For an explanation of the 30 Stories in 30 Days, start at Day 1.


Okay. Today is totally cheating, I know. But I stumbled upon this old IM conversation I had with my friend, Matt Tobey, and it made me laugh so hard that I thought I’d share it. We could all use a laugh, right? RIGHT?

It features a script idea for THE GREATEST STORY NEVER TOLD. My apologizes to the families of Patrick Swayze and Lou Gehrig.


Patrick Swayze’s Final Podcast

Darci: I miss Junkiness
Darci: I’m gonna bring it back in podcast form and its going to kick your podcasts’s ass
Darci: (podcass)
Darci: But I need someone else’s magic touch. Find me someone to give me a magic touch.
Darci: besides your dad
Matt: what about Patrick Swayze?
Darci: he is like the wind, I suppose
MT: and he’ll be dead soon
MT: patrick swayze’s final podcast
Darci: oh and also, I am writing a new script
Darci: it’s for a dark comedy/dramedy/sci-fi/fantasy film
Darci: it’s called Patrick Swayze’s Final Podcast
Darci: In it, Lou Gehrig plays Patrick Swayze, the luckiest guy in baseball. “Swayze” goes into the future to the year 2010, where everyone has a podcast.
Darci: Everyone. Literally. Even newborn babies.
Matt: LOL
Darci: He looks himself up on iTunes and finds that his last podcast was uploaded a year ago
Darci: which means he’s dead
Darci: and in order to find out what happened, he has to listen to his archives
Darci: the problem is, his ancient modem from 2008 is so slow
Darci: (and his podcasts are so boring)
Darci: But he is persistent, and finally learns he will die of Lou Gehrig’s disease
Darci: (IRONY!)
Darci: so he goes further into the future and discovers a cure
Darci: then goes back to 2008 and cures himself
Darci: then goes back to Lou Gehrig’s time and cures him, so that he can later star in this movie
Darci: and he changes the name of the disease to “shit sucks syndrome”
Darci: Then he goes back to 2007 and marries Diablo Cody for some reason. He dies two years later at a baseball game when he gets hit in the head by a foul ball. Turns out, with Lou Gehrig surviving his case of “shit sucks syndrome” he continued playing baseball and became famous for hitting foul balls. So now when a player hits a lot of foul balls, they say that player has “Lou Gehrig’s disease.”
Darci: So “Swayze” changes everything – and yet, he changes nothing. It’s so deep. SO so deep.
Darci: Oh, and Babe Ruth makes a cameo as a dancing enchilada
Matt: I would see that
Darci: right?

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Founder and editor of online magazine Kittenpants, producer for stage and screen, former writer for the Comedy Central Insider, quoted in both Maxim and Jane: DARCI RATLIFF can do it all, and does do it all (on or before the third date). Buy her book, If I Did It at

5 responses to “30 Stories in 30 Days: Day 9”

  1. Dan Burt says:

    That sounds awesome. I would see that, too

  2. Heather says:

    I would see that, too, since it’s your movie. What would your cameo role a la Stephen King?

  3. Heather says:

    Excuse me. I can’t write… What would your cameo role BE a la Stephen King?

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