As I left my home this morning on the way to work, how could I possibly have anticipated our encounter?  I assumed it would simply be another Monday, another dull start to a week of mindless drone work and perhaps – just perhaps – some clever and creative breakthrough with my writing.  But you had left your home too, hadn’t you.  On your way to work, perhaps, or possibly on some random errand.  Did you know, too, that our paths would cross?  That you would foolishly risk your very existence just to illustrate to me that I am one of the most stunningly attractive men in the universe?

Certainly that’s the only explanation I can think of for why you nearly sideswiped me as you merged onto the highway this morning. I mean, there was no one – NO. ONE. – behind me for, near as I could tell, almost a full mile. Any normal, sane, courteous non-moron would think, “Hm. I shall simply let off the gas just a smidge and fall in behind this fellow rather than attempt to speed up to pace him before I try to cut him off.”  So the only thing I can think of is that I am far more attractive than I give myself credit for and, upon stealing a glance at my profile, you felt compelled to do anything – even risk mutilation and fiery death – to get a closer look. It’s the only thing that makes a lick of sense.

You were driving a Prius, for fuck’s sake, whereas I was driving a truck. A much larger vehicle with bark-&-sap-encrusted scrapes running down the side and dents in the body. A vehicle that says, “Not only don’t I give a flying fuck about my ‘carbon footprint’, I also have little regard for hitting large, nearly immovable things with my vehicle – and you are neither large nor immovable.” Still… like a moth to a flame you drifted inward.

You were not distracted – no cell phone to your ear, no beverage at your lips, no yelling at your dashboard radio. I could even see your eyes click to your mirrors and register my presence before you locked your gaze forward and punched it, goading all four of the hamsters under your hood. “Onward, Fluffy, Brain, Moloko and Mister Whiskers! Onward! I must not lose sight of this Adonis!” I just know your very heart must have cried out these words.

Or perhaps it was something deeper.  Perhaps it was nothing so shallow as a base physical attraction.  Perhaps my very soul shone like a beacon for you.  You knew, as you careened brainlessly toward me that I was different.  That I could transition easily from gutting an elk to holding a tea party with my daughter, from killer to nurturer.  A creative savage, a warrior monk, flitting from ascetic to epicurean on a whim, from discussing technology to theology, listening with equal pleasure to Corelli’s sonatas or Korn’s “Freak on a Leash”, comfortable in all worlds.  “Surely,” you thought, “this is Heinlein’s ‘human’ idealized – changing diapers, planning invasions, butchering animals, et al!”

How could you resist being pulled into my orbit?  Hurling yourself at me, quite literally.

Sadly, though, I could not allow it. I am a married man, with a family that depends upon my presence, fidelity and income. I will not lead you on and can return neither your infatuation nor your passion. I tried to slow down and wave you in but, stunned by my rugged, masculine pulchritude and the blazing inferno that is my soul – the morning sun gleaming more brightly from my bare scalp than from the cup of coffee I sipped as this drama unfolded, the pendulous parenthood-and-late-night-writing-inspired bags beneath my eyes flapping in the wind – you were still too blinded by your desire to notice the obvious-to-anyone-who-hasn’t-performed-a-self-lobotomy gesture and so, hamsters frothing, could do nothing more than pace me as the onramp ran out. And so I goosed the gas so slightly and left you in my wake.

It could never be, Prius driver. My heart belongs to another. I’m no good for you. We are from different worlds.

Plus, you know, you drive like a fucking asshole.

TAGS: , , ,

ANDREW NONADETTI is a writer of fiction and, until recently, a deceptively charming but manipulative and abusive sonofabitch. To his surprise, though, there seems to be a genuinely good man hiding in there as well. And he's a quick study.... Feel free to email him at [email protected] to discuss his novel, life in general, terminal ballistics.... Pretty much anything, really. He's kind of gregarious and a big geek about a range of topics.

120 responses to “I Am the Most Attractive Man in Existence”

  1. Becky says:

    You know.

    I try not to let my truck over-inflate my ego. I’m not invincible.

    But, frankly, at the end of the day, I can’t help but wonder what people in Priuses, Mini-coopers, Ford Festivas, smart cars, and the like are thinking when they try to drive like an asshole at me.

