This one’s for all the sexy people out there, walking through parks, eating dinner al fresco outside of Whole Foods, drinking coffee at the fancy pants café.Spring is in the air and I don’t know if you noticed but that guy sitting behind you pretending to read the Onion is checking you out where your top misses your waistline by 1.2 inches. That’s right, lean forward just a little bit. Cue the Barry White and lick that foam off your lips.

You missed a spot.

Slower.

Like I said, spring is in the air and you people are sexy.I was in Target the other day, and there was a lady in front of me with a denim mini skirt and a jewel appliquéd halter top. She wore gold bangles on her tan arms and bright pink lipstick on her ample lips.She was leaning over, checking out the plastic Easter eggs on the bottom rack. Comparing prices because she knows that economy is sexy. She was so sexy, in fact, she wasn’t even wearing underwear.Kind of like she walked out the door, got in her car and went, “Oops! Look how sexy I am. I forgot my underwear. Never even noticed they were gone.” It didn’t even matter that she was pushing 78 and dragging along an oxygen tank. Breathing is sexy, too. Oh, yeah.

In my sister’s neighborhood there’s a couple that takes frequent walks together. They’re old, too. They have matching white hair and wear matching outfits. Now that it’s spring, she sees them rounding the block almost daily wearing twin green jogging suits. Blue. Even pink. Matching is sexy. Sometimes they hold hands and nod at her as they pass by. They’re sweet. Sweet as can be. They’ve had a lifetime of being sexy together and they’re not stopping anytime soon.

But there are lots of young people out there just walking around being sexy, too.There’s one now – over by the bus stop. He’s leaning a shoulder on the wind block and is fiddling with his iPod. He’s got hair so long over his eyes, he can barely see, he’s so sexy. I can’t be sure, but I think we just made eye contact. Nothing too flirty, you understand – just an acknowledgement of each other being sexy.

And just look at all you sexy people out there reading this.Especially those of you with your windows open. It’s warm outside and you’re feeling it, aren’t you? Feeling like shedding some layers and jumping on a plane to Cozumel where you can be sexy in Spanish. Because everyone knows Spanish is sexy.Just look at Shakira. She’s got those honest hips and free flowing hair. Mm-mm. Sexy.

Sexy in springtime.

Except where it’s not. Some of you – from way down south – are watching fall rolling in and thinking, oh man – not yet. I’m not done being sexy. I just got in my groove. I’m not ready for turtlenecks and jumpers yet. Jumpers are a sexy word for sweaters. But don’t fret. Jumpers can be sexy, too. Especially with a V-neck and maybe a pleasant scarf. And anyway, we northern hemisphere folks are about to go crazy on the sexy, so don’t worry. We’ll carry you through the winter. There’s plenty of sexy to go around.

Spring is in the air, and it’s time to be sexy.

That’s right. Check your lips. You got a little more foam there.

TAGS: , , , , , , , , , ,

ERIKA RAE is the author of Devangelical, a humor memoir about growing up Evangelical (Emergency Press, December, 2012). She is editor-in-chief at Scree Magazine and nonfiction editor at The Nervous Breakdown. Erika earned her MA in Lit­er­a­ture and Lin­guis­tics from the Uni­ver­sity of Hong Kong and to this day can ask where the bath­room is in Can­tonese, although it is likely that she will not under­stand the answer. In her dream world, she fan­cies her­self a kung fu mas­ter clev­erly dis­guised as a gen­tle moun­tain dweller, eagerly antic­i­pat­ing dan­ger at the bot­tom of every latte. When she is not whipping one of her 3 children and denying them bread with their broth, she runs an ISP with her husband from their home in the Colorado Rockies.

267 responses to “To All You Sexy People”

  1. Zara Potts says:

    Do you know how excited I am to be in your tags?? You have just made my day so incredibly sexy.
    And given that we are rolling into Autumn down this end of the world, that is a gift!
    I love this.. You sexy thang…

  2. Lorna says:

    Hey! I just returned from Cozumel and being sexy. Loved this! The sexy lady in Target with the missing under garments had me spitting up my sexy latte. 🙂

    • Erika Rae says:

      There’s no greater place to be sexy than in Cozumel. Spitting is sexy, too. You’ve even got a sexy light saber. I concede. You’ve trumped me in sexy.

  3. reno says:

    oh, this was fun. spring IS in the air. girls wearing NO underwear. this boy loves shit like that. good god. bring it! in honor of looking your best (even if ur best is not much…errr) i’m gonna run four miles instead of three. that’s right. be trim! get tanned! shake a tower! run into spring butt-naked! look for denim skirts!

    cheers,
    reno

  4. Irene Zion says:

    Erika Rae,

    They’re are some really sexy ladies at the Elks Club, but you can’t trust them for a minute!

