While I have a great deal of respect for my opponent, President Obama, I am forced once again to come to the American people and set straight the distortions that both his campaign and the leftwing, lamestream media have continued to promulgate.

Two plus two does not equal four.

This is not complicated. And I will say it loud, proud, and straight-faced, every hour on the hour, from now until election day.

I think many of you will remember, before the corruption of the current administration, a purer, more innocent period, your childhoods, when you thought two plus two was three—or two, or five!—a time before pointy headed, obsessive fussbudgets like your teachers (that surly bunch of unionized leftists) beat that flexibility and respect for deeper, more personal truth, right out of you.

Two plus two can mean whatever you want it to mean.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

That, my friends, is the beauty, the power, the freedom, of American individualism. This is not the Soviet Union—or Europe!—where decision making is collectivized.

We don’t bow down before self-appointed “experts” or “scholars.” We’re not interested in “facts.”

We make our own rules!

I have promised that I will lower taxes on everyone, increase spending on the military, erase the deficit, and put a car elevator in every garage.

If President Obama claims that this “doesn’t add up,” I say, “Mr. President, we’ll add however we want, and we’re going to subtract you!”

Mr. Obama claims that my plans have been vetted by so-called “independent policy analysts” and have come up short.

But my plans have survived—in some version or another—a far more rigorous and robust process of analysis and criticism, from Mr. Pizza, Congresswoman Batshit-Crazy, and Governor Oops—all of them loyal, native-born Americans (not that I mean to suggest anything about whether or not the president is a loyal American or where he might or might not have been born; I will not stoop to that level).

My friends, did you know that the numbers with which Mr. Obama does his “arithmetic” are Arabic numbers? This is absolutely true.

Ask him. Ask his handlers, ask the leftwing media, ask a “teacher.”

Make them answer you, “yes or no,” no hemming or hawing or evading or talking about “standards” or “history” or “everybody-does-it.”

We cannot continue to have a president of the United States (of whatever religious faith; I’m not going to stoop to arguing about that) who criticizes other people for their “arithmetic,” who has the arrogant audacity to tell other people, to tell the real American people, what does or does not “add up,” when he uses a number system developed by the enemies of this great country.

Let us move forward, my friends, past this childish argument, to a new morning in America, where we break free from the tyranny of logic, and grasp the open-ended promise of bounty-without-cost that is the birthright of all people who were actually born here (not that I mean to make any inference about where our Arabic-numeral using president might really have come from; I will not stoop to that level).

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DONALD N. S. UNGER teaches in the Program in Writing & Humanistic Studies at MIT. His book, Men Can: The Changing Image & Reality of Fatherhood in America, was published by Temple University Press in 2010. www.men-can.com

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