    They drive those little popcorn machines like they’re piloting an ’85 suburban. It’s comical. And dangerous. But not for me, of course.

    In no imaginable scenario is this a battle you will win, Napoleon-mobile. If something goes awry, you will lose. And badly. Not even your smug sense of entitlement can protect you from the laws of physics.

    What good is it to be righteous if you’re dead?

  2. Joe Daly says:

    Thank freaking Jeebus that you gunned it, making sure that they ended up behind you. While it would seem that their dazed adoration might not be held against them as a character defect, nonetheless, you did them a tremendous service by underscoring for them the need to yield to things that are bigger and faster.

    I have to say, my commute is only a mile long and some days, I just don’t have enough middle fingers to get there.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      You know, I am generally the undisputed King of the Polite Wave-in, even though I have long since given up on getting the simple courtesy of a returning “thank you wave”. It’s just the right thing to do. But waving this chooch in – even flashing my brights to get his/her attention so they would notice I was being excessively polite – had no effect and the only way to let them in, apparently, would have been to drop to a crawl (I was blocked in from just switching lanes).

      I never really understood “the winning thing” I see on the road daily but it was apparent that, for some reason, getting ahead of me was some sort of imperative. But, with ramp running out and the road effectively empty behind me…. Really? Why? So it must have been me….

      • Becky says:

        I didn’t mean battle in the sense that I regularly wage them, just that, if you’re going to drive around in something that tiny, you should really be more careful.

        Reckless, competitive, and/or asshole driving is always ill-advised, but it’s especially ill-advised when you’re rolling in a fucking soda can. By “win,” I mean that, if said asshole/reckless driving results in an accident, it’s not tough to imagine which vehicle, between a Prius and an F-150, will come out on the losing end.

        I don’t try to intimidate 18-wheelers with my F-150, for example. I just don’t understand the hubris.

  3. Matt says:

    I quit driving a couple of years ago, tired of the money I was spending on gas and of dealing with assholes like this. Turns out drivers are even bigger assholes to cyclists than they are to other drivers. As Joe says, sometimes those two middle fingers just aren’t enough.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      It’s interesting to see behavioral changes once people are mechanized – I should see if I can get a grant just to study it. Perfectly docile, friendly folks become Road Warriors once they get behind the wheel. Polite people who hold doors and step aside for the elderly and pregnant get on bicycles and monopolize mountain roads by riding in packs, three abreast. And I love the flip-offs. These are people who would never dream of giving the finger to the face of someone who stepped in front of them in, say, a supermarket line yet will actually invent new rude gestures to go along with their invectives if you do more than pause at a stop sign.

      We’re a funny bunch of monkeys, aren’t we?

      • Matt says:

        Even at the worst of times I never, even once, gave the finger to another driver. But that dude in the SUV who nearly grinds me into a paste up against a row of parked cars because he utterly and absolutely MUST control the entire lane? He’s getting a whole flock of birds.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ha. I love that imagery.

          “Why are you wiggling your fingers at that guy?”

          “I’m not! It’s a quintuple bird-flip! Fuck you five times, buddy!”

        • Matt says:

          I’ll just say that I’ve gotten very good at pedaling hands-free, and leave it at that.

  4. Greg Olear says:

    My dream is that they will invent something that allows us to better communicate with other drivers…a flashing sign that registers in their car, saying, “Are you fucking high? I mean, really, what were you thinking?”

    And you know that had she succeeded, she would have done 60 in a 65, forcing you to pass her immediately.

    • Matt says:

      I remember seeing a stand-up comedian, sometime in the pre-cell phone days of the early 90s, do a bit about how every car should come with a car phone factory-installed, with the license plate number serving as the phone number. That way you could call any other driver on the road and let them know just how shitty they’re driving.

      • Judy Prince says:

        Matt, you outdo yourself on this subject—-“a whole flock of birds” indeed! HA!!

        I, too, have thought we should ID drivers, but with their names and phone numbers atop their cars like taxi’s lighted signs.

        In England they’ve got CCTV cameras posted in enough places that folks do tend to slow down, but they get to know the places and pace their madness between cameras.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      “And you know that had she succeeded, she would have done 60 in a 65, forcing you to pass her immediately.”

