You’ve heard the news by now. A group of Minnesotan astrogeeks with impressively large telescopes have called out astrologers everywhere by reporting that the stars have moved since the Babylonian concept of the zodiac was born. Thought you couldn’t help your Leo need to be adored by the masses? Guess what. You are actually supposed to prefer solitary walks by the beach and are just an ass.

Welcome to the MAE*.

 

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
The newly resurrected Ophiuchus sign represents a man wrestling a serpent and shares traits with Imhotep, a 27th century BCE Egyptian doctor – not to be confused with Mummy Imhotep, the still-juicy High Priest of Osiris who terrorized Brendan Fraser to the transitioning squeals of prepubescent male audiences everywhere. Like Dr. Imhotep, Ophiuchus is a healer of men and a doctor of medicine or science. And, like him, you insatiably seek higher education and are perfectly comfortable being the only person in your continuing ed class sporting a set of trifocals and a wad of extra absorbency hanging low in your trunk. You are expected to achieve a high position in life, regardless of how long it takes. As an addendum, you will also spend a lifetime trying to pronounce your new sign, regardless of how long it takes.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan. 20
The Sagittarius makes for the classic dot-bomb era entrepreneur. You’re adventurous, optimistic, and you love those trendy little hipster companies that encourage jogging breaks and offer 6 weeks of fully paid paternity leave. You also love the idea of learning. This is not to be confused with actually learning. Your biggest challenge this year is going to be putting down the latest Seth Godin book to actually write that white paper.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
If you’re a Capricorn, you don’t need a horoscope to tell you what to do. You’re already driven, motivated, and probably have a highly detailed Excel spreadsheet filled with the necessary steps to get from point A to points B, C, and subsequently, D. Your biggest challenge is refraining from judging everyone else around you for not having such a detailed life roadmap and from repeating the words, “Really? Really?” when confronted by the average non-Capricorn. As a matter of fact, the only star sign you fear is the new and improved Super-Scorpio (see below), who you suspect in Column T, Row 46 could throw a potential kink in your Grand Master Plan to Take Over the World by eating your heart directly out of your still-steaming thoracic cavity with a shrimp fork, should you cross them.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
For those of you who come to this sign as former Pisceans, the Age of Aquarius has literally only just dawned. What you need to know in your new star sign: #1 – You are easy going and a fabulous networker; #2 – You are lazy and slothful by nature; and, #3 – Unlike the Broadway show Hair**, life is not a musical and you will need some extra motivation to spur yourself into action.*** The good news is that of all your non-Aquarian friends, you stand to have the highest connection count on LinkedIn if you choose to apply yourself. Good luck with that.

Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Al Gore’s migration from Aries (Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, Ambitious) to Pisces (Depth, Imagination, Reactive, Indecisive) explains a lot about how he was able to invent the Internet.

Aries: April 18 – May 13
If TNB had a star sign, it would be Aries: adventurous and living for the writer’s dream.****  What you need to know if you are a newcomer to Aries: you are a doer and not just a talker. The flip side of that is that sometimes you dive in too quickly without thinking through the consequences. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Well, former Gemini, now you’re a Taurus. Big whoop. You’ve always known you’ve got at least two personalities in there, so you might as well take the bull by the horns. Also, now you’re the same star sign as Mark Zuckerberg. (queue Simpons-esque “ha-ha”)

Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Turns out David Hasselhoff is actually a Gemini. Who knew? What you choose to do with this knowledge is entirely in your hands.

Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10
Thanks to that hard shell of yours, you-who-are-now-Cancers are well-equipped to deal with the change. Of course, you are now also are equipped with a set pincers, which means you’re going to have a hard time letting go of your former Leo-hood, where you were loved openly and without restraint by panties-throwing masses. You now have a choice: insist on being worshipped, or embrace your new sign and practice a little love and nurture for your inner circle of friends. No, the person in the mirror doesn’t count. It’s going to be tricky. You may want to seek counseling. And, if you were born before July 22 and hung on to your former sign into the MAE*, well, you are one hell of a Cancer. Go. Surround yourself with people you trust and be productive in your venture. *pinch*

Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16
Yes, we adore you. Yes, you mean the world to us. No really, we mean it. Also, as a point of information, Kenny Rogers, who was once a Leo, remains a Leo post-MAE – which is kind of cool, since he genuinely looks like a Leo. Kenny Rogers, we salute you. No really, we mean it.

Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30
You need to spend less time on FaceBook. No, seriously.

Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
Hey, former Scorpio! Great news! Now that you’re a Libra…oh, who am I kidding? You don’t give a shit about your new Libra horoscope. Chances are, you’re not even reading this right now because you’re so pissed off that somebody would dare to change your sign. I could type the lyrics in their entirety from “When the Doves Cry” for this star sign because no former Scorpio will ever, ever read it. It will sit here in digital purgatory for generations to come, completely ignored. “Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like…” There, there. Put down the axe.

