1) Show up to your first rehearsal with the cheapest, ugliest, most elaborately decorated guitar you can find. When asked about it say, “Ten bucks at a pawn shop!”

2) Stop rehearsal every time your cell phone vibrates.

3) At the announcement of a new gig, no matter the city or venue, make an exasperated noise, kick the ground and say, “Not that fucking place again.”

4) During a concert, yell “I got it” when the band slides into its first solo break. Do the same for every subsequent song.

5) Fart on the bus.

6) During the pre-production of a new record, suggest that the band work on one of your songs. When it’s pushed aside say, “As long as we do it next time.”

7) At the photo shoot, keep positioning yourself in front of the rest of the band. Stare longingly into the camera lens. Reach towards the camera lens. Kiss the camera lens.

8) While cutting tracks, veer off tempo, faster then slower, rushing then dragging the beat. When confronted say, “It was just something I felt.”

9) At the arrival of any band news, good or bad, say, “I could’ve seen that coming.”

10) Try to talk your fellow sidemen into throwing Jeff Tweedy out of the band.

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ART EDWARDS's third novel, Badge (2014), was named a finalist in the Pacific Northwest Writers Association's Literary Contest for 2011. His second novel, Ghost Notes, released on his own imprint Defunct Press in 2008, won the 2009 PODBRAM Award for best work of contemporary fiction. His first novel, Stuck Outside of Phoenix, has been made into a feature film. His writing has or will appear in The Writer, Writers' Journal and Pear Noir!, and online at Salon, The Los Angeles Review, Word Riot, The Collagist, PANK, JMWW, Bartleby Snopes, The Rumpus and The Weeklings. In the 1990s he was co-founder, co-songwriter and bass player with the Refreshments.

21 responses to “Ten Ways to Get Thrown Out of Wilco”

  1. Jim says:

    Nice, Art. Welcome to the ward.

    (11. Officially change your name to Uncle Tupelo.)

    • Art Edwards says:

      That’s another good way to get thrown out.

      “Hey, Jeff. Let’s play something off No Depression tonight.”

  2. I love Wilco! My kid, Landen, plays a lot of Wilco and J. Tweedy covers…

  3. Jim says:

    Or, “Let’s do an all-Refreshments set! ‘Yahoos and Triangles’ — 1…2…3…4!”

  4. Art Edwards says:

    Jim, that would definitely get you fired.

    Thanks for the welcome.

    Art

  5. Zara Potts says:

    Welcome to TNB, Art.
    I especially like the idea of hijacking the photo shoot. I think this is advice to use in everyday life. Whenever a photo is being taken – make sure you position yourself front and centre and ALWAYS gaze longingly.
    Nice!

  6. Art Edwards says:

    Thanks, Zara!

    A brief pause as we honor the passing of Ronnie Jame Dio, someone who could gaze, if not longingly, menacingly with the best of ’em.

    Art

    • Zara Potts says:

      Funny you should say that – I’m just looking at a particularly menacing photo of him right now!

  7. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    Good list. Particularly like #7. Is there any other way to behave at a photo shoot? And welcome!

  8. Art Edwards says:

    #7 wins!

    And thanks!

  9. Joe Daly says:

    Good stuff, Art.

    Don’t forget the one about arguing with Jeff Tweedy about small production issues and demanding that he acknowledge the merits of your opinion.

    Welcome aboard!

  10. Art Edwards says:

    Yeah, we’ve learned that lesson, haven’t we.

    And whatever you do, don’t make him vomit.

    Thanks, Joe!

  11. I met Nels Cline a couple years ago covering his jazz trio. One cool cat. Two things that won’t get you kicked out of Wilco are:

    1) Talking about staph infections
    2) Talking about Thurston Moore

    Welcome aboard Art.

  12. Art Edwards says:

    Ha! Wow, who knew?

    Thanks, Jeffrey!

  13. Jordan Ancel says:

    Welcome, Art.

    What about accusing Jeff Tweedy of yet another affair?

  14. Simon Smithson says:

    “4) During a concert, yell “I got it” when the band slides into its first solo break. Do the same for every subsequent song.”

    I want so much to do this.

    Welcome to TNB!

  15. Art Edwards says:

    Thanks!

  16. lisa rae cunningham says:

    #3 is my fave 🙂

  17. […] year ago today, I posted my first TNB article. That means it’s time to let my Refreshments light shine at TNB. It’s not like it was a big secret, […]

  18. […] work out there. So far, DeLore’s work, in my opinion, surpasses most of, say, a band like Wilco’s […]

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