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Here are my impressions of some of the people I’ve met at The Nervous Breakdown.You might think of this as a TNB “Who’s Who.” (Please note that I’m only listing people I “met” before the “re-launch,” because this post is already way too long.)
AARON DIETZ: Author of Spaceballs: The Prequel.Takes pictures of himself displaying books by friends of his, in which his shirts match the book covers.I don’t mind getting “spam” from him.
ALEXANDER CHEE: “Alex.” MFA apologist. Professor. Literary heavy hitter. Impressive bona fides. Likes the films of John Hughes, especially Sixteen Candles.
ALEXANDER MAKSIK: Did the expat Paris thing.Now he’s at Iowa.I am intimidated by reasons of his male aggregate size.
AMELIA X: My Facebook friend.Not sure how I know her.Through Megan, I think.Hands down, the funniest writer of Facebook status updates.The Michael Ian Black of Facebook status updates.Often “shares” TNB pieces.
AUTUMN KINDELSPIRE: Met her in New York.She’s funny and cool.Her husband is Dave of Apocalypse.Claims she’s giving up writing in favor of editing.Which begs the headline: “Autumn Leaves.”
BECKY: You shall know her by the sign of the tiger.Likes ice hockey, T.S. Eliot, and a good argument.Author of some of my favorite Facebook status updates.
BEN LOORY: His full name sounds like it could be a last name.But then, I used to think the Stones’ lead singer was McJagger.Deceptively simple writing style.Very funny. Has a thing for octopi and other sea creatures.Fellow fan of Arvo Part and Julian Jaynes.Often described as “quiet.”Bummed I didn’t get to meet him in L.A.
BRAD LISTI: Our Fearless Leader and resident saint.Hung out with him in Los Angeles.Gave me a ride in his car (an Escalade).Wound up liking him even more after meeting him.I think he might be a socialist.A real socialist, not whatever Obama is.(Just kidding about the Escalade, by the way; he drives a Prius).
BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL: Lives in Seattle.Pretty sure he used to live in Portland.Seems to like the rain, American Apparel, and indiscriminate scare quotes.His chapbook contains the words “nervous breakdown.” “[P]urpose is the temporary relief of boredom” is a good line.I’m ripping off his template for this piece. Sorry, dude.
BRIN FRIESEN: May or may not be married, may or may not be living in Cuba, may or may not be Canadian.Likes telescopes.
D.R. HANEY: Goes by Duke.The nickname derives from John Wayne’s, but it is an apposite moniker for TNB royalty.When he posts, the comment board lights up like the phone lines at a Jerry Lewis telethon.The 700 Club is in his reach.The only person other than my mom, my wife, and my brother who I talk to on the phone with any regularity.Like him a lot.Hung out with him a lot in Los Angeles.And you may not know this, but I’m a big fan of his book.
DARIAN ARKY: Works for the U.S. Department of State.Writes about God’s female reproductive organs.The two are not necessarily related.
DAVID WILLS: A Scotsman living in the Orient.His tags often contain these words: Korea, poop.Because he hides behind the collage of pictures in his Gravatar, you might be under the impression that he’s not handsome.You’d be wrong.
DON MITCHELL: Erstwhile professor of anthropology.Possibly the only person on earth who maintains residences in both Buffalo and Hilo, Hawaii.Runs marathons.Has great taste in classical music.Knows how to tell a joke. Was supposed to meet him in New York, but I had to bow out because my grandmother died.
DUCKY WILSON: Talented filmmaker.Great taste in music. Can’t say more about her, or I’d have to kill you.
ELIZABETH COLLINS: “Liz.”Went to high school with her.She was orders of magnitude cooler than Yours Truly.In her yearbook, she wrote, “future plans include creative floundering.”I thought it was brilliant then, and I think it’s brilliant now.
ERIKA RAE: Married her high school sweetheart.Mischief lurks beneath her innocent smile.It was her idea to have all the dudes on the site dress up in women’s bathing suits for Rich Ferguson’s birthday.I still feel bad about not doing that, but come on.I wasn’t going to look as good as Simon.
GINA FRANGELLO: Her trilogy about her father remains the gold standard of TNB writing.Hope to meet her in New York when she’s in town for her Slut Lullabies book tour.
GLORIA HARRISON: Winner of the Totally Killer contest, which made me happy, because she is in fact totally killer.Longtime commentator, relatively new contributor.Her first two posts were about boobs and having a baby on the showroom floor of a Toyota dealership.What’s in store for Number Three?
GREG BOOSE: Has the same first name as me, but not the same last name.Met his wife, Claire, via TNB, and is the father of the first TNBaby.Continues to root for Lebron James even though Lebron James eighty-sixed him from his, Lebron’s, birthday party.
GREG OLEAR: Definitely Team Jolie, not Team Aniston.Likes cigars, or pretends to.Talks about Duke’s book too much.Comments too much.Wore a silly hat to the TNB thing in New York.Rocks back and forth when he stands, or sits, or writes—an annoying habit.His wife is much cooler than he is.
IRENE ZION: Does it count as a celebrity sighting when the celebrity isn’t a celebrity yet?If so, chalk up Michael Douglas for her.She’s a painter, a mother of twelve or thirteen children (she is prone to hyperbole), a comedienne, and a onetime resident of Trieste.And you may also be surprised to learn that she is Lenore’s mother.
J.E. FISHMAN: The “J” stands for Joel.I don’t know what the “E” stands for, but I’m guessing Edward.Cadaver Blues is good.You should check it out.
J.M. BLAINE: TNB’s Mystery Man.A character out of Pynchon.Write “W.A.S.T.E.” on an envelope and he’d show up to collect it.But that’s all you’ll know about him.His Gravatar suggests an adult who will only admit to enjoying Frosted Flakes if backlit.A music guy.Comments in verse.
JAMES D. IRWIN: His initials are J.D.I., so I decided to call him “Jedi.”That literally came to me in a dream.He’s I think sixteen years old, and British, so he spells stuff with “s” when there should be a “z” and adds “u” to words arbitrarily.Likes classic rock.Very funny bloke.
JASON RICE: Like Don Draper, lives in the suburbs. Like Don Draper, is a good father. Like Don Draper, does not have an iPhone
JEFFREY PILLOW: “Jeffro.” Starting power forward on TNB basketball team. Connoisseur of malt liquor. Nice guy. When he publishes a novel, I will call it The Pillow Book.
JESSICA ANYA BLAU: Her parents were naked a lot, but she turned out just fine.Met her at the first TNB-LE in New York, back when it was called “Off the Blog.”Great reader.A real pro.Absolutely delightful in person.Is going to be in one of the guests in the pilot of On the Road, the TNB original program you’ll hear more about as the weather warms up.
JIM SIMPSON: Egregiously nice guy. Off-the-charts nice. Big Elvis Costello fan. Has an affinity with James Fenimore Cooper.
JOHN SINGLETON: Hustler of words. WordPressario. Is not in any way affiliated with “Boyz in the Hood”. Came to my reading in Los Angeles. Is younger than his photo makes him look. Has cool tattoos and a very Zen-like quality. Nice guy.
JONATHAN EVISON: Has forgotten more about publishing than I’ll ever know.Has helped me a lot.Knows everyone.Frequent guest at book clubs.Likes beer and rabbits.Also sweatpants and bathtubs.Has great taste in literary agents.Brought me to TNB.In the parlance of True Blood, he is my Maker
JOSIE: Self-styled TNB groupie. Oracle, seer, keeper of secrets. Really likes the GnR design I did for the re-launch promos. I think I owe her a present.
JUSTIN BENTON: Master of observing trends concerning things I don’t ever think about, like rollerblades and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.Used to be my Facebook friend.Used to be a fan of “Totally Killer By Greg Olear” on Facebook.Committed Facebook suicide.Really needs to relocate to a more pleasant part of the country.Looks like my old college buddy Gates.In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually was Gates.
KIMBERLY M. WETHERELL: Talented filmmaker who made my book trailer.The doyenne of the Breakdown.Hung out with her in NYC.Like her a lot.Definitely pro-emoticon. Really a blonde, not a redhead. Hates to be called Kim.
KIP TOBIN: aka Tip Kobin, Lip Robin, Rip Bobin, etc.For some reason I picture him as Brad Pitt’s character in Ocean’s Eleven.Official TNB DJ.
LANCE REYNALD: Likes Warhol and Salinger.Posts cool videos on his Facebook feed, like that remake of “99 Luftballoons.”Enviably photogenic.
LENORE ZION: Heart & soul of this web site.Dislikes midgets.Thinks George Clooney is gross; prefers Christopher Maloney.Tends to be attracted to gay men and vegans.Hung out with her in Los Angeles.Met her cats.Also her neighbors, who are way cool.She drove me and Duke around.She drives like a Neapolitan cabbie.Sweet as all get out.
MARNI GROSSMAN: Vassar girl.Calendar girl.(Disclaimer: I know “girl” is not the accepted equivalent of the French mademoiselle; I use the word ironically).Winner of the 2021 Pulitzer Prize for fiction.Met her briefly in New York.She was very nice. Hope to meet her when we shoot the pilot of On the Road.
MATTHEW BALDWIN: A black belt in some martial art of Asian origin—I get them mixed up—he’s fought alligators, disarmed knife-wielding muggers, survived Katrina, and kicked a sensei’s ass in Sin City.I’d think he was Batman, except the Dark Knight would never high-five a check-out girl when buying Bat-rubbers.
MEGAN DiLULLO: Was never gangbanged by the Lollipop Guild, despite her claims, and thank God for that.Has tattoos and a very nice speaking voice.Once had a dream about my wife.
NICK BELARDES: The pride of Bakersfield, perhaps one of its Lords.Random obsessive.Dreams of underwear.One-man media blitz.Used to go by N.L.Really nice guy, generous and helpful.
PHAT B: One of my favorite commentators.Cracks me up.Once challenged me to a duel because I poked fun at Kim Kardashian.Later sent me a cigar in the mail.Didn’t get to meet him in L.A., unfortunately
QUENBY MOONE: “QB.” Late addition to the team, in the same way Pau Gasol was a late addition to the Lakers when they won the title. Very funny. She and my wife would get along better than Angelia Jolie and my wife would. But all three together would make for a fun porch night.
RACHEL POLLON: Doesn’t post much, alas, but she’s a dear.Would have met her in Los Angeles, but she had the flu.Bummer.
REBECCA ADLER: “Becca.” Book blogger at The Inside Cover. Just back from Istanbul, by way of Prague. Enjoy her Twitter feed.
RENO J. ROMERO: Not sure if he’s really a rock star, but he looks like one.His posts have long and funny titles.Used to live in Vegas, which is somewhat ironic, given his first name.Fan of the Oakland Raiders, unfortunately for him.
