This is the face of pure evil. Her name is Eddie. We call her Special Ed.

I know what you’re thinking. Ah, she’s soooo cute. Wrong. She’s deceiving. Those big dumb eyes are no more than fishing lures. She wants you to pet her, to feed her, to tolerate her. “Please,” she’s saying. “Treat me like a princess.”

Which is all well and good, you might say. She’s a cat. Cats are instinctively selfish beings. They do what it takes to make us love them, because love means food and warmth and tummy rubs. They feign interest because it gets them the attention they need.

Eddie, though, is different from most cats. She’s truly special. She has no soul, very little intelligence, and probably the most amazing natural resource of evil instincts. She can cause a man to reach the edge of his sanity without even trying. Her very purpose in life, it seems, is to coax me into an early grave.

It started with a hiss.

Back in the harsh winter of 2009, on the mountainous eastern edge of Daegu, in South Korea, I was preparing a delicious dinner for my girlfriend, who was working late, when the door flew open and in she ran with a tiny baby cat. She was covered in motor oil and clutching the animal, which at that stage was smaller than I even thought a cat could be. I walked over to help, and the cat looked at me and hissed. In the ensuing hours, dinner was ruined, the cat continued to hiss at me, and all my towels were soaked in motor oil.

It’s a pattern that’s been repeated over the past two years. I make something, Eddie ruins it. I look at her, she hisses. Something exists, she destroys it.

She’s the world’s tiniest natural disaster.

We realised early on that Eddie (who was then known as Sparkplug) was brain-damaged. Not seriously, just a little slow. When Amy had found her she was in the engine of a car, as an old Korean man tried to cook her alive with the heat from the vehicle. She had been starved and tortured and had almost died. She was doomed to be a runt for life.

Eddie learned then that being noisy could save her life and ever since she has persistently meowed until my hair has fallen out and neighbours have complained. She has separation anxiety and cannot stand to be ignored for a moment, or to see another cat being treated well.

Eddie was our second cat, and because the first, Berry, had been such a blessing, we naively opened our hearts and homes to this little demonic ball of fur. We couldn’t have known then that we were harbouring a beast with the capacity to commit cold-blooded murder, to spill gallons of human blood and cost thousands of hard-earned dollars.

We soon learned, though, that Eddie was a troublemaker. She liked jumping on things. Even when she was small enough to fit on the palm of my hand, and I didn’t think for a minute she could jump five feet in the air, she was secretly catapulting herself into the sink to lick unwashed dishes. She decided that her favourite pastimes included doing anything that she was not allowed to do, and doing whatever it took to get extra scraps of food.

She is an unfortunate mix of ignorance and evil. She will do the most awful things with the greatest of kitty cunning… but in the end her stupidity always gives her away. When she has been bad her ears will flatten down Yoda-like (see first photo) and she will make a terrified whining. She also thinks that if she can’t see you, you can’t see her, and it’s perfectly safe for her to rummage through the trash or steal your lunch.

One day I came home from a twelve hour shift at work to find that the house had been painted pink and yellow. It hadn’t been painted by any person, but the culprit was plain to see: a small pink and yellow cat, cowering in the corner, her footprints trailing around the house as irrefutable evidence of her evil.

“Why paint?!” I screamed. “Paint isn’t even delicious!” Of course, I knew the answer: Eddie will do whatever it takes to be annoying.

Another time I came home with a big bag of kibble. I turned my back for a half second and Eddie pounced on the bag. When I turned and shouted at her she shat all over the bag, my shoes and many other things. I tried to grab her before she shat all over the house, and she lashed out with her teeth and claws and ripped a three inch gash in my right hand. The smell of shit and the sight of blood made me vomit, and when I finally caught Eddie, she was covered in her own shit and piss, my vomit, and a lot of bright red blood. This was only weeks after the paint incident, too, and she remained pink and yellow for maybe six months.

A little later, she murdered our two hamsters. Berry, Ed’s older sister, has not the heart to murder a small animal. Once she tried to examine a hamster and was swiftly dealt a tiny fist to the face. Eddie, however, pulled the little creatures through the bars of their cage, spilling blood across the house (again) and devouring all but the livers. She is a cold-blooded killer.

I could go on and on, listing the various scars – mental and physical – that this little abomination against nature has left on me. But instead I’ll skip ahead, suggesting that the above examples were repeated on a weekly basis for around a year and a half, to Ed’s most ingenious trick.

It was not long before I was unceremoniously booted out of South Korea when Ed began acting strange. Not strange as in her usual moronic/despicable actions, but rather shying away from food and hiding even from Amy. We were both worried. Even though I’d always wished Ed hadn’t been born, I didn’t like seeing her sick. I didn’t want her to die.

I took her to the vet and they ran hundreds of dollars worth of tests, and found nothing. Eventually, after much prompting, they ran an x-ray and found that she’d eaten a penny. “It’s a foreign coin!” the vet shouted at me, and proceeded to lecture me on foreign treatment of animals (!!!!!!!).

