For an explanation of the 30 Stories in 30 Days, start at Day 1.
Today’s story is dedicated to my friend Amanda, who, earlier today, wouldn’t stop telling me what an asshole our friend’s cat is.
First of all, I know he’s an asshole. I used to live with that cat. You don’t need to tell me.
Second of all, even an asshole cat is just a cat. You are still bigger and better than him. Why do you let him get to you?
And so, I present:
Nine Reasons Why Being You is Better Than Being That Cat
(And One Reason Why It’s Not)
You’re better than that cat because…
1. You’re taller. According to science, basketball, and all the guys I’ve ever dated, taller is always better. Always.
2. You can open the fridge. That cat can open doors. He can open pizza boxes. He can open a vein with one swift swipe. But he can’t open the fridge. Oh, I am sure that he has tried. That cat is a fucking pig. Remember when Betsy’s six-year-old son asked, “Is your cat a walrus?” It wasn’t because Betsy’s six-year-old son didn’t understand how walruses work. It’s because that cat is fucking fat, like a big blubbery walrus. And that cat is always hungry. And he can’t open the fridge, which is where all the good food is kept. And you totally can.
3. Toilet paper. That cat licks his own ass.
4. You know the other day when you were like, “Mmm, you know what sounds delicious? Spaghetti. I should make spaghetti,” and then you made spaghetti? And you ate the spaghetti and it was, in fact, delicious? And remember how you can do that any time you fucking feel like it? That cat never gets to make spaghetti! He doesn’t get to be “in the mood for Thai” or “feel like chicken tonight.” He eats the same dried-up mealy fish flavored cat food every single day. And you get to make spaghetti.
5. You have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Communication Design from the School of Visual Arts at the University of North Texas. That cat can’t even spell “meow.”
6. You can drive a car and ride a bike and roller-skate. That cat can only roller blade.
7. I’ve heard that sex with you is awesome, whereas sex with that cat is pretty gross.
8. Remember that time you saw Built to Spill at SxSW? You waited in line all day for tickets, but then you got in and saw them play with Excene Cervenka from X and The Old 97s and they rocked your fucking face off? Remember how you laughed when they started playing “Freebird” but then it turned out to be surprisingly awesome? And then the next night they played a secret show, but you found out and snuck in and saw them again? That cat has never even heard of Built to Spill. What a loser!
9. You only sleep in a dude’s basement when you want to. That cat does it every damn night.
That cat is better than you because…
1. He is still on Facebook.