It’s spring, and all of you sexy people out there know just what I mean when I say, mmm-mm. It’s time for the return of the sexy.

The sun is bouncing brightly off that freshly waxed chest in front of you where its owner is parked enjoying a delicious shot of wheatgrass. He’s working on his computer like he’s got a novel brewing. Or maybe he’s a writer for GQ. He’s just made eye contact with you as if to say candidly, “I see you watching me being sexy over here. I, too, acknowledge your sexy.”

Oh, yeah.

That’s right. It’s been a long, cold run up here in the mountains, and I am happy to report that spring is finally in the air. The birds are birding, the chipmunks are chipmunking; and the bees…are beeing sexy. Yesterday, I was at a giant garage sale for my kid’s school. Helping out because volunteering is sexy. I didn’t end up doing much, but I did walk away with a great deal on a purple and black corset, which just goes to show, economy is sexy, too.

A lot has happened this last year. Grandpa got married. He’s 90 and she’s 96, but neither of them are a day over sexy. Together they witnessed the rise and fall of the USSR, the coming of age of Barbie, and the invention of the chocolate chip cookie. Had a preacher man say some words over them without actually signing a marriage license so they could be sexy together without getting their families all riled up over mingling their bank accounts. Last I heard, they had moved back to their single rooms over at the independent living center. A little space is sexy, too—oh yeah.

It’s spring and it’s time to be sexy. Two weeks ago, Slade Ham, Megan DiLullo, Uche Ogbuji, Richard Cox and Sam Demaris came up to our house. It had snowed 8 inches of fresh powder, so it wasn’t very sexy. Even so, we laughed, told stories, ate donuts and drank a lot of very sexy whiskey. At one in the morning, we broke out the kickboxing gear and sparred in the living room. I got the wind just about knocked out of me by a well-placed punch to the side by Slade. Brought me to my knees it was so sexy. Even Scott just shook his head from behind the video camera and didn’t rush to my defense. Megan put on some headgear like she was going to jump in but was eventually pulled back to the sofa by a 90 proof magnet. Uche broke out into some def poetry while Sam called us a bunch of high schoolers. Richard played Tiffany. There is nothing sexy about Tiffany. Donuts are sexy, though. Especially if you’re a dude made out of fried bread. Oh, yeah.

But Spring is in the air now, and all of those kinks have been smoothed over. No excuse to not be sexy. Even Simon Smithson and Zara Potts and the rest of you living down under don’t have to stop being sexy even though it’s well into autumn now for you. Autumn is a sexy word for fall. You’re down there and we’re up here and we’re passing like two sexy ships in the night. Passing the baton of sexy.

Don’t worry, though. We’ll have enough sexy in the northern hemisphere to carry you over. Nathaniel Missildine in France. David S. Wills in China. Steve Sparshott and James Irwin in England. Irene Zion over in Belgium(?) and Judy Prince somewhere in between. We’re creating a mesh network of sexy and beaming it south. Down below the earth’s belt. Now that’s sexy.

That’s right, Spring is in the air and it’s time to be sexy so slip out of those shoes and curl your toes deep into some warm sand somewhere. Wear something that ends in an ‘ini’. Order something cold that comes in a pineapple or coconut shell because drinks that come in their own skin are sexy. You know it. But it’s spring, so don’t worry too much about having to try. In spring, just about everything is sexy. In spring, even Tiffany is sexy.

So, keep on keepin’ on, wheatgrass boy. You’ve got a spot of green in the corner of your mouth there.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

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ERIKA RAE is the author of Devangelical, a humor memoir about growing up Evangelical (Emergency Press, December, 2012). She is editor-in-chief at Scree Magazine and nonfiction editor at The Nervous Breakdown. Erika earned her MA in Lit­er­a­ture and Lin­guis­tics from the Uni­ver­sity of Hong Kong and to this day can ask where the bath­room is in Can­tonese, although it is likely that she will not under­stand the answer. In her dream world, she fan­cies her­self a kung fu mas­ter clev­erly dis­guised as a gen­tle moun­tain dweller, eagerly antic­i­pat­ing dan­ger at the bot­tom of every latte. When she is not whipping one of her 3 children and denying them bread with their broth, she runs an ISP with her husband from their home in the Colorado Rockies.