RICH FERGUSON: When I first came to TNB and saw his Gravatar, I thought he was using a picture of Johnny Depp.Then I felt like a tool for thinking that.Although you could do worse than have people think you look like Johnny Depp.Met him at my reading in Los Angeles.Really nice guy.He’s from New Jersey (my home state is the Ireland of the USA; we produce artists who leave the place and never return).I’m a big fan of his spoken-word stuff.Love love love “Bond Girl.”
RICHARD COX: Texan now living in Oklahoma.Writer of speculative fiction.Scratch golfer (not sure if he really is scratch, but I like using golf jargon).The titles of his pieces are lines from cheesy 80s songs.Songs I like, in other words.Zara calls him Richrob for some reason.Not sure why.
ROBIN ANTALEK: Fellow resident of Upstate New York.She lives right near the Corporation of Yaddo, but wrote her book without a residency there.Super, super nice.Is going to be in one of the guests in the pilot of On the Road, the TNB original program you’ll hear more about as the weather warms up.I still think about the piece she wrote about her dad and the clothesline.
RONLYN DOMINGUE: Grew up in New Orleans.Whereabouts now unknown, because her dateline used to involve longitude and latitude, and I’m not down with that.Likes insects and flowers. Seems very nice.
SHYA SCANLON: If lit blogs were reality/daytime TV, he’d be Joel McRae in The Soup that is the TNB Feed.I’m jealous of his mustache.
SIMON SMITHSON: Debonair and handsome Aussie who may one day realize his dream of living in Frisco, if not his dream of boinking Janeane Garofalo.Originator of his eponymous “Effect,” or “SSE”.Has so much water in his chart it leaked all over my computer.Is going through his Saturn Return, which is causing him to ponder the meaning of life and rub the magic Uche lamp.I won’t say he’s a clever wordsmith, but put it this way: if he had to choose the body part of any hot actress, he’d pick the Portman toe.
SLADE HAM: Stand-up comic from Houston.Funny guy (you can watch his clips on YouTube).Perfectly named for his vocation.“What a Ham!He Slade me.”
STEFAN KIESBYE: Don’t know him well. Friends with Don Mitchell. Runs marathons with Don Mitchell. Wears a cool hat.
STEPHANIE ST. JOHN OLEAR: Rock star (that’s her song in my book trailer). My helpmate and better half. Singer, songwriter, psychology graduate student. Mother of my children. Hottie. Recovering musical theatre major. Recovering TNB addict. Future plans include Skyping with Zara and playdating with the Jolie-Pitts.
STEVE SPARSHOTT:Londoner.Managed to pull off both the long hair and the short hair look successfully.Makes cool iMovie videos.
TAWNI: Rock star.Lovely writer.Lovelier person.Often on Facebook at 5:30am, when I first check the news feed there.
THOMAS WOOD: Being held prisoner by his cat, who is apparently the Kim Jong Il of the feline set.Quirkily funny.
UCHE OGBUJI: He’s, like, way smarter than me.
WILL ENTREKIN: Renaissance man: chemist, personal trainer, professor, graduate student, writer…I think I’m missing a few.Recent devotee of massages.And ruum.Since he said he loves Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, I keep picturing him as one of the leads in the play.Haven’t met him yet, but will soon, as he is also slated to appear in On the Road.
ZARA POTTS: New Zealander, or Noo Zellendr, as it were.Partial to words that begin with f: fury, fear, flowers, friendship, fuck.Talked to her on the phone once briefly.Can’t wait to meet her and Simon this summer.She’s a doll.
ZOE BROCK: Also a Kiwi.Old friends with Zara, whom she brought to TNB.Also recruited Simon.Looks like a model. Is one.
Thank you for reading this piece.
Also: I know I’m missing someone, or sometwo or somethree, and I apologize in advance.
For more on Breakdown society, hitch a ride on Duke’s stolen car.
Thanks! Key information for newbies to TNB (like me). It’s nice to be able to put a quirk behind a profile pic!
You’re most welcome, Joe. It’s sort of like Cliff’s Notes, I guess. But remember, they are to be used as a study guide, and never as a substitute for the actual text…
Very comprehensive (is that redundant?) and wonderful. 🙂
And it was a Nissan dealership, not Toyota. For the record.
The third one? It’s about the apocalypse. I’m reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy right now. I feel inspired.
Thanks, Gloria.
I knew Toyota wasn’t right, but like Brandon in his original, I wasn’t using the Internet for this.
Nissan Sentra, right? I didn’t go back and re-read, I swear.
Wow Greg. I feel famousy. I keep feeling famousy this week.
I would like to say, for the record, that I wrote some poems, too. Almost no one has read them, but not because they’re not out there.
Nevertheless, it’s basically true. Most of my writing is on facebook these days. I don’t care for that at all.
That vexes me. I am vexed.
Send links to the poems, would ya?
I love the word “vex.” It’s got to be one of my favorites, ever since I first came across it in the letters of Flannery O’Connor.
[singing: “Let’s….put…the X in vex.”]
It’s up there with “angst” in the list of words-that-sound-like-the-things-they-signify-feel.
If that makes any sense.
It does. Just as “hate” sounds like a hiss, if elongated, thus living up to its meaning. Of course, many words sound like a hiss if elongated, but we’ll leave that alone for now.
Links to poems.
Hrm.
Huh.
No. Not here.
Send me a link offline, then? I won’t tell a soul.
Now how am I going to send you a link if I’m offline?
I have an idea. A proposal for you.
Will send it forthwith.
I mean, e-mail it to me privately. Offline, yes, not the right word.
Greg, I’ve been asking Becky for some of her poems, under promise of absolute secrecy, for like six months now. No dice.
Jesus you guys.
I just posted a link to one right on my fb feed the other day.
Which I read, and enjoyed.
Well, see? You’re just being greedy.
Shit, how did I miss that?
It was hidden among annoying stuff you were probably trying to ignore. Like a quiz result and a link to failbook.
It was a shady maneuver, I admit.
I even clicked on that Kings of Leon song, and I almost never click on songs, unless Lance posts them. Been reading about them for ages and was curious. Liked it almost instantly.
It is a very good song. And a pretty good album, too. Seriously listenable, no matter your tastes in music.
Their earlier stuff is different, less polish-y, but equally as good.
They are, like, all over US Weekly. So I’m pleased that they’re actually good.
They’re a little overexposed at present. People are starting to get a bit sick of them. But it’s not a quality issue, in my opinion.
a little sick?
jesus. how many times to people want to listen to Sex on Fire?
It’s like the Stairway to Heaven of slightly-above-average indie rock.
Greg’s never heard it before, so it sounds like once was not a problem.
Sorry there’s no rock-n-roll FLAUTIST in there to appease you.
Stairway to heaven indeed. Except sexy. And less than 35 years old.
I like “Stairway.” Can’t listen to it all the time, but it’s LZ’s best. But we’ve had this argument before, Jedi.
I love Stairway to Heaven. I was just using it as an example.
Becky, if it’s any consolation I’ve sort of gone off Jethro Tull a bit.
The difference is no one will want to listen to Sex on Fire in 35 years. People will still be listening to Led Zeppelin. Music is pretty much dispoable now. Very fad-ish. Downloads etc…
And I did say slightly-above-average. KOL are a relatively good for an incredibly over-exposed, over-hyped indie band (and that’s not really their fault, I guess…)
I love Jethro Tull.
I’m also fond of Jeffro Pillow. I have to add him, too, in the next installment.
I go through phases… in a few weeks I’ll probably be ranting away on why Songs From The Wood is the greatest album of all time.
Right now I’m in a sort of punk/grunge phase, which will probably last right up until the 53rd time I listen to Smells Like Teen Spirit. At which point I’ll sigh and start listening to something that’s the polar opposite of Nevermind.
Something devoid of anger and energy. Probably The Yes Album.
Also: Your wife is pretty rad.
That she is.
Wow – thanks, Gloria – I think you know how I feel about you – feeling is mutual.
I’m just happy be mentioned on here at all – not really sure how I fit in at all – I’m the most unreliable commenter on earth – I don’t read everyone – I’m totally skewed. I come here sporadically – I don’t even comment on Greg’s pieces most of the time.
But, I can say this with all certainty – you’re ALL invited – to hang on our porch this summer where I will make you the best mojitos with the fresh mint that grows wild in our yard.
And then OFF to the jumpie chateau!
She makes really great mojitos.
**resists urge to make childish joke about your not commenting on Greg’s pieces**
Heh
Heh heh
I’m a recent convert to mojitos.
A more refreshing drink I’ve yet to taste…
GH – Ha!
Jedi – We have fresh mint in the yard. That stuff grows like a weed. One sprig will take over a lawn. Who knew?
I make it with fresh mint crushed with my herb roller (don’t ask)
and sugar, white rum, fresh squeezed lime and my secret
ingredient (shhhh) is that I use San Pellegrino instead of club soda.
Of course at the end of the night, it’s tap water or just rum, who cares.
I tried to make one at home.
fell woefully short of fresh lime.
it came out sort of brown.
it looked like someone had shoved a waterlogged lawn into a glass…
Maybe your mint was dirty?
That’s the only way I could see it turning out brown.
Do you have dirty mint?
Is that inappropriate to ask?
I have no idea.
I think it was just very badly made. I had one at a bar and it looked and tasted like a real drink.
All the ingredients were cheap and low quality and I’m really not much of a bartender.
I’ve never even seen the film Cocktail…
Also:
“I think he might be a socialist.”
He’s going to kill you.
Hippie-style.
Like try to hug you to death or something.
Or maybe I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to call him that.
Is this comment, Becky, intended as a parody of Brad’s TNB style? Because it reminds me of Greg’s parody on Ben’s piece.
Well it wasn’t intentional, but I’ve been reading him and interacting with him regularly for quite a while. I am loathe to admit it, but his has become one of the voices in my head. That will give him great satisfaction.
He does have quite a distinct voice, Brad does.
I’m reading Ulysses now, again, and I may have to stop, because I keep writing like Bloom’s interior monologue.
Are we speaking of writing voice or actual, textual tone of the sound that comes out of his mouth? I may have to go back to his podcast. Now I’m curious. TNB Radio is on the way!
Writing voice.
Or at least that’s what’s in my head, if you were talking to me. I don’t remember too well what his actual voice sounds like.
His writing voice is like that. Short sentences. Repetitions. A word here and a word there. Moving along. Good flow. Slow and steady. Building momentum. Deceptively easy.
He doesn’t talk like that, though.
Thomas: you should read his book, if you haven’t already.
I suppose this is where everybody finds out that I can’t read.
I parodied Brad’s blog style back when we were both posting on MySpace. I changed the font and color of my blog to match his and people thought they had stumbled across his blog instead of mine. It was quite humorous.
