In part two of my interview with Storm Large, Storm, Quenby Moone, and I continue our discussion about pretty much everything: feminism, Sarah Palin, every possible euphemism for a woman’s girl parts, and werewolves. Storm also shares a simple and delicious recipe for pot candy, called Marijuana Meltaways.
This part of the conversation picks up where part one left off, which was at the end of an anecdote involving Prince’s management team and hypocrisy.
Gloria Harrison: You tend to roll with the punches pretty well. You seem to have a pretty thick skin.
Storm Large: I don’t know…
Not just with that, but I saw you perform live once – and that was the night that I decided I would love to interview this woman. I’m intrigued by you because there was this very old lady sitting in the very front of the stage. She must have been in her late 80s. And then there were the drag queens in the back. And then there are my lesbian friends and a whole bunch of other lesbians. And then there are married couples. And then, behind me, there are the guys I like to refer to as The Harvard Rowing Team. Because they were very primpy, obviously well-educated, Ivy League looking guys.
[laughs] What the fuck were they doing there?
I don’t know. But they were like, “We love you, Storm!” And I’m looking around and I’m thinking: We are all in the same room – together. And that night somebody yelled, “Take it off!” as soon as you went on stage. And I’ve heard in almost every interview that I listened to that people make vagina jokes. And you just handle it with so much grace. It just really seems like you’ve risen up. Just thick skin. I don’t know how to put it.
I don’t know. I don’t consider myself a feminist because I was raised kind of on my own. Because my mom was crazy and locked up. My dad was trying to deal with that. I always had food. I always had a place to stay. I was never beaten…by anyone in my family. But my only evidence of a woman in my immediate circle was someone who was sick and weak. And, to be strong, you had to just be fucking like: stiff upper lip. And you fucking buck up and you deal. But I identified way more with men than with women. My problem with feminism is its shrill, reactionary nature. As opposed to just kind of like, “Yeah. Guys are dicks. And?” Just fucking prove them wrong. Don’t get in some guy’s face because he said the word bitch. Whatever. Bitch is a word. And bitch is a fun word to say. And so is snatch, cunt, gaunch, gash. I love it all. It’s great. You’re a fucking gash. And suck it. Riding my bike, one of my favorite past times is to come up with new ways to insult and offend people. Or threaten them. Which just deals with my anger issues. [smiles] But, I’m not a feminist in that regard. There are feminists who are fighting for actual causes – like in Africa. In America, obviously there’s still sexism. There’s still a glass ceiling. Of course. Of course there is. But being shrill and reactionary to Santa Clause saying ho ho ho and semantics in the way somebody is speaking – it isn’t helping anybody. [in mock whiny voice]: “I’m sorry, but bitch is hate speak.” I’m like – you know what? You could burn your calories a lot more effectively by fighting for reproductive rights. By actually writing letters or going and talking to your congress people. And going and fighting for actual issues instead of yelling at me because of my language? I’m fighting for the right side. And yeah, I’m crass. And I’m coarse. But I’m fucking speaking the truth and you know it. And so – what? So what I called my drink gay? I called my drink gay because it’s delicious! I’m very gay and I love this delicious drink! This is a big, gay Cosmopolitan. I love my big, gay drink! And it’s not hate speak because I love my gay drink!
Sounds like other people should develop thicker skin, too. I’m just saying.
SL: Well, it’s just… I understand that words hurt and language – especially for kids – language is very volatile and very dangerous to people who are not mature enough to understand the difference and that you can just let it roll off you. Kids are just, you know, just looking for a tribe. They want to belong. They want to feel loved outside the safety of their home. They want to feel any sense of identity that gives them any sense of empowerment. And that’s why people want to be popular. That’s why people want to be famous. Because they feel like that gives them some kind of power – it gives them some kind of identity that can’t be shaken by oh I gained five pounds; or my hair isn’t pretty and my feet are so big and I don’t look like Megan Fox. It’s like: who the fuck could? Who the fuck could look like Megan Fox? Jesus Christ. Fuck – I’d crawl across broken glass to stick a match in her poop. She’s beautiful. Anyway…totally sidetracked.
Quenby Moone: You went to that place again didn’t you?
