Classified Ad — Week One

FOR SALE: Old safe on wheels. Locked but no combination. Leaving the country and can’t take it with me. Buyer owns whatever is inside. Could be a pile of diamonds or could be nothing. Maybe gold bars. Sorry, no refunds. $10,000. Call Rob X3324.

 

 

Classified Ad — Week Two

FOR SALE: Big old safe on wheels. Locked! Lost the key! Once belonged to my great grandfather, the famous French fur trader, so there may be some nice fur coats in there or stacks of money made in the fur industry. Buyer owns anything found inside. Safe most likely crowbar accessible. No refunds. $9,500. Call Entienne “Rob” Brule X3324.

 

 

Classified Ad — Week Three

FOR SALE: Big antique safe on really nice wheels. Don’t know the combination and door is locked. My highly regarded archaeologist uncle died and left me the safe in his will. Priceless artifacts inside? A map maybe? Or perhaps just the answer to all your financial problems? You figure out the combination and whatever’s inside is yours! No refunds. $9,350. Call Rob X3324.

 

 

Classified Ad — Week Four

FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe on ivory-like wheels. Safe is locked and I don’t have the combination or key. Once belonged to my great-great uncle who sailed the Caribbean as a savage pirate. Buy it and crack its secret code and own whatever’s inside! (When I roll the safe around on its super nice wheels it sounds like there are jewels bouncing around inside, but can’t say for sure. Could be pearls.) Absolutely no refunds. $8,000 OBO. Call Rob X3324 RIGHT NOW.

 

 

Classified Ad — Week Five

FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe (on wheels so nice that they have to be worth (at least) $50 each themselves)). Door is locked and I have never had it opened. I do possess six-sevenths of a riddle that leads to the combination. My obsessive manuscript-collecting grandmother died and left safe to me, but I don’t have room for it in my car. Buyer owns riddle and whatever’s inside even if it is the first draft of Ulysses or The Great Gatsby. Sorry, no refunds. $6,500 OBO. Call Rob X3324 or email [email protected]

 

 

Classified Ad — Week Six

FOR SALE: Safe on two working wheels. Locked. No combination. Opened once but lost key. As many of my wife’s frog figurines as I could fit are inside. Make me an offer. No refunds. Call Rob X3324.

 

 

 

 

Illustration by Chris Simmons. A different version of this first appeared on The Big Jewel.

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GREG BOOSE grew up in northeast Ohio, got his MFA degree in Moorhead, MN, and now lives in Chicago. His writing has appeared on/in The Huffington Post,The Big Jewel, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicycle, Opium Magazine, McSweeneys.net, Hobart, Feathertale, Time Out Chicago, Chicago Public Radio, Chicago Reader, NFL.com and more. Along with his wife, he is the co-editor for BlackBook Magazine's guide to Chicago. He won the 2008 Readers' Choice Award and Editor's Choice Award for satire in Farmhouse Magazine.



You must be this tall to visit his website at gregboose.com.



Follow him on Twitter at Greg_Boose.

17 responses to “For Sale: Old Safe on Wheels”

  1. Art Edwards says:

    I love the the way you reveal this guy’s character, Greg. Really good stuff.

  2. dwoz says:

    Lost the key?

    threw it away, most like.

  3. Zara Potts says:

    A collection of frog figurines? Priceless.

  4. Tyler Smith says:

    You had me at frog menagerie. Okay, you didn’t actually write that, but you had me. Love this piece. Tremendous in it’s simplicity and ruthlessness–like Emmanuel Lewis upside down in a trash can, but with a pathos and desperation that makes one uneasy while reading. You’re a funny man, Boose. This is one of my faves, I don’t know why…maybe the reason I just gave for why before I wrote that I didn’t know why, though. Loving you loving me loving you, ad infinitum.

  5. Jeffrey Pillow says:

    Good stuff. Had only Rob’s relative been Indiana Jones, who knows what could have been inside. Holy grail?

  6. Tom Hansen says:

    Car that looks like a safe! Really nice wheels! You can get with this or you can drive a toaster! Do it now! Only 10 million dollars

  7. Tom Hansen says:

    The safe drawing reminded me of one of those cube shaped cars

  8. Simon Smithson says:

    Wait, is that $10K safe still up for offer??

  9. Lorna says:

    Wow! Yours has wheels? We’ve got an old safe that my husband was able to crack to code on. It goes well with our antigue luggage trunks. I’d keep it if I were you, but I like old stuff.

  10. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    I totally want to buy this safe.

  11. Irene Zion says:

    Greg,

    You should have first contacted Giraldo Rivera!

  12. JM Blaine says:

    Me too,
    I like an easy to read
    daft little tale
    like this.
    Once my friend
    who’s dad owns a pawn shop
    bought a safe with no combination
    in an estate sale
    & said to us two teenage boys
    “Ya’ll get it open, you can have whatever’s inside…..”

  13. Erika Rae says:

    Heh. Frog figurines. That guy should be paying somebody else to take it.

  14. Obenchain says:

    My Halloween costumes have included: a flower, a chicken, a picnic, a birthday party, Cleopatra (with a broken leg and I got wheeled around in a wheelbarrow by my dad), a wizard, Marsha Clark (the DA for the OJ Simpson trial), a banana, Waldo, a power ranger, a penguin, a person in a toga (very last minute in college-not my best), Ben Roethlisberger, and Luigi.

  15. Randell says:

    Hey buddy I’m into buying old lock safes.
    I was just wondering have you had any luck on bidding price and if it’s still available it’s so please contact me I would like to have more information on it thanks.
    My name is Randy.

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