      Literally without a doubt, given that s/he immediately dropped way the hell back as soon as I pulled ahead.

      As for your dream, I can’t imagine it would do a bit of good. I often opine, “Wouldn’t it be grand if they equipped cars with – I don’t know – some sort of blinking ‘signal’ that would ‘indicate’ the vehicle was about to ‘turn’ or ‘change lanes’…?”

  5. Don Mitchell says:

    The Prius-mounted ditz was most likely:

    1. not paying attention to what was in her L mirror (which was probably misadjusted anyway)
    2. finally realized you were there
    3. found it easier to stand on it, trying get in front of you than to
    4. compute how hard to brake, how much to slow, and when to re-accelerate and tuck in behind you.

    See? Three on-the-fly computations/decisions as opposed to one. Easy choice.

    Don’t mistake this for offering a defense on her behalf! I’m just betting that’s how it went down, from her point of view. A lot of people seem to believe that standing on it is a good preventive medicine for what’s about to go down.

    I had an idiot in an 18 wheeler take out my trailer doing something like that — he ducked onto an onramp, realized it was the wrong one, goosed his rig, bulled out behind my van . . . but not behind my trailer. Well, I guess it’s not exactly the same, but had he dropped back to see what was what out there in the right lane, before making his move, I’d have gotten home on time and with an intact trailer.

    WWUTD?

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      LOL! Well-played, Don. Truth be told, though, he cruised in a nearly bulletproof (weren’t they all back then?) Buick Wildcat and would likely have yelled Italian profanities at them through the closed passenger-side window. He was a good and compassionate man but didn’t suffer fools gladly.

      You bring up a good point. I often fall into the bad habit of assuming the world thinks like I do, which explains why I am so often disappointed. “Stand on it” instead of “think it through” seems to be the default reaction these days and not just for merging. Granted, there are times when that is the exact correct choice – I appreciate decisiveness – but there seems to be this pervasive sense of… I don’t know… hubris was used above and it seems to fit well. Or perhaps I’m just slowing down with age. (;

  6. Dana says:

    Hmmm. Until you explained that you were blocked in I was in total agreement with the Prius. Just move the fuck over already! At least once a week I’ll be attempting to merge into traffic and some oblivious asshole, often times on the phone, looking at his gps and dangling a cigarette out the window will chug along at just exactly 60 miles an hour (presumably also using his cruise control so as to render himself only necessary in case of braking and sometimes steering) causing me and the stream of mergers behind me to slam on the brakes, drive on the narrow shoulder or possibly rear-ended. Seriously, how hard is it to hit your blinker and gently move your left a hand a bit?

    Honestly – I use THE most horrendous language in the car anymore. And it’s really not specific drivers, it’s driver tendencies. Every single one of us seems to think we’re the only important people on the road. Every iPod, cell phone, radio, television, blue tooth, starbucks, big gulp, babyonboard, Iheartmypoodle distraction is just that. People ease up to stop lights oblivious to the traffic issues they’re causing behind. If traffic engineers assume that 15 people will go through each light cycle and only 8 make it because the third in line is busy doing whatever it is that they do in the car that isn’t driving, it doesn’t take too many before you’ve got a clusterfuck.

    Oh and Becky and Anon – if I sideswipe you, you’ll probably roll over. I’m low to the ground. 😉

    Phew. I think I just released my roadrage right here! I’ll be so zen on the way home today.

    Saturday my husband was running a few errands and came back in great humor. As he was leaving a shopping center, he saw odd little bits of paper coming from the back of an SUV. He couldn’t figure out what it was at first, but intrigued he sped up a bit to get a look. He noticed the vehicle was being driven a bit erratically, and wasn’t using turn indicators. As he came along side the vehicle he noticed a toddler, properly secured in his safety seat in the rear – but somehow he’d been able to reach mommy’s handbag. Those little pieces of plastic and paper? Credit cards and cash. Mom hadn’t seen a thing as she zoomed along merrily chatting and laughing on her phone.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Okay, I was feeling pretty chill myself until you listed about eight more reasons for my own road rage. Luckily I have a creative outlet to keep me from getting all cranky about it for very long 🙂 . I’ve actually been mocked by friends and passengers for my excess of manners – whole other story there – but there comes a time when you need the rest of the world’s population to give a little back or the temptation to join them in Assholeville gets to be too much.

