SALEM, MA-

I have found that it’s difficult for people to be rude to you when you’re dressed as a 5’4” hot dog.

Desperate for cash like so many others in this crap economy, I took a seasonal job this fall working as a cashier at iParty, a party supply store that sells costumes by the truckload during Halloween season. One afternoon in early October, I walked into the store looking for a costume and left with a job. The assistant manager looked over my application, saw my degrees and my years of teaching and writing experience, and said, “Yeah, you’re way overqualified. You’ll start on Thursday.”

Yes, I was overqualified. And yes, I hoped that the manager wouldn’t actually call my references, thus informing these respected individuals that I was putting my master’s degree to use as an iParty cashier.

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

Turns out that the resolution I’ve made for the New Year is the #1 most common resolution made among Americans, the coveted 18-34 demographic, and comedy writers named Rob. That’s right; this year I resolve to never again let a man pin me to a table and violently twist my head around in circles so I end up looking like the girl from “The Exorcist.”

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BALTIMORE, MD-

Air travel stories are like dreams—they’re only interesting if you’re in them.  This information should be one of those things people tell you at some turning point in life: your Bar Mitzvah, your coming out ball, your wedding day.

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LOS ANGELES-

Like so many people, I watched a lotta movies over the holidays. At home. In the theater. On television. Traditionally, this is a good time at the box office. The season of award-caliber cinema.

My wife and I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. Technically speaking, an impressive achievement. David Fincher is an excellent director. Cate Blanchett is a world class actress with incredible bone structure. And Brad Pitt, playing—of all things—an elderly boy, gives his best performance since Fight Club.

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THE LERKIM -

   with apologies to Mr. Geisel, his Lorax, and Dr. Bookstaber

It all started way back…
such a long, long time back…

Way back in the days when money was green
and interest was simple
and energy clean.
It began on a farm that belonged to my dad.
What a wonderful farm my family had!
A wonderful farm
with chickens and mares
where the Truffula trees bore Truffula pears.
In winter the bulls would battle the bears.

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BROOKLYN, NY-

On New Year’s Eve, a friend asked if we were doing resolutions.  “Well,” I answered, “I think mine is the same as it always is — to not be so easily annoyed with people.”  She responded that hers was to be nicer to people.  “But I guess that’s kind of the same as yours, isn’t it?”

“Oh, no no no,” I answered.  I’ve read all those articles about how you should make your resolutions things that are actually possible, so as not to set yourself up for failure.  Therefore, as I told her, “I don’t actually have to be any nicer to people.  I’m just going to try not to get so irritated by them.”  If I’m really successful at keeping my resolution this year, no one will ever even notice. 

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LAS VEGAS - NV

Well, folks, the NFL regular season is over and the playoff picture is here. It’s alive. First, let me say that it was one hell of a season. It was a party, a 17-week riot. Tons of drama and man blood.

Heads were ripped off shoulders. Rude things were said. The Hail Mary was chanted. Bones were snapped. Some teams that the experts picked to win didn’t win. Some teams that were written off as dead at the beginning of the season are not so dead. 

Gridiron Resurrection. Read more »

LOS ANGELES-

Okay. So here you have it. An obligatory “Best of” list for 2008, with a bit of a personal angle. Cooked it up quickly in a reflective sort of mood. Please feel free to add your own official lists on the comment board below. And…

A Happy New Year to one and all.

-BL

BEST EPIPHANY I HAD WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT: You can’t focus on silence and think at the same time.

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BROOKLYN, NY –

Dating’s a bitch.

And this is the time of year when it’s easier to plop in front of the TV with a bottle of Veuve and watch a House marathon rather than suffer through, as the only single person* in the room, the forced jollity of holiday events.  You start to miss the days when your mother pestered you about your dating life.  Anymore, she just slaps on her Colorform smile, tells hyper-enthusiastic tales of others – who got married even older than you – and passes the twice-baked potatoes with a heavy sigh; resigned to the fact that the children born to your siblings are going to be the only grands she’s going to get.

(*For the record, no, my widowed grandmother does NOT count, thank you very much and besides, even she has a boyfriend, so suck it!)

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PHILADELPHIA, PA-

I hang out with two groups of friends. One group I’ll call Sports Guys. The other, Music Guys. Which one are you?

Here’s how it breaks now: Sports Guys like some music, but Music Guys rarely like sports. Music Guys enjoy going to concerts and shows. Sports Guys grow annoyed by the term “shows.” Sports Guys go to one “show” a year, and that’s when their wives or girlfriends demand that they’re treated to the obligatory Bon Jovi concert that occurs in late July. A Music Guy would kill himself at a Bon Jovi concert.

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SEATTLE, WA-

“These are tough economic times.”

We hear that phrase so often these days that we’re likely to dismiss it as altogether benign and inconsequential. Most in this country don’t read, watch or listen to the news anymore, but for those of us that do that phrase is so overused that we’ve begun to turn the page or change the channel anytime we hear it.

I mean, we don’t need to hear about this Recession, Economic Downturn, Market Correction – whatever it’s called – so often that it makes our ears ring and eyes bleed. Most of us need only look into our own bank accounts to know that there’s a fundamental problem with our economic system. But, the talking heads keep babbling on, scaring us all into a frenzy of (dare I say) responsible financial behavior.

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BERLIN, GERMANY-

Everyone in Germany talks constantly of illness.  It is a country of hypochondriacs and a country of contradictions.  The same person afraid of a drafty house will sit outside in winter, wrapped in a blanket and drink beer.  Fresh air is good for you, you see.   The person who rides his bike for exercise will do so while smoking a cigarette.  Explain that one.  And while a healthy lifestyle includes ample exercise, vegetables and bio-grown food, that exercise is tampered with plenty of smoking and drinking and veggies that are more often than not deep-fried and/or covered in cheese.  The aversion to actual medicine seems to come from a real distrust of the unnatural.  Herbs rule the day and are always the first line of attack.  No wonder everyone’s sick all the time! Read more »

HOUSTON, TX -

There’s no such thing as ghosts. I don’t remember where that quote is from, but it sums me up. I just don’t believe in the physical presence of any of the supernatural. I’m a hard one to convince. Don’t tell me a story, show me proof. Ghosts, demons, evil spirits… I am simply unafraid.

So when my brother, an incredibly logical, brilliant, well-grounded individual, told me that he was hearing demons… I was a little intrigued. Normal people don’t hear demons. Even crazy people don’t hear demons, they just think they do. He told me, however, that every time he crossed over a certain part of the road leaving his house he heard a deep, guttural voice telling whispering things to him. “I’ll figure it out“, he said. Read more »

BLOWING ROCK, NC-

As a staff member at Memorious, an online journal of new verse and fiction, I’m super excited to be announcing the release of the Fall 2008 issue. This fifth anniversary issue of Memorious features poetry and prose from Kevin Prufer, G. C. Waldrep, Kelle Groom, Todd Hearon, and B.J. Hollars, as well as a conversation between Alexander Chee and Sigrid Nunez, an interview with Larissa Szporluck, and some pretty awesome emerging writers.

WEIRTON, WV-

In late November, the first of my final English 101 papers rolled in. I asked for a persuasive paper, explaining that writing is always an act of persuasion. The students’ audience: a Congressman. Their format: a letter. We’d had a regular essay-format persuasion assignment a month before. This time, I required students to turn in a series of drafts before submitting their final copy.

The first one, from a student who had pretty badly flubbed her literary analysis paper just before, arrived in my email box extra early. Running three pages, it was longer than the ‘effective paragraph’ I’d assigned. The chosen topic? She was asking for the mandatory sterilization of unfit parents.

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