The style is not the same anymore but you can read the content and see the pictures here. I feel slimy for posting the link, but whatever.
“I think I may have mentioned this before.”
It’s practically a refrain.
Love it! Click the link, people!
That’s my head Photoshopped onto his body in his living room. And I replaced his book cover with mine. Attention. Whore. Disorder.
Again: ha!
Duke.
It’s all parody.
all.
I don’t mean it in a political way. I mean it as the opposite of “capitalist pig.” There’s probably a better word.
I’m teasing you, Greg. And also trying to draw Brad out. It probably won’t work. I think the spirit of the statement is pure and kind coming from you.
That’s only one of the many, many, many funny lines in this piece. In fact, this may be your best piece yet — but I’m only saying that because you’ve been saying it so much over the last few days.
Also, no one can ever talk about my book too much.
I’ll be sprinkling more and more praise on this board as I assist you in reaching the 700 Club.
Thanks, man. There’s a lot going on here, that’s for sure. I just hope I didn’t leave out anybody. (I left out you, QB, but only because you’re new, as stated).
My favorite line is the end of Simon’s, I think.
And we haven’t actually met, thus disqualifying me from the list, though I feel as though we’ve BONDED. If you know what I mean.
Plus, your wife IS rad. Maybe I bonded with her. Maybe I went on Walkabout in some dream and found myself there in New York talking on your porch about Allen Ginsberg dropping trou and drinking to the health of the Jolie-Pitts. That seems like something I’d do.
I haven’t met most of the TNBers in person. I should probably just throw you in there. I was going to, but then I thought I might offend the newbies who I didn’t include. Angela, too. Fuck it. It’s my post, I make the rules. And we are both big QB fans in casa Olear.
Is that Pat Robertson’s 700 club?
QB: OK, you’re in.
JMB: Only if he comments 700 times.
And willingly break my own record? Never!
‘Autumn Leaves’ is the name of a song by the ‘band’ I co-founded last year. It’s word play.
I used that joke in my piece about the NYC event, but I’m using it again, because, hey, why not.
when I have a good line I tend to tell it to as many different people as I can…
Amen. Run it to the ground, I say.
This was like the TNB Star
next to Twix at the checkout counter.
You could do the TNB gossip page!
Probably one of the most interestingly
readable TNB posts
like – ever.
In a way, Greg has been doing the TNB gossip page, 11.
Thanks, man. Gossip columnist would be a fun gig. Not as much fun as programming crappy classic rock tunes, though…
But oh Jesus, Greg, please don’t blacklist me as the cat guy. I insist on a personal meeting to rid you of this catty impression. There, vanity aside (though never completely), thanks for the gossip.
I spent a couple of hours with Thomas in SF last fall, Greg, so I can supply you with impressions for a rewrite. His cat was nowhere in evidence.
I wrote this last night in alphabetical order, mostly, and I was too tired to come up with something better for you. My apologies. But the cat piece is funny!
I see how it is. Just like all those years of grammar school, seat in the back of the class, always called last, always partnered up with slow-to-comprehend Meagan Woods. Bloody Alphabatism if you ask me.
I’ll bet miss Brock and her front and center B never get this treatment.
But no, jesting aside, all this means I just need to do more official TNB business travel until my uncatish mark is made.
Oh, and “the fat one” is reading all of this and approves of this message.
Brock and her last-but-not-least Z, you mean…
JM Blaine prefers
blacklit Cocoa Pebbles
and will also pick up
envelopes labeled
B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.
I do too, actually. I forgot to include that detail!
I don’t find you mysterious, J.M. I know your secret.
But it’s safe with me. If it is even a secret. I have to admit, I find your dedication to this particular incarnation and all its trappings seriously impressive. I want to ask you questions about it, but I don’t think you’d answer them.
Try me.
it should be noted I sang
this like James Brown
Like, why the change? And why the old nom de guerre in the first place?
I never did really understand, I don’t think. But more so, I wonder why the change. I remember a transition period, vaguely, but barely. I never knew what initiated it.
Initiated by an Ambien trip and a goth girl at a fried chicken joint.
Don’t you read his blogs, girl?!
(Lil’ insider tip: his real name is Donna and she lives in Pennsylvania. 13 cats at last count. Agoraphobic but a dang good blogger.)
No no…I saw those…but this isn’t the whole story.
I think it’s cuz you can’t put “11” on a tax form.
Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
These go to eleven.
–What’s wrong with being sexy?
–Not sex-y. Sex-ist.
Is the story
we get
ever the whole story?
12:59
Ack! 12?
This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, “What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?”
Put that on Amazon.
It’s like asking the sphinx for directions.
I give up.
I don’t care.
They cahn’t print that!
You can’t dust for vomit…
Shit sandwich.
How much more black can it be? None more. None more black.
Incidentally, you can give credit to Zoe B for bringing me to TNB as well. She starred in a short film I produced for the 48 hour film festival. About her you should consider adding that she is shockingly pleasant to be around and manages to use the word ‘fuck’ in a way that seems work-place appropriate.
It’s all making sense now! Zoe B and Jonathan are the two big recruiters, seems like.
Kiwis do like their f-bombs, I guess.
She’s a great big pimp – feathered hat, lowrider, glass-topped cane… the works.
Also, she goes upside my head if I ain’t be bringin’ enough payin’ ass back to the crib.
She gots to keep her pimp hand strong, feel me?
(Also: this was another of your comments that pop up in the inbox, and I think, “Where the fuck does THAT go in the thread?”)
Hey! I’m 20, not 16!
Although my gravatar is 16 year old me, because it’s the only good photo available to me…
I was exaggerating. But I really did wake up in the middle of the night and think, “Jedi!”
I know. Am I the youngest TNBer?
I was a massive Star Wars fan as a kid, and I never made the connection. Although I didn’t use my middle initial much back in those days…
I think the new guy from Ohio is 18 or 19. But you’re right up there.
Great. Now I have to find a new USP…
USP?
Unique Selling Point
Youngest Brit? I claim oldest. Christ, that doesn’t inflate my ego by even a single PSI. Oldest Brit. Shit.
You are, Steve, unless I’m mistaken, our lone contributor from one of the world’s great cities. That counts for a lot.
I feel like there should be a pop quiz to accompany this!
Well done, Greg – you managed to encapsulate everybody so perfectly.
I can’t believe you left out the fact that I like to send surprise deadly spiders through the mail, however… That would have made me sound BAD ASS.
Thanks, Zara.
And come now — I don’t reveal all that I know. Some things must be kept hush-hush.
Arachnophobia 2: You’ve Got Mail.
Nice one, Brew!
I saw that in my inbox, Simon, and wondered how the hell it fit. Ha!
It would have been funny to post the descriptions without the names and have a contest to see who could guess the most correct. As it stands I still predict at least 300 comments on this post.
I’m not quite a scratch golfer. Close. My goal this year is to shoot at least one round under par.
I’ll let Zara tell you why she calls me RichRob.
No, Richrob. Let’s keep it a secret. Keep ’em guessing…
Damnit! I should have done that!
I do love the golf lingo: bogey, eagle, birdie, and so forth. For a guy who has played golf twice, and hit balls at the range maybe a dozen times in his life, I’m a pretty decent golfer. I can hit the ball straight most of the time, and that’s the key, right?
This is kind of a comment-whore piece. Oh well.
Zara, out with it.
Some things must be kept hush-hush….
I know the back story on “Richrob,” but Zara would have me assassinated if I told.
I like this. I like the fact that we are making the whole Richrob thing much more mysterious than it actually is. Josie says she has a videotape… Jinkers!
That’s right and right now it’s selling at top dollar!
Or top cent, as it were.
Shit! I’m going to have to buy up all the copies. Is it selling for one American cent or one NZ cent?
I’ll have you know, TNB groupie swag is a hot commodity! I’m cleaning up on the regular over here. Few more Olear T-shirts and Richrob/Zara tapes and I’ll be able to upgrade to a supersized value meal with a side of vegemite for my fries!
Oh I hope the Richrob/Zara tapes become a scandal.
I want it to be a -gate.
RichRobAraGate.
Oh that rolls right off the tongue, don’t it?
Would make for a great bumpersticker!
Josie, do you really have a t-shirt of that?
Also: about the Zararobrichgate tapes, I have one word: YouTube.
Chuh, yeah!
But you won’t be seeing me in it any time soon, toots.
ooooh. I don’t know which one I like better:
Zararobrichgate
or
Richrobaragate.
Damn.
And hey! Youtube: BRING IT ON.
157 comments in less than three hours. I would like to revise my estimate at this time.
450? Five hundee?
I feel like Duke today.
I think only about a quarter of the listed people have read it, as of this writing.
It really is a comment-whore piece. I didn’t consider that, actually, when writing it…
You are going to be the new comment king, sir. Duke had better start preparing his concession speech.
I wrote a blog on the Space one time that had 500+ comments and I couldn’t do any work at all the entire day for trying to respond to everyone. And back in the day some of the really popular folks regularly picked up more than a thousand comments. You’d have to hire someone to work the comment board if you did that all the time.
The thing is, every post that’s ever gotten more than 300 comments is either a) written by Duke, or b) about Duke. (And rightly so). So this one still meets that criteria.
Hitting the ball straight is the most important skill to learn for a new golfer. But you’ll have to learn to hit it 300 yards or farther if you want to make an albatross.
Funny story, considering “birdie” and “eagle” and “albatross,” as a kid I naturally wondered if the word “bogey” meant some kind of bird. My uncles (who I was playing with) laughed at me for an entire round of golf. Every time I made a bogey they would say “Did you make another bogey-bird?”
They thought they were funnier than they actually were.
I can hit it 300 yards, just not all at once.
It does make sense that you’d think a bogey was a bird. It sounds like a bird, more so than, say, titmouse.
I know why she calls him that. But then a really good groupie knows the details to things like that. Like the missing detail of the name that should be wedged in between Jonathan and Justin. . . !
I’m soooo offended I’m boycotting this blog
:^P
Here’s what it should say:
Josie misses nothing. Josie is the keeper of TNB’s secrets. She is like the wise, all-seeing oracle. She is AWESOME.
Josie: what are you talking about? You must have skimmed past yourself. ; )
“Wise all-seeing oracle”
Ooooo, I like that Zara.
That totally trumps TNB’s #1 oldest and biggest groupie.
I don’t know about secret keeper tho’. I kinda already leaked that video of you and Richrob to Greg.
Or was I just reading about something like that?
:::wink:::
LOL – You’re such a pushover Olear.
I love that in a guy!
Someday the view from my phone will reveal my rockin’ TNB T-shirt.
Cuz you gotta have the shirt!
(It’s also my phone screen and gets a lot of attention.)
I’m glad someone still keeps it around…I was pleased with that one.