It cost me a cool thousand dollars to have a Korean penny (!!!!!!!) removed from Ed’s stomach. The vet – after enacting a spectacular dismount from his moral high horse – explained that I owned the only cat in the world stupid enough to eat a coin.

I enact my revenge, of course. Eddie strives to make my life a misery and I am bound by some foolish sense of duty to feed her, to clean her, to keep her warm and to replace the toys she constantly breaks. So I do what I can to get my own back. I fuck with her. I make her dance, I put her in boxes, I make her do taekwondo, I dress her up as a reindeer, I mock her on the internet.

I think for a minute or two that she is my bitch, but then it’s time to clean the litter box as she waits for me to finish so that she can lay a fresh poop.

When Ed returned home, after recovering from penny-removal surgery, she found she had a new baby sister. Having obviously learned nothing from the nightmare that was the previous year and a half, I had rescued a tiny baby kitty on one of my trips home from the vet. It had been thrown from a car window and almost died of starvation. I took her home and got her shots and somehow made the decision to keep her. Her name was Monkey.

Eddie doesn’t like anything that comes between her and her way of life – cuddling with Amy and eating and being bad. Monkey was an extra mouth, another cuddlebug, and not very subtle when it came to misdeeds. When Eddie first met her, she hissed. She hissed and growled and snapped and bit, and for months she continued to be a big, bad bully.

In the end, we had to give Monkey away. It just wasn’t fair to keep her in the same house as Eddie.

You may read this and feel a certain level of sympathy for Eddie. If you met her you would almost certainly fall in love with her. She is what we ask of our pets – cute, cuddly, and a little bit naughty. Life around Ed is eventful. She gives you something to talk about, something to do.

She is, though, undeniably, a degenerate cat. Her sister is a veritable angel compared to this furry greedhead. Not a day goes by without a fantastic attempt to make my life a misery. She is my nemesis, my Nermal. She is the loveable oaf with a heart of pure darkness that no one can see but me.

***

***

Words by David S. Wills

Photos by Berry

 

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DAVID WILLS is the managing editor of Beatdom Magazine, and the author of The Dog Farm and Scientologist! William S. Burroughs and the 'Weird Cult'. You can learn more about him on his website.

89 responses to “Portrait of a Degenerate Cat”

  1. For more kitty-related reading, I recommend William S. Burroughs’ The Cat Inside.

  2. […] The Nervous Breakdown thenervousbreakdown.com/dswills/2011/01/portrait-of-a-degenerate-cat/ – view page – cached David S. Wills describes his nemesis – a cat, David S. Wills describes his nemesis – a cat […]

  3. Greg Olear says:

    We know too well cats like this…when our older cat died, we took in two kittens that someone had found on the street…Steve was like Eddie, eating all kinds of stuff (spaghetti, and fucking edamame). He eventually got hit by a car, probably because he was too dopey to get out of the way.

    The other cat is the best, though. He’s howling at me as I type this. I will give him food, he will take two bites of it, and then look at me like I’m an asshole.

    Anyway, great piece, David.

    • Our cats are indoor cats because Asia is basically a walking buffet and they wouldn’t last long on the street. If someone didn’t pick her up and eat her first, Eddie would almost certainly wander in front of a car.

      When our cats are hungry sometimes they howl, but they know that they’re not meant to do that. If they try, we starve them. Dinnertime is always a warzone here. They try everything they can to get dinner sooner. After they take that first bite, though, all is forgotten.

    • Ashley Menchaca (NOL) says:

      “I will give him food, he will take two bites of it, and then look at me like I’m an asshole.”

      Hahahahhahahahahaa!

  4. Okay, I know you’ve tried to warn me against it, but I love Eddie. Maybe because in the end Eddie is yours, and I can adore her comic degeneracy from afar …

    • Heck, even if you met her you’d love her. She is adorable and that’s precisely why she’s so evil. No one can resist her cute little kitty face. Even I fall for it now and again – although usually when she’s asleep. When she’s asleep she’s an angel, even though I know her kitty dreams are basically just time for her to plot her next move.

  5. “Why paint?!” I screamed. “Paint isn’t even delicious!”

    That line almost made me snort out of my nose and wake up my roommate. Hahahaha…

    I’m with Cynthia. I love Eddie too. What a cat!

    You always inspire me. Makes me want to write about the time I tried to steal back my cat. It’s a crazy story. Nearly got the living snot beat out of me. Yes, I have to write it. Yessss. You are awesome, David.

    Damn it if I’m not allergic to cats though.

  6. angela says:

    awww, Eddie’s so cute in the pictures!

    jeez, her tearing out the hamsters’ livers is pretty gruesome. did she have them with some fava beans?

  7. Ashley Menchaca (NOL) says:

    I LOVE this story!!
    I also love Eddie.