      Oh – love the toddler story and plan on sharing that with my wife. She’s not the yap-aimlessly-while-driving type but we (mostly) affectionately refer to our 18-month-old son as “Devil Child” so she’ll appreciate hearing that things could be much worse.

      Enjoy your zen.

  7. Dana says:

    Oh and excuse my poor manners… this was cleverly written and you really ARE that attractive. 😉

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Pshaw, Madam. Your manners are excellent though I would question your visual acuity. (;

  8. Irene Zion says:

    Anon,

    Obviously your hearty male magnetism is so powerful that this poor wimpy woman in a wimpy car misplaced her knowledge of herself and her car. She imagined that she were a princess driving a bright yellow Maserati on the Autobahn.

    You somehow need to tamp down your intoxicating beefiness for your sake and that of your family.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Yet another bit of self-sacrifice for the greater good. Story of my life. Sigh.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Oh, now you’ve started it, Anon.
        You have to tell the story now.
        You don’t have to do it here in this post,
        but now we are ALL expecting to hear the story of your
        vasectomy!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ha. Not all, I’m sure :). Here’s the abridged version, though:

          Lie back and drop trou.
          Poke, snip, cauterize then stitch.
          Finally! I sleep!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Anon,
          That post was going to be pretty short.
          I’m glad you went with this one.
          Unless you can add some meat, (or subtract it, as the case may be.)

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          *snort* Why, Irene! That was almost bawdy… almost.

          Yes, this was just the basic gist. The post itself is a rather healthy size. In fact, I was actually planning on editing it down a bit so it wouldn’t be too intimidating. I’ll just use the first half… for now.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Haiku!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Gesundheit!

        • Becky says:

          *giggle*

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      You know, the funny thing is that I was going to put the finishing touches on a humorous piece about my vasectomy. Then there was the commute in and attempted Priuscide and I thought that perhaps the universe was telling me “TMI”….

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Okay, Irene. Per our previous exchange, please find posted the tale of my snippage.

  9. Zara Potts says:

    Don’t get me started on road rage.. I too have impeccable manners, but behind the wheel, I’m a demon.
    Now, I’m about to head out into the traffic and I’m in a particularly foul mood.. Grrrrrrr. Watch out Grannies.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Zen thoughts, Zara! And, failing that, remember that they won’t let you leave the country – or enter this one – next month with a manslaughter charge!

      Ooooohhhmmm……

    • Irene Zion says:

      Hey! et tu Zara?

      First Simon insults me and Anon and now you are insulting grandmothers?
      I am a grandmother, I’ll have you know, and I am a driver extraordinaire.

      You two are just getting to big for your britches, lately!

      • Zara Potts says:

        Oh Jinkers! NO!
        I love grandmothers! I love them like crazy. I just wish some of them would use their indicators when they turn…
        You’re right, we are definitely getting too big for our britches. I must stop eating hamburgers.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          “I must stop eating hamburgers.” Hey, easy now! That’s crazy talk. Perhaps just go low-carb and skip the buns.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Crazy talk indeed. As if I’d ever give up eating hamburgers.
          Ha.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Zara,

          You are totally forgiven for teaching me “Oh Jinkers!”
          I’m going to say that every day for the rest of my life.

          You’re talking about the GREATgrandmothers and the GREATGREATgrandmothers. The ones that you can’t see driving the car because they’ve shrunken to half their size.
          THOSE are the ones you have to watch out for!

        • Zara Potts says:

          You are right! It’s the great and great great grandmothers that I mean. I should have explained myself better.
          I’m so glad you are going to use ‘Jinkers!’ – My plan is to spread it around as much as possible. Simon’s using it, and it makes me happy to know that you will too.
          Jinkers!

        • Zara Potts says:

          Oh Irene –
          Here’s the urban dictionary take on JINKERS….

