Soldier One: What did he say about honor?

Soldier Two: I’m not sure. His horse twisted him around a couple times.

Soldier One: It was something about honor. He said something about land rights and then I heard him say honor.

Soldier Three: I heard him say something about bears and trees before everyone started shouting.

Soldier One: Bears and trees? Bears up in the trees?

Soldier Two: Can bears climb trees?

Soldier One: Sure bears can climb trees. How else do they get up there?

Soldier Three: He either said bears and trees or prayers and cheese. He was so far away.

Soldier Two: Well there was definitely something about tyranny and rape earlier. I definitely heard that.

Soldier One: Is he for them or against them?

Soldier Three: Against them. We’re here to fight against all that.

Soldier One: Well, of course.

Soldier Three: When he galloped by that first time I heard that God was going to something something to their faces.

Soldier Two: Now where’d he go? I lost him.

Soldier Three: Me too.

Soldier One: I have no idea.

Soldier Three: I can never tell.

Soldier One: Wait. Look over there. Everybody’s pumping their shields and swords above their heads over there on the right. See them? They’re shouting now.

Soldier Three: Oh, yeah. Wow. They’re really getting into it.

Soldier One: Makes you wonder what he said.

Soldier Two: Who knows. Hey, so did you guys hear about what happened to Smythe last night at camp? As a joke somebody put hot tar in his boots and when he pulled his feet out he fell backward right into a catapult basket. Flung him eight hundred and forty-four feet. They measured him this morning.

Soldier Three: I heard something about that but I didn’t know who it was.

Soldier Two: It was Smythe.

Soldier One: Here comes the general! Right…. there. You can kind of see his helmet bouncing!

Soldier Two: Where? Where?

Soldier Three: I see him! He’s coming!

All Soldiers: Yeeeeaaaah!

Soldier One: Pardon me, but did he say that if we conquer our fears that we’ll conquer Beth?

Soldier Three: Who’s Beth?

Soldier Two: Death. He said we’ll conquer death.

Soldier Three: Is that even possible?

Soldier One: Damn it. Now where did he go?

Soldier Three: I can’t see him anywhere.

Soldier Two: I’ll tell you what we need. Horses.

Soldier One: Horses would really help.

Soldier Three: Did Smythe have a horse? Because if he did…

Soldier One: If a bear dropped out of a tree right in front of you, I bet you could outrun it on a horse.

Soldier Two: Oh, absolutely.

Soldier Three: I don’t know. Bears are awfully fast.

Soldier Four: Would you guys please keep it down? I can’t hear anything the general’s saying. Just keep quiet, watch for the archery flag to go up and then shoot your arrows over and over and aim really high.

Soldier Three (whispering): I’d like to see a bear race a horse in an open field.



 

 

 

 

*A different version of Overheard on the Second Front was originally published by Opium Magazine

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GREG BOOSE grew up in northeast Ohio, got his MFA degree in Moorhead, MN, and now lives in Chicago. His writing has appeared on/in The Huffington Post,The Big Jewel, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicycle, Opium Magazine, McSweeneys.net, Hobart, Feathertale, Time Out Chicago, Chicago Public Radio, Chicago Reader, NFL.com and more. Along with his wife, he is the co-editor for BlackBook Magazine's guide to Chicago. He won the 2008 Readers' Choice Award and Editor's Choice Award for satire in Farmhouse Magazine.



You must be this tall to visit his website at gregboose.com.



Follow him on Twitter at Greg_Boose.

20 responses to “Overheard on the Second Front”

  1. Becky says:

    Blessed are the cheesemakers? What’s so bloody blessed about the cheesemakers?

  2. Sarah says:

    If Mel Brooks made a spoof on Braveheart, I’m fairly certain a similar conversation to this would be in it. This cracked me right up.

  3. Jordan Ancel says:

    This is hilarious! It’s a wonder anyone ever conquered anything.

  4. Irene Zion says:

    This was really fun to read, Greg!
    Thanks!

  5. Greg Boose says:

    Glad you guys are enjoying it. I was watching Braveheart (good call Sarah) when I wrote this, thinking “How the hell is everyone supposed to hear William Wallace when he keeps moving around like that?”

  6. Joe Daly says:

    Holy shit, was this funny!

    >>Soldier Two: Well there was definitely something about tyranny and rape earlier. I definitely heard that.

    Soldier One: Is he for them or against them?<<

    Bravo!

  7. jmblaine says:

    Ah yes
    I remember seeing Life of Brian
    in junior high I think maybe
    & thinking it was either
    very blasphemous
    or very spiritual indeed.
    Is God laughing
    or throwing thunderbolts?
    That’s always the question huh?

    One long game of Telephone
    until the Apocalypse.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Benjamin used to have his little friends over every weekend and they would all recite the dialogue from all those movies.
      It was what you did for fun in nerdland.
      My Benjamin is a proud nerd.

  8. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    This is terrifically funny. Love the bit about Smythe. “They measured him this morning.” Ha!

  9. “Did he say conquer Bath?”
    “No, that’d make us Normans.”
    “Is that Hadrian’s wall?”
    “No, that’d make us Picts.”
    “Is my name Solider Three?”
    “No, that’d make us punchlines.”

    Yeah, a bit of Python. Nothing wrong with that.

  10. That was brilliant. I had to read it a few times to catch some of the subtle dialog. I’ll never get my own writing done if you keeping posting stuff because I’ll read everything you write.

  11. Hah:

    I’ve often confused Beth with Death, and visa versa.

    Nice one, Greg.

  12. Erika Rae says:

    Soldier One: Is he for them or against them?

    Soldier Three: Against them. We’re here to fight against all that.

    Soldier One: Well, of course.

    Hahahaha

  13. Judy Prince says:

    HA! Yes, indeed, horses would really help.

    “Well there was definitely something about tyranny and rape earlier. I definitely heard that.”

    “Is he for them or against them?”

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