    I have 5 cats. Yes, 5. (It’s a good thing I’m fairly young with a little family because if not, I would be the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood.) I have one that looks a lot like Eddie but only recently started acting out. I also have a black cat named Lucky that put my next door neighbor, who is also my landlord, in the hospital for two days! A week ago, he bit my mom and she also ended up in the same situation. Apparently, he’ll lash out with teeth at unsuspecting women. Who knew?! I mention him because he was rescued from under the hood of a car, too. I have a white, cross-eyed siamese named Mr. Claiborne that prances when you call him Big Sexy. I also have a huge tabby named Spooky (we call him Dooka) that thinks he’s a dog. Really. He believes he is a dog. I guess it’s not as strange as my 80lb dog that thinks she is one of the cats.

    Anyway, funny, funny story! It will keep me giggling all day.

    • Hold on a minute… “that prances when you call him Big Sexy.”? Now that’s something I have to see. Priceless. Also, a cat that thinks he’s a dog? How so? Can he bark? Does he fetch things? That would be cool.

      I’m glad you have so many cats. I’d probably have that many if it weren’t for Eddie’s less than sociable nature. Also, the cost of shipping two cats from Korea to China was bad enough. Five would see us all begging for scraps.

      I have a lot of respect for crazy cat ladies. People suck. Cats – Eddie aside – are way better.

      • Ashley Menchaca (NOL) says:

        Mr. Claiborne definitely prances…He hears ‘Big Sexy’ and he slows down his pace, lifts his head and butt a little higher, and raises his front paws a little higher with every slow step. Even my neighbors notice the difference when I call him in some nights. I look like a crazy person in the nights walking in pj’s, socks, and a robe screaming ‘Big Sexy’ into the air. He does it on purpose, I’m sure.

        Dooka acts like a dog. He runs to you when you call him like a big goofy dog does. He sits next to you the way a dog would. He likes for you to pet his head like a dog instead of scratch him the way a cat would prefer. He doesn’t play fetch but he refuses to play with the tiny furry mice that all the other cats can’t resist. He prefers to chase a ball. Little things like that.

        Cats ARE better than people!

        • That’s a fantastic image – you wandering about crying “Big Sexy!” Your neighbours must love you.

          What a pair of cats. I love the attitude some cats have. So much personality compared to other animals.

  8. Jude says:

    I concede. We thought Lola was the worst cat in the world – but now reading your post about Eddie, Lola is pure goodness.

    Paint! For goodness sake – she was lucky to have survived. And a Korean coin…! Maybe that’s what they mean about cats having nine lives. She just doesn’t know how lucky she is.

    Perhaps you could start threatening her with putting her out on the street – she might appreciate you a little more if she knew that she was going to end up on someone’s plate!

    • Oh Eddie is tearing through her nine lives. Seriously. She’s down to her last one, I think. Berry will live until she’s 20 yrs old. She’s a tough fatty cat, very tenacious. Eddie, sadly, will not. She is too stupid and eats too many inedible objects.

      If I could reason with her I would threaten to put her back on the streets. The cats here, though, are in better shape than in Korea. People take care of the street animals. They’re big and fat and playful, which is inspiring.

      We actually still have the coin she ate. Amy brought it from Korea – the vet made us take it home to remind us to take care of our cat! Jerk. Anyway, it was in her stomach so long that the colour came off it and it eroded to half its thickness.

  9. Jude says:

    Forgot to say – that top photo is truly adorable.

    • That is Eddie when she’s half-scared. She has a nest (yes, she nests) on top of a cupboard and I took photos of her when she was hiding there. I love that her ears go down like Yoda when scared.

  10. Jude says:

    Half-scared is better than ferocious. Our cat Lola goes cross-eyed before she attacks. She has at times bailed me up and only gives up when I threaten to throw a pillow at her. What is it about these cats?
    You take them in, put up with their fussy feeding habits, provide them warmth and comfort and all they want to do is try to kill you!

    • Both my cats can be ferocious. I’d love it if they were cross-eyed first, though. That’s amazing! There was a cartoon on The Oatmeal about kitty tummy rubs. They talked about how you have to look into a cat’s eyes before a tummy rub to know whether they actually want it… or whether they’re filled with a murderous rage and are luring your hands into danger!

      Seriously, though, I have NEVER come across a cat that’s fussy with food. My cats eat anything. They eat out of the trash, out of the sink, anything.

  11. Judy Prince says:

    Egad, David. You’re a saint—-or else demented.

    I wouldn’t have a cat if it were solid gold, despite how infuriatingly cute they are.

    They’re good at mousing, though.

    • Eddie would make a good mouser, but Berry wouldn’t. She doesn’t have the heart to kill. She would curl up with the mouse and take care of it.

      I never really thought I’d end up being a cat person. Everyone in my family hates them. But now I just couldn’t see myself without one.