I also would like to conduct a survey to find out how many people first scrolled to their own entry before going back to read the post in its entirety.
Ha! As with the Sgt Pepper graphic, I forgot to include myself until the last minute.
I admit to nothing. Actually, proudly, I read at least 65% before seeing my own, and continued reading long after my ego was satisfied.
First, Rich? I STILL haven’t read the rest.
There’s a rest?
“I wrote this last night in alphabetical order, mostly, and I was too tired to come up with something better for you.” is one of the most honest things I’ve ever heard another human say to another.
And “the Portman toe”? I’m clearly starting slow today.
I thought of yours in the car a few days ago, Slade. But I’m sure you’ve heard that before.
Word on the street is, Wood is a damn handsome chap. But I felt like I was saying that too much. Then again, we are a good-looking bunch, as Becky wrote on Duke’s piece.
Wait…are you saying you like Portman toe, or you don’t get it? It’s really just there for Simon’s benefit.
Actually, I didn’t get it. Then again, I’m coffee-less at the moment and reading this through slightly hungover eyes.
Portman toe = portmanteau
Really, really, groanworthy bad.
Disagree. It’s genius.
Hahaha, no actually. That’s incredibly clever actually. I clearly should have caught that instead of visualizing “Natalie in spandex” the way I did.
I have no idea why I felt the need to use the word “actually” twice. I’m seriously off to find coffee.
That IS an easy image to get hung up on.
Actually, Slade, you among all of us should actually know how to keep working a joke until it actually dies.
I can confirm that Thomas is a very good-looking guy,having had drinks with him and his equally good-looking girlfriend. (The line through the first part of that sentence is an homage to a comment by Richrob at The Feed. It has nothing to do with Thomas, he said by way of a disclaimer.)I of course recognize the allusion to the Richrob comment. Recognition of obscure allusions is a byproduct of reading Joyce.
Oh. When I got your comment in my mailbox, I thought you were somehow alluding to Josie’s videotape, which, if you know your pop-culture history, could be, and I’m sure is, another allusion to “Richrob.”
I had to strike through that line because sometimes the words get in the way.
Hah. I love how I come off as TNB’s answer to a character in an old pulp action/adventure novel.
I think maybe I need to have business cards printed up with that on it. “M.Baldwin: Literary Action Hero. Tales scribbled, villains defeated.”
Very well done, Greg. And really, not a bad place at all for the new reader to get acquainted.
Thanks, Matt. And now, if you excuse me, I must go to the Batmobile and pick up Backgirl…er, Prue.
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Portman toe…
That put a giant smile all over my Portman face.
Damn it. That doesn’t work nearly as cleverly.
I thought of that last night while putting Prue to sleep. Dad humor at its finest, no? Glad you approve.
It was wonderful. I’m very, very happy that this has been my start to the day.
Thanks, Greg, but I think it’s more like 18.
Uche is smarter than everyone.
I’m glad you mentioned Lenore’s driving. Scares the pants off me. I have to keep my eyes closed.
She’s a very good driver. But then, so are the cabbies in Naples.
You kept your eyes closed the whole time, admit it, Greg!
Have you seen the Seinfeld routine about New York cabbies?
Na uh.
Greg,
You’re wrong about Brad.
He has a Ford F-350 that’s all detailed with flames all over.
A sight to see.
Ahuh.
Here’s an F-350 sight to see.
On the streets of Hilo there is at least one:
lowered F-350 dualie.
It’s quite a sight.
Does it have the flaming Brad detailing too?
No, just a gold chain.
Cool!
(Where’s the gold chain?)
Pink fuzzy dice, too?
Also, Don: am I right that you are “erstwhile” a prof? I thought so, but wasn’t certain.
A Ford F-150
with a Rastafarian
Rebel Flag
& an airbrushed vanity plate that says:
Brad
If I could remember what “erstwhile” meant, I’d answer.
Ah, it’s coming to me. Previous. Former. Yes. I shook the dust of Buffalo State College from my professorial sandals and got the hell out in 2006. Ratemyprofessors.com still thinks I’m there, though.
Irene – the gold chain was swinging from the side mirror. You’ve heard of swinging dicks, of course. This was a swinging chain.
Don, wouldn’t that scratch the paint job?
jmb,
True, that.
Don’t forget the skull-stitched rumble seat under the roll bar with the dog harness for Walter.
Heck, Josie, I didn’t forget it.
I just forgot to mention it!
Good dog Walter.
(I hear he does a good rebel yell, for a dog.)
And he can rock a wicked Billy Idol lip if you put the black eye-liner on him.
Josie,
Didn’t you hear?
Brad had that circle tattooed around his eye.
Yes. The scratched paint job made it seem like a real working truck, you see.
You mean like Petey? Oh boy!
I think we won Brad over on the idea, guys.
Shit! You didn’t have to add me–I completely respect the rules of the draw. I also don’t know anything about basketballs so I’m not up on the lingo. It has heft, and people throw it across places with goals? There is dribbling involved. I do that on occasion myself, so I feel this is a pretty apt analogy for me.
Thank you sir, for your warm embrace. I’m totally hotter than Angelina, anyway.
You’re most welcome.
I figured you’d have no idea what I was talking about with the Gasol. Neither does Steph. This was really an excuse to have Phat come in and explain it.
Pau Gasol is a 7 foot tall Spaniard that the Lakers acquired when Shaq left. He is much skinnier than Shaq, and can actually shoot the ball, pass, and make free throws. Like most European players in the NBA, he is viewed a soft in the paint, and can easily be elbowed and booty bumped out of position. Oh, and when he makes a good play, you have to yell “Spaaaaaannniiiiaaaarrrdddd” at the TV like they did in the Movie Gladiator.
Thanks, Phat. Well said.
I love Phat B. Mostly because he looks like Paul Newman. All his sports mumbo jingo limbo makes me stare dreamily off into space while I think of Spaniards, which is okay but doesn’t really get me any closer to the analogy. Unless there’s “traveling” involved.
But only to Spain.
Gasol was a late addition that made the team complete. And replaced Shaq. There is no Shaq in my analogy.
Also: the beauty of having an “online” literary magazine is that we may go back and add stuff on a whim. Why not take advantage of the medium?
You are. By leaps and bounds. I know this and I have not even met her, or you, for that matter – YET!
And for the record, it’s really Greg who wanted the Jolie/Pitt friendship, not me.
(unless they’re reading this – hi! Offer still stands!)
bad nest! above comment was a reply to Quenby, the hottest girlfriend
that I’ve never met and want to – can we?
Bad nest! No biscuit! Thanks future porch monkey!
We can visit! I just don’t know when…what is happening and where? I need to throw my hat into the funny little NB ring, where people might realize that I’m not nearly as charming and funny in person as I am online.
Wait. What? Never mind.
Oh dear – I know.
And I am a total goober. Greg kept saying in his piece
here how I’m some kind of cool person or whatever.
And let me tell you that I am not.
Whaaaaaattttt?
(actually it would be kind of funny if/when we all meet that it’s this awkward painful situation, like a bad blind date – though Greg assured me when he met TNB-ers in LA and other places
that it was this beautifully seamless transition)
wait – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
oh duh – and I never responded to the where and when…
In June there’s an L.A. thing and then maybe some
people are coming to NYC and then to our porch.
Do you think you’d make a trip out east??
You two will love each other. I can already tell. And Mr. QB and I can discuss history books, and why it is that Billy Joel of all people wound up with a kick-ass drummer.
Quenby, you were in my dream last night.
Well, not really you – but I’m sure it was inspired by this last post, here.
It was actually a nightmare – where we had this playdate set up where we finally met, but you were not nice, kinda like Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl. And there was all of this bathroom stress – like you had a stall of bathrooms for me and Dominick to use – but none of them worked. And then you (well, this dream nightmare you that was really Sigourney Weaver)
made us watch this indie movie starring Kristen Stewart where she’s this pot smoking lesbian, that you made before Twilight. And we all had to crowd with our kids on this old futon and watch it. Sounds not as bad as it felt in the dream – but it was kind of nightmarish.
Now it just sounds funny.
Whaaaaat?
Kristen Stewart as pot-smoking Lesbian…yeah, that works.
I just want you all to know that I have done, like, zero work today because of the recent spate of lively posts on this site, and if I get fired, one of you mofos is putting me up until I can find a new one. I blame you. All of you. Already.
I like 2% milk and potato chips, so please be sure to keep some on hand.
You should have couch privileges at all the contributor’s digs, Beckster – you’ve usurped my groupie status. I feel confident retiring and leaving the title to you. Though, you’ll never be as old or as big as me, sister.
I’m not literally at work, Becky, but I have a mountain of work before me that’s been put off because of TNB. This has been going on since last Thursday, when I start work on a couple of forthcoming pieces, one of which had to be delivered as soon as possible. (It was something of an assignment that’s yet to run.) Anyway, I sympathize.
Yeah, I should have spent more time sending out story pitches today. Or resumes. Or just cleaning the kitchen. But one needs to find one’s pleasure where one can, I say.
My best friend from college owns a potato chip company, so I have the hookup with that. But we only have skim.
Can I object, momentarily, to this “groupie,” word?
I mean, I have a number of reasons for doing so, some of them top secret, but most important among them is that I consider myself a reader who is a member of a community and other hippie stuff like that, so I don’t think I, or anyone, should be called a groupie (unless I am doing it).
It implies that we’re unwanted hangers-on. In fact, we are who this site is meant to serve, in large part.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE. I ANNEX THIS COUCH IN THE NAME OF THE CITIZENS OF TNB. Also all the milk. And potato chips.
I think Josie has reappropriated the term. It’s OK for her to use it, but not me. Hence my referring to her as “self-styled groupie.”
I included you guys in this because you are an important part of the community. Even if you don’t let us read your poems.
This is harassment.
Did you even read my proposal?
What do you want? Money? I AM TRYING TO GIVE YOU POEMS, Greg.
I mean, I will give you money, too. But you should really check your messages.
Sorry…every time I hit refresh there are 25 new messages in my email.
Checked it.
Done deal.
Oh my. You are popular. I had no idea.
I wish people would send me 25 messages.
Okay, only some people.
Incidentally, I have made the transfer. Payment delivered in good faith.
Cool. Give me a couple days.
I don’t get emails ever, but whenever someone comments, it sends me a note, often in duplicate. Hence the volume this afternoon.
Damn right sister!
TNB serves US!
Power to the
PeopleGroupies.Objection overruled.
This is mutiny.
It’s a cat fight! Between a tiger and a dandelion…which is French for “tooth of the lion.”
Nah. Beckster and I go way back to pre-TNB days. Why I used to be one of the top four readers on her
rantblog on myspace back in the day. ‘Course that was before she went all soft and poetic on us. Our tiger is turning into a lap cat.Besides, I think she has pollen allergies.