  5. This was very sexy. I bet it looks great in teal!

    Cue the Barry, yo.

    Or the Stones:

    “I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes!”

    I’m too sexy for this comme–

  6. Erika Rae says:

    I’m in the kitchen right now. Making garlic chicken and being sexy.

    • I’m sitting here in my jammies laughing my ass off and taking a break from a deadline feeling inordinately sexy and wondering why I don’t just go for a walk so the WHOLE FABULOUS WORLD can acknowledge my sexcritude. Ah….

  7. Becky says:

    You wouldn’t believe the sexy people on campus.

    When it got up to 75 for a day, some people got so sexy they couldn’t stop, and now they’re heating up 58 degrees in shorts and flip flops.

  8. Erika Rae says:

    Kids on the high school campus here in Boulder were so sexy last week they were wearing bikinis over lunch break in the school yard.

    • Becky says:

      That is awfully sexy…wait…can I say that without being arrested? Or a lesbian?

      The sexiest I have been so far this year was driving down I-94 with my truck windows open, listening to CCR.

      Or maybe when I wore open-toed heels with my Levis to the bar’s outdoor patio on a school night.

      Both sound way more Daisy Duke-sexy than I actually am.

  9. Joe Daly says:

    This is just what the doctor ordered. I just got in from hot yoga, and I got home, pulled a piece of cold pizza from the fridge, and sat down and read your piece. As my dogs crept up on me, breathing their dog breath at my food, and the grease from the pizza mixed with the drying sweat on my brow, I put the pizza down, wiped my nose, and thought, “Sweet freaking Jesus, she’s absolutely right- I’ve never been sexier.”

    Thanks for bringing sexy back on a Monday.

  10. Erika Rae says:

    HA – If only I could give grades for comments.

    (That’d be a VERY sexy A+)

  11. Erika Rae says:

    I’ve just done the dishes as sexily as possible.

  12. Anon says:

    My apologies for not replying sooner. I was so damned sexy I needed both hands for a while. As a matter of fact, I’m not even using them to type right now, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. WOOF!

    There is a slight possibility that the sexy-no-panties-granny was just suffering from Alzheimer’s and simply forgot to put them on but let me not be a downer.

    Now… tell me… are your hands all soapy and foamy…?

  13. Simon Smithson says:

    My favourite new stupid phrase is ‘Cook you up some sexy’.

    And Erika Rae, this was a four-course meal.

    Clearly, the dessert will be Death by Hot Chocolate:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-GkwIRbLw8

  14. kristen says:

    “It didn’t even matter that she was pushing 78 and dragging along an oxygen tank. Breathing is sexy, too. Oh, yeah.”

    Yes!

  15. Erika Rae says:

    No longer soapy, I’m afraid. I am now curled up on the couch with a VERY sexy pair of large fleece pants. Very large, very sexy.

    No panties granny with the O2 tank just wants you to *think* she forgot her panties. She’s that sexy.

    My Filipina aunt beats her for sexy, though. She is 90 now and is so sexy she wears a different pair of high heels everywhere she goes, multiple bangles on BOTH arms and has toned (yes, toned) legs under her miniskirts. Plus she has the accent thing working for her. She is so sexy it hu-urts.

    I saw a sexy fox on the way home today. Literally. It was sitting out there by the side of the road with a big ol’ bushy tail, just striking a sexy pose in the sunlight. What a tail, too.

  16. Matt says:

    Man, that just got me all hot and bothered.

  17. Uche Ogbuji says:

    Ma Denim sounds like typical Boulder old age pensioner f’sho.

    • Erika Rae says:

      She may be a Boulder old age pensioner, but there is nothing “typical” about Ma Denim. If she were an M&M color, she’d be purple. If she were an ice cream flavor, she’d be lychee meatball. If she were a dance style, she’d be a Pow wow gourd dance. She’s just that sexy, Uche.

  18. Marni Grossman says:

    So you’re saying it’s time to ditch the oversized sweatshirts then?

    • Erika Rae says:

      I’m afraid it can’t be helped, Marni. I live at 9000 ft and woke up to 2 inches of fresh snow this morning. I thought, “Damn. How can I be sexy in this?” And then the sun came out and the oversized sweatshirt literally flew off. It’s a glorious morning filled with mountain sexy now.

  19. Erika:

    About that hot, full-lipped, pantieless 78-year-old woman you witnessed in Target: not only did she have some hella sexy breathing going on, but I bet when she bent over she flashed you some incredibly hot side-boob action as well.

    Oh yeah. Now we’re talking Spring sexy.

    Great, great post, my dear. The Ghost of Bruce Lee is doing major, ass-kicking roundhouses over this one.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Hot side-boob action galore, my friend. And don’t forget hot waddly-arm action, as well. The greeter at the front of the store was eyeing her like crazy, I tell you what.

