Please explain what just happened.
I was trying to grope you.
What is your earliest memory?
Fighting in the womb with my goddamn twin brother. He was trying to strangle me with our umbilical cord. I was supposed to be first.
If you weren’t a photographer, what other profession would you choose?
A quantum physicist… but I hate math. I guess that would be a theoretical quantum physicist?
Please describe the current contents of your refrigerator.
Three celery stalks, prune juice, and a half-eaten human foot.
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
Yes. All the time. I would be much more successful.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
Buy Apple, sell. Buy Microsoft, sell. Then buy Apple again. Oh, and don’t ever grow a mustache and drive a panel van, that’s not hipster, it’s just creepy. Do you want some candy?
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Disney’s Childhood Classics. Nothing like singing along to “I’m a Little Teapot.” It always makes me feel so much better.
What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
The New Scientist, Gizmodo and Science Daily. Should I have lied on that one, too?
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
Art inspires me, and there is art everywhere, be it a plumber or a sex addict. People are inspiring. I used to have all this crazy gaudy religious art and even though it was loud and garish you could tell that the people who created it were really into it.
Name a book that changed your life.
A Guide to Econometrics.No explanation needed. If you’ve read it, you understand.
The worst book I’ve ever read was Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Just thinking of it makes me want to join the tea party.
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
The first time I heard “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I was with my good friends Wayne and Garth, we were driving the Pacer around one night in Indiana. It was such a pure moment… All of us were singing the separate harmonies. I wish someone had filmed it.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
Only one degree. We had anonymous sex in the bathroom of the Minneapolis airport. International arrivals. At least, I think it was him. He told me to call him Mr. Bacon, and he wouldn’t let me look at him.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Everything. I’m a recovering Catholic, and I haven’t recovered very well.
What would you most like to have invented?
The eyelash curler. I don’t know why. It’s an amazing thing, how they figured that out. It just fascinates me.
What is the worst piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?
Follow your dreams.
(I’m totally lying.)
Brianna in the studio next door says the worst advice I’ve ever given to her was to tell her to add Kokapelli to all her artwork.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
Open a tiki bar.We don’t have any tiki bars here. Denver needs a tiki bar.
What do you consider the harshest kind of betrayal?
Farting in the car on a long road trip in the middle of winter… uphill both ways in the snow.
Of all the game shows that have graced our TV screens throughout history, which one would you want to be a contestant on and why?
Lets Make a Deal, so that I could dress up like a playing card. The Jack of Diamonds, to be exact.
What do you want to know?
I want to remember what I invented on the roof while drinking copious amounts of alcohol last night with Brianna. It was genius. It was a billion dollar idea. There was something about third nipples and time travel.
What would you like your last words to be?
Please explain what will happen.
Double Rainbow. All the way. And maybe I’ll get a haircut.