Classified Ad — Week One
FOR SALE: Old safe on wheels. Locked but no combination. Leaving the country and can’t take it with me. Buyer owns whatever is inside. Could be a pile of diamonds or could be nothing. Maybe gold bars. Sorry, no refunds. $10,000. Call Rob X3324.
Classified Ad — Week Two
FOR SALE: Big old safe on wheels. Locked! Lost the key! Once belonged to my great grandfather, the famous French fur trader, so there may be some nice fur coats in there or stacks of money made in the fur industry. Buyer owns anything found inside. Safe most likely crowbar accessible. No refunds. $9,500. Call Entienne “Rob” Brule X3324.
Classified Ad — Week Three
FOR SALE: Big antique safe on really nice wheels. Don’t know the combination and door is locked. My highly regarded archaeologist uncle died and left me the safe in his will. Priceless artifacts inside? A map maybe? Or perhaps just the answer to all your financial problems? You figure out the combination and whatever’s inside is yours! No refunds. $9,350. Call Rob X3324.
Classified Ad — Week Four
FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe on ivory-like wheels. Safe is locked and I don’t have the combination or key. Once belonged to my great-great uncle who sailed the Caribbean as a savage pirate. Buy it and crack its secret code and own whatever’s inside! (When I roll the safe around on its super nice wheels it sounds like there are jewels bouncing around inside, but can’t say for sure. Could be pearls.) Absolutely no refunds. $8,000 OBO. Call Rob X3324 RIGHT NOW.
Classified Ad — Week Five
FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe (on wheels so nice that they have to be worth (at least) $50 each themselves)). Door is locked and I have never had it opened. I do possess six-sevenths of a riddle that leads to the combination. My obsessive manuscript-collecting grandmother died and left safe to me, but I don’t have room for it in my car. Buyer owns riddle and whatever’s inside even if it is the first draft of Ulysses or The Great Gatsby. Sorry, no refunds. $6,500 OBO. Call Rob X3324 or email [email protected]
Classified Ad — Week Six
FOR SALE: Safe on two working wheels. Locked. No combination. Opened once but lost key. As many of my wife’s frog figurines as I could fit are inside. Make me an offer. No refunds. Call Rob X3324.
Illustration by Chris Simmons. A different version of this first appeared on The Big Jewel.