  20. Simone says:

    Your post reminds me of this quote:

    “Any piece of clothing can be sexy, with a quietly passionate woman inside it.”
    – Author Unknown

    This post is that piece of clothing and you are the quietly passionate woman inside of it.

    Viva la sexy!

  21. Great post! It really makes me think – I’m too fucking busy these days. I haven’t even contemplated sexiness in about three weeks. I didn’t even realise it was spring until I saw the cherry blossoms explode at the weekend.

  22. Erika Rae says:

    Exploding cherry blossoms just *sounds* sexy.

  23. Everyone has the potential to be sexy to someone. And that’s the cool thang. Great post.

  24. Erika, you need to read this (record this and post). I think we all need to hear your sexy voice talking about what’s sexy.

    Cracked me up–thank you!

  25. I think we skipped over spring in Virginia and went straight to summer. It’s 91 degrees in Charlottesville today. My nuts don’t usually stick to my inner thighs until at least late April. It’s only April 6.

    The question remains, however, are Virginians still sexy since we bypassed the spring season?

    • Erika Rae says:

      I’m not exactly sure if sweaty nuts are sexy, but summer is way sexier than spring. This leads me to conclude that Virginians are ahead of Coloradans on the sexy.

  26. Yes! This post was way sexy. Thanks!

  27. Gloria says:

    Oh. My. God.

    i shouldn’t have read this at work. There is no way to justify sitting here laughing uncontrollably. My work just isn’t that funny. Holy shit, but your writing is.

    Thank you so much.

  28. Erika Rae says:

    @Heather – Backatcha!

    @Gloria – Laughing at your desk when you are supposed to be working is definitely sexy. So are pink light sabers. You’re feeling it!

  29. Anon says:

    My day has taken a turn for the un-sexy. First, my cafe has hired a veritable Adonis – tall, blonde, handsome fellow with a manly-sounding last name of “Hauser”. While I’m sure he is exquisite eye candy for females, the only thing he does for me is remind me that I need to make more time to work out in the evenings. And possibly the mornings. And mid-day. And sprout more hair. On my head, anyway.

    Next, I have now four hours of additional meetings ahead of me this afternoon. Though perhaps I should leave that comment in Richard’s Outrage piece. Outrage can be sexy but corporate meeting outrage… not-so-sexy.

    Perhaps Wednesday will be “sexy resurgence day”….

    • Erika Rae says:

      In order to succeed at sexy, one must not be distracted by the outer appearances of said Adonises. Outer appearance and meaty last names have nothing to do true sexy, my friend. Now. I hope you strutted into that marathon of meetings, found a seat and struck a pose. Do that and you own them on sexy.

      • Erika Rae says:

        that is…nothing to do with sexy…

        • Simon Smithson says:

          ‘Hauser’ is a meaty, manly-sounding last name, it’s true.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Meaty in a dog treat sort of way. Makes me think of a schnauzer.

        • Anon says:

          *snort* This is going to go to a bad place, considering I just thought “Hauser’s trouser schnauzer” and haven’t even touched my scotch yet.

          I didn’t strut – I half-stalked, half-sauntered. And I didn’t pose – I simply exuded presence, lounging in the far, dimly lit corner of the conference room. And throughout most of the meeting, I said nothing because I was too sexy to speak frivolously. But when I finally spoke (in a damned sexy throaty gravel) and told the CTO in no uncertain terms that he was the problem here, he took it, loved it and wanted more because the authority I radiated was so goddamned sexy.

          I will be the sexiest bitch on the unemployment line.

  30. can’t wait to see those sexy plank feet in denver this week! i’ll bring the oakland — we are HELLA sexy here! 🙂

  31. Tom Hansen says:

    Erika, I want some of what you’re on. I keep hearing about these chicks that think scars are sexy (I have lots) but I think it’s just a myth. I’ve never met any of them

  32. Angela Tung says:

    haha, erika, you’re hilarious!

    i am definitely not sexy here with my shawl and peppermint tea.

  33. I am so loving this! I say a sexy TNB calendar is in order (we’d have to do weeks of the year–or maybe even days of the year, there are so damn many of us!) Excited to see you in Denver and get our sexy on. AWP usually happens earlier in the year, and all this sexy converging on the conference with the warm weather might prove too much . . .

    • Erika Rae says:

      AWP will need chaperones for all the sexy that’s going to be going on. A sexy TNB calendar sounds great. I think we should get right on that like sexy white on rice.

  34. Joe Daly says:

    Just had to peek back in and re-read this. It’s all I can do to keep my shirt on right now and not walk down the middle of the street singing “Love in an Elevator.”