72 responses to “The Return of the Sexy”

  1. Lorna says:

    Dearest Sexy Erika Rae,
    I bet you can hear my sexy laugh all the way in CO because it’s traveling on the sexy airwaves.

  2. Stefan Kiesbye says:

    Oooh yeah, a year older, but I’m up for another sexy year! Love your state of mind!

  3. Uche Ogbuji says:

    HA! HA! HA! HA! “90 proof magnet” HA! HA! HA! HA! Insert “Megan’s so metal…” joke here (Joe Daly, you around?)

    As soon as I stop choking on my chuckles I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say about this slice of hilarity. But first I gotta go put on my Arsenal strip-ini.

  4. karyn says:

    you are awesome.
    and sexy.
    I laughed a LOT throughout this. So much sexiness (& giggles)

  5. James D. Irwin says:

    Due to my Britishness ‘sexy’ is an awkward and uncomfortable word, the very utterance of which always has me paranoid that I sound like the most terrible pervert…

    It was cool (and unexpected) to see my own name crop up. As awkward as it might make me, it’s nice to see the sexy return.

    It’s nice to see you return as well.

    • Erika Rae says:

      James D Irwin, you make awkward sexy. In a British sort of way, of course. A vital component of the mesh network of sexy. Even though you guys can’t spell.

      Colour, me arse.

      • James D. Irwin says:

        Oh, gosh… I don’t know what to say…

        I have to admit the lack of ‘u’s in the American language do kind of make sense.

        • Erika Rae says:

          Hee.

          I think Webster was responsible for the mutiny on the ‘u’. Fact: without a ‘u’, there would be no mutiny.

          (Yeah, yeah…I’m keeping the day job)

  6. It’s so hard to type this from the shower as I rust…

    Blech. I didn’t pull that joke off well.

    I love you to itsy bitsy bits and thank you for being the hostess with the mostess headgear.

    You are Captain Sexypantslovefacebaconchickendonuthotness.

  7. Did you remember to put rum in those sexy donuts?

    So Irene’s in Belgium. Possibly. I was wondering about that. She narrowed it down only to Europe.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Doh! (nuts!) I forgot the rum in the donuts. I did, however, toss some tequila into the chicken. Thought of you, of course.

      I *think* Irene is in Belgium. On her FB page she had posted a Belgian keyboard. That’s all I have to go on. It’s OK, though. I don’t think her exact location is critical to maintaining the mesh network of sexy.

  8. Zara Potts says:

    I am going to try and bring some sexy to everything I do – just for you.
    xxx

  9. My favorite part: “the bees…are beeing sexy.” Beeing. Heh.

    This piece made me laugh, and laughter is really sexy.

    Happy sexy spring to you, Erika Rae! (:

    • Erika Rae says:

      Laughter is super sexy, Tawni. You and me and the rest of us have about had enough of this cold year, so keep on laughing for all of us. Laugh us all the way to Cozumel, would you?

  10. Gloria says:

    YAY!! Erika Rae brought sexy back!!!

    I’ll read now.

  11. 90 Proof Magnet is my new band name.

    I was at a party on Saturday night (it was a remarkably sexy party) and this came on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fz1BXF7bVpM

    The dancefloor flooded with people dressed in the theme, which was Mad vs. Bad.

    The moment was perhaps a fifteenth as sexy as this piece.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Oh thank God TNB is back. Phew!

      I would totally be friends with JT. I want to go have wheatgrass with him. If only he would answer my calls.

      I would have gone as an angry Michael Jackson to your party.

  12. Wow, I haven’t been associated with sexy since the time I wore a Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax T-shirt to an 8th grade sockhop. That was pretty hard to top, but this…this is something else.

