At the beginning of Return of the Jedi, it’s like Luke Skywalker’s gone mad. He’s swinging that lightsaber around left and right, slicing here, dicing there–he’s killing up a storm with that thing!

Jabba’s friends and employees have no chance because–finally–Luke is a man!

He started out with a whiny voice, a need to get power converters at Tosche station, and absolutely no lightsaber. My how things change during the course of a trilogy.

A little practice with the lightsaber changes Luke into a Jedi Knight! And boy, look at him use that thing. He’s an absolute master with it. Truly, it’s a pleasure to behold.

Then he hangs out with Yoda, who tells him pretty plainly that to be a real man, he has to face Vader. But…Vader has a lightsaber, too! This sets up the climactic confrontation to come. A battle of sabers. It couldn’t end any better.

After chatting with Yoda, Luke camps out with his friends and some teddy bears, but doesn’t really enjoy himself too much because there aren’t as many occasions to whip out his tool. So he takes off to confront Vader and before you know it, the two are swinging their lightsabers at each other in a holy galactic confrontation of masculinity!

And then, as Luke finally succeeds in smashing his lightsaber down on Vader repeatedly, he realizes that the victory is not making him feel like a man. In fact, it’s making him feel like a terrible machine.

This leads Luke toward his dramatic moment of truth. He IS a man, he decides, but it has nothing to do with having a lightsaber. He tosses his instrument away. He doesn’t need it anymore. True masculinity doesn’t come from a device, no matter how long or exciting.

He turns to face the Emperor–without any artifice. He is a real man, now!

And as the Emperor squirts out streams of energy from his bare fingers, Luke’s new realization is confirmed. Even the Emperor could care less about having a long one.

As Luke Skywalker writhes in agony, he is comforted by the fact that now he knows the true source of masculinity. It comes from within.

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AARON DIETZ is the author of Super, a novel from Emergency Press about commitment, crisis, paperwork, and heartbreak. Dietz's super powers include a high metabolism and the ability to put things back where he got them. He's also pretty good at math. As an instructional designer, Dietz has written online high school courses on computer programming, green design, and 3-D video game creation. It’s natural for him to write quizzes. He’s worked a decade in libraries. He’s also been paid to count traffic and once failed a personality test. Dietz writes for TheNervousBreakdown.com, blogs at aarondietz.us, and is an advisory editor of KNOCK Magazine.

63 responses to “Return of the Jedi is All about Penis”

  1. Brad Listi says:

    Hilarious. And so painfully true.

    Guns. Missiles. Light sabers. Swords.

    Billie clubs. Tasers even.

    Nunchucks.

    All phallic.

    The fuckin’ Tosche station.

    My god, Luke really was a whiny little bitch in that first one.

    • Aaron Dietz says:

      SO whiny. But hey–opportunities are probably not very big in Tatooine. I mean, he was only even a moisture farmer because of relation. Wow, what a place. I think an internship at Watto’s would be like gold, there.

  2. Reuben Helms says:

    So, the sarlacc’s pit.

    What was that all about?

  3. Judy Prince says:

    Aaron, I’d bite (so to speak), except for this: “He tosses his instrument away.”

    Loved this! Now I know why sabres are so popular with women as well as men.

    • Aaron Dietz says:

      It’s a nice lesson, really. To a TRUE Jedi, size doesn’t matter.

      • Judy Prince says:

        “To a TRUE Jedi, size doesn’t matter.” Excellent point, Aaron…..but it might be hard (oops) to remember when the TRUE and not so big-light-sabred Jedi is up against (oops, once more) a larger-sabred fake Jedi.

        Does size matter to a Royal Afghan?

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          You will never forget the Royal Afghan, will you?

          But case in point: Obi-Wan, in Episode III, dropped his lightsaber in pursuit of General Grievous–never even thought about going back for it.

          Perhaps Luke had the Emperor right where he wanted him?

          But let’s not make it sound as if true Jedi should always win–it’s the struggle that’s worth it all by itself. Victory isn’t necessarily the objective.

        • Judy Prince says:

          I’ll never forget the Royal Afghan and the angel spiders, Aaron.

  4. Zara Potts says:

    I hated those bloody stupid teddy bears.

    This was a pleasure to behold, Aaron.

    Heh.

    • Aaron Dietz says:

      You know, I thought they were cute like everybody else (in my defense, I was 9 when I first saw the movie), but when I heard George Lucas had intended the planet to be a Wookie planet, I was a little sad. It would have been a lot of fun to put Han and Leia with a whole planet of Wookies.

  5. Simon Smithson says:

    Hmmm.

    So when Darth Vader’s flag ship plunged tip-first into the Death Star, it was conceiving galactic freedom?

    • Aaron Dietz says:

      Now THAT was something I hadn’t thought of. And I’ve thought a lot about Star Wars. Well done, Simon!

      Of course, since both ships were the Empire’s, it must have been some sort of self impregnation, but…that doesn’t preclude galactic freedom, perhaps.

      • Matt says:

        I still can figure out how a civilization that’s technologically still in the stone age has managed to figure how to build seige enginees (for use against what, exactly?) and harnessed the principles of flight.

        • Matt says:

          er, “can’t”

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          Are you talking about the Ewoks? I’m sure the Lucas apologists have it all figured out.