Actually, I was writing poetry then, too, Josie. Mostly, actually. I just didn’t put it on my Myspace blog because the poetry was my serious writing.
Too pristine and pure for those dingy surroundings.
Looking back at some of the poems I wrote, though, I think they probably belong someplace much worse than Myspace. Like a dumpster, maybe.
I feel like Child Protective Services is going to come here – seeing how often Greg and I were on here today to make sure our kids were fed and clothed and whatnot.
(I assure they were.)
……….(seriously – they’re both in bed now – fed, clothed, teeth brushed, stories read to, songs sung – we can be back here – ok CPS?)
Thanks for the shout-out, Greg. Coupla things.
The E. is for Evan. The Edward guess made me laugh because I just saw Arthur Miller’s A View from a Bridge. Liev Shreiber plays Eddie, a lustful and dyspeptic petty tyrant of questionable morality. Gee, well maybe you were nearly half right.
Also, you and I will meet and break bread when the Philadelphia reading comes together. Are you listening, Liz?
Evan. I never would have guessed Evan.
Yes, we will! What’s a good indie bookstore in town? I think we should do it at a store, like Belardes does in Bako, and then go have drinks after. 20 people at a theatre is sparse. 20 people in a bookstore is a sellout.
Ha. One of the two main characters in my new novel — the one I’m never going to finish — is named Evan. I always liked that name, and now I propose to make it immortal, as if Joel weren’t in a better position to do that. Not that I’ll ever finish the book anyway.
Let’s agree that I’m not going to say I’ll never make Evan immortal if you’ll never again say that you’re never going to finish your next novel. Hmm. On the other hand, I do keep my names masked for a reason.
I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know jack about Philly bookstores, living 45 minutes away (and having only moved down this way a couple of years ago). But I agree that twenty people in a theater that seats 150 is a disaster and 20 people in a bookstore that stands 18 is, well, KILLER.
Oh, right, duh, I forgot, you’re in Delaware. We’ll make this happen. We will, we will.
Well, I had my names masked for a reason, too, Joel. But I’ll agree to your “let’s say” on the grounds that it may influence destiny, and destiny in my case could use an enormous amount of influencing.
I almost married an Evan.
I feel really, really guilty about falling behind in “Cadaver Blues.” I SWEAR I’ll read it front to back when I get it in my hands!!!
Aha, yes, now I am reading (sometimes I need reminders–thanks, Greg).
J.E., you and I should chat re: reading. Different ideas are floating around…but I have to get on that. The snow screwed with me; I am thinking spring is safest.
Thanks for your kind words, Greg, but I have never been cool…
Also, what I really would like is for someone to describe me as “leggy,” since I actually kind of am, if not terribly tall, and I am determined that one day some interviewer shall write of me, “When Liz Collins walked into the bar, every man turned around…” and then I get to shrug it off and say, “Well, those men turning around was not a big deal, believe me. Did you see them? It didn’t inflate my ego.”
Spring works for me, O Leggy One.
You were cool in high school, although I don’t think you were aware of it. Which is, of course, one of the main components of cool.
Finally, a guidebook. I love guidebooks. They are like those maps of the stars homes in Los Angeles. Except hardly anyone buying those maps even remembers Douglas Fairbanks or Myrna Loy to care enough to know where they lived…. at least here, as I read, I had a higher than fifty percent name/TNB piece recognition.
Which might mean a guidebook on how to detox from a serious TNB addiction, yet still remain connected might be useful….
You think?
As always— a pure pleasure, Greg.
Serious TNB addicts would have maybe a 75 percent recognition rate, I’d guess. Maybe more.
Also: Duke will chime in about Fairbanks and Loy, if he hasn’t already done so before I hit SUBMIT.
From “Why You’d Want to Live Here” by Death Cab For Cutie:
It’s where our best are on display
Motion picture actors’ houses maps
Are never, ever current
So save you film and fifteen dollars
Um, chime in to say I know who they are? What kind of Pavlovian ploy are you undertaking, Olear?
I know you know who they are. Most people do. But you will have an opinion about them that I’ll be interested to hear, is all.
Thank you for making me seem less addicted than I am… which I guess would put you squarely on the enabler side….
Yup. I’m the guy in the opium den with the tourniquet around his arm giving you shit about leaving.
I feel like a dork because I had to look up doyenne. Which only illuminates that I am so NOT.
I’m just humbled to be here.
It’s not a word you hear much. But you so are. Long of experience, that is, not of tooth.
Kimberly, I’ll join you in dorkiness, I had to look it up too.
To the contrary: it’s dorky if you know what doyenne means. You test out well on the not-a-dork scale, I assure you.
Oh there are so many other TNB writers and readers I would like to add…
You’re welcome to do Part Two. Or just tell me who I missed. Can always add to this. It’s not chiseled in stone or anything.
Adam, Alexander, Colleen, Dawn, David, Jeremy, Milo, Oksana, Shya, Will, Tony, Tom…. And all the rest!! Crikey.
And then there’s the readers… Jinkers.
Yep… the readers.
Readers. Pah! Transients of the internet, unless they patronize the artists here.
Nuh uh. Readers are the MOST important….
Is that patronize or patronize?
See, you need to stop being nice. We’re like strays. Feed us and we’ll just keep coming back. Oh, and my apologies – it’s “patronize”, not “patronize”. Glad you caught that for me!
Oooh, Anon.
You’ve lost weight. Looks great, did you call Jenny?
You can patronize us all you like! You can even patronise us. You guys are the best! You hear? The best!
Not at all. Pure willpower, nothing more. Well, the cocaine helped, too. But mostly willpower.
I told him/her (her?) she looked fat.
Somebody had to.
Hah, Becky. It worked!
Anon’s new Gravatar = genius.
Anon is a guy, BTW. He mentioned a vasectomy a few days ago. Last time I checked, women don’t get those.
And he’d be on this list, because he’s funny, but he’s also new.
Well hell, if a vasectomy can do that for your figure, sign me up!
Okay. Gender is good to know. Makes pronouns so much easier.
Becky, you did me a favor and I appreciated the honesty. A regular gravatar intervention.
Rich and Greg, thank you kindly.
Josie, I appreciate your passion but it’s not a choice for the faint of heart. You’ve gotta have some balls, let me tell you!
(I’m so, so sorry about that last one. There should be a breathalyzer on my netbook. Damned Sambuca.)
Also: Zara, re: the original comment: some of those people are included in the above (Will, Shya). Some I don’t know as well as others. Should add Alex, though. I live in fear of making people feel excluded.
My bad!! I must have been scrolling through the long list of names to get to Z….
All apologies…
Oh! and I certainly didn’t mean that as a criticism.. It’s funny because we all have different relationships with different writers on the site and sometimes I forget that.
What we need is a massive big compound to house us all. Just like the Kennedy’s. But maybe without the assassinations.
Dang! I knew not having balls was gonna trip me up sooner or later.
We should totally have a colony somewhere. That would be awesome. “Compound” makes it seem like we’re preparing for the apocalypse, which not even Slade is doing.
Oh a colony! Like birds…
I like that.
But it needs to have a swimming pool and a BBQ area with a beer fridge, so Simon and I can feel at home and drink bourbon from a can.
It will have all of that. Plus a hot tub. And, of course, a jumpy chateau.
Fret not – having them has tripped me up once or twice. The reproductive organs are always gree-… Uh. Yuck. Scratch that. Balls are trippy no matter how you slice – Uh, no, not that either. Ah, fuck it. More scotch!
I’m going to go and buy a lottery ticket right now…
303, baby! I should have put down money in Vegas.
Got any tips for winning lottery numbers to fund our colony, Richrob?
Sure!
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
Now, don’t spend it all in one place.
RC – You called it.
Zara – Now we need to name it. If it’s somewhere in South Dakota it can be The Bradlands.
Sigh… great. Something else to put on my “when I win the Lotto” list. I’m not sure there’s a jackpot big enough. And Zara, really? Bourbon from a can (he asked, sipping his Dalwhinnie from his foofy snifter)?
Richrob – They look like lucky damn numbers to me. I’m going to use them for tomorrow night’s draw. I’ll cut you in if I win.
Greg – The Bradlands! Nice. Reaally Really want a colony now…
Anon – Really! Bourbon in a can. Pre-mixed. Much beloved of Down Under bogans. I’ll bring some with me in June.
Before you spend money, Zara, you might want to Google those numbers. You’d likely have to split the pot with strangers if you win.
Well, if I have enough to buy you all a can of bourbon and coke, then that’s a good start. I’ll work on the colony money later…
Interesting, Zara. And not just because of my current buzz.
You know, if SoDak is in the running, I have a few dozen acres of semi-barren land I’ve considered selling. I was planning on using it for my daughter’s attempted suitors once she’s old enough to start dating but perhaps…. Fah! This is neither the place nor the time for land deals.
If I win the lottery, Anon. Let’s talk.
Rich, you, uh…. You got a little Arnzt on you.
Zara: Yes, ma’am.
Anon: What’s your problem, Jumbotron?
You gonna beat me with your Jesus stick?
That show is just about the only reason I haven’t canceled my cable. Well, that and the fact that my wife would kick my ass.
I canceled my cable six months ago. Lost is on ABC, so I hooked myself up with a TiVo. I’m saving $110 a month, plus I can stream movies on Netflix, rent or buy from Amazon on Demand, and watch YouTube.
I don’t watch TV except for “Lost” and the Dallas Cowboys and major golf tournaments. And a few other great series, but those are all on Netflix. Commercial free.
All hail TiVo!
I still contend that we will have the most interesting campfire crowd ever. I’m in when somebody finds the land. Let’s hope Richard’s Lost numbers hit.
That’s it. I’m going out tonight… okay, maybe tomorrow… and play ’em.
“The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.” – Fran Lebowitz
“Are you serious?” – Anon, when told by a former coworker that he was out of the job market because he’d won two million dollars a month prior.
“So, uh… have you already cashed in the ticket?” – Anon, three seconds later and while loading a .45 magazine, since former coworker dropped that little tidbit when they were at an outdoor range… alone… with no cameras.
Anon. I can’t stop giggling. Your gravatar. Oh Lord. Am snorting.
Always glad to amuse, especially when it doesn’t require divulging more mortifying misadventures.
You forgot my “Internet Commenter Of The Year” awards from 2004 and 2009. Now when people introduce me, they are required to say “This is my friend, internet commenting sensation Phat B.” It comes with the title. Like being knighted.
If you think I’m not going to refer to you that way going forward, you don’t know me very well.
I enjoyed your comments about “disseminating without the expressed written consent of the National Football League” last week, BTW.
that was absolute genius…
Love this summary of TNBers!