SL: [wild-eyed] Megan! Megan! Megan! Call me! No, I’m kidding. Actually, I think girls who grew up super fucking beautiful like right out of the box – they come out of the box just totally smokin’ – I think they have a harder time than the nerds. Nerds get picked on and we’re weird and we’re ugly and we’re fat and we’re different. And we grow up and we get to gather our insides up. And find out what our weapons and our gifts and our blessings are. Someone who is really beautiful, people are always constantly like, “Oh, here’s money” and “here’s stuff” and “Oh, we need her to be here and do this thing.” And that’s very seductive. And it’s really easy to become a complete cunt snatch gash.
QM: Seriously. I’ve had these drop-dead gorgeous friends who were brilliant but who were also discounted because they were drop-dead gorgeous.
QM: And one of my best friends from Seattle, she’s statuesque, brilliant, and gorgeous and one of the smartest people I’ve met. Like MENSA, off the charts and never taken seriously.
Right. And it’s probably really hard to form super close relationships because people…
And have expectations of you before you even say a word. And that’s unkind. I mean, that’s unfair.
One of my oldest and best friends from long ago, who, actually, you resemble – she was a Benetton model. Gorgeous freckles. High cheek bones. Unworldly looking. Golden eyes. Wavy red hair. Just stunning. She modeled for Benetton and was making lots of money and going to Milan. Going to Paris. But she was so smart and so curious about the world, she got sick of modeling really, really fast and at, I think, eighteen or nineteen shaved her head and went to D’sala and walked a bunch of monks out of the mountains through Tibet to India.
And she has this thing and I was like, “What the fuck is that?” She had, like, a rock on a rope. And she goes, “Oh, that’s… That’s how they killed the ox for meat.” And I was like, “And you have that in your house? You’re a Jew!” And she said they gave it to her and that it was just an interesting thing. I was like – fuck! Weird!
That’s punk rock.
That’s punk rock! And then she started writing for Mother Jones and she went to the university. And she just did everything she could – she did it the hardest way possible to prove something to herself and to prove something to the people around. But we are so – as a society – so hell bent on celebrating celebrity. And beauty. And shallow. Because it’s advertising. It sells. It markets. We use beauty to sell food and cars. And politics. And Sarah Palin. “Oh my god, it’s Sarah Palin.” If Sarah Palin looked like Barbara Bush, they’d be like, “Bleh. Meh.”
How do you feel about Sarah Palin?
SL: I think she’s…I think… Honest to god, I think she’s a retard, but she’s a lightning rod. There’s no denying that she has an amazing…some kind of intelligence. There’s something going on back there; because if she were just a complete dolt, she wouldn’t be able to learn all that shit to parrot. She wouldn’t be able to hold a crowd like that. And it’s not because she is so super hot. She is very attractive. But she does have an undeniable intelligence that allows her to…
QM: She has naked ambition, too.
SL: That too!
Which kind of takes intelligence.
It does! She’s got guile. She’s got serious guile. And that takes intelligence. And balls. Because you know what? To be that vilified – and celebrated – to be that divisive and polarizing…
So, what did you want to be when you were a little girl? Besides not crazy?
Did you really?
I wanted to be a werewolf. Totally.
From what age?
From the first time I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. Dude, I’m old. I’m 41. And yeah, I was like: I want to be a werewolf. Because I like wolves. I liked sneaking out at night and running around on all fours pretending that I was a wild animal. And I liked animals better than people. And I felt like nobody loved me. And I was like: nobody loves the werewolf, but the werewolf can go and EAT people. And yeah, they’re all alone. But then I was like: If I could have a werewolf boyfriend, then we could be together. And that would be great. And then I don’t know what I wanted to be. Whenever I thought about – whenever I fantasized about being something other than what I was, it was just not ME. Anybody but me. I don’t want to be me. I want to be beautiful. I want to be smart. I want to learn how to be quiet. I wish I knew how to be quiet. Because people would like me if I were quiet.
Oh, sister…I understand. But I think I’ve given up on that one.
Oh, me too. I’m a mouthy motherfucker and now I get paid for it.
So, you went to college. Did you get your degree?
I got my Associates. I’d love to get my Masters in Psychology.
Do you want to stay in the Northwest for that?
I don’t know. I have no idea when I’ll ever have time. I want to go to cooking school, too.
Yeah, but not the full program where you learn how to manage a restaurant and stuff like that. I want to get really good with knives. Because if you learn how to cut and carve – that’s such an amazing skill. It’s about knives, it’s about ingredients. I’m really lazy. I’m a really good cook, but I’m really lazy about recipes and the accuracy of baking. Baking is such a science that I’m too intimidated to do it.