          1) To find out in shock or awe.
          2) find out the hard way and be surprised
          3) Scared out of your pantaloons

          1) “Jinkers! why didnt you tell me earlier”
          2) “Jinkers! You should have told me before”
          3) “Jinkers! I’m scared”

      • Andrew Nonadetti says:

        Perhaps it’s a just a non-literal Kiwism.

  10. Judy Prince says:

    Anon! The hamsters! They rock! ” . . . goading all four of the hamsters under your hood” and “hamsters frothing”. Had me giggling! As did the description of your truck—-which I totally didn’t expect to be a truck of Anon. No, indeed.

    Plus you did a fine objective job of describing yourself, you beast and baby-tamer!

    Oh, apparently you haven’t been following Simon’s and Duke’s posts about FORGIVENESS you simpleton!

    Go ahead, wave me ahead; just go ahead!

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Always happy to amuse, Madam. I giggled myself as the vision came to me – seeing little bits, bridles and the lot on these tiny, sweating, squeaking beasts.

      And I suppose it isn’t “my” truck. It belonged to an Anon who actually got out and about in the world, driving ‘twixt trees, over boulders and through mud lakes instead of to Daddy-daughter dates, hobby farms for pony rides and an office job.

      Sigh. But it’s a good life. I didn’t get internet service “out there” so I wouldn’t be able to post “in here”. A window closes, a door opens.

      • Judy Prince says:

        You’re one of the many fortunate men, being dad to a daughter. Every move, expression, sound, laugh, look, she will be recording in that dim little cellar later illumined in her search for The Perfect Man who will be you, only conveniently her age.

        That, my dear and funny Anon, is the Real Door that has opened for you, hand-carved and iron-braced, thick, secure and comforting.

        Sweet life!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Hm. Note to self: Teach daughter to have higher standards. She can do better.

        • Judy Prince says:

          That’s the ticket, Anon, said my dad so many times. 😉

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          And did it work? Shift your right foot if you can’t answer freely right now. 😀

        • Zara Potts says:

          No.. If I had a daughter I’d want her to grow up and marry someone like you, Anon.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Alright, now stop that. Allow me to hang on to at least the pretense of my former villainy. (But thank you.)

        • Judy Prince says:

          Anon, how come your funny face (I mean emoticon—-not yours….not that we’d KNOW!) has a big open-mouth smile, and my smiley face doesn’t?

          I am sooooo playing straight man here, feeding lines…..

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Mine is probably thinking dirty thoughts 😀 . See?

          Seriously, though, it’s a different symbol set – use a “:” followed immediately by a “D”.

        • Judy Prince says:

          OK, here goes….again. 😀

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ta-daaaa!!

        • Judy Prince says:

          Ta-DA!! Can you make a smiley face like mine, tho, Anon. 😉

          AND—-can you make an Uche caterpillar? Huh, huh, can you?

          A nother sweltering night in Norfolk; me tryna pretend I don’t *need* a.c. Yeah, right.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          I’m sure mine wouldn’t look as good as yours, m’dear. And, even if it did, I certainly could make a Boris!

          Fans any good to you? Swamp coolers? Even just a one-room standalone a.c. unit? I remember, as a child, my folks turning on the portable fan and putting a bowl of ice on the intake side. Yeah… thank God for a.c. technology. I mean, for those of us who have it. (Was that cold enough for you?)

        • Judy Prince says:

          You mean my very own Vile Boris gravatar?

          Never to worry, Anon, about cooling me down. heh. I’ve got the window open and blessedly have a ceiling fan, like the real old south only run by electricity.

          The prob, actually, is that my MacBk Air overheats. It imploded a couple months ago, and I thought it was the floorboards caving in beneath me the sound was so loud. Realising I was still seated and hadn’t fallen thru (like Clouseau in The Revenge of the Pink Panther), I kept typing but noticed a definite tilt to the Mac. Turns out the hinge had cracked. This Mac prob is a big deal, I found out thru googling. Was gonna pitch a b, but then decided to be patient—-and then the word MARBLE came to me! I’ll set the mac on a little slab of marble! If that’s not enuff, a bag of ice cubes, ala your parents.

          I’m using Rodent’s little HP notebook, a handy cute little thing.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Marble! Brilliant!