Do you mean to say that Kimberly DYES her BLOND hair red?! I love her red hair. I want her red hair. Tell me it’s real!
no way! she seems like natural redhead!
It’s true. She posted about it. But of course I can’t find the link now.
No no no. Greg only has it *mostly* correct. It’s true. I was born blonde. Despite that, it is my Superior Preference (by L’Oreal) to continually release my inner redhead.
I suppose if I were to write a six-word memoir, mine would be:
Blonde by birth, Red ’til death.
You did post about it once, right? Could have sworn you did.
I did – but it didn’t make the cut to 3.0. If you check the archives, it’s still over there I ‘spose. I was going to leave that tidbit behind us.
Thanks for bringing it back, Corleone Family.
Love, Michael.
You try to get out, we keep pulling you back in to get your hair colored.
I liked that piece!
Aw. I thought it fell under the category of “too bloggy/not literary enough”
But then again, neither am I literary enough. So perhaps it was fitting to have stayed.
Hmmmmm…..
To transfer it over… perchance if only to keep that lovely Ado(red) graphic. I did really like that…
Sheeeeeeeeeeesh. Okay. Fine.
http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/kwetherell/2009/05/adored/
[claps]
Jessica: It is real. In that, it is the color I was really meant to have. 🙂
Awwwww, Greg. You’re the best. But sadly, I’m not trying to be funny with my FB status updates (aka taglines). That sh*t really happens to me. So more of a series of never-ending tragedies really.
Hugs!
AXS
Even the ones about murder? You’re being modest, methinks.
Of course the ones about murder were complete fantasy–as are the blood stains on my favorite rug. And if you rat me out again, I’m giving you the ol’ Colombian necktie.
Um, hey, uh… There’s this stuff called “Petzyme”, you can get it at any pet store. It’s designed to eliminate stains and odors from pet “accidents” by using natural enzymes to break up the organic compounds. It also happens to work really well on blood, if you should, say, clip their nails too short. Or something.
Now for DNA compromise, you still need good old fashioned bleach but that leaves telltale discoloration on anything but whites.
Just sayin’.
I sort of assumed [read: hoped] that those were fantasy…but god damn they were funny.
Can’t they be both real and funny? ’cause they were to me.
I would prefer it if they were real. So yes.
Also: pls see the comment way on the bottom about your FB URL.
Then baby, prepare to be delighted–you know, until spring comes and the bodies thaw, and the stench wafts over the fence into the Swedenbergs’ yard. Oops, did I write that?
The Swedenbergs are old. No sense of smell. I’m not concerned.
The Swedenbergs are no good narcs. I really shoulda taken care of them with my French boning knife last Flag Day when I had the chance.
Love ya!
AXS
i love kip’s and don’s. i am secretly very obsessed with don. i don’t know why. don, i swear i’m not as creepy as i seem. but i am so obsessed with you.
this was fun.
jesus christ we are all so cool.
It was the Bond Girl photo that did it, wasn’t it? With the balaclava and shotgun?
God, I lOVE that picture.
It makes me laugh just thinking about it. I think I’m going to go look at it.
and THAT is just another reason why I wanted to marry you.
And you did!!!!!
We are the best wives, ever.
You are definitely the best wife I’ve ever had. I’m never going to divorce you.
don is so special.
And Lenore, never has a child had nicer boobies than you. You are the best.
i am the breast.
You are indeed the breast, Lenore.
And Don is worth obsessing over. He is dreamy – both in and out of a porpoise tooth balaclava.
Megan and Zara, I am a proud husband today.
Excellent. Then that child we’re expecting from you lot will be well fed. Hail to the breast.
I’ve never been an obsessee before. Is it fun? Is there any work involved?
You know, Lenore, your package of instant coconut pudding mix went to Erika. The only creepy thing about you is that you didn’t want it. But if you change your mind, I have another.
What that has to do with your unfortunate obsession, I don’t know.
I’m flattered, but why not transfer it to Stefan? Greg seems to think we’re joined in some way, so it might work. You can get to him in Long Beach easily enough.
i don’t like having food in my apartment, don. that’s why i didn’t want the coconut pudding mix.
and don’t worry, stefan already knows i’m obsessed with him. i want to do german things with him. whatever those are.
Uh oh.
I’m sooooo looking forward to that blog, Lenore.
German things are so naughty…so good for you!
It’s quite fun, Don, to be obsessed over. But a word of warning: although I’m not at liberty to disclose the identities of the last three guys Lenore was obsessed with, the coroner could not identify the bodies.
But don’t worry. Really. It’s cool.
I have pictures of his house in Hilo. It’s quite lovely.
Thanks, Lenore. We are all very cool. Also really good-looking.
Ok, your depiction of Aaron Dietz made me snot.
I had totally forgotten about the Books with Matching T-Shirts photo essay he did.
Nice one Greg, it’s cool that you like us all.
Thanks, Megan. You are all so likable.
Aaron’s photo thing deserves a link:
http://www.facebook.com/index.php?lh=3f6fa189bccd1c331f4bce578fd496f0&#!/album.php?aid=116397&id=525688696
Thanks for the link, Greg, and for bringing this up, Megan!
I hope to do as many of the TNB books as I can–I have a stack of books, just waiting for the right outfit, believe it or not. And then sometimes it’s hard to think of things I could be doing while holding the books.
It’s a whole big thing, really, and fortunately my girlfriend is usually available to take the photos, and takes wonderful photos, too. I really couldn’t do anything without her.
I’d like, also, to thank the Academy. And my parents….
what’s amelia x’s facebook url?
Not to be douchey and what not, but I’m not sure I’m at liberty to say. (AXS, am I at liberty to say?)
I can’t give you the url but I know a shrub that looks into her bathroom window. Just look for the long line of drooling fellas around back. Don’t bother with the front, the paparazzi are an impenetrable wall there.
Oh and bring an umbrella. Sometimes she throws boiling water out the window.
No one knows why.
Now Josie, you know I only throw urine out the window.
AXS
Awww you asked this time instead of just forcing me into somethin’ I don’t wanna do. It’s like you’re courting me all over again. I’m going to go put on some Jean Nate and some overly tight jeans…
nm
like
: )
Hi Greg:
What a wonderful post! And you know, it’s kinda funny about the whole Johnny Depp thing. I was once at this Wild Oats supermarket in Santa Monica (wearing my hat and shades), and this guy behind me in line leaned in close, and whispered in my ear: “I just love all your movies.”
I kinda knew where he was going with this, as this whole Johnny Depp thing seems to go in phases. Sometimes it won’t happen for months and months and months. And then without warning, a few people will say something. This was one of those periods. So as soon as that guy whispered in my ear, I couldn’t help but grin.
Then he got this look on his face, and said: “You’re not Johnny Depp, are you?”
To which I responded, “Nope.”
To which he said, “Duuuuuuuuuuuude. I’m so, so sorry.”
All I could say was, “How could I get upset with something like that? Now if you’d mistaked me for Marty Feldman, then maybe I’d be a little upset. But Johnny Depp? Forget about it. I’m flattered.”
Anyway, enough about Johnny. And enough about me. Let’s talk about you, Greg.
You’re the absolute best, my friend. I look forward to seeing you again when you have a chance to once again grace us with your presence. Be well…
Thanks, man. Hopefully will get out there sometime soon.
Ha! That’s a funny story.
And it reminds me that you were also once recognized as Rich Ferguson, but Duke, in a restaurant in LA, if memory serves.
You’re lucky to get Depp. I get, “You’re a better-looking Stephen King.” Swell.
Memory indeed serves. Maybe a month after I started contributing to TNB, I was at a coffee shop literally a block from my house, and the guy at a nearby table looked awfully familiar. Finally I approached him and said, “Excuse me, but do you write for the Nervous Breakdown?” I hope it made Rich feel like a celebrity. Which, you know, he is.
Apparently Einstein’s defense, after people kept stopping him in the street and asking ‘Yo, E, what up with that theory of yours?’ (after his patent clerk and beach volleyball days), was a simple one.
He’d say ‘Apologies! Always I am being mistaken for Professor Einstein!’
Smart fellow, the E-Man.
I have my own equation: E=MC Hammer
AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
Best laugh I’ve had all day! Thanks, G.
no one ever told me my name sounded like one name before. though i don’t think it’s a very GOOD one name name. i’d much prefer prince, really, i think. or snake, or donovan, or something.
i’m not really quiet, i’m just not speaking.
It would be like maybe if your name was, say, David. David ben Louri. It’s a good name, though, as is. A strong name.
Duly noted on the quiet business.
Thanks, Greg, for including me in the line up even though I suffer from Infrequent Posting Disorder.
I love how it feels with so many of the TNB writers, that even though we haven’t met in person, if we did, we’d be friends. I guess such is the power of the word. Word!
Oh, and very funny about Brad’s Escalade. He is probably the only person who could make the idea of driving one okay. Cadillac should consider hiring him as a spokesperson.
Fun to read about everyone!
Thanks, Rachel.
Escalade now makes a Hybrid model. The ultimate it cognitive dissonance. If I ever win the lottery, I’m totally buying one. Will be perfect for blasting my Tupac.
The result of meeting people you’ve never met was, for me, exactly that. Like greeting old friends. After a few minutes, you forget you haven’t actually met them before.
You know, Greg, I think the time has come to change my Gravatar. I picked this photo because… I don’t know. A Korean girl took it about two years ago and I don’t know how she blended them altogether. But I liked it. It’s fuzziness made me look like the victim of some paparazzi attack.
And once I find the time to swing by the US, I’m going to hunt down every person on that list and give them a bottle of soju, a bag of kimchi, and a tin of boiled silkworm larvae. It’s time to reverse all the damage I’ve done to Korea’s image.
It’s such a pain to change your Gravatar. Stephanie wants me to change mine, but I’m so used to it, and it’s easy to spot. Yours is perfectly fine, but it makes it difficult to see what you look like.
I will be on my porch awaiting my shipment of boiled silkworm larvae. Mmmm. Makes a really nice fondue.
thanks for the music props…
and I’m cracking up that the words “novel” & “book” appear nowhere in my description…HA!
as for the photos…lighting and a most strictly controlled environment.
team jolie all the way! ‘cept when I’m cheering for team Steph St. J O.
hey…how’s Pru’s lineup of summer coffeehouse gigs comin? I’ll totally help her pick material to cover.
Thanks, Lance. I don’t think I wrote “book” or “novel” in anyone’s except for Duke’s, and only there because I’m making fun of myself…I was going for more “beyond the bio” stuff.
Prue’s latest craze is listening to “the little boy”: the stripped down Jackson 5 track of “ABC.” When she saw MJ on YouTube as not a little boy, she thought it was really funny. But man, she digs him. Any suggestions, she’s game.
Team Steph St. J O all the way!