Scorpio, AKA “Super Scorpio”: Nov. 23-29
Yep, you read that right. Newcomers to this fine planet of ours have exactly one possible week to be born a Scorpio now. This means that everything you know and fear about Scorpios: the passion, the revenge, the murderous intent – shall now be compressed and concentrated exponentially for this highly evolved group. It’s like melding Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil with an açai berry. Founding CEOs who are born under this sign are to be feared, and possibly eventually incarcerated.

 

* Minnesota Astrogeek Era

** You know you want to sing it out. “Aq-uar-iuuus!”

*** Helpful hint: Try Red Bull

**** Otherwise known as the vocational version of the Slip N’ Slide.

 

This horoscope originally appeared in my brand-spanking-new magazine: SCREE Magazine (shameless plug). It’s been adapted for TNB.

 

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ERIKA RAE is the author of Devangelical, a humor memoir about growing up Evangelical (Emergency Press, December, 2012). She is editor-in-chief at Scree Magazine and nonfiction editor at The Nervous Breakdown. Erika earned her MA in Lit­er­a­ture and Lin­guis­tics from the Uni­ver­sity of Hong Kong and to this day can ask where the bath­room is in Can­tonese, although it is likely that she will not under­stand the answer. In her dream world, she fan­cies her­self a kung fu mas­ter clev­erly dis­guised as a gen­tle moun­tain dweller, eagerly antic­i­pat­ing dan­ger at the bot­tom of every latte. When she is not whipping one of her 3 children and denying them bread with their broth, she runs an ISP with her husband from their home in the Colorado Rockies.

47 responses to “The New Horoscope for 2012: Now with Ophiuchus!

  1. Huh. Not that I’ve ever known anything about this kind of stuff, but I am a little peeved that I’m no longer a Scorpio.

    I was out for dinner last night and a Chinese woman asked me, “What’s your sign?” It was an odd question. Usually the language barrier precludes anything more than “What’s your name?” and “Where are you from?” Of course, I answered and she didn’t understand me, and so the next five minutes were spent miming various animals… and the sort personalities that come with these weird beings. Have you ever tried miming the difference between a scorpion and a crab? It requires some serious ass-maneuvering.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Well, of course you’re peeved, Scorpio David. (You didn’t read your new star sign, did you. Tsk-Tsk.) It’s OK. A special exception has been made just for you. You get to keep your former title. You’re grandfathered in. Now, for your listening pleasure…”Why do we scream at each other. This is what it sounds like, when the doves cry….”

      I would really like to have seen that game of charades, by the way. Especially since there is no scorpion or crab in the Chinese zodiac. She probably thought you were going for a constipated monkey.

      • She was actually a bit of an odd-ball, obsessed with each and every belief system around. The new one sweeping this part of China is Bahaism. Anyway, she seemed familiar with the Western and Chinese zodiacs. Try buying a calendar in China that doesn’t have the fucking Chinese zodiac signs all over it. Not easy. Also, did you know that in Thailand they replace pig with elephant. That’s way better. There should be an elephant in the Western one. Room for one more sign?

  2. Greg Olear says:

    My feelings about this are well-documented here, but I must confess to some disappointment that you didn’t quote extensively from “When Doves Cry.” I guess it’s because, maybe, you’re just like my mother; she’s never satisfied.

    • Erika Rae says:

      I thought of you when writing this, of course, but how could I resist? I was, as you say, dissatisfied. Simply put, the old horoscope didn’t work for me in 2011, so I am clinging to hope that the Minnesotans have gotten in right.

      Besides. I come to this whole issue from the viewpoint of the (former) Gemini. I naturally want to give all sides a fair shot. It would seem I can’t help it. It’s out of my control. *finger to nose*

  3. James D. Irwin says:

    The only good thing about being a Leo was the picture of the lion.

    Crabs are okay, I guess. They’re the lions of the sea…

    And not, as you might expect, the sealion…

  4. Becky Palapala says:

    Even if it were true, against all reason and good sense, I’m “still” a Pisces, despite having NEVER looked or acted or thought like one.

    I’m abandoning astrology anyway, in favor of Myers-Briggs typology, which does a better job on me, I think. Just makes more sense. Which is, of course, what an INTP would say.

  5. Gloria says:

    Still an Aries! Boo ya! (Does anyone still say boo ya?)

  6. pixy says:

    as a former aries and now pieces, i think al gore’s shift explains more his obsession with manbearpig than with his inventing the interwebs. cereal.
    but i could be wrong. i still don’t really know how the whole astrology thing works.

    • Becky Palapala says:

      No. You’re an Aries. Because you egg me on.

      Aries make the Aries in my chart do a reckless, gap-toothed, crazy-eyes naked jig on every mature, responsible, calculating, or deliberate part of my being.

