TNB Headquarters could not be more excited about this year’s Superbowl.
That’s not entirely true. We could be more excited for plenty of reasons. One of them would be if there actually were a TNB Headquarters. Especially if it was someplace cool, like New Orleans, or Branson, MO.
But, while there are plenty of things more exciting, the game promises to be a good one. For the first time in a decade, the Superbowl is a match-up of the two top seeds in each conference — the Indianapolis Colts, representing the AFC, and the NFC’s Saints, from the aforementioned Big Easy. And both teams have offenses that sportswriters often describe as “high-voltage,” which is a fancy way of saying “electric,” which is a fancy way of saying “good.”
In Vegas, the Colts are favored by 4.5 points, which means that they have to win by at least five points to “beat the spread.” If you’re enough of a regular of this fine literary magazine to have a) found this post, and b) read this far, you probably don’t care about gambling odds. Let me rephrase that. If you meet criteria a) and b), it is a safe bet that you don’t care about gambling odds.
The best player on the Colts is the quarterback, Peyton Manning, a name that sounds like a lesser character from Gone With the Wind. He may well be the best QB of all time, but it’s tough to take him seriously because he looks like Haley Joel Osment.
The best Saint is also the quarterback, Drew Brees. He’s a better-looking dude than Manning, but he ain’t Tom Brady (see photo). Sorry, ladies.
Although there are still plenty of reasons for the football-phobic crowd to tune in. Here’s US Weekly‘s take on the game:
“How’s this for a showdown? At presstime, the Indianapolis Colts (featuring Kendra Baskett‘s husband, Hank) and New Orleans Saints (with Kim Kardashian‘s man, Reggie Bush) were the teams to beat.”
I hope you don’t know who Kendra Baskett is. I really do. (Note: Phat, if you’re reading this, please explain).
And we have occasion to do an Abbott & Costello routine:
–Who’s doing the halftime show.
–I don’t know.
–No, Who’s doing the halftime show.
–I don’t know…and I don’t care!
Will they deduct Social Security from their paychecks, as the band members are already eligible for it? (Or would be, if they lived in the States. In the UK, they’re called — and correct me if I’m wrong, Jedi — pensioners, a term I love). Not that I’m opposed to aging Baby Boomers providing entertainment. But maybe they should rock out a bit less. Or not at all. Put it this way: if The Who plays “My Generation,” they might have to seriously consider changing the “hope I die before I get old” line.
If you don’t know which team to root for, consider this: The Colts have been good for a decade and won a Superbowl a few years ago. The Saints are perennial doormats, nicknamed the ‘Aints, whose fans used to come to the Superdome with paper bags on their heads because they were so ashamed to be associated with the team. Also, they play in New Orleans, and New Orleans has been through some tough times in the last few years. A championship would really boost morale.
In short, other than native Hoosiers, members of Peyton Manning’s immediate family, and the great Kendra Baskett, no one will be pulling for the Colts (except maybe Our Fearless Leader, who grew up in Indiana). I’m rooting (yes, Simon, yes, Zara, I said “rooting”) for the Saints.
Which doesn’t mean I think they’ll win.
My pick: Colts 34, Saints 27.