I think “nice” is a pretty accurate description of me. I remember meeting you, of course. You read and were absolutely hilarious. But I imagine that meeting me wasn’t quite as memorable. This will go well with my forthcoming post on being a boring person.
Also, I’m pretty excited to be rubbing up against Lenore here. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather “sit” next to.
I met you for all of sixty seconds, while K-Dub was whisking me around the room, and I think it was before the reading, so I was nervous. If I’d talked to you for more than a minute, I’d have a better word than “nice,” I’m sure, and I doubt it would be the one you suggest.
As for the Marni-rubbing-up-against-Lenore, I’m going to leave that alone.
This is so out of hand. I request that the comments be sorted and indexed for easy access. Most important category: Conversations I am a part of.
My email tells me there’s comments, but I can’t find them.
I just slide into the thready abyss and find myself here. At the end. Shaking and weeping. Again.
I agree with you, tiger lady.
It has me in such a tizzy that I had nightmares all last night – not kidding.
Like I need a serious TNB detox, now.
I actually tried to comment to something you said and it “nested” in Timbuktu.
I think that was one of the ones I was looking for.
I remember the conversation.
I know it is near-ish the end…or what was once the end and is more like the half-way mark now. And I remember related comments. I know it must be there.
But when I look, when I get close, it disappears. A mirage.
Some kind of anomaly in the Interwebs or the Stargate or the Flux Capacitor. I am going to have to cut myself off as well.
It’s interesting. Maybe we will actually discover the maximum density of a TNB comment board.
Becky, meet Stephanie. Stephanie, Becky.
We had 15,000 comments last month at TNB, by the way. That approached maximum density, in that it blew the limits of whatever imposes limits on that sort of thing. Jeepers.
“Tiger Lady” is a pet (pun!) name, Mr. Greggie.
I know who Stephanie is. I think she knows who I am.
Geez. Get with the program.
Sorry, I forgot for a minute that this isn’t an actual party.
Damn, there must be a warp among dimensions because I’m one nerdy schmo who never ran with the cool kids. What’s going on?! I’m honored to be listed, Greg. For the record, I grew up in Lafayette, LA. New Orleans is my blood and writing.
Seriously, your profound essay “Soldier On” is part of the loop in my head when I start thinking about violence and evil in the world. Few things stick with me like that.
I would guess that almost everyone on this list is a nerdy schmo who never ran with the cool kids. I certainly was…whenever anyone suggests that I’m cool, my wife giggles.
Thanks for the props on “Soldier On.” I worked for a long time on that one (especially when you consider how long it took to read the Littell book!)–much longer than, say, this piece–and it’s good to hear that it’s appreciated. Both Baker and Littell are wiser than I am; I learned a lot from those books, difficult though they were to read from a subject-matter standpoint.
I very much liked “Soldier On,” as I think you know. I wish I were capable of writing something like it, since we could use more of its kind at TNB. I suppose, with the right subject and enough time, I could do something like it. But it’s not the type of writing that comes naturally to me.
Thanks. It’s not the kind that comes naturally to me, either, which is probably why it took so damned long to write. And I’m of course hopeful that you will try your hand at something in the same vein.
My next piece is going to be about something stupid, like K-Fed. So much easier. Fish in a barrel.
Awwwww. You said nice stuff about me and my freakish early morning-riser tendencies. Back at you, brother. I think you (and your rock star wife) are totally top notch peoples.
Reading this was good times. I love that you and Duke (via The Feed) are giving us personalized glimpses into the world of TNB. It makes it that much more enjoyable to read all of the wonderful writing on this website. Thank you.
Thanks, Tawni. I always enjoy a glimpse myself, living, as I do, not close to NYC anymore. Hence my inspiration for the “On the Road” project, which I hope will come to fruition.
“Have your cake and eat it / But don’t feed that shit to me.” Love it.
That’s it, I’m getting a Hummer with a vanity plate that reads “SOCIALIST.”
And what a View From Your Phone picture THAT would make.
“SOCIALIST” might be too long, though…can you go to nine in CA? Might have to make it “COMM-EE.”
Oh Brad,
I KNEW you’d man up eventually!
Greg, you are the best! This post made my entire week, not only for the kind words about my dad-trilogy, but just because I’m now salivating even more to meet and hang out and drink-in-person with the whole TNB family, so many of whom I look forward to meeting this spring/summer on my tour–and you’re at the top of that list! Keep a cigar for me (ack, actually, don’t; it just sounded good. I like to smell them before they’re lit.)
xx.
Thanks, Gina. I will definitely save a cigar for you. I’ll bring ascots (ie, small cigars), and we’ll get K-Dub drunk so she’ll smoke one again.
This is so great! I’m particularly indebted to you because I was thinking of putting together something like this to help catch people up for the TNBLE Denver. This is how far I’d gotten:
Ben Loory – Likes cupcakes
Lauren Becker – has sexy feet
Your list clearly is the more comprehensive of the two.
Also, if you’re still inclined to dress up in “Bond-age,” please be assured that we would all still love to see it.
Glad to be of service.
I did not know that Ben likes cupcakes. And Laura clearly needs to change her Gravatar.
I’ll add the “Bond-age” to the list…
Also, I would just like to state that you’re right about Uche. He might, in fact, be smarter than all of us combined.
[nods]
Working the other day I came across the intersection of Merrywood and Gayland. Maybe I should move there. That sounds pleasant enough.
(Raising pinkie all foppish-like whilst having a gripping fever dream about pleasant places!)
Heehee.
In the Inwood section of NYC, there is an intersection of Seamen Street and Cumming Street. My wife and I made up a song about it.
That is excellent!
When I was a teenager, my friend had a job delivering newspapers. On one particularly memorable road – there lived a Mr. Rimmer, a Mr Cockram and a Mr Tongue.
Eeeeuw.
I just hope they don’t have kids who marry and hyphenate. Rimmer-Tongue is just not a good surname.
Nor is Ms. Rimmer – Tongue.
Oops. Can you tell I have had a gin? I MEANT to say – Ms.Tongue-Rimmer.
Gin? Not canned bourbon?
Not today. I save canned bourbon for special days…
Ah, I understand completely. I’m the same way with my scotch – strictly on days that end in “y”.
Any combination of those names work. I had two friends in college who got married, and both of them had the same last name — Shah. I was really hoping she’d hyphenate, because that would have been awesome.
Anon – I have acquired a bottle of Grand Marnier…what the hell does one do with that, do you have any suggestions?
My son has awakened me godawfully early this morning and I’m more of a Highland single-malt guy so I’m both fuzzy-headed and out of my element. However, I would suggest drink it, man!! Or send it to me. (:
My son woke up at 2am two nights ago and never went back to sleep. TWO AM!
Greg or Stephanie?
We NEED a picture of that!
(Get on it!)
Ask and ye shall receive:
http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2009/06/06/9-funny-street-intersections.html
Greg!
That is priceless!
Everyone, look at that link!
And let’s not forget Dykeman and Beek – that was part of the song, too.
It’s Dyckman, Steph, not Dykeman…you’re confusing it with that gravestone in Madison, which bears the name LICKDYKE.
Oh my god – I love that grave.
Okay,
Greg and Stephanie,
We’ll be needing a photo of that too.
Looks like you’ll be traveling.
We were just saying, “We need to take a picture of that next time we’re there.”
Ya Huh!
Hey, you can’t spell ‘egregiously’ without Greg! Nice touch.
I think that’s why I’m partial to that word. But then, my name is an anagram of LARGER EGO.
Your name is an anagram for LARGER EGO? God, that’s awesome. I don’t know what mine is but I’m positive it’s lame.
AXS
It is…it’s untoppable, really…and that was the title of my old blog, the subtitle of which (“Fighting the power since 1972”) I’ve modified for one of the taglines here.
Greg, yes, that is awesome and unstoppable, but here you go. Here’s mine, which I think we can agree really rocks: Lime axis math. Hmmm? Pretty…yeah, still really lame. Boo.
AXS
My name isn’t long enough to get any good anagrams. I definitely think HEAD SLAM sets off less red flags though than HAMAS LED.
You’re a wise man, HEAD SLAM.
Hugs!
AXS (aka LIME AXIS MATH)
Slade – Ha! HEAD SLAM is pretty good.
AXS – How about just Alexis Mamith? I like anagrams of names. Vladimir Nabokov wrote himself into some books as Vivian Nightbloom, which is a pretty awesome name, as anagrams go.
Spiro Agnew is an anagram of “grow a penis.” I think this was very funny when Dick Cavett pointed it out in 1970.
Ok Greg, you got me; I’m a convert. Alexis Mamith it is. And btw, I just wrote two nice violent back-to-back FB taglines just for you.
AXS
LOVE the taglines, Alexis. Well played.
Maybe Hammit. Alexis Hammit. One or the other.
GREG OLEAR is also an anagram of ROGER GALE, in which guise I appear in my book.
Well thank you. Nicely done with the Roger Gale bit. And for the record, if I’m not AXS, I’ll go with Hammit.
AXS (Hammit)
Surely we can bump this baby to 400.
I live to serve….
Claimed!
Anon… you son of a bi-
I’m sorry. I could never stay mad at you. You’re far too thin and pretty.
Thank you, Simon. My intentions were pure. And I get that pretty thing alot – it’s why I could never spar or do time.
Thanks, all. I feel like I’ve climbed Mount Everest. And I’m the guy who did it a few months after Edmund Hilary did.
Sir Edmund…
In fairness, he wasn’t knighted until after he came down so, technically, “Sir Ed” never made the climb. (;
He’s always been Sir Ed to us Kiwi’s – knighted or not!
Robert Falcon Scott, then. I’m Scott to his Amundsen. But I like the image of the tallest peek.
I did not know Sir Ed was a Kiwi.
Sacrilege!! He’s on our five dollar note…
Oh.. and the big laugh I got from you Greg, was E= MC Hammer. HA HA HA
Ah, yes. I’m glad you enjoyed that. I feared that that was something of the joke that fell in the forest, where no one was around to hear (ie, the middle of this comment board). Colbert made a much funnier gag with that equation a few weeks ago, but for the life of me I can’t remember it.
Shit. Why stop at 405? Roll on 500…
Anon, I’m getting concerned that you are losing yet more weight.. I think maybe you should stop the diet now.
Well, as luck would have it, I’m about to leave for Costco to stock up for the month… and possibly the coming Apocalypse (if Costco only sold ammo – schaWING!). I’ll move into a “bulking up phase” and see what I can come up with. I appreciate your concern.
I think you should have a tipsy Gravatar as well for when you’re posting buzzed on Chianti. Lord knows I needed one last night (liquor instead of wine, however).
Also, I just saw someone without a Gravatar, and I’m so used to seeing your skinny one now that the standard one looks all inflated and bulbous to me. Hahaha.