      • Judy Prince says:

        Well, I don’t blame you for your being a cat person, David. Most folks I know are cat persons, and I rather like their cats. Once had a cat who always looked like a cute kitten, named Shmert. My son used to hold her up full-length and then twist her so that her rear was facing one way, her upper body the opposite way. It looked weird, but she seemed to enjoy it!

        • It’s fun manipulating cats like that. When my cats are being noisy (ie when they want fed) we pick them up and shake them. It’s called cat-gunning. Instead of going “meow!” it comes out “me-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-wowowowowow!” Very amusing. But they just love the attention, of course.

          Cats that always look like kittens are very cute. That’s basically Eddie. We still call her the baby even though she’s no longer technically a kitten. She just looks young, is runted to be small, and never grew more intelligent than a brick.

        • Judy Prince says:

          “Cat-gunning”——HA!

          Considering the horror that Eddie endured with the old Korean guy who was tryna cook her in his car’s engine—–it’s no wonder she’s as brainless as a brick.

        • Yes, and she will frequently run head first into walls and doors and chairs and such. It’s surprising she has enough brain left undamaged that she can even get up to mischief.

          I have videos of cat-gunning. In fact, I have dozens of hours of videos of what problem amounts to animal abuse. I wanted to post a couple here but I thought that out of context it might result in me being assassinated by PETA or something.

        • Judy Prince says:

          I’d like to see a video of cat-gunning, David.

          You mention PETA—–and it’s national headquarters is here in Norfolk, Va, incredibly! A friend here tells me about seeing a PETA woman roaming his neighbourhood. She befriended an elderly woman who has a houseful of pet cats, simply so that she could report the woman to animal control or something—–which had the cats removed and fined the woman! She also told my friend that a cat is better off dead than in such a circumstance. But that elderly woman really loved her cats and took excellent care of them.

          Did you ever see “All Creatures Great and Small”? In I think series 2, it had a cat named Boris that was a real piece of work—–the veterinarians were super wary of him; he was a terror.

          Dear Rodent’s loved by cats. One strange cat took one look at Rodent as he was ready to start his car and drive off, and it tried to jump in the passenger side window. Rodent rolled up the window, then the cat leapt onto the windscreen and clung to it somehow. Rodent finally had to pry it off his windscreen, carry it a few yards away, then quickly get back in the car and drive off. Weird.

        • Does Rodent happen to smell like tuna? I imagine that if I smelled like tuna cats would probably throw themselves at me, too, but other than that I can’t imagine why they’d love him so much. Maybe he was a cat in a former life? Maybe a cat god?

          It’s a shame that people who take care of their pets can be punished. I suppose I understand the concern of the PETA lady. After all, it’s generally not good to have so many animals… but if you care for them sincerely and make sure they’re fed and whatnot, then it’s just cruel to have them taken away.

          Speaking of vets being afraid of cats, our Korean vets (some of whom were actually vaguely competent) hated Eddie. One time she needed to get a shot and it took FOUR of them to hold her down. It’s ridiculous. She’s tiny and you have FOUR giant human beings pinning her down. Which, of course, makes her more fearful and causes her to struggle more. In the end, there’s a lot of human blood shed and Eddie always gets away.

        • Judy Prince says:

          HA! Rodent loathes tuna and all fish and seafood, David. I really wish he *would* like them.

          He likes cats, but much more likes dogs, especially Labradors, which he grew up with. He says they’re the gentlest of all breeds with kids—-and also the laziest.

          Eddie’s a little bundle of haywired cat’ness! Four vets to hold her down! And she managed to escape. HA! Looks like you’ll have to get a second job in order to afford getting her fixed up, as well as your place of habitation that she regularly destroys.

        • Labradors are definitely my type of dog, too. As Rodent says: very lazy and very gentle.

          Eddie is always funny after the vets finally get her sedated. She is so crazy that the drugs wear off quickly and she tries to run around, but instead falls over repeatedly. I suppose all cats do it to an extent, but it’s funnier with Ed.

          So far she’s done minimal damage in China. She raids the trash pretty regularly but the house has remained structurally in tact (in spite of last week’s earthquake, also) and free from paint assaults.

        • Although she did manage to rip a huge chunk out of my thigh a fortnight ago when she was playing a game with Berry. There was a lot of blood, but she still has a couple of gallons before she reaches her Korea total.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Egad, David, you’ve the patience of a saint!

          Hey, I managed somehow to miss hearing about the recent earthquake in China! Did you get it in Heifei? What happened?

        • It was only about 4.9m, which isn’t a particularly big one. It’s noticeable, though. A lot of people were left homeless in nearby areas. The newspapers are saying that another is expected soon that will be around 7.0, which is terrifying… except that I don’t trust the newspapers for a minute.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Good point, David, about not trusting the newspapers. However, it’s often noted that Chinese earthquake-detecting systems (apparently including small animals and insects) are noteworthy.