          I’m a netbook convert myself. I treated myself last January with the sole intent of ditching the “it’s too heavy and cumbersome to carry the laptop” excuse for not editing my NaNoWriMo effort. Now I couldn’t live without this little thing. I store my docs on a thumb drive and, should this ever go tits-up (if you’ll pardon the phrase) I haven’t really lost anything. At $250, I could buy two or three for the cost of a laptop, it weighs ~3lbs and is only slightly larger than a paperback. It goes in my “bag of everything” and comes everywhere with me.

          Christ, I sound like an infomercial now. I do love it, though.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Rodent’s (this one I’m using) is an HP Mini 110. What’s yours?

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Heh. ASUS Eee 1005-HA. I’m getting close to eight hours on a full charge, which comes in handy.

        • Judy Prince says:

          I just went to amazon.com for netbooks with the highest avg customer reviews, tops which was: Samsung NC10-11PBK 10.2-Inch Special Edition Netbook – 6 Cell Battery (9.5 Hours)

          Will check it out more tomorrow.

          Did check the reviews for the ASUS Eee 1005-HA, and there were loads of great reviews, but a whopping 100 one-star reviews, most complaining about the machine conking out after a couple days.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          I remember seeing that and it was my one big concern. Again, though, I figured it would be worth it at the price as long as it lasted more than three months. Later, I found a message board posting from a completely OCD engineer (God love him) who identified the problem as being an overheat sensor tripping and not resetting. He figured out a work around – stick it in the freezer for twenty minutes. Seriously.

          Enough people had tried it with success that I felt like I had a parachute so I jumped. I just make it a point to charge it fully then run it down almost to nil instead of running it plugged in, plus I keep it on maximum power conservation mode. So far, so good on month five – no problems at all.

        • Judy Prince says:

          There goes our carbon footprint growing growing GROWING…..by putting the little bugger in the freezer. A small footprint-enlargement to pay,tho, I guess. It’s just that I get less than happy….ok, really pissed off…..contemplating all these little tricks to make a bleeping product work like the manufacturers adverted that it works—–and then they ignore the complaints like they’ve walked off to some cosmic closet replete with big fat apple macs with 48 inch screens and virtual reality sounds and smells, but we’re off their radar permanently. One amazon customer reviewer said Samsung had obviously paid attention to the customers’ complaints and suggestions as evidenced by their subsequently designed product.

          Before I continue this rant, or because I’ve started it, or maybe both, I should say that sweetest and dearest Rodent gently said, “Why don’t you just keep my HP notebook?”

          No rants, just generosity from that Rodent.

          How’s the little guy? (your son, not the notebook)

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Thank you for asking. His fever broke Saturday night (I’m assuming right about the time he let out a contented sigh and promptly shot out a foot into my left eye – I was on the floor next to his mattress) and he seemed quite fine on Sunday but he started coughing his little head off yesterday and woke crying/coughing a few times every hour most of last night. He’s just sit up or open an eye, see me next to him and go right back down… for about half an hour or so before repeating. My wife’s calling the doctor today, just in case. Want to make sure it isn’t whooping cough or anything. Plus my back is getting stiff. (;

          I could not agree more on the poor customer service and planning these days. I’ve gotten quite good at hunting for bargains, no-frills and rare finds just so I can afford the anticipated repairs, replacements and jerry-rigging. I’m also realistic about my purchases. My questions aren’t “What can it do and can I afford it?”, they’re “”Will it do what I need and how do I make cost what I intend to pay?” I’m short a lot of bells and whistles but I get things done and have cash left over.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Nothing like getting wounded by your own kid, Anon. You made my mom heart surge with delight imagining your son waking to see you and, being assured of your presence, going right back to sleep. Awwwwww…..

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Nonsense. He was just instantly bored unconscious (;. Alright, now, enough commenting – gotta drive home and try not to inspire any fatalities on the way. Perhaps I’ll slap on a cap….

  11. Simon Smithson says:

    Who was it who posted a while back about being so enraged that they launched their grape slushie all over the offender’s back window? Was it Justin Benton, maybe? Because it was pure genius, and I saluted the maneuvre.

    I think maybe you should consider driving masked, Anon. You’re clearly a danger to the roads.