Ha. I’ve found myself wishing I could change the gravatar on a post-by-post basis for that very reason. Occasionally sideways, occasionally blushing… if animated GIFs were allowed, perhaps randomly “madly whacking off” for pure entertainment. (:
Richard – Skinny-anon is sort of like an Olsen sister, in that next to them everyone looks big. A generation of commentators will now have Gravatar-image issues.
Anon – You can’t change your Gravatar, but you could change your name. When you’re tipsy, for example, you can be “Alk-Anon.”
Ooo! I like it! And when I’m rambling, I can be “Anonanonanonanon….” I dig it.
Ha! And when you write something random, you can be Anon Sequitur.
Greg, you have a gift. Anon Sequitur = Awesomeness.
Thanks, Richard.
When he isn’t fazed, it’s Anon-plused. And when he tends to garrulity, it’s Babylon-Anon.
I just saw this. Greg, bloody brilliant. LOL!
Thanks, man. This is fish in a barrel. I can do this anon-stop.
And here I was, worrying that I would end up personA-non-grata with all this commenting. It would sadden me to be A-non-entity around here!
By God, you’re right! Especially when I tap into my-a inner Italian a-stereotype!
Anon: That recalls a bad joke made by Mork on the classic TV program Mork & Mindy. He is going around making ethnic jokes, and Mindy asks him if he’s ever heard of bigotry. And he says, “Sure. Like in the Italian forest. Big-a-tree.”
(I’m Italian, so I’m allowed to make these jokes).
Ha. I’m an insensitive prick so I allow myself to make all of them. (:
Why were so many early Italian immigrants named “Tony”? Because their mothers would take them to the docks of Napoli and write “To N.Y.” on their foreheads….
[cue: rimshot]
Where’s Gloria when you need her?
Maybe she left a naughty comment and deleted it? Nah, it would have shown up in my inbox.
Steinem?!? My God, this place does have connections!
Are you Gloria, Anon? Because I think I got your alias…that you been livin’ under.
I really don’t remember…was it something that you said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Anon?
You… wretched… bastards!! That’ll be stuck in my head for the rest of the night, at least. On the bright side, I can start humming it in tomorrow’s morning meeting and see how many others I can infect. Ha.
And, of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t observe that, if everybody wants me, why isn’t anybody calling?
Because you’re always on the run now.
Ack! Okay, this is really starting to creep me out. Both that you guys keep posting these lyrics and that I have at least some recognition of them.
One of the very few things Steph and I disagree about, in terms of taste in things, is that song. I love it, she hates it.
Anon, if someone does call, you might consider taking a lover in the afternoon.
That’s a good idea, Greg. Because I think Anon is heading for a breakdown..
Just checked to make sure this wasn’t the Tiger Woods piece.
Btw, random updates to other prior comments above (and below and around). Range to 500-comment target: 44 comments and closing. Also, I am sorry to report that I managed to pick only one number from the winning sequence in my state’s lotto drawing and a big, fat goose egg for Powerball. I’m sorry, guys. I tried.
Oh no. No compound/colony then???
Not this week, unfortunately. At least not through my beneficence.
Well, Gloria, that’s disappointing. I honestly thought those were lucky numbers.
Hmm. I guess it’s up to Simon and I then.
Richrob, I can’t believe I trusted those numbers. That will teach me for not watching ‘Lost.’
Zara, I am sorry to let you down. “Lost” really is an excellent show. But there are so many layers of reality. Perhaps the numbers don’t work in NZ. You know, because you’re in the southern hemisphere.
That will be it.
Try the numbers backwards…
Listen, Richard, that’s Glorianon to you!
Gasp! Jude, that’s brilliant! I hadn’t considered the Toilet Flush Gambit! There’s still hope.
If it helps, I won a sweet fifty bucks in the lottery two nights back. I put some of the cash towards another ticket and won another sweet fourteen.
It’s a start.
Every little bit helps, Skywalker.
Of course, after Zara’s comment, I’m thinking about revising the skinny-tar to give him decent delts and pecs.
I love you guys so much that I spend all day and all night reading Encyclopedia Brittanica just so you think I’m so smart. Oh…wait…it wasn’t that smart to admit that, was it?
And yes, I say we turn this thing up to crunk (AKA 500 comments).
I knew it!!!! What letter are you up to now, Uche?
Apparently “Bo”, since I can’t spell “Britannica” 😉
Nor can I spell Encyclopædia.
But who cares? Thanks to Greg, I now have the only reference work that matters all the way from Aaron to Zoe.
Did someone say ‘Crunk this thing up to 500’?
That’s the third time I’ve heard that this week!
Third time’s a charm, brew…
Excellent, Simon. You’ve been buying purple codeine syrup in the right spot, then.
To-uché.
Crunk? I love new words.
And I believe it’s a known fact that past a certain point, spelling and intelligence have no real correlation. You’re going to have to do better than that to convince us you should not be leading the TNB equivalent of the Manhattan Project.
“Crunk” is such a great word that I wish it were mine. Alas it’s pretty bog-standard Hip-Hop lexicon. If dictionaries actually have aspirations to usefulness, they’ll have included it by now. I checked, and as it happens, a few of them have started to include it, but only half-heartedly, with some rather appalling definitions:
http://www.onelook.com/?w=crunk&ls=a
Your bst bet for comprehensive coverage right now is TUD:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=crunk
I’d like to offer a more concise definition of my own:
Crunk 1: adj. excited to a state of hyperactivity.
Crunk 2: n. A sub-category of Southern Rap music characterized by hyperactive performance.
Love it, but I feel like a failure that Conan O’Brien of all people introduced this word to wider audiences. I mean, Conan and Richter? How crunked up is that?!?
All right, all right, goddamnit, you win. Should I deliver the concession speech here or elsewhere?
I think we need to wait. We still have to determine the electoral votes…
Also, I’m not convinced your self-interview won’t knock me off. If the maxim is that pieces do well which are a) written by Duke, or b) about Duke, then the self-interview is the best of both worlds.
Plus, if you make a concession speech, I have to make a victory speech, and I’m not doing that, although I am, of course, grateful for people reading and commenting.
and then I’d have to make first lady speech. oh wait, this isn’t an election.
It’s not? And I spent all that money to sway the comments in Florida!
I’ve been known to dunk on people and write stories about them.
The ol’ posterize-then-post gambit.
Greg – you may live another day since this was funny as shit.
Thanks, Ducky. If that is your name. ; )
Egads! A man goes to lunch and comes back to threats of death in the air. And with only twenty-one more comments to hit the five hundred mark.
Unfortunately, it’s all too often “dicks”, rather than female reproductive organs, that are most closely associated with government work. (On the other hand — or in between the other legs — there are at least two words for part of the female reproductive ensemble that occasionally resonate too…)
Well played, Darian.
I enjoyed your FB suggestion about how Russia might greet the Polish Olympians in four years…
Four hundred and eighty-FIRST!
Sorry. I haven’t contributed to TNB for a couple of months so I thought I’d post an insightful and witty comment. However. Good intentions and all that.
I have a rant in the works; an actual essay, which isn’t really my forte. I’m more of a storyteller/raconteur/bullshitter and, as mentioned above, (extremely) amateur video editor. This thing has potential, I reckon. Don’t hold your breath, though.
Rants are good. We like rants.
[holding breath]
I like the fact that they have their own category. Sometimes I’m not sure where a piece belongs (fiction, memoir, appreciation) but this one’s easy to place. Now I just have to write it.
I’ve realised what my real TNB claim to fame is – I am the least qualified, least published “writer” on this site. Oldest Brit, biggest piss-taker. Marvellous.
You and I will have to duke it out (hi Duke!) for that particular piece of notoriety. The only place I’ve been published is here, so we might tie for first.
I can’t compete in the Brit competition, but I might be the shortest American on TNB.
You might have me there. I certainly won’t be competing for the Shortest American crown. Looks like we both started writing in earnest for medical reasons too…Let’s see how it goes, eh?
QB: good things, small packages, and etc.
SS: good piss-talking is worth its weight in gold. Or something golden, anyway.
This was awesome, Greg!
I feel like I know everyone about 2000% better, which basically goes to show how little I know everyone.
It was especially nice for me, though, since I’ve been basically hiatused (I’d like that to be a word, now) for a bit while I was putting finishing touches on a book–sooner or later, I’m going to schedule some time to breathe, but don’t worry, everyone–I do make time to use the restroom (usually while multitasking).
Oh wait, where am I? Is this the bar? What am I doing at a bar? I’ve got work to do! Anybody seen my work?
Thanks, man. There is a link to your FB photo album somewhere in the comments, as well as a bunch of us saying how brilliant it is.
And I know all about hiatusing…I’m on a mini one myself, as I’m hard at work on Book #2.
Finally, we know you use the restroom, because it’s apparent in your latest entry to the Pictiures of Books By My Friends collection that you do in fact shower.
Please, oh please, oh please let the title of Book #2 be Totally-er Killer-er.
I can’t say that out loud without tripping over my own tongue.
Ha!
No, and I can’t reveal the title quite yet, but I will say that it’s unequivocally a great one.
Here’s a picture of me at work on the structure:
http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/admin/2010/03/highland-new-york-243-pm/
Soon, you , too, will be on that porch.
I look forward to choking on cigar smoke in an effort to appear debonair.
To smoke the cigar, you must put down the lightsaber. Although the lightsaber is more debonair, for sure.
[…] of my blues are of a regional variety, eloquently addressed by some guy named Greg Olear. Last June my wife and I uprooted from Illinois and moved to Kentucky. I’ve lived in Illinois for […]
I miss my telescope. But then I just might have access to some fairly good cigars…
You just might…or you might not. You’re a man of mystery, Brin.
Wow. I can’t believe I made this cool list and I’m the 501st comment, which sounds like some kind of airborne unit in Band of Brothers.
Ha! My brother (appropriately) was just telling me yesterday how much he loves Band of Brothers. SSE, perhaps?
I’ve been “sharing” the Media Project, BTW. Dribs and drabs. Better that way, I’m told, by FBers who know.
My kids and I have been watching The Pacific every Sunday night and enjoying the dramatization.
Thanks for sharing. I’m almost to 1,000! Which page of yours do you want me to share? Totally Killer or Greg Olear? I will go comment on the blog email I got from you a bit ago…
A good friend of mine just loaned me the box DVD set of Band of Brothers. Like this week.
I love Band of Brothers!
SSE, Richard. SSE.
My brother has very good taste in such things, so I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
[…] was not as widely read as the one about how Angelina Jolie should hang out with my wife, or the one in which I summarize the various personalities at TNB—I politely disagree with both Kakutani of the Times and Richard Cohen of the Washington Post, but […]
mild hearing loss…
[…]Dramatis Personae | The Nervous Breakdown[…]…