  35. jmblaine says:

    Wait, I don’t have my
    MFA yet
    what’s
    sexy
    a metaphor
    for?

    Dang.

  36. write1159 says:

    Erika Rae is Disney Sexy.

    • Erika Rae says:

      You laugh, but Disney Sexy is nothing to shake a stick at, young man. Just look at all those fine Disney ladies. Ariel, Jasmine, Belle, Pocahontas…they’re so sexy the “G” rating is for “Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire.” That’s how sexy they are.

      • jmblaine says:

        I would
        make-out
        totally
        with Daisy Duck.

        • Anon says:

          She would not say no,
          the pantless, long-lashed trollop.
          Cuckold Donald weeps.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Sexy haiku, Anon.

        • Anon says:

          Just sexy or outrageously sexy? It’s all starting to blur….

        • Anon says:

          Either way, thank you. Because having manners and being gracious can be sexy, too.

        • Zara Potts says:

          Outrageously sexy, of course!

        • Anon says:

          Your comment is so sexy that its own punctuation can’t lie down. Woof!

        • Zara Potts says:

          Anon, you always say the best things!
          Here -have some more exclamation points – !!!!!!

        • Anon says:

          You are far too kind – and too sexy.

        • Zara Potts says:

          And there you go again – saying all the best things.
          I’m going to bring you a special NZ treat when S and I come to visit.

        • Anon says:

          Madam, what NZ treat could be more special than yourself?

          And now, to tone down the sexy, I must attend another two-hour stint of meetings…. Blah.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Wow, Anon. That was an incredibly sexy haiku. That was 1-900 Haiku.

          Zara. You’re going to visit Anon? When are you coming to visit me? Huh? Huh?

        • Zara Potts says:

          We will be there in June!! Can we have a party????

        • Becky says:

          Sounds like it’s gonna be a key party from the looks of things…hubba hubba.

        • Zara Potts says:

          HAHHAH.

        • Parties with Australians are sexy!

        • Erika Rae says:

          Yeah, they are! Yay! We’ll have to round up Uche and Megan and Nate and and I’m not sure who else. But we’ll have a blast! A very sexy blast! …Who’s “we”? You wouldn’t be bringing Simon along, would you?

        • Zara Potts says:

          Simon is definitely coming.
          Uche has kindly invited us to stay and Anon is having a cook out for us.. It’s all very exciting. And we promise to speak in the broadest kiwi and Australian accents we can muster up.

        • Erika Rae says:

          !!! I can hardly contain my excitement. But why has Uche not mentioned it? Uche, you weren’t planning on leaving me out of this, were you?

        • Zara Potts says:

          Maybe he was planning a surprise!

        • Becky says:

          I may make the trek from MN. Maybe. I’m going to try. But I need dates. I am most interested in being there for the TNBLE and Anon’s BBQ.

        • Anon says:

          Becky, are you being serious? My need for privacy is straining against my desire to hang out with you guys.

        • Becky says:

          I am most certainly serious. Simon can corroborate. I don’t want you to come if you’re ugly, though.

          I plan to come in spite of being ugly, but I have always been prone to exceptionalism.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          Anon, are you… are you Sandra Bullock?

        • Anon says:

          My wife, daughter and mommy tell me I’m handsome and smart and I can even count to potato. Be that as it may, I will not be attending any events but might be willing to throw an extra burger or two on the grill and load a few extra mags for the range session.

        • Anon says:

          Simon: No, although I have, upon skinny dipping in Waikiki, had sandy bollocks.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          HIYO!

        • Richard Cox says:

          I am close to purchasing my plane tickets as well for June. I think there may be a few others.

          Stay tuned…

        • Becky says:

          Sandy Bollocks. *snort*

          Potato is my lucky number.

          Anyway, I was kidding. I’m not ugly.

          But what gives, Anon? You on house arrest or what? Or is this just a ploy to get host gifts?

        • Erika Rae says:

          I’m feeling terribly in the dark, and therefore incredibly unsexy at the moment. June sounds great, but what is happening? Is there an event I don’t know about – or is it just that we’ve all agreed to converge upon the Boulder/Denver area? Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with both. Flexibility is sexy! I just want to know what’s going on. Huh? Huh?

        • Erika Rae says:

          And Becky and Richard – it would be SO fun to meet you both!

        • Becky says:

          I, and potentially the husband, will be descending on L.A. if we can. I hope that’s where everyone else is descending.

          I thought that was the agreed-upon point of descent.

          Not sure about a side-trip to Boulder or anywhere else, though I’m not opposed in principle.

          Erika, being in the dark is sexy because it gives all the know-it-alls around here a chance to show all the stuff they know, which makes them feel sexy, and making other people feel sexy is TOTALLY sexy.