    (great sophomore post, by the way).

  12. Jordan Ancel says:

    Anon, what can I say?

    “Not only don’t I give a flying fuck about my ‘carbon footprint’, I also have little regard for hitting large, nearly immovable things with my vehicle – and you are neither large nor immovable.”

    That says it all.

    You are just too good looking and too cavalier to go out. That’s a deadly combination.

    Have you driven in LA much? Better stay away if you haven’t. You’ll cause major damage there.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      It’s all true and I haven’t even mentioned my amazing baritone voice and ability to telepathically commune with animals. Me driving in L.A. would be like Godzilla window shopping in Tokyo.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      By the way, Jordan, I’ve been meaning to mention – that’s a stunningly handsome Gravatar you’ve got there. (:

  13. Try living in Korea, man… This is a nation of people who never learned to drive, and who gawk unabashedly at foreigners. I was never in a car wreck before coming to Korea and now I’ve been in two (both in the back seat – not my fault). And I never thought I was a handsome lad until I came here. But I’ve been stared at like a fucking rockstar for two years. I wonder what it’ll be like going back to invisibility.

    Anyways, the world is full of shitty drivers. It’s all about being quick enough to get out of their way. I don’t have a car – I have a motorcycle. In a nation of wannabe murderers, you have to be fucking fast on your feet to avoid becoming part of the road.

    • Judy Prince says:

      This made me laff like a goof, David, and I can’t quit smiling at it: “you have to be fucking fast on your feet to avoid becoming part of the road.”

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Ouch, David! A kid here at work got pretty thoroughly pasted while riding his first motorcycle. He’s fine now but be nimble, my friend!

  14. Slade Ham says:

    I’ve been run off the road before on my motorcycle in a similar situation. I would love to put the blame on my dashing good looks but I’m pretty sure the guy was just a self-important asshole.

    My road rage is legendary, really. When I’m in the safety of a vehicle with four wheels, I will drive pretty aggressively back in their direction. And I will crush a Prius driver with no remorse.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      See, the problem is that I have this personal policy of not killing something unless my life is being threatened* or I’m going to eat it. The former seemed highly unlikely and the latter would get me in trouble with either the law or my wife, depending on whether the eating thing was done in a literal or suggestive sense. Regardless, just not worth it. But worth writing about. (:

      Oh and the asterisk was solely for Zara’s benefit….

  15. Slade Ham says:

    You can “wound” though, without killing…

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Yeah but that’s like catch and release fishing – what’s the point? If I’m hungry enough to catch it, that damn fish is now a filet!

    • Erika Rae says:

      A Tijuana Ninja never leaves survivors.

      • Slade Ham says:

        Hahaha 🙂 Funny, not two minutes ago I was just referencing Deep Fried and to the First Knuckle in a different comment.

        Alaskdelphia!

        • Erika Rae says:

          Dammit – I can’t find any mention of that supposed FDA regulation regarding the first knuckle in a sausage grinder. Is it real? Urban legend? I just don’t know!!! Not that it really matters as “to the first knuckle” has nothing to do with sausage. Heh.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Dammit – I can’t find any mention of that supposed FDA regulation regarding the first knuckle in a sausage grinder. Is it real? Urban legend? I just don’t know!!! Not that it really matters as “to the first knuckle” has nothing to do with sausage. Heh.

          I still am bewildered over the “Alaskdelphia” sushi roll. They could have *at the very least* inserted a courtesy vowel in the middle there.

          Our poor server. He was a good sport.

        • Slade Ham says:

          Hahahahaha, no it does not at all. You have to do it in Joey’s voice whenever you say it, and follow it with “cocksucker”.

          I am going to see if I can Snopes it. There’s no way that the FDA is cool with that, whatever the knuckle.

        • Slade Ham says:

          And yes… since there were two different versions of Alaskdelphia, we will never know which is correct. While I’m Googling knuckle laws, I may try to find the history of that restaurant, Toro was it?

        • Erika Rae says:

          Sushi Tomo – and here it is!

          http://www.eatattomo.com/

          On the “About Us” page, it says “information to come”. Pussies! I did find this, though:

          “Tomo Sushi provides friendly, attentive service. Our chefs create a blend of traditional and contemporary sushi combinations from around the world.”

