So the Oscars are tonight. Once again, I’ve been snubbed by the committee, all because of the pesky fact that my screenplay has not been made into a movie yet.
I used to be, like, way into this stuff. Every year, when the big night rolled around, I’d have watched at least four of the five Best Picture entries, plus usually a bunch of other, lesser films.
This year? Well, we watched The Hurt Locker last night. It was hilarious! Other than that, though, I’m more qualified to parse episodes of Max and Ruby than Academy Award-approved motion pictures.
And, I mean, shit. Why are then ten freakin’ Best Picture nominees? Isn’t that sort of like in nursery school, how you have to bring a Valentine for the whole class?
I’m stoked that Alec Baldwin is one of the hosts. I know he’s overexposed, and also a bit puffy these days, but I’ve been wanting him to take that stage since the early 90s. (Sorry, Garrett Socol). “Put…that statue…down. It’s for closers.” But then, I really enjoyed when Letterman did it, so what do I know?
I think Mo’Nique is a shoo-in for a statue, because of the Academy’s long-stated desire to laud someone with an apostrophe in her name. Plus, I mean, did you see Precious? Me, neither. But Stephanie did, and said it was very well done, and that it makes our troubles seem minor in comparison. Which may be, but I’d rather re-watch Bruno (like me, snubbed by the Academy).
Meryl Streep! She’s the Henry Clay of the Academy. She commands a sizable bloc of voters, but not enough to win her the presidency statue. Plus, they need to apotheosize Sandra Bullock, so they can do the whole “Academy Award winner” thing when promoting future rom-coms, like they do with Julia Roberts.
The dudes, I don’t know. I bet Jeremy Renner was the best of the bunch, but will they really give it to him? Or will they wait and nominate him again for his portrayal of Hawkeye in The Avengers? And were any of these guys better than Sacha Baron Cohen in Bruno? Was shooting in Jordan, right near the Iraqi border, any more daring than telling a Hamas leader, in Lebanon, that Bin Laden looks like a “dirty Santa Claus”? Did Renner have to subject himself to time-stop photography on his erection?
Nine really came and went. Did anyone see it? Does it actually exist? They should call it Nein.
If James Cameron wins, will he hold up the statue and say, “I’m on top of the world…of blue people I invented on the rim of the Solar System!”?
Didn’t see Avatar. I’ll hold out for the sequel, Gravatar.
I’m rooting for Music by Prudence to win short doc.
And I will hold out hope that whoever presents Best Picture pulls a Kanye West and says, “Fuck that. This statue belongs to Bruno!”, followed by Baron Cohen, in character, planting a sloppy wet kiss on whoever gives the boring Jack Valenti speech.