Baking is the only thing I can do.
I can make pot candy for cancer patients, and that’s it.
Pot candy? As opposed to brownies?
Yeah. Not hard candies. I make…well, she’s passed on now, but my good friend’s mom had lung cancer. And she was very naturopathic and hippyish. And she didn’t want to take the morphine, so…I don’t smoke pot. But because I’m a musician, people think I do. So they give it to me. So I had pot. And I was like: I don’t know what I’m going to do with this. My friend knew this and asked if I knew how to make brownies or candies. And I said, “You know what? I know how to make a flourless chocolate torte. Maybe I could do something like that.” So, what I ended up doing – because she couldn’t eat anything substantial – was I made these Marijuana Meltaways. And one of my good friends in San Francisco – his name is Charles Poppas – he owns a dispensary. He was shot seven times in the back in Philly and he’s quadriplegic. So, he shared some tips with me on cooking sativa – which , I think sativa is the type of marijuana that has the pain killing properties. You need fat to render the THC off of the marijuana. So what I do is I melt butter and make, basically, clarified butter. You melt butter and you cool it a little bit and you let the solids float to the top. Skim off the solids. Then, in a separate bowl, I melt super, super dark bittersweet chocolate. Then I cook the marijuana for a minute or so – not too, too long – in the clarified butter. And then I mix that in with the chocolate. And when you do that, the chocolate, when it cools, will have more of a frosting texture. Like a thick, thick ganache instead of candy. It’ll get firm, but if you put it in the fridge, it’ll really get firm. And then what I do is I lay down Oregon dusted chocolate hazel nuts on wax paper. And then pour the mixture over that and then I put it in the fridge. And she can just break off little pieces. And it helped her a lot. But I can’t really handle the pot these days. It’s so strong.
It’s been eleven years and I still can’t smoke pot here. I don’t know what the difference is.
The first time I smoked pot here, I thought someone had dusted me. It was so ridiculous. Who can enjoy this? Who really can enjoy this? It’s like, you just want to take a toke and be mellowed out. Eat some Lucky Charms. Watch an old Abbot and Costello movie. But now it’s like, “Oh my god! My knees! My knees are GONE!”
So, I promised myself that I wasn’t actually going to ask you for Tommy Lee’s number.
I don’t have it. I have Dave Navarro’s number.
That’s okay. My sister doesn’t actually need to meet Tommy Lee. That’s all I’m saying. No, Kim, I won’t.
Tommy is cute.
But I do want to know how awesome Ellen DeGeneres is.
She is so beautiful in person. You want to know something: I met her and Portia De Rossi when I got to the studio, and Portia De Rossi was eating some shitty burrito. Neither of them had any makeup on. And they were like: We are such big fans! And they shook my hand. And, first of all, I was looking at Ellen DeGeneres’s eyes – they’re the color of your phone case [aquamarine]. They’re just the most remarkable blue. And then Portia De Rossi is just eating a burrito, no make up on her face, and I’m just like: tell me to kill and I will do it. Everyone who works for Ellen DeGeneres is awesome! Totally friendly. Totally funny. Totally hip. My personal impression of Ellen is that she’s one of those hilarious, really hyper-intelligent people who is very, very guarded. Absolutely socially kind of awkward and kind of like she puts on her thing when she’s on camera. I don’t know if she’s writing a book or planning to, but she is probably one of the most frighteningly intelligent people.
I think that brains and funny go hand in hand, actually. So, you mention in one interview that you didn’t want to get more tattoos until… some movie? Do you have a movie deal?
I get asked sometimes to do television and other stuff. I don’t know if I’m a good enough actor to actually do that, but I’d love to see. Until I’m really decrepit, they can still put make up on me and make me look kind of hot looking. They want me to be kind of attractive on TV. So if I want to be attractive as a certain type of character, I can’t have “I’d Fuck Me” across my arm.
Megan DiLullo, Arts & Culture editor at The Nervous Breakdown, suggested that I ask you if there’s a question or topic you’ve always wanted to be asked or discuss in an interview, but never have. And I think that’s a fun question. What have you never told anyone? Is there anything?