        • Noted.

          Urgh, I just Googled “Hefei earthquake” and realised for the first time just how frequent they are here and how unprepared this place is to cope with them.

        • Judy Prince says:

          That is a bit chilling, David.

          Two thoughts come to mind: 1) Several months ago, a TNB writer had an article about earthquake forecasting, psychically. She has a blog on which she forecasts worldwide seismic activity. Perhaps you could type relevant words into the subject box atop the main page to find her article. 2) Cats are thought to be especially aware of coming earthquakes.

          On that second point, when living in Chicago, I remember that my cat leapt off the ground and ran from the bedroom a few seconds before I felt what I knew to be an earthquake. It was a very gentle, pleasant “rolling” beneath me, lasting no more than a few seconds. It’s quite an inimitable feeling, so you’d notice it immediately but not necessarily be fearful or shaken by it. I’d had the same sensation in L.A. several years before. Chicago’s near enough to the New Madrid Fault in Missouri to be affected by its minor and major quakes. New Madrid was the site of USA’s historically strongest earthquake, in the mid 1800’s I believe, stronger than the better-known San Francisco quake in the early 1900’s. SF’s quake is better known because it caused much devastation in a highly populated area, whereas Missouri’s New Madrid site had a small population at the time.

        • Judy Prince says:

          David, Cal Orey is the name of the woman who wrote two TNB articles on earthquake prediction. You’ll find the information and details fascinating, I think.

        • Thanks, Judy. I’ll look her up.

        • I’ll start watching my cats a bit more carefully, but honestly they’re so damn weird it might be impossible to use them for this purpose. Sometimes I think they’ve seen a ghost when they spook out and act crazy, but they’re just chasing shadows and bits of dust. Maybe I need more reliable kitties for earthquake prediction.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Well, you’re right about your cats, especially Eddie, being so weird you couldn’t know whether they were reacting to an imminent quake or to a flying gnat.

          On the other hand, I do remember my cats more frequently jumping up and swirling around in the air, which seemed like crazy behaviour but it’s said they can see insects we can’t, and they’re trying to catch them. However, I don’t remember the cats jumping up suddenly from lying on the ground and running from the room, such as my cat did in Chicago so soon before the quake.

          Best to know as much as you can gather about an earthquake in your region, though, it seems.

  12. Simon Smithson says:

    “Why paint?!” I screamed. “Paint isn’t even delicious!”

    Ha ha ha ha… there’s nothing like that moment when you’re demanding answers from an animal, especially a cat, because they just did something that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Long life and happiness to Eddie, Berry, and all cats everywhere.

    Why a penny? What goes through your head?

    • Sometimes I’m legitimately asking her questions about why she’s done something, but more frequently I’ll just hold debates with her about serious issues. Because she’s so dumb – even by cat standards – it’s fun to ask her questions about science and morality and to wait and see how she meows, because she has two very distinct sounds she makes – one sounds just like “yeah!” and the other, naturally, like “noooooo!”

      As for the penny… I’ve run that through my head many a time and I imagine that it goes a little something like this:

      “Hey, look, a penny! Yay! Something I can play with!”

      Commence playing.

      “Oh wow, this is fun!”

      Play faster.

      “I wonder if I can bat it around the room and chase it!”

      Play faster and faster as penny flips into walls and boxes.

      “I can flip it off the ground!”

      Penny flips off the ground.

      “I can catch it in my mouth… Oh, shit.”

      *

      Or, perhaps, as I mentioned in the story, it went more like this:

      “Hey, David has a spare $1000. Maybe I could incur that much in veterinary bills by consuming a penny!”

  13. Zara Potts says:

    Awwww. Eddie is seriously cute.
    I love how much you love her, Dear Leader David, and this story is just great!
    I’m about to embark on a two day road trip with my seriously shitty cat and I’m not looking forward to it at all. She’s going to be yowling for ten hours straight and I just know when I finally let her out of her cage she’s going to go for my carotid artery…
    Lovely piece!

    • Cats take travelling hard, being very territorial animals. When Berry was moved from Korea to China she howled for days and wouldn’t eat. It was scary. Eddie – being an idiot – didn’t seem to notice that anything had happened. She had kids playing with her at the airport, though, which she enjoyed.

      Wear a scarf – it keeps your jugular hidden.

  14. Irene Zion says:

    David,
    You are even nicer a man than I previously thought, and I previously thought you were really nice.

  15. Great first line. Convinced me to continue reading a post about cats, which is something I normally would not be inclined to do. The cooking in a jeep engine is an indelible image.

    But are sure you’re not actually living with Jennifer Jason Leigh?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LclFf6HrDkI

  16. Joe Daly says:

    David-

    The pictures really enhance the story. That being said, story well told. Love the paint story. Ugh… I never realized cats were so piggish. I expect that in dogs, but cats?