          Apparently, the Tijuana Ninja and Alaskdelphia do a whole lot of ground coverage…

  16. Erika Rae says:

    Hey Anon,

    Just the other day, somebody thought I was so sexy behind the wheel of my Jeep, they careened around me to get a better look, and then shot up a #1 into the air with their middle finger.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Well, of course they were right – you are horribly, disfiguringly sexy. Most likely, they were so overcome by your sexiness, they were making the gesture to themselves in the rearview – “Fuck me!! I would never deserve to be with someone so earth-shatteringly sexy! I am a classless loser with no hope of betterment. And a diminutive penis. I am such an asshole!”

      Get me their license plate. I’ll comfort them on your behalf and try to make sure they don’t trip up a flight of stairs or something.

      • Erika Rae says:

        Thanks, Uncle Tony. ( ; Nice to have scary friends in fedoras.

        Disfiguringly. Heh.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          I’m not scary. Just a big pussycat. And I was originally contemplating “self-mutilatingly” but I think this flowed better. (:

        • Erika Rae says:

          I always remember who has kiddos. We parents need to be able to huddle together.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          As I believe I’ve already let Quenby know, that ain’t water in my Camelbak. Feel free to huddle up anytime for a few hits of Happy Parent Juice while the kids go Lord of the Flies for a bit.

        • Erika Rae says:

          “That ain’t water in my Camelbak” – You just reminded me of a night of very poor decision making I had once. (shuddering)

          Here’s to HPJ!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Oh, now I have to know….

        • Erika Rae says:

          She was one of my kung fu girls. We used to roam Boulder unleashed. We didn’t think we were the Charlie’s Angels or anything, but I believe we suspected we were pretty darn close. One of them used to carry around a Camelbak filled with, um, actually i have no idea what was in that thing. Regardless, we used to suck on it until dry. We called it the devil’s teat. Oh man. I think I’m going to shut up now.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          LOL. I’ll be kind and will let you off the hook. Although I think I’ll stick with “Happy Parent Hookah” or something not involving the word “teat” or anything phallic.

  17. Andrew,

    What I need to know is this: Were you wearing the hat? Was her love for you connected to her love for a man in a hat? Or was it your raw, pure, unfettered handsomeness that compelled her into your lane?

    Also, in your bio you stated that you once were employed “putting holes in things far away.” I’m curious. Did you also put things in the holes?

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      You may be on to something – I was sans hat. Thank God I’ve chosen to hide my face in my bio pic or you poor TNB women-folk would be futilely batting yourselves against your monitors.

      And, yes, I did put things in holes. At least twice. 🙂

      • Oh Andrew, or ANON, as you are often called here,

        You are like one of those people on that very old 60’s show What’s My Line. At least I think that’s what it was called. The mystery guest would sit there in the dark and the celebrity players would ask him/her questions like, “Did you ever put things in holes?”

        I must ask the follow up question now, “What did you put in the holes that you made?”

        I also must ask this: when the love-struck driver nearly drove into you, was your face shaven, or did you have the Johnny Depp mustache that appears in your bio. photo? We’re down to the details here. Will solve this case soon!

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ack. I can say no more about my appearance. I must remain in the shadows, I’m afraid. As for the holes, those that I made and those into which I put things were – thankfully! – entirely unrelated.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Two holes. Two children. You seriously crack me the f up.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          HAHAHA. Glad you appreciate the humor and remember small details.

  18. Carl D'Agostino says:

    In Miami it’s a cultural thing. Everything except an American cultural thing which I suppose doesn’t exist or never was. If the right blinker is on it means they are turning left or not really turning at all. If the left blinker is on it means their blinkers are working. If no blinker is on they may turn right or left. In any case they are “driving” me nuts. Their rear break lights remain on as they are moving and go off as they draw to a stop. The driving tips handbook says always drive defensively. I am sending my application to join NATO.

    • Andrew Nonadetti says:

      Hah. I’ve driven in and around Miami. The last time I rented a car, the Hertz guy was unamused and confused when I asked where the tailgunner is supposed to sit. Then again, I asked in English so it’s possible he just didn’t understand me.

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