    As far as I’m concerned, one of TNB’s writers will be on the cover of People magazine by next year. I’ll put bets on either you or Joe Daly.

    (Also in glancing over last year’s sexy, I pondered this question: Where did Anon get to? Can the state of Colorado issue an APB?)

    • Erika Rae says:

      Wow. A Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax T-shirt in the 8th grade would have ranked fairly high on the sexy. Right up there with no socks with Converse high tops. Impressive, Missildine. Impressive.

      You flatter me with your prediction. Sheesh. I’ll buy Joe landing there, though. Seriously. He’s going places.

      As for Anon, I couldn’t say. Anon? *ping* (Concern for your fellow writers is sexy.)

  13. Joe Daly says:

    Thank goodness.

    I was walking on the beach this morning, and halfway down the shore I had to turn around and haul ass back to my car to check in the rear view mirror to see if I was sexy enough to finish the walk. I wasn’t sure because it was a windy day, so I hopped in and drove home.

    I wish I had read this piece before the walk, but I’ll take it with me next time.

    Beach walking is super sexy.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Walking in the wind is super sexy because it musses up your hair and makes you regard everything with a smoldering squint. That’s, like, Blue Steel sexy. You go ahead and give it another try. Nothing sexier than Blue Steel beach walkin’. (You had your dogs with you, too, didn’t you? Bonus points. Woof.)

  14. jmblaine says:

    Missy, keep up this
    kind of talk and you
    will never make it to Lifeway
    bookstores.

    Shame on you,
    you naughty little fox
    you frivolous mink
    you bow & arrow drunkard

    5/21/2011.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Only 10 days left. What are you going to do with your time?

      There is a shock
      specifically for me
      on the handle
      of the door
      at Lifeway.

      I must remember to carry chapstick in my pocket that day. An eternity of chapped lips will not do.

  15. Greg Olear says:

    Don’t you know it. I got “Pretty Boy Swag” queued up and I’m ready to go.

    The only problem is, there are so many places I am too sexy for…Milan, New York and Japan. In fact, I’m too sexy for this post…

  16. pixy says:

    this reminds me of 2 things:

    1. i think your sexy day is on par with boob day. i can’t wait for that day to come here. we have not yet had a string of warm enough days. just one carefully placed here and there.

    2. phil hartman and his “sassy” sketches. i’m very saddened to say that i can’t find any clips of this on youtube or nbc archives. poo.

    oh, and i totally had barry white cruising through my brain while reading this. so full of fantastic!

    • Erika Rae says:

      1. I had no idea that boob day exists. That’s super sexy. What day is it in your gravatar? Bad Habits Day?

      2. I had totally forgotten Phil Hartman and sassy! Sassy is a great word. Sassy would take Boob Day to the next level. To Side Boob Day. Now that’s sassy.

      3. Barry White doing shots of wheatgrass. Now that’s sexy.

      • pixy says:

        you, missy… YOU are side-boob sassy!

        an aside to boob day: after careful observation on the teaser days that we have, i do believe portland’s version of boob day is plumber crack day. a day so warm and full of sexy happy bouncing bees that all the morose people with the skinny jeans hop on their bikes and ride ride ride to soak up as much sun as possible, not knowing, or even caring, that their skinny jeans fit so that at least 2 inches of crack are showing.
        what i appreciate about plumber crack day is that it pertains to both men and women.
        it would be sexy to put an ice cube in that crack.

        and it’s nuns-having-slushies-on-salacious-stools day in my gravatar. : )

  17. As I’m reading all I can hear in my head are the Flight of the Conchords singing: we’re both in love with a sexy lady….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beQ9yChEcHw

  18. Jorge says:

    E-Dawg,

    Sexy writing!

    One of the many reasons “I love your style!” (Anyone remember that song?!)

    =)

  19. Becky Palapala says:

    Even my dog is trotting around kind of sexy these days.

    She’s only 5 months old, though, so we call it “precocious.”