    I’m cursed as an animal lover who is allergic to cats. In order for me to watch a movie with my girlfriend last night, I had to guzzle allergy medicine before driving over, simply to endure the affections of her cat, who either knows I love animals and is thusly drawn to me; or who knows that I’m allergic to cats and who thusly delights in taunting my reactive DNA. Either way, cats make me look like Homer Simpson and talk like Shannon Sharpe (apologies for the NFL reference).

    Thx for the evening chuckles.

    • Thanks. I have billions of photos of my cats. Every time they do something vaguely cute, I take a photo. It’s weird, I know. I have so many photos that I look at and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Like it’s unusual for a cat to curl up and sleep…

      I’m also wildly allergic. The thing is, with allergies you can develop a sort of tolerance by facing them… if that doesn’t kill you, I suppose. Every time I’m away from them I get sneezy when I’m back. The sneeziness lasts for weeks, but after that I don’t really need medicine.

      • Oh, and I’m not sure how much paint, if any, she ate. I think she just wanted to flip the cups about to piss me off. Of course, she’s retarded enough that she might have tasted it… Fortunately it was non-toxic.

  17. Eddie says:

    You heartless bastard!

  18. Matt says:

    Goddamn cats.

    Something about being trapped under the hood seriously messes them up. My ex and I had a cat named Earl that had been rescued as a kitten from living behind her motor, and he came out of the experience just…wrong. He didn’t eat random shit like Eddie, but damned if he wasn’t seriously bipolar (way worse than a regular cat). And so damned loud. The phrase “Shut the fuck up, Earl” left my mouth on a regular basis.

    I hope, one day, Eddie realizes that you saved his life.

    • Thing is, Eddie knows Amy saved her life, just like Berry knows I saved her. It’s like we have a cat each, even though they’re both our cats.

      Loudness is a quality I just cannot tolerate in people or animals. I understand it, I suppose, but I loathe it. Eddie is admittedly better than she used to be, and really she’s only annoying when she’s happy. Monkey – the third cat – was really loud. I saved her from a pile of shit (literally) because she was howling. She was smaller than Eddie and knocking on death’s door. Her voice saved her and she never got over it. Partly I think she was calling for the family she lost and partly just to make sure people were still around her. I think cats get abandonment issues very easily.

      Poor Earl. Sounds very similar to Eds. I bet if they met they’d instantly become worst enemies.

  19. Becky Palapala says:

    Oh, cats.

    I’m a dog person. The official line is that I loathe cats. The philosophy being that if I’m going to shell out my dough and affections and worry towards the well-being of an animal, they must either be (at least potentially) useful or show me nothing but unconditional love and adoration at all times.

    Dogs have both going for them, cats have neither.

    That said, I have had a cat. She was never officially named. She was just “The Cat.” I’d brought her home from horse camp, where she was one among a bastard litter of barn cats with some kind of eye infection. For some reason, I liked her.

    For my valiant attempt to save a helpless creature from disease and squalor, I got the meanest diva of a cat that ever was. Eventually people started calling her “Miss Kitty,” but less in the genteel Southern way and more in the dominatrix kind of way. I didn’t have the heart to declaw her, so she delighted in sitting atop the refrigerator and/or television and scalping people as they walked by underneath her.

    I once came downstairs to find that she had cornered one of my cousin’s little friends on the back of the couch. He was 10 years old, she weighed maybe 5 or 6 lbs. And she was on the seat of the couch, hissing and growling, with him up on the back of the couch, against the wall, crying and calling for help.

    I did love that cat, in a way. I mean, we weren’t entirely different, she and I. But ultimately, there was only room for one of us. While I absolutely mourned her passing, my resolve to never again own a cat was solidified.

    • Holy shit. Now that’s a bad cat. Reminds me of the kitty that appeared on an early episode of Family Guy. I’ve never actually seen one like that, but damn they sound scary. Any cat that can kick a person’s butt is terrifying.

      For the record, I’m totally against declawing, in spite of having lost gallons (well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration) of blood to both my kitties. In fact, I have a scar running the entire length of my left thigh because of cat claws. In Europe I believe it’s actually illegal as a form of animal abuse. Even Korean vets won’t do it.

      Dogs are cool. I grew up in an anti-animal household and so I was in university before I really became acquainted with either. Dogs scared me, though. The old phrase “There are no bad dogs, just bad owners,” is absolutely true, but I didn’t know that then and I was afraid of these supposedly bad dogs that would bite people. Then I moved to America and lived in a barn for a couple of months with two amazing dogs and ever since then I’ve been changed. I like dogs, I’ve just never had enough room for one.

      • Becky Palapala says:

        Ha. Our first dog, the one we had when I was growing up–when I was very young, like, a baby and toddler and into elementary school–was a Pekingese named Oscar, after Sesame Street’s Oscar the Grouch.