        • Anon says:

          Sigh. Becky…. I’m not fishing for anything (not here, at least) and I feel like a complete ‘tard being all Captain Cryptic. But, while you wouldn’t know me from a hole in the wall, I am not entirely unknown in certain circles and “being myself” would cause problems for people other than myself. And so, I am the Man in the Iron Fedora online and need to be choosy with whom I associate in the real world. It is sub-optimal for me but c’est la vie. It is what it is.

        • Anon says:

          And flexibility in the darkness is way-mega-uber-tres-sexEE! Oo! So sexy, in fact, that I appear to be sporting an exclamation point. How embarrassing….

        • Becky says:

          Nonsense, Anon. Captain Cryptic works for you. No need to feel a ‘tard.

          (Definitely do not. Like, I think it’s probably illegal.)

          But I have above-average profiling/categorizing talents. I bet I could pick you out of a line-up of 5-10 middle-aged Italian men, even never having seen you.

          Which really has nothing to do with your predicament, but still. I bet I could.

          HOW DID YOU BEAT ME TO THE FLEXIBILITY IN THE DARKNESS JOKE???

          More coffee.

        • Anon says:

          Well, a lineup situation is entirely different and far too easy. I’d be the only one smirking.

          Wow. “Middle-aged”. I hadn’t really considered that and now I’m disturbed. I’ll have to let my wife know. Aren’t I supposed to be shopping for sportscars and picking up barely-legal (non-‘tard) girls or something? I am sooo behind.

        • Anon says:

          Of course, behinds are sexy. Not all, of course, but enough.

        • Becky says:

          Sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you (or your wife). It’s just the whole “over the hill” maxim. I hear 40 is the new 30, though, so maybe they have changed that. Chin up!

          Not too far up, though. I increasingly feel like it’s not a good idea for us to see your face. I DON’T WANT THEM TO COME FOR ME!!!!

        • Anon says:

          Ah! So there’s time yet! I was starting to fret about the car thing – I’m not really a sports car type. I mean, they look nice and all but they just attract attention, have no ground clearance to speak of and you end up with an impressive array of legal woes if you use them as intended. Much like those barely-legal girls, come to think of it….

        • Becky says:

          Am I the only one humming “Little Red Corvette?”

        • Anon says:

          Yes. Next question.

          🙂

        • Anon says:

          Always glad to provide a daily laugh, Madam. (;

  37. Amanda says:

    Last weekend, Toronto was non-stop sexy. The city was, in fact, a sex machine.

    A sex machine whose power-generator was the trio of ladies I saw playing beach volleyball in bikinis, even though there still were no leaves on trees and the grass hadn’t sprouted so the parkland was all mushy and brown.

    Awesome.

    • you know I moved to Toronto in October and it was definitely NOT sexy. And then, when spring came, I was shocked by how sexy it all was. Sexier than California. Sexy because after so many months of covering up, the sudden unveiling was profoundly, startlingly sexy.

  38. Erika Rae says:

    That is incredible, Amanda. Bikini-clad ladies and bare naked trees. Sexy.

  39. “Five or more years ago (here in London; maybe ten if you live in, say, Seattle), if you used a laptop in a coffee shop you were That Guy. You know the one. Him, there NO DON’T LOOK HE’LL WANT TO TELL US ABOUT HIS SCREENPLAY. Now, if you’re on your own without a laptop, just having coffee and cake – now you’re That Guy. As a friend of mine put it, “What’s going on there? He’s got, like, a latte or something. Oh my God, he’s just drinking it!”

    This tilt has actually worked out well for me. I live in one of the most hipsterical parts of London, in a street which hosts an “organic” market on Saturdays. For the first few weeks of its existence it was called a farmers’ market, but the lack of tractors and wellies and the fact that there are no sushi farms in the area were undeniable. There are 5 (FIVE) decent, independent coffee shops in the street, each with its own merits; best food, best cakes, best music, best for a venomous caffeine hit. These are my offices; I’m The Artist Formerly Known as That Guy.”

    Yes, so. I’m off out now. It is indeed spring, and the usual half-hearted drizzle is present and correct and, to be honest, not really very sexy, but I’ll have a latte or two at the coffee shop that plays utterly inappropriate music (Sabbath, Autechre, Helmet…Peaches!) and tippety-tap away on my dented little PowerBook. And the whole thing will be jolly sexxy. Hurrah!

    • Erika Rae says:

      Hurrah, indeed! Ha!

      The politics of what one does while drinking or eating solo is fascinating, isn’t it? Sort of unavoidable and heavy with cultural expectation in a similar vein of “what one does while riding an elevator”. Interesting the shift over such a short period of time.

      You have drizzle today and we’re back to snow – but never fear, that sexy sun is on its way back. We must hold onto our rights to sexiness in spring regardless of (in spite of!) the weather.

