The objectification of women by celebrities, politicians, and athletes, unfortunately, seems an almost necessary and accepted joke. Here in Seattle a local sports-talk radio station, KJR, yearly caters to the male-dominated audience, filtering interviews with strippers and discussions of women’s “racks” with sports talk. The most egregious example is “The Bigger Dance.”

“WELCOME TO THE BIGGER DANCE: KJR’s Mitch in the Morning’s Bigger Dance is run much like the Big Dance, however, instead of bracketing 64 college basketball teams, KJR brackets 64 beautiful celebrity women. Simply fill out your bracket and tune in to KJR weekdays in April at 6:50 a.m., 7:50 a.m., 8:50 a.m., and 9:50 a.m. for the head to head matchups. With each round we’ll be closer to crowning our 2011 Dancing Queen of the Hardwood!”

Mitch “Dork in the Morning” Levy, creator of the “Bigger Dance,” once bet Seattle Storm point guard Sue Bird whether she would better a 2:1 assist-to-turnover ratio. The stakes? Mitch would buy season tickets vs. Sue would let herself be spanked on the air as she said, “Harder, daddy, harder!” All good fun, right? I’ll admit, Howard Stern can be funny, and I am all for women acting on free will, but what’s the bigger issue?

In the sporting world sexual assault is not taken seriously enough. From LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant to Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethslisberger, too many athletes get away with mistreating women.

The “Biggest Dork” Sweet Sixteen

 

  1. Charlie Sheen Holds a knife to his ex, three times accused of Domestic Violence, believes 9/11 was an inside job. Early favorite. Said: “Women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed.”
  2. Joe Francis CEO of Girls Gone Wild. Guilty of child abuse and prostitution. Said: “I’ve been anally raped over and over by the media.”
  3. Tucker Max Author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Said: “Rape sucks, dude, it’s like, not a joke.” & “Rape’s not funny, but murder can be.”
  4. Fred Phelps Frontman for Westboro Baptist Church. Fantasizes about Michael Savage’s weener. Said: “God hates fags! God hates America!”
  5. Michael Savage Real name Michael Weiner. Fantasizes about penetrating Fred Phelps. Said: “You should get AIDS and die.” (Fired from MSNBC for telling this to a gay-caller)
  6. Rush Limbaugh Divorced three times, married a fourth, but fears Gay-marriage. Said: “Will Americans want to watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?” (About Hilary Clinton in the White House)
  7. Ben Roethlisberger Entitled athlete, twice accused of sexual assault, Tennessee police bungled investigation. Still loved by America because he’s a damned good football player.
  8. Julian Assange Investigated for rape in Sweden. Offended NY Times executive editor Bill Keller by implying anti-Taliban Afghani informants should die. Said: “Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism.”
  9. Mel GibsonThreatened to kill ex Oksana Grigorieva. Said: “I’ll put you in a fuckin’ rose garden you c*nt!”
  10. Joran van der SlootIf his dorkiness were not overshadowed by evil, would be favored to win. Pissed off because there’s no Tucker Max in Peru’s prison library. Said: “The girl intruded on my private life. She had no right.” (Explaining why he murdered Stephanie Flores Ramirez)
  11. Sarah Palin Who says women can’t be dorks? Said: “Yes, the explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support.” (In support of abstinence-only education)
  12. Bill O’Reilly Settled his sexual harassment lawsuit with Andrea Mackris. Said: “Just use your vibrator to blow off steam.” (To Mackris)
  13. Mitch Levy Sucked at golf until he paid for lessons at Inglewood Country Club. His game has improved, but still dates insecure women. Said: “We were having an on-air debate over who was hotter – Ginger or Mary Ann.”
  14. Brett Favre Pulls a “John Edwards,” betrays cancer-stricken wife. It’s all about Brett. Still loved by America because he’s a damned good football player.
  15. Ann Coulter Not really a “dork” but a “dorkette.” Fantasizes about Sarah Palin’s breasts. Said: “If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.”
  16. Glenn Beck Mormon, believes the Angel Moroni revealed doctrine to Joesph Smith through mystical golden tablets. Covertly wants to reinstate the covenant in Section 132 regarding polygamy. Said: “If you’re an ugly woman, you’re probably a progressive as well.”

Not all mega-dorks made the list, including Mike Huckabee, Barry Bonds, Tiger Woods, Ron Blagojevich, and many other deserving phallus-and-testosterone riddled wankers… Stay tuned, the 16 dorks will be whittled down the Final Four. Who will reign as “The Biggest Dork?”

 

 

 

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CALEB POWELL's argument with David Shields about art and life, I Think You're Totally Wrong, is forthcoming from Knopf in 2015. He blogs at Arguments Worth Having and Notes of a Sexist Stay-at-home Father.

18 responses to “The Bigger Dance”

  1. Justin Benton says:

    Boers and Bernstein (Chicago, non-meatball sports talk) have the best bracket in the biz:

    http://chicago.cbslocal.com/tournament-of-bad/

  2. Gloria says:

    Don’t underestimate the steam-blowing-off-power of a vibrator.

    God, I hate Anne Coulter. I don’t mean to. I am a flawed, flawed human.

    Interesting, unsettling post Caleb.

  3. Caleb Powell says:

    Cool, Justin. My bro-in-law is from Chicago, and he & my sister lived there for eight years, so I’ve spent time there. Great place, sounds like the sports talk is better, too. Yeah, SNL came out with some sort of March “Madmen” with Sheen & Gadaffi in another of the oft-spoofed bracketologies.