        Initially, he got the name just for looking like him, but his personality turned out to match. He was so ugly and so grumpy. He was a biter. He was this tiny dog who hated being picked up and would bite if you tried. The irony was that when I was a baby and toddler, he was super gentle and tolerant of my poking, pushing, squeezing, and hair/tail pulling and never bit me (I was the only one immune), but as soon as I got bigger and able to defend myself, he turned on me, too. We always surmised it was because Pekingese were bred for royal pets in China and he therefore had a superiority complex.

        Maybe because of that early example, I’ve never been intimidated by any animal, dogs, cats, snakes, cows, horses…nothing.

        So are you also afraid of/intimidated by horses? I didn’t even know it was possible for people to be afraid of horses until I started riding and found out I had friends that wouldn’t come to the barn with me because they were sure they’d be trampled, kicked, and bitten to death. I am determined that my kids will have lots of exposure to animals so this will never happen to them.

        • It’s weird he came to resemble Oscar the Grouch in character, too. We initially named Eddie for that hyena in the Lion King. It was the dumb hyena but we named her that because of their similar appearance. It wasn’t long, though, before she started a bit slow.

          Yup, I’m a little intimidated by horses. Generally I’m good with animals, but dogs used to spook me and horses still kind of do. I went on couple of horse rides as a kid and had no problems, but it was when I became an adult and they were still bigger than me that I felt a bit afraid. I lived among them in America for a long time and I was ok, but I always felt a bit weird when one came close. I kept expecting to get kicked or bit, which I suppose is just ridiculous. Anyway, they’re gorgeous creatures and I have a lot of respect for them… as long as they stay a couple steps away from me.

  20. Cal Orey says:

    Did someone page Cal Orey? Yes, cats are cool creatures. Kerouac, 12, is my seismically sensitive feline and has an impressive record of accuracy. Recently, both the sierra and SF Bay Area has been rocking and rolling. And yep, kitty gave me a head’s up with his behavior: trying to flee outdoors, not eating, overeating, vocalizing, and being a Velcro Cat.

  21. Virginia says:

    Okay, I have to admit — I like Eddie, too. A character-iffic cat if there ever was one!

    I was once the proud cat-slave of a puny little Tuxedo cat I fondly named Frankenstein. His facial markings did indeed produce the image of Frankenstein to all who gazed upon him.

    Frankie, as he came to be known, was never really “quite right”. One morning, as I was sipping my coffee on the balcony of my third-floor apartment, Frankie decided to practice his less-than-stellar high-wire act on the balustrade. Evidently, Frankie believed he defied the force of gravity.

    As you can imagine, gravity won. Frankie plummeted 30 feet to the grass below. I heard a “thud” followed by a piercing kitty-scream worthy of an Oscar. I flew down the steps to retrieve him and was greeted by a kitty-look that could wither the stoutest of hearts. I do believe he blamed me for his unfortunate landing — in dog poop.

    You gotta love a crazy cat.

    • Wow. Dog poop? Now that’s an interesting end to a high-wire performance. How many circuses include that sort of incentive for their stars?

      My cats are not allowed outdoors. Eddie is too dumb, Berry is too nice, and Korea and China are both full of hungry people who would turn them into soup.

      Their balance certainly isn’t great, either. Berry is getting fat and when she jumps on things it often ends with her misjudging the distance and the thing – be it a box or a table – will fall over on top of her. Eddie will be sitting on the sofa… and will fall off. She ain’t quite right. The funniest is when she tries to pounce on Berry and misjudges and headbutts a table leg or something. Idiot cat.

  22. Sara Habein says:

    BUT! The evil makes Eddie so lovable.

    Sorry, I was smitten the moment you opened the post with an evil peeking, Judging-Cat-is-Judging photo.

  23. Erika Rae says:

    Eddie pulled 2 hamsters out THROUGH THE BARS??? Holy. Fuck. Nope, I’m not conned for a second by those adorable eyes in that first pic. I’ve been attacked by a cat such as Eddie. Multiple times. His name was Lincoln, which I believe means “the devil” in French. I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, having just made the trade-off with our friends for whom we were catsitting for the weekend. Lincoln, who was a sleek, black cat (black like his soul) jumped onto the center console without warning, let out a mighty “rrrrr-OW” and jumped my exposed, yet motionless, arm. I don’t know what I did to deserve that – but before he went all Philly on me, I had actually entertained the notion that we might be friends. After that, I actually slept with my covers up to my ears for fear that he might try to slit my jugular in my sleep. He did not to my knowledge ever make that attempt while I was asleep. He did, however, make several more attempts on my life while fully awake. He’d be all purring and whirring away and then – WHAM. Bastard. Good luck with Eddie.

    • Wow. Lincoln actually sounds worse than Eddie. Eddie only gets violent (with people) when she’s defensive – ie after she’s done something she knows she’ll get in trouble for. I’d hate to be around one of those Lincoln-type cats. Gah! Evil kitties.

