Pennies A Day

By Alan Brouilette

Food

The Northwest chapters of the Slow Food organization want you to help save the heirloom turkey. Similar to the ubiquitous heirloom tomatoes, there are old-fashioned varieties of the turkey still raised in the United States. If you are interested in an American Bronze turkey for Thanksgiving this year, you have to place your order with Slow Food by April 1.”

This put anybody besides me in mind of the old Sally Struthers TV spots urging you to adopt a Third-World child?  The ones that promised “a photo and a letter once a month,” detailing progress and thanking you for your support?

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
May 7, 2011
Dear Family,

Thank you for adopting me! I have received extra corn already, and they tell me that I’ll get to meet you when I’m big enough. I’m very excited. It’s a very proud day for me, to be sponsored by a real family. I hope you’re savoring thoughts of our first meeting as much as I am!

Gratefully,
Basty

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
June 18, 2011
Dear Family,

Soon I’ll be starting my exercise program, so that should help me grow up big faster. Lot of chest flies for the pecs, and I have to run some of this fat off my thighs. I’m up to 3.57 pounds! Look out Big Bird, here I come, ha-ha!

(My trainer tells me if I don’t work hard enough, he’ll put me in the stocks! I know he’s joking, but I’m still motivated.)

Growing,
Basty

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
July 24, 2005
Dear Family:

Happy summer! The weather here is beautiful; sunny every day, lots of bugs to eat — I know, I know, TMI! — and the gentle perfume of the neighbor’s barbecue on the breeze — hardwood charcoal and something buttery and succulent that I can’t quite put my finger on.   I swear, if I God forbid died right now, heaven’d smell like hickory smoke. (But don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere for a long time, thanks to your generosity!)

Love,
Basty

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
August 14, 2011
Dear Family:

I’m at camp!

Well, sorta. They let us spend all out time outside these days, ’cause it’s sooooooo nice out. All the fresh air and exercise, I’m really growing up fast — 9.84 pounds as of this morning! My wattle’s starting to fill out, too! (One of the counselors told me that nothing is as important to my future as strong bones and big muscles, and the rest is just gravy, but still, I’m excited.)

Love,
Basty

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
September 20, 2011
Dear Family,

I got sunburned at camp, so I have to stay inside for a while. Don’t worry, It’s not serious. My skin got a little crispy, is all. It’ll turn tan in a day or two. My family’s always had good skin — my Uncle Tom used to say everybody thought it was our best feature!

Next time, I’ll remember to put some of that oil on so I don’t burn!

Love,
Basty
(10.98 pounds!)

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
October 5, 2011
Dear Family,

Another major step for Basty! I have a girlfriend! She’s beautiful and exotic — her family’s name is Tetrazzito or something like that — and when I asked her to the end-of-summer dance she said yes! We had a great time at the Budder Ball, and hung out in the loft with a bunch of friends for hours afterwards.

High Point: My buddy Bryne slipped at one point, and fell out of the loft, and landed upside-down at the bottom of the ladder, half-buried in the straw. Funniest thing I ever saw.

Love,
Basty
(12.62 pounds!)

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Lou & Marie’s Turkey Farm
November 19, 2011
Dear Family,

I GOT THE NEWS TODAY! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I GET TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE! I’m very excited to finally meet you and to be a part of your (our!) holiday!

I’m sorry for my sloppy handwriting on this, but I’m just so excited I had to knock out a quick note before I go to my first appointment with the chiropractor. (Nothing serious, my regular doctor is just sending me for a neck adjustment. He said it would be quick and painless, and that’s all I needed to hear.)

I’ve always wanted to have a big old-fashioned family Thanksgiving! I’ll bring the wine, but I need to match it with the food.

What are we going to have?

Love,
Basty

PS- See you soon!

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ALAN BROUILETTE is a freelance writer of magazine articles, comedy, and scripts. His career peak thus far is his inclusion in the anthology "Best Food Writing 2011." He prefers to writing about food and sports to writing news - which he used to do - and prefers Gonzo journalism to the responsible kind. You can find him, and some of his writing, at brouilette.com.

4 responses to “Pennies A Day”

  1. dwoz says:

    whatever you do, don’t invite Cranberry to the holiday event….he’s back in the sauce these days.

  2. I fully expect one day to be sent DVDs of the happy lamb I’m having for lunch romping with its mom. However this is why this year I’m planning on having my ex-brother-in-law (and good friend) bring the Thanksgiving meat. Deer he will (hopefully) harvest just in time. Way too many does. No insane prices, quality time spent in the woods.

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