What have I never been asked? You know what I’ve been saying lately in my writer’s group – and especially to women? One of my favorite quotes, and I think it was Maya Angelou, but maybe not, is: Man’s greatest fear isn’t his inadequacy, it’s his divinity. So, my new go-to phrase for all of the women in my life who are talented and loquacious and ambitious – who want to better themselves for themselves or for their kids – is: Stop apologizing for being awesome. Don’t apologize for being awesome. You know? When people give me shit for being political, or give me shit for being a ham, or for being popular, or for being pretty… I mean, the hot thing, for me, came so late. I got hot just in time to start to watch my body fucking decay with age. It’s kind of one of god’s fucked up tricks.
How old were you when you got your boob job?
QM: Six years – because you got your boob job at the same time my son was born.
See? I want to have a boob job this year. The year my grandson was born.
Do it. I will…his name is Karl Wustrack. He is in West Linn. He is affordable. Awesome. Don’t be put off by his bedside manner. He’s kind of a crabby doctor – which I loved because he isn’t a salesman. I’ve referred everyone I know to him. Two people I referred were like, “I didn’t like him. He was kind of crabby. He didn’t make me feel pretty.” Or whatever. So they went somewhere else, but they had to go back to Karl to fix the fuck up that their doctor did.
So your nipples don’t sit on top; they sit in the front where they’re supposed to?
Well, it’s just that most doctors will go too big. And when I was writing as Demi Mondaine – my sex advice column – I was writing about boob jobs and how to build a better boob. And I went to a bunch of strip clubs, and everyone who had awesome tits – that were fake – I’d say, “Who did them?” “Karl Wustrack.” “Who did them?” “Karl Wustrack.” “Who did…” And then the Frankenboobs? [funny voice]: I got mine in Nevada! And I’m like: Whoa!
There’s this lady at Mary’s Club who has awesome boobs. And she can rotate them in circles.
Oh! Yeah, she’s in my 8 Miles Wide video. She’s also a semi-contortionist.
She tried to teach me how to rotate my breasts. That’s actually really hard.
It’s really, really hard.
First of all, how do you discover you can do that?
A lot of time in the mirror naked. It’s how you hold your arms. It’s sort of like [lifts her arms above her head]. If you have your arms up, it’s either they counter-rotate when your arms are up. And then they rotate towards each other when you’re arms are down. I have such thick muscles all over my body, my breasts will rotate a little bit. That’s the thing about fake boobs – they don’t have the natural bob of a boob. Boobs bob. They’re like bobbity bobbity bobbity bobbity bobbity bobbity.
Do you do yoga? What is your work out routine?
I do. I don’t do it as much as I should. I like running because I just put on music and I just go [hits table rhythmically] and I space out. But I have bad knees, so I can’t do that too much. I’ve actually hired a trainer who has physical therapy training. And she is awesome. And my body has totally changed. I was like: make me not a meat triangle. Give me a waist, and I need an ass. I have no ass. I have an ass like a fourteen year old boy.
I read in one of your interviews that you recently –- in your thirties –- began embracing the idea of sisterhood. So, I’m curious how sisterhood has changed for you over the years.
I grew up, like I said, not a lot of women around.
Right. You were one of the guys. You probably knew how to spit for distance from an early age.
And fight like a motherfucker. And no one was ever going to overpower me. That was my thing. I saw my mother as weak, and so my idea of what a woman was, was weak. So I was not going to be that. But I have girlfriends from that time in my life. I mean, men come and go. Lovers come and go. And I mean, I’ve had other transient friendships here and there. But the friendships I value the most are my woman friends. Because even if we have completely different walks of life. And we come from different places or are going to different places, we have a lot of similar experiences. And we feel really similarly about certain things. And, again, I’m not a feminist, but there’s something to be said for my good friends being women. I value them now more than ever. And I don’t know if that comes with age. Because, I mean still – if I get some fresh piece of dick that I’m totally into, no one’s going to hear from me for a while.
But because they’re your girlfriends, they’ll get it.
That’s the thing! Like, I have girlfriends from ages and ages ago. We pick up the phone and it’s been three months, or five months, or a year, and we pick up the phone and it’s like right where we left off. I love that. That’s the only way I can have a friendship, really. Because my life is weird.
You are pretty busy. You’re about to go to Europe really soon.
July. End of July.
What do you have going on between now and then?
Oh. I only have to write a book.
You just come up with an idea and then you write 100,000 words about it. Richard Cox told me that when I asked him how to write a book.
QM: Easy breezy. Easy as falling off a log.