          (Though in their defense, about flight, teddy bears are pretty light.)

        • Matt says:

          Yes, I am talking about the damned Ewoks. Bones, stones, and sticks constitute the pinnacle of their technology. So why do they have middle-ages level engineering skills? Why would they need siege engines to go to war against another Ewok tribe, when they all live in non-fortified tree huts?

          Also, from a biological perspective, the Ewok body type is completely wrong for an arboreal lifestyle.

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          Those are excellent points. Maybe they had done a little fighting with the Empire before? Perhaps the Ewoks were merely on a reservation chosen for them by the Empire, and their real home is some other planet, where they have an excellent engineering university? This is sounding REALLY plausible…(not)….

  6. Greg Olear says:

    “Your Schwartz is almost as big as mine!”

    Don’t forget that the Death Star is like an ovum, and all those fighter jets vying for the right to be the one to blow it up are sperm.

    And R2D2 is the world’s biggest vibrating dildo.

    Nice work, Aaron.

  7. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    I’m convinced Luke metaphorically lost his virginity on that first Death Star run. That scene in which he fires the proton torpedo into the porthole leading to the reactor in SW IV is accompanied by an orgasmic grunt so sexual I always consider forwarding past it when the kids are watching.

    Fun read! I lurrrrv all things Star Wars. In fact, this is what I’ve subjected my children to in the name of Star Wars: http://twitpic.com/ste38

  8. Ben Loory says:

    then darth vader turns out to be a weeble-wobble. with asthma.

    that always bothered me.

  9. Matt says:

    Funny as hell.

    I always found it amusing that Jedi neatly sidestepped the incestuous sister-lust present in the first two films.

    • it makes the whole Leia-is-Luke’s-sister twist a CLEAR after thought.

      Probably to try and recreate the paternity revelations in Empire. You’d have thought that if Vader was going to reveal to Luke that he was his father then he’d add that the mouthy lass he was involved with was his sister…

      • Aaron Dietz says:

        But of course, the prequels attempted to explain that away–Vader / Anakin had no idea there were twins. He was too busy in some kind of war or other. Oh, also, he turned into a jerk….

        • it took three men to play Vader, so why just the one shitty actor in the prequels?!

          I don’t think it can be explained away. If he can feel Luke’s presence then he must have had some incling that he had a daughter. I mean they’re twins for crying out loud!

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          And there he was in Episode IV, interrogating his own daughter without feeling a thing.

          But the biggest problem I had was…Darth Vader built a protocol droid?!

  10. Can I join this conversation by bringing up a rare sexual allusion I spotted in Ordinary People?

    Also, you could tell just by the way General Grievous stood he was hung. It was like Steve Winwood posing for an album cover.

    • Aaron Dietz says:

      Please DO talk about any and all sexual allusions you wish to. Believe it or not, Star Wars is not the only thing I know about.

      TOTALLY good point about Grievous! Wow, it’s like he had some trouble walking with that thing. I hadn’t thought of that. And to think I thought he was overcompensating by using FOUR lightsabers….

  11. Joe Daly says:

    HIlarious! Really made me think about Luke slashing into his Ton Ton and crawling deep inside.

  12. Every film and book ever created is really about one of two things, or both:

    1) The Penis
    2) Homosexuality

    At least that is what I learned as an English major at the University of Virginia.

    Unless it’s the film The Door in the Floor. That is about The Vagina.

    • Wait! There’s also the fear of your father living forever as some kind of zombie roadblock to sexual congress with your mother. Don’t forget that one.

      • Aaron Dietz says:

        Oh, yeah–Zombedipus! I read that one.

        • The Oedipus Complex, how could I forget? I stand corrected.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Then what is Tommy Wiseau’s The Room about?

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Oh hi Simon…

          I love The Room.

          ‘I’ll be out in a minute……… BITCH.’

          ‘Who are you calling a bitch?!”

          ‘You AND your stupid muth-errrrrr…’

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          Now I’m totally lost. The Room? Do I need to watch this movie now?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Oh yes. It is so spectacularly awful you just have to see it to believe it…

          Tommy Wiseau made the film as a demonstration of his acting and directing abilities.

          He raised the money for making the film by selling leather jackets imported from Korea. He made $7m from this venture.

          If I had $7m I’d be set for life.

          But Tommy had a dream. He had a story he wanted to share with the world. A horrible, poorly made, cliched story.

          He spent a lot of the $7m on cameras. He bought both types: digital and celuuloid. Even in Hollywood they only ever RENT the cameras, and they choose one or the other.

          The first crew got fired because they weren’t creating the cinematic magic Wiseau had in mind.

          This is also why the second crew got fired.

          I’m not sure if Tommy Wiseau is a maniac or a genius. Is The Room a post-modern piece of avant-garde satire? Or is it just a terrible film made by a lunatic with a mysterious past?

          He claims to be American, despite sounding like Arnold Schwarzennegger doing an impression of Christopher Walken whilst suffering a stroke….

        • Aaron Dietz says:

          Sold. It’s in the Netflix queue. Wow.

  13. Lauren Hoffman says:

    Aaron, I feel like this solidifies a lot of what you’ve suggested here. Particularly if you watch with the sound off.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ey3g6BmuTI&feature=player_embedded

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