Recent Work By Sean Beaudoin

Next Week: Inside story of how Mitt lost the debate, then his wife, then his mind.

Next Week: Fiona Apple is busted in Turkey smuggling a McRib sandwich!

Q: Is there a zombie Adam and Eve?

A: Yes. At least an Adam. And that, of course, would be Jesus. He is the first revenant. The first to rise from the dead and walk among us. Presumably he did not begin eating acolytes and chowing saints and lepers, but you never know. Yes, Jesus was the first zombie. If you believe in him, you believe in Z.


Q: How come Zombies don’t eat every part of a body before they move on to the next one?

 A: Do you eat all the toppings on your pizza, or do you pick some off? Do you always wipe your plate clean, or do you get tired of the pheasant compote in balsamic reduction after a few bites? Zombies are an amalgam of teeth, hands, gristle, and vague memories. Sometimes those memories take precedence over the logic of calorie intake.

Next Week: Paul Ryan dismisses every American not currently wearing an Ellsworth Toohey hoodie.

Next Week: Romney lashes out against himself in orgy of thoughtless mouth-leaking.

Next Week: Bonus suck! Newt announces he and Lindsey Buckingham are forming new supergroup “The Neuticals.”

Next Week: Chris Christie busted for steroids–the inside story.

Next Week: How to shrug off a legitimate stabbing.

Next Week: even more important changes in Level of Suck terminology

Next Week: all of classical music explained, rated, and thoroughly rectangled!


Next Week: Everything good and bad about China crammed into one six inch rectangle!


Next Week: Spin-off column "This Week's Magnitude of Gargle" debuts


Next Week: While in 3-D, Katy Perry discovers the Fifth Dimension. Which turns out to to be playing a few gigs in a Toledo dive bar.

Next Week: Scientology teaches you how to suck just a little bit less.

Next Week: Sudsy tub full of hot water and bath salts turns out not to have been on bath salts.