      Yup, pulled them hamsters right through the bars. That’s something you just don’t want to have to clean up. I threw out the cage and never replaced the poor doomed beasts. It was cute that she left Amy the livers as a present… well… cute in a decidedly Eddie way.

  24. well done, david!
    what a great reaction! who woulda thought kitties are so popular…harrrr.
    great post!

    • There’s a moment in that movie “Funny People” when an aspiring comedian makes a YouTube video to promote himself. He just tags it “cute kitty” because that’s what most people share on the internet (except porn, obviously).

  25. amy says:

    i do believe that she tried to eat the paint, because it was all over her mouth. much in the manner that the curry she licks out of the dishes during the night stains her face and feet and tail yellow for a month.
    barry says thanks for lifting her up to take that first picture. she also says to make sure you credit her photography without misspelling her name. also, that she wishes box-ed was posted too.

    • Eddie says:

      Actually, I was attempting to camouflage myself to help evade capture after my many misdeeds. I’d read in a science journal that curry is also very good for kitty fur. It keeps my cute little exterior shiny and fluffy.

  26. amy says:

    i do believe that she tried to eat the paint, because it was all over her mouth. much in the manner that the curry she licks out of the dishes during the night stains her face and feet and tail yellow for a month.
    barry says thanks for lifting her up to take that first picture. she also says to make sure you credit her photography without misspelling her name. she wishes box-ed was posted too.

    • Near the end of last year I lost most of my phone pics from Korea, and all the ones I’d stolen from your computer, so I was a bit limited in choice for my Eddie photos. I realise now that I could’ve gotten the one of Ed in a jar from Facebook, but that’s liable to have me put on animal rights hitlists.

      I suppose she probably was trying to eat the paint. I gave her too much credit and thought that she was just playing with it, but I guess she is that dumb.

  27. Tawni Freeland says:

    “I think for a minute or two that she is my bitch, but then it’s time to clean the litter box as she waits for me to finish so that she can lay a fresh poop.”

    Hahahaha. Why do they all do that? I’ve had kitties my whole life, and they always do that. They act innocent, like it’s pure coincidence that they need to use the litter box, suddenly, every time you’ve just cleaned it. But we know it is a completely premeditated mindfuck, don’t we? (:

    I can’t believe Eddie ate a coin. That sounds like something a food-crazy Labrador retriever dog might do, but not a cat. Oh, Eddie.

    It sucks that you had to give Monkey away. She looks so cute.

    This was such a fun read, David. Is it weird that it kind of made me want to have a cat again?

    • Poop is very important to kitties. They look so forlorn when you take it away, even though they go to such lengths to hide it.

      I believe that the coin thing was as premeditated as the poop thing. Eddie was trying to get at me in the most devious way – through my wallet.

      Monkey was a special little cat. I really loved her, even though I only had her a few months. She was quite ugly, but in a very cute way.

  28. Jacqui says:

    You are so lucky to have a ‘normal’ cat like Eddie. I live with the feline Antichrist! When I met my husband I had three cats and he had three cats – yes, that’s 6 cats. (I don’t really like cats…) Within a year of us buying a home together two of the cats died (old age) and one of his cats left home to live with an old lady two doors down (how awful do you have to be that your cat lives home???) So, recount – three cats… This would be find except for Rex is one of the remaining residents. Dear God, I hate this cat!!! We live in a wonderful century-old home with 5″ baseboards and beautiful moldings – Rex sprays on everything! Demonic! Yes, he is fixed and the ‘piss’ has very little odor – but he pees on everything!!! The mircrowave, the stove, the toaster (I haven’t eaten toast in 5 years) the front door, the back door, my computer, the TV and the remote, my clothes, my shoes….actually there isn’t much he hasn’t peed on. But does he stop there??? No, Rex is a yellow tabby – we have yellowish hardwood throughout the house – including the stairs. Rex lays in wait on the staircase and when I start to go downstairs Rex reaches out to trip me – in 5 years I have sprained my ankle three times, chipped a tooth and have had endless near-deaths. Wait, there’s more – Rex is no longer allowed in the bedroom because he gets between me and my husband and stretches out with his claws against my back while I sleep. I live in fear he may out-live me…

    • Wow, Eddie actually seems like an angel compared to Rex. I can’t imagine a cat willfully trying to kill its owner by tripping her on the stairs… Where will he get his kibble from when you’re dead? Stupid cat. I think that’s the only reason Ed still hasn’t killed me. She hates me but she needs me.

      Luckily my cats are girls and I’ve never had a problem with spraying. I couldn’t stand it. I watch the boy cats spray outside and it makes me sick.

  29. […] howled, of course. She howled and bawled the house down for a long, long time. Her evil sister, Eddie, just sat looking confused. She was only a few days old when she was tossed out on the street and […]

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