Please explain what just happened.
I have no idea. I was in the booth facing the restrooms and Donnie came in all fucked up and I was all like, “What the fuck, Donnie?” and he was all like, “It was fucking n*****s, dude. Like three fucking n*****s.” And I was all like, “Shut the fuck up” because there were like three tables of black people in there and he’s all yelling and shit, but whatever the fuck it was, it was goddamned embarrassing because I wasn’t even drunk yet.
But fucking Donnie… Donnie is a fucking idiot.
What is your earliest memory?
I’m not sure. I have a series of tattoos, notes and Polaroids but I don’t exactly know which one is the first. Either way, I’m pretty sure somebody murdered my wife.
If you weren’t a comedian, what other profession would you choose?
Defense attorney if I had somebody else to do the paperwork. Maybe. I wouldn’t “choose” to sell used cars, but if I did, I would refer to my inventory as “that yard full of jalopies.”
Please describe the current contents of your refrigerator.
I prefer to let the contents speak for themselves –- with actions rather than words. But I’ve heard other people describe the contents as “cold.”
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
No, but there are sixteen more questions. You shoulda put this one towards the end.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
“Psst. Hey, kid. Yes, you. You want me to take you to Toys R Us? I’ll buy you anything you want. Seriously. Anything you want. It’s okay, I know your Dad. C’mon now get in the truck. You’ll have to sit in the middle cuz I have all those milk crates full of books on the other seat. It sure is a hot day to be wearing long pants.” And so on.
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Pink Floyd – The Wall. Unless I was trying to get over the break-up of Pink Floyd. Then I’d obviously have to choose something else entirely.
What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
The folly or tragic downfalls of others.
Name a book that changed your life.
You Are Being Lied To from Disinfo.com
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
Either falling in love or the joy of quitting a job on the spot. That feeling of freedom when you throw down the apron, give ’em the finger, and walk out into the parking lot is magical.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
He was the best man at my cousin’s wedding.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Mornings. Every single one of them.
What would you most like to have invented?
Maybe you should just make this 10 or 12 questions. You’re really going into the well for this one. So I’ll just say stinkless pussy, which of course was invented by the Norwegians.
What is the worst piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?
Eat at Cracker Barrel.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
I was giving advice to an open mic comic once when my friend told me, “Don’t give advice to comics. You’re only telling them how to be more like you.” I pass that on as often as I can.
What do you consider the harshest kind of betrayal?
Chief Jay Strongbow not really being an Indian.
Of all the game shows that have graced our TV screens throughout history, which one would you want to be a contestant on and why?
21 Questions was a radio game show in the 40’s. I wouldn’t want to do that one. I tend to run out of steam in the second half.
What do you want to know?
Your American Express number. Somebody’s gonna have to pay for this.
What would you like your last words to be?
“Fuck you. Google it if you don’t believe me.”
Please explain what will happen.
I’m sorry, sir. You’re over your limit. Please deposit coins into the slot to continue.