      Stay jolly sexy.

  40. Josh Michtom says:

    You have captured it, Erika. Spring IS sexy, and in precisely the way you say – it makes everyone sexy, and we just walk around basking in the shared secret of our mutual sexiness. I feel like you’ve written the thing that I feel about Spring, but when I try to write about Spring, it always ends up being about baseball. (Baseball is sexy, sure, but not as sexy to write about as sexiness itself.)

    • Erika Rae says:

      Before your comment, Josh, I was feeling a little shy about this post. I like to tackle things of a bit more serious nature from time to time and this one is, admittedly, well, a bit silly. Even for me. But now I see that this post captures a certain zeitgeist and is important to our culture. I am even considering hitting Ben Loory up for an in to The New Yorker on the grounds of social relevance. Thank you, Josh, for elevating my silly little post and validating me as a writer. That was hella sexy of you.

  41. Erika Rae says:

    Circle back? I didn’t realize we’d left it.

  42. Richard Cox says:

    Sexy is outrageous.

    I applaud the guy at Whole Foods because everyone knows the only acceptable way to check out a girl’s bare midriff when while pretending to read the Onion. Even if you’re caught it’s still sexy.

    Last year I went to Cozumel for the first time. The water was sexy and the shoreline was sexy and my companion was sexy, but there wasn’t as much people sexy as I assumed there would be. Then again maybe I chose the wrong resort.

    The old woman suffering from pantalones displacement was dead sexy, but she would have been even sexier driving a shiny red pickup.

    Receiving a lot of comments on a post is sexy, while being overwhelmed with responding is outrageous.

    In a way these two posts are siblings, or least distant cousins.

    Outrageously sexy.

  43. Paul Clayton says:

    Wow! TNB is sexy. So I must be too. I can’t wait to tell everyone.

    • Anon says:

      Too late, my friend – they already know!

      • Erika Rae says:

        Spread the word, Paul! Proselytizing is sexy, too! (Except, of course, when it’s not.) Have a tres sexy jour.

        Look at me! I’m speaking in franglais, now. How sexy!

        • Anon says:

          From your bio-blurb, I see you’re a linguist so I don’t want to tangle with you. However, I believe – en franglais – it’s “tres sexEE”. The trailing “bebEE” is traditional but optional. Source: Warner Brothers Dictionary, Pepe LePew edition.

        • Becky says:

          WhatOMG! Erika is a linguist?

          Erika, I like you even more now.

          I’ll have to be careful about what I pretend to know about linguistics now, though.

        • Anon says:

          It’s like the whole “cunning linguist” gag is just sitting there, right in front of me, daring me to take such an easy shot. “Look at me! I’m a big slow pitch right over home plate!” But, since obvious humor is obvious, I shall let it go… for now.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Very nice, 007. Very nice.

          I feel special now. Becky likes me. ( : Don’t worry about what you might pretend to know. I do a hell of a lot of pretending myself.

        • Anon says:

          Thank you, Moneypenny.

        • Becky says:

          Erika, I like everyone who calls me sexy.

          Just ask my 614 ex-boyfriends.

          But that linguist thing…that is truly special.

        • Becky says:

          Okay, that just sounds like I’m bragging, but I was trying to say that I’m easy.

          Which may or may not be better.

        • Anon says:

          I’m sure your husband would say that it’s better. And he’s probably bragging.

        • Gloria says:

          @Becky – was your ex-boyfriend a cunning linguist? Because that’s sexy.

  44. Stefan Kiesbye says:

    Erika,

    horribly late and discombobulated, but you just made my day. You’re my hero! It’s good to know someone is out there who believes in the power of sexy! Yay!

  45. Anon says:

    Okay, I have stumbled across sort of a “niche sexy” that may require you to be a parent to fully appreciate the mind-blowingosity of the sexy involved. This one goes out to my fellow breeders.

    I’m talking “time to yourself” sexy. Mmmm…. Feel that love, baby.

    With our kids’ nighttime sleeplessness and daytime demands, my wife and I found that getting away alone once a quarter – nothing special, just not being on tap for domestic demands – would just make us so much more tolerable as parents and people. We hung it up for awhile due to finances and such but have recently revived the tradition. And this weekend is my turn.

    I am writing this from my sanctuary for the next thirty-six hours or so – a Courtyard Marriott, all of a mile and a quarter from my home. Childless, surrounded by stillness, watching the sun set from the luxury of my royal balcony. For I am Lord of Room 202, changing no diapers, fixing no boo-boos, sleeping whenever I want and for however long I want, accompanied only by my netbook, novel-draft-on-a-thumbdrive and a bottle – hm… a three-quarter bottle it seems… not sure how that happened – of Dalwhinnie.