  4. Caleb Powell says:

    Gloria, it is unsettling, or at least annoyed me into a useless boycott of the station (we now have another, at least). I called to complain a couple years ago, and that was the start of it.

    Best,
    Caleb

  5. Chris says:

    What do a woman and a tv have in common?
    If they don’t work, hit’em!

    Workin for my place in next years bracket.

  6. […] ready for the The Bigger Dance (click to see my rant against sexist KJR radio)! And finally, the painting of the month by […]

  7. tom says:

    I always wonder why the whores/gold diggers in bars are never held accountable. Also, grow up!! idiots. women have and will always play off of their looks and curves. It sounds like you are probably ugly or fat or both. why don’t you move to the middle east where women are treated better.

  8. Myron Gaines says:

    Holy lmfao what a pussy this guy is. Are you so desperate that you put up a beacon for ugly internet dwelling whales to flock to this post and compliment you on your chivalry? Grow a pair and deal with it, white knight.

  9. Drew S. says:

    you belong on your own dork list caleb. You sound like a stereotypical seattle sissyfied puss…yup ya just confirmed my assessment, by clicking onto your page.yaaaaaaaaaaawning… Overly conscious reviews and discussions on literature,only read by intellects such as yourself. So mitch has his bigger dance-which clearly sells, and generates much interest.an interactive,competitive tournament for his listeners, to crown this years most attractive,appealing, and relevant woman in pop-culture.You have a “dork” sweet sixteen list? Ummmmmm, first off, the word dork is just about as relevant in the english vocabulary, as your blog is to the public masses. Haven’t heard that word in at least 15 years. Thanks to mitch and kjr for the use of the the images, and the name of the contest, to help generate intrest and to attract readers for calebs blog/dork list. Caleb thanks for bringing to my attention and creating awareness of athletes getting away with criminaly and civily,mistreating women. This is a very big problem amongst pro athletes indeed. I was thinking…How many professional athletes are there in the U.S. ? Baseball,basketball,football,soccer,hockey + the minor/developmental leagues,plus all the other sports like golf,boxing,mma,ice skating, skateboarding,cycling,nascar,motocross,running etc… Now take your publicized examples, like Big Ben, Kobe Bryant, Lawrence Taylor. Find some more and add them to that list. Now divide your list by the number of professional athletes, employed and competing in this country and you will get the percentage of athletes that have issues with sexual assualt(if convicted) and misconduct (alleged). When you figure those numbers out caleb, you can blog your second installment of the “the biggest dork” elite 8. Post that research, if you so choose to do so. Is this really a issue? Or are athletes and their issues,mishaps,mistakes,crimes just POLARIZED, by modern day media outlets, to stimulate the publics appetite for gossip and trainwrecks? Keep reaching Caleb.

  10. Drew S. says:

    stick to blogging about the boring ass books that only college professors read. if your really gonna try and create a following, an audience, or whatever it is your trying to attract, THAN BLOGG ABOUT INTERSTING MATERIAL!!! man i would rather watch paint dry and listen to NPR than read another one of your blogs i accidently stumbled upon.hahaha such a pussy. go drink a local micro brew on capital hill somewhere, in a pair of skinny jeans w/ a rinbow shirt AFTER you advocate for feminists in a parade like march down broadway. 😉

  11. sheree says:

    Holy crap. According to the comment above mine, I’ve got an intellect. Bwahahahaha. Thanks TNB!

    I like your post Mr Powell and don’t think you to be a pussy for writing it.

    In my humble country opinion, sports figures and casters seem to have lost a sense of class over the years.

    I look forward to reading future posts from you.

  12. Drew S. says:

    hey sheree, why dont you read the comment above the comment, thats above your comment. maybe you can do the math for caleb. you can have the intellect any day all day, ill take the accurate sense of reality. Holy crap!did my stereotyping or generaliztion of the author make me sound like a caveman?uneducated?ignorant? yes? is calebs stereotyping of athletes being sexual deviants who are never held accountable, make him sound like an intellect? of course it does,why wouldnt it? so in my not humble urban/suburban opinion, he sounds likes a puss.bwahahahaha.

  13. Shaun says:

    Wow, how original to fill your pathetic list with those that lean right politically. You’re a hypocrite and a horrible writer. If this is your day job, you’re in trouble…

    WASTE OF TIME!

  14. Shaun says:

    Wow, how original to fill your pathetic list with those that lean right politically. You’re a hypocrite and a horrible writer. If this is your day job, you’re in trouble…no woman actually cares of your useless protest of The Dance. It’s not getting you any dates.

    WASTE OF TIME!

  15. […] and their sponsors. My previous TNB post took on KJR’s Mitch “Dork in the Morning” Levy and The Bigger Dance. I sent a post of this article to KJR, and soon after a few members of the KJR Society for the […]

  16. […] culprit is KJR, who’s claim to fame is not a sophisticated take on sports, but rather their (Bigger) Dance. I posted at The Nervous Breakdown about these bozos, and followed it up after a back-and-forth […]

  17. Buy Buy Bigger Breasts Products…

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  18. CHris says:

    Did anyone care to comment on the fact that the grand prize winner of both prize categories of the bigger dance were both Women last year? Lets leave people to do as they please and stop trying to adjust other peoples attitudes to your own. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. To call people names and say they are “Dorks” or stupid or any other excoriating name because you think they are doing wrong is arrogant and not worth an intelligent persons time.

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