      The end result is usually accidental extreme drunkenness. Aries x Aries = morning vomit, maybe pee pants.

      • pixy says:

        if i could make that happen in real life to someone other than myself, i could die happy and fulfilled.
        that may just be my soul’s mission: inducing accidental extreme drunkenness that ends in vomiting and pee pants. the aries in me requires that the vomit be red, so i guess that means strawberry jello shots from an over-large syringe*. darnit.

        *yes, i’ve noted how the mouth in this photo looks very much like a nine year old boy mouth

        • Becky Palapala says:

          It will not be clear, by the end of such an evening, whose fault it was.

          Aries is the sign of YES. Aries women are fun and not fussy crybabies. That second part is important.

          • pixy says:

            those last 2 sentences are TRUE WORDS, BECKY PALAPALA!

            • Becky Palapala says:

              NO CRYBABIES ALLOWED PIXY PANTS

              • Erika Rae says:

                Hey – what happened to Myers Briggs? All right, well as a former Gemini (now Taurus), I see where you’re coming from and am going to just push right on through.

                • Becky Palapala says:

                  It got unwieldy.

                  Then I lost interest.

                  Then I came back and couldn’t remember what I was doing.

                  So it’s abandoned.

                  • Erika Rae says:

                    And does that behavior fit “Aries” or “INTP” better?

                    I need to brush up on my Myers Briggs. Also, I can’t wait for scientists to come out and explain to us that the scantrons on which the Myers Briggs are taken have been skewed slightly since their inception and that all results are now slightly off. Thought you were an ISFP? Now you’re an ENFJ. These scientists will be from Wyoming.

                    • Becky Palapala says:

                      Well, I’m not an Aries. Just my moon is in Aries, I think. But it’s INTP all the way. See also: My habit of leaving books partially read.

                    • pixy says:

                      i’m an aries sun with a scorpio moon and i cannot remember the 4 letters that the myers-brigg thing assigned me, but i feel like this personality test seems to encompass all of my bits more than most.

                    • Becky Palapala says:

                      Though I resent the equivocation with Wyoming. We are quite cosmopolitan–and artsy–here in Minny, thank you very much.

                      Also, UMN is consistently in the top 10-15 research universities in the country, top five for public universities.

                      Granted, they likely did not earn this ranking for spending public dollars on things like not-actually-debunking-astrology.

                      What can I say? Even our geeks like to party every once in a while.

                    • Erika Rae says:

                      Tsk. The Wyoming reference was simply to get somebody to say, “Why Wyoming?” at which point I would have answered “Wy-not?”

                      Set up fail. No offense to either Minnesota or Wyoming intended. Group hug.

    • Erika Rae says:

      Pixy. I see your point.

  7. Zara Potts says:

    Yuss! I’m still Aquarius! Hooray!

    • Erika Rae says:

      I think that “Aquarius” just sounds the coolest of all the star signs. I suppose Ochiuphus could sound the coolest, but as I have not figured out how to pronounce it yet, that will just have to remain to be seen.

      • Pete DeLorean says:

        “It’s like melding Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil with an açai berry.” That was so funny. The whole thing was hilarious.

        I don’t wanna be a Capricorn! My sun is Aquarius, moon Leo, and rising Scorpio. Everything I have ever done or said can be attributed to those three facts. I enjoyed this. Thanks!

  8. Congrats on SCREE!

    How interesting that post-MAE I am now a Leo. When you write, “we adore you,” though, are you saying that sarcastically? I don’t know. I just have this nagging feeling you don’t mean it at all ….

    Also, being a child in Texas meant we learned “The Gambler” for choir. I played the guiro.

  9. Alanna says:

    Pssh. Libra, yeah right. I don’t even like Libras.

  10. But I love my shell and claws! They keep me in and everyone else out!

  11. Thomas Phillips says:

    No thank you.

  12. Dana says:

    I refuse to become Sagittarius. (And who knew there were two t’s in Sagittarius?) I am unequivocally Capricornian, and you can’t take that away from me.

    C’mon Super Scorpio — I’ll take you on.

  13. Sean Beaudoin says:

    Virgo. Should I say any more? Virgo.

  14. So I am no longer a late-October Scorpio, and am now a Virgo? Hmmm. I’m confused. But you’re totally right. I do need to spend less time on Facebook.

  15. New Orleans Lady says:

    I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I’m a crab, always have been. It’s just who I am. How can you take that from me, Erika Rae, how? Now, I’m Gemini? Besides the Hoff being a Gemini, can you offer me any other information? I mean, how am I supposed to behave without a clear description of who I am. This tough, Erika. Tough.

  16. jmblaine says:

    Look at you, back in humor.

    I can’t read your post though,
    my youth pastor told us
    horoscopes were from Diablo.

    Oh no, you’re not batting
    for Team Scratch now
    are you?

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