    If it gets sexier than this as a parent, I don’t deserve it.

    • Becky says:

      I was gonna say…so you’re going to get drunk for the next 36 hours.

      Good on ya.

      That IS kind of sexy.

      I highly recommend turning your intrawebz commentary to 11 during this stupor. You know. Keep us posted.

      • Anon says:

        If I turned it up to 11 in your reckoning by simply making undercaffeinated references as to who would get the short end of the stick – so to speak – if Simon and I had sex, I suspect that posting during a bender would likely hit triple-digits. Which is why I probably won’t post much, although what I do will be badly typoed.

        Hm. Perhaps this is not the weekend on which to make revisions to my draft….

        • Becky says:

          Nonsense. You clearly have no idea who you’re talking to.

          Wherever your 11 is, I have been to 12.

        • Anon says:

          Hm. 15 once cost me a job. 26 made for an interesting conversation with two detectives and an assistant district attorney. 53 is why I’m not allowed to travel to Uzbekistan (tip for the night: Ethnic jokes in U.S. = stern looks and hurt widdow feewings. Ethnic jokes in Central Asia = somebody’s getting a khyber knife between the ribs.)

        • Becky says:

          Well, so, then 11-14 are no problem that you know of. Especially when you’re safely cloistered away at a US Marriott.

          Puke in your shoe, let us know, then have a continental breakfast and sweat it all out in the hot tub tomorrow.

          I’m totally willing to stick with you.

        • Anon says:

          You, Madam, are a pal. Although I don’t really puke. Well, except that one time but that doesn’t count – I was subconsciously trying to kill myself and I’m much better now.

          I hadn’t considered a swim – good thought! A swim, a soak, more scotch, then edit. Excellent.

        • Becky says:

          I believe “domesticated boobie” is the proper term. “Pal” is vaguely manish.

          Yes. Swim. By all means.

        • Simon Smithson says:

          That’s some sexy alliteration right there.

        • Anon says:

          Becky, no offense meant with “pal”. I just thought that “domesticated boobie” had some wing man connotations to it, which didn’t seem contextually appropriate.

          And Simon, I’m glad you enjoyed that minor alliteration because that may be the last bit for the evening. Further attempts, I fear, would just result in some embarrassing slurring on my part.

        • Becky says:

          I didn’t take offense. I didn’t realize “domesticated boobie” was limited to a wingman scenario. I thought it encompassed all duties, including–but not limited to–holding your hair while you puke and not taking advantage of you in your compromised state.

          That’s what I expect from my domesticated ballsacks, anyway.

        • Anon says:

          This is the problem with developing lingo – you need to define the context at the start or all sorts of bad things can happen. See, in your holding-hair-while-puking scenario, I would simply use the term “friend” or “spouse”. When you add in the not-taking-advantage part, I would either again use “friend” or possibly the qualified “gay friend”, although “spouse with whom you had a fight earlier in the evening” would also be acceptable.

        • Becky says:

          HA!

          Touche.

          Of course, there’s the rarer ballsack-who-is-close-friends-with-your-husband-so-he-feels-obligated-to-care-of-you-in-your-spouse’s-absence domestication, which is a lesser but still functional category of domestication.

        • Becky says:

          This message brought to you by the department of redundancy department.

        • Anon says:

          Mmm…. Yeah…. About that…. Reaching back into my distant days of being a “feral ballsack”, I believe the proper term for that person is “guy who can’t figure out how to get down your pants without having your husband put him in the hospital/ground but isn’t willing to give up on the idea quite yet, you sexy goddess, you”. Or “husband’s gay friend”.

        • Anon says:

          Don’t worry about the redundancy. I’m getting close to seeing two of everything anyway so I’d hardly notice the difference.

          Note to self: No manscaping tonight!

        • Becky says:

          We’re about to get in a “When Harry Met Sally” argument, and I can’t allow that.

          Suffice it to say, I have a way of eliciting feelings of familial fondness in men.

          It’s probably all the alliteration.

        • Anon says:

          I’ve gotta disag-

          Hang on. You’ve got a little schmutz on your cheek. Let me get a napkin. There. All better. [tousles hair]

          GAH!! How did you do that, devil woman??

        • Becky says:

          Magic. And a slightly confusing gender persona.

          Now let’s toss back some Jack and go skinny dipping, bro!

    • Erika Rae says:

      Oh man. You just blew my mind. That. Is sexy.

  46. Becky says:

    Also sexy: Grass + bare feet for the first time today.

    I think I had a bumpkingasm.

  47. D.R. Haney says:

    The problem with living in L.A., Erika, is that it’s almost always freaking spring, which maybe accounts for the fact that practically nobody here strikes me as sexy. But, hey, I’m sure nobody — and not just practically nobody — thinks of me that way either, and I’m not being falsely modest or attempting to coax a compliment. I call ’em like I see ’em.

