Hi. Sorry, it’s taken me so long to get to this. I’m in Minneapolis right now and…..what? Why are you smiling?

I’m not allowed to smile?


Not that knowing ‘I know David better than he knows himself’ smile. It’s really annoying.

Why are you so threatened?


I’m not threatened.

You seem threatened.


Well, I’m not. I’m in Minneapolis…

On tour?


Yes.

So, I suppose you’ll do your whole ‘ain’t I adorable’ performance thing tonight…


My thing?

Yeah, your whole ‘oh, little me’ thing.


That’s kind of hostile.

It is?


Yeah, it is. You know it is.

I do?


Yes, you do. Why do you always have to be such an asshole?

To answer your question with a question: do you ever stop tap-dancing?


Tap-dancing?

Plainer and easier to understand? You seem a little old for that ‘oh, little me’ act, frankly.


PAUSE

Wow, you’re being a real dick, even for you.


Am I wrong?

No, I suppose not.


Okay, so stop being such a pussy. Ready to do this?

Sure, I suppose so.


Okay. So. How are you?

Oh, you know.



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DAVID RAKOFF is the author of the books Fraud and Don’t Get Too Comfortable. A two-time recipient of the Lambda Literary Award, he is a regular contributor to Public Radio International’s This American Life. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, Newsweek, Wired, Salon, GQ, Outside, Gourmet, Vogue, Slate, Harper’s Bazaar, and the New York Observer, among other publications, and has been included in Da Capo’s Best Music Writing, The Best American Travel Writing as well as The Best American Non-Required Reading.

He can be seen in the movies Capote (fleetingly), Strangers with Candy (fleetingly; mutely), and, most recently he adapted the screenplay for and starred in Joachim Black’s film The New Tenants, which won the 2010 Oscar for Best Live Action Short.

4 responses to “David Rakoff: The TNB Self-Interview”

  1. Derek Young says:

    This had me in stitches.

  2. Jessica Blau says:

    Hilarious!

  3. Rachel Pollon says:

    Dear David,

    My self really relates to your self. Glad to see you here. I am a huge admirer of your work.

    Tap on!

    Rachel

  4. Gloria says:

    So funny. You and yourself fight like an old married couple.

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