    Me? Wearing my flip flops in my cubicle. Even soul-sucking bureaucratic drudgery can’t stop the sexy.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Yeah. 5 months old is never sexy. We had a cat once – a kitten barely 1 year old – who thought it would be sexy to go out whoring herself to the neighborhood. Next thing we knew, she was a young momma. Kittens having kittens. That’s beyond precocious, even.

      Flip flops in a cubicle is way sexy, Becky. I’m totally feeling your heat.

      Me? I woke up this morning to a foot of very unsexy snow again. Shrapnel.

  20. Slade Ham says:

    How’d I miss this? Oh, probably because I haven’t been by here in AGES. You sexy, sexy people…. Sexy AND you can take a punch? Had we gone one more round you know you would have destroyed me. My weak, sea level lungs were begging to be ripped out of my still warm body.

    Oh how I miss this group of misfits…..

    • Erika Rae says:

      Hey sexy Slade – you have a pass since you’ve been out with all that sexy whiskey. You’re allowed a little tardiness every now and then. And anyway, look at me? It’s May 11. Sucker punched by a very unsexy hack job on the TNB. Back now stronger than ever though. Comebacks are sexy. As are do-overs.

      You didn’t look too worse for the wear at one AM, though. My ribs couldn’t tell you were off your game, at any rate. Now, by two…you were completely zonked. Too much to know Megan and me had our gloves on and were hitting you repeatedly upside the head.

      Stupid socks.

  21. Sharon Wilks says:

    I just wish I had some Courvoisier to drink while I was reading this..

  22. jessica says:

    oh, so fun. what a great read.
    enjoy spring!!!

    • Erika Rae says:

      You too, sexy Jessica! If Spring ever decides to stay awhile, that is. A foot of snow up here last night! Definitely not sexy. Hopefully it’s still sexy where you are!

  23. Reno Romero says:

    I never felt sexy. But after this sexy read I’m gonna fucking find some sexy even if I have to steal that shit. THIS was fun and hilarious, Erika.

    ‘He’s just made eye contact with you as if to say candidly, “I see you watching me being sexy over here. I, too, acknowledge your sexy.’

    Ha! Good stuff. Bye, sexy.

  24. Richard Cox says:

    Hahaha. Telling white lies is not sexy. Richard did not play Tiffany. He did, however, play Debbie Gibson in response to Tiffany.

    Which is also not sexy.

    But you are. And so is Megan. 😉

    • Erika Rae says:

      Wait, what? *record screech* Who played the Tiffany then? Oh man. My mind is all a-jumble from that night, ’tis true. Is confusion sexy? Then again…Tiffany…Debbie Gibson…’nuff said. Heh. It’s all good, though. It’s spring! Even Weird Al is sexy.

      • Richard Cox says:

        YOU played Tiffany, my dear. I have forgotten certain events but I remember that clearly.

        • Erika Rae says:

          I most certainly did not! I don’t remember choosing any of the song picks that night – “remember” being the operating term here… Maybe Scott did this and I was left holding the gun? I’ll bet that’s what happened. Seriously. I didn’t do it!

          And anyway, Tiffany is sexy. That’s what I said, isn’t it? When has Tiffany not been sexy? Tiffany not sexy. Sheesh.

  25. jmblaine says:

    where is lexi?

  26. Were there badgers? Were they badging?

    I’d have thought Uche would find 8″ of fresh snedge very sexy indeed.

    I am now going to sit very still in a café, wearing a t-shirt with a raygun on it. A picture of a raygun.

    Ooh yeah.

    • Erika Rae says:

      I think Uche did find the fresh snedge sexy. You should have seen him blast Slade, Richard and Scott with snowballs. He did not hit me, though, as he is a gentleman. Unlike Scott and Slade who practically whitewashed me with the stuff. Fresh snedge is a VERY sexy way of saying snow, by the way. And James Irwin above says you Brits have trouble with the sexy. *finger-to-nose*

      Rayguns are tres sexy. Don’t you move from that spot now.

      That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

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