    Knock ’em dead at TNBLE. Have you bought your copy of The New Yorker? In addition to Ben’s fantastic story — and it really is something — there’s a long non-fiction piece about Serbian jewel thieves. Now, the Serbs know a thing or two about sexy!

    • Erika Rae says:

      Aw c’mon, Duke. You’ve got to own your sexy. Calling things like you see them is sexy!

      I’ll bet the Serbs DO know sexy! I do not own a copy of that New Yorker, although I did read Ben’s awesome story online. I also get to brag now that I just cooked dinner for Megan D and Ben Loory and that they are currently on their way back down the mountain. Such incredible people.

  48. This is sexy. And perfect. I once wrote a story about all this sex in a retirement home (inc phone) and realized in writing it that if you don’t accept someone’s sexuality, you don’t accept their humanity. So let everyone be sexy. XXX.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Well said, Peter!

      What does “inc phone” mean? Is that “including phone sex?” Am I reading this right? Was there dirty phone sex going on at the retirement center?

      • Anon says:

        Wow. I’m trying to picture that in light of my elderly mother’s phone communication skills.

        “I want to run my tongue – ”

        “You what? Rum-a-tum? What is that, a drink?”

        “No! I said ‘run – ”

        “WHAT? You’re mumbling! You need to speak up!”

        “I can’t speed up. My dentures slip.”

        “Your dentist WHAT??”

        Terrifying.

  49. Yes, Erika. In my story, there was all that and more. A woman in a wheelchair banging around, trying desperately to crank up the volume on her hearing aid as her interacial lover said naughty things from a few rooms down. But as we said, it’s like, a metaphor.

  50. Tom Hansen says:

    Erika and Megan are sexy. I saw it with my own two eyes

  51. Tom Hansen says:

    Wow this thread has gotten out of control

  52. Judy Prince says:

    You darling woman! You said the woman said—-and I HOOT—-“Oops! Look how sexy I am. I forgot my underwear. Never even noticed they were gone.” HOOT! Erika, if you were to full-throttle’ly unleash yore wit, OMG! Keeping it under wraps, just a bit, will simply uncork the thang at some unforeseen time like when that chick forgets to wear her false eyelashes, constructed bosoms, hair “fall”, fake nails and coloured contact lenses……and you’re with your 3 kids in the car right next to hers. I’ll wanna hear what you have to say to her—-YES!

    • Erika Rae says:

      Oh you are funny, Miss Judy Prince. Something tells me you would be anything but short of words, yourself. Should that series of events visit our sexy mama, I shall be thankful that her PT Cruiser has tinted windows so that my children cannot see that level of sexiness from the backseat, where they will be safely strapped in and oblivious.

  53. David Breithaupt says:

    Here’s the trouble, when you reach middle age, you feel like a perv checking out the sexy people. Or maybe I should just think of it as Whitmanesque? Regardless, I’ll be lookin’ til I die!

    • Erika Rae says:

      What are you talking about?? Middle age is sexy. The French say that a woman is not beautiful until she is 35 (at least I’ve heard they say this). It only gets sexier from there.

      Whitmanesque is sexy!

      • 35 is middle aged? Then I’m way over the hill. I guess I’ll say sexy is a state of mind, or as Grace Slick said, ‘you’re only pretty as you feel.’

        • Erika Rae says:

          OK, OK – I didn’t exactly mean that 35 was middle aged per se. I mean, I can claim a couple more years before that happens, right?

          Right?

          (silence)

          What I simply meant to say was that if true beauty STARTS at 35, then it must have a few sexy years to look forward to.

          Viva la sexy!

  54. I remember hearing college students discussing some guy, they said he was really old, ‘like 30!” It’s all relative I guess.

  55. Irene Zion says:

    Erika Rae,

    I read every single one of these 463 comments to find where you wrote me a reply, apparently at random. Then I realized the title was different, so I went to your archive to see if you were replying to something old but there was no title that matched. So then, since it’s not exactly getting up time and my brain is only on hallf-power, I thought for a minute that I was in the twilight zone and you were responding to something that I commented about that you didn’t write yet. Then I remembered Joshua’s post, and although I had no recollection of what I said, HUZZAH! I finally found your reply to my comment, but to JOSHUA. Perhaps I should be full-brain awake when I get on the computer….

  56. Scott says:

    Still Sexy.

  57. […] It’s spring, and all of you sexy people out there know what just what I mean when I say, mmm-mm. It’s time for the return of the sexy. […]

  58. Webhosting…

    The Nervous Breakdown…

  59. Circle Lens says:

    For Anyone…

    […]Erika Rae | To All You Sexy People | The Nervous Breakdown[…]…

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