Please explain what just happened.
I was reading my emails and I learned that I had won the Brazilian Microsoft lottery! The email asked if I wanted the $5 million sent to me? I emailed back: “yes, send it to me right away!” It was then I realized I had responded to this stupid question thing and erased the Microsoft info!
What is your earliest memory?
6 AM. No, wait, I think I remember something at 4 AM. I am not a morning person.
Please describe the current contents of your refrigerator.
Filled with lots of soda, juice, and a water bottle I hardly ever drink from. There are tons of left-overs in little plastic containers. And lots of things in packages like cheese, turkey, etc.
What verb best describes you?
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
I would say: “My God, this is scary! You look exactly the way I looked when I was 13!”
What are the steps you take to regain your composure?
First I have a screwdriver. Second. I have a screwdriver. Third. Problem? What problem? And who am I? And why do I look this bad at age 13?
Getting paid a really decent amount of money for doing what you really want to do.
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
Watching the early days of TV, namely Sid Caesar on “Your Shows of Shows.” I laughed at that show so much; I thought: I want to write stuff like this when I grow up. (You can find old “Show of Shows” shows on DVD).
What change do you want to be in the world?
I would like this question to be changed into one that I could understand.
Are you pro- or anti-emoticon? Please explain.
I’m neutral emoticon, which thankfully doesn’t require an explanation. Next question please.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
Weird Al Yankovic is a MAD fan, and we’re Weird Al fans. Weird Al invited us to a live show he was doing in NYC at the Beacon Theatre. After the show we went backstage to say hello. Waiting outside Weird Al’s dressing room was Kevin Bacon. So that’s like one degree away right? I mean I was standing RIGHT next to him. I even said “hello.”
What makes you feel most guilty?
Giving flip answers to questions so I don’t have to work hard and think.
Please list three things you never leave home without.
Wallet, keys, egg rolls.
What is the worst piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?
Become a TNB Arts & Culture Featured Artist!
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
Telling a friend: That rent stabilized penthouse apartment on Park Avenue your family left you will bring you nothing but misery! Let me live there. It will put a barrier between you and the “family curse.”
What do you consider the harshest kind of betrayal?
Stealing ideas and taking credit for them. (But I’m getting better.)
Of all the game shows that have graced our TV screens throughout history, which one would you want to be a contestant on and why?
I’d like to be on “Match Game.” I wrote the questions for “Match Game” for 18 years but I never got to answer any of them on the show! (Yes, it’s true. I worked for Goodson-Todman for many, many years writing those “Dumb Dora, Weird Willie, etc.” questions.)
What do you want to know?
Is there a way to parlay answering these questions into an acting career?
What would you like your last words to be?
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Please explain what will happen.
I’ll send in these 21 answers and then get an email saying: “Everyone here at A&C Feature Artist loved your answers! But it turns that the email you received asking you to answer those 21 questions really wasn’t meant for you. But thanks for your time. Perhaps we’ll use your answers some other time!”