For an explanation of the 30 Stories in 30 Days, start at Day 1.

Today’s story is dedicated to my friend Amanda, who, earlier today, wouldn’t stop telling me what an asshole our friend’s cat is.

First of all, I know he’s an asshole. I used to live with that cat. You don’t need to tell me.

Second of all, even an asshole cat is just a cat. You are still bigger and better than him. Why do you let him get to you?

And so, I present:

 

Nine Reasons Why Being You is Better Than Being That Cat
(And One Reason Why It’s Not)

You’re better than that cat because…

1. You’re taller. According to science, basketball, and all the guys I’ve ever dated, taller is always better. Always.

2. You can open the fridge. That cat can open doors. He can open pizza boxes. He can open a vein with one swift swipe. But he can’t open the fridge. Oh, I am sure that he has tried. That cat is a fucking pig. Remember when Betsy’s six-year-old son asked, “Is your cat a walrus?” It wasn’t because Betsy’s six-year-old son didn’t understand how walruses work. It’s because that cat is fucking fat, like a big blubbery walrus. And that cat is always hungry. And he can’t open the fridge, which is where all the good food is kept. And you totally can.

3. Toilet paper. That cat licks his own ass.

4. You know the other day when you were like, “Mmm, you know what sounds delicious? Spaghetti. I should make spaghetti,” and then you made spaghetti? And you ate the spaghetti and it was, in fact, delicious? And remember how you can do that any time you fucking feel like it? That cat never gets to make spaghetti! He doesn’t get to be “in the mood for Thai” or “feel like chicken tonight.” He eats the same dried-up mealy fish flavored cat food every single day. And you get to make spaghetti.

5. You have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Communication Design from the School of Visual Arts at the University of North Texas. That cat can’t even spell “meow.”

6. You can drive a car and ride a bike and roller-skate. That cat can only roller blade.

7. I’ve heard that sex with you is awesome, whereas sex with that cat is pretty gross.

8. Remember that time you saw Built to Spill at SxSW? You waited in line all day for tickets, but then you got in and saw them play with Excene Cervenka from X and The Old 97s and they rocked your fucking face off? Remember how you laughed when they started playing “Freebird” but then it turned out to be surprisingly awesome? And then the next night they played a secret show, but you found out and snuck in and saw them again? That cat has never even heard of Built to Spill. What a loser!

9. You only sleep in a dude’s basement when you want to. That cat does it every damn night.

***

That cat is better than you because…

1. He is still on Facebook.

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Founder and editor of online magazine Kittenpants, producer for stage and screen, former writer for the Comedy Central Insider, quoted in both Maxim and Jane: DARCI RATLIFF can do it all, and does do it all (on or before the third date). Buy her book, If I Did It at kittenpants.com.

7 responses to “30 Stories in 30 Days: Day 16”

  1. I don’t know, Dave the Cat is sort of intimidating. I might have trouble coming up with nine reasons why being me is better. Starting with my mere one life.

    Also, that you’ve got 16 hilarious stories in half a month is like some kind of Olympic feat. Let’s see Dave try that.

  2. amandalbs says:

    I’ve got one for you. Dave is an asshole. End of story.

  3. amandalbs says:

    Nine reasons why Dave is terrible and one why he isn’t.

    1. He bullies the other animals. He is a big fat walrus cow because he eats all of Buster’s food. I bet he eats Sam’s food, too. And all the neighborhood creatures. Not their food. Them. And cockroaches.
    2. He peed on my bag. Sticky, stinky, male cat pee. The bag was thrown away.
    3. He licks razor blades.
    4. He’s one of those cats that acts all nice and after about 30 seconds of petting, turns on you and scratches the shit out of your arm. Or your face.
    5. Dave will wait behind a door at the end of the hall for you to walk by so he can scratch the shit out of you when you walk by.
    6. I almost didn’t get that long winded degree because of Dave (not really, but I’m being dramatic here). When Carol first got him as a kitten, he got his greasy paws all over my senior portfolio slides. Prints right dead in the center of the slides. This was back in the olden days when getting reprints wasn’t an option. These were the originals. And my senior portfolio review was a BFD. In Dave’s defense, he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to jump into the middle of my slides. He was a kitten. Even as an adult cat, how would he know? Fair enough. So we put him in his crate while we cleaned them up and I finished organizing them. This was not a long process. But in the meantime, he pissed and shit all over himself in the crate. ALL OVER. Then we got to give him a bath. AND HE SCRATCHED THE SHIT OUT OF US.
    7. He peed on another bag.
    8. FUCK HIM.
    9. He is on Facebook.

    1. Carol seems to love him.

  4. Dana says:

    I really want to introduce Johnny to Dave.

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