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To begin I have absolutely no place peddling love advice to anyone. In college I had my fair share of trysts, long distance relationships, one-night-stands but that was less romance and more “young horny people doing it.” There’s no trick to that, other than confining yourself in a small town with an unlimited supply of alcohol and surrounding yourself with people between 18 and 22 who don’t live with their parents.

I wouldn’t say I’ve been lucky in love, but I have been lucky once, lucky enough to realize I had a good thing and mature enough not to fuck it up. I’ve been married for ten years, but I’m not cocky  enough to call that success. Should longevity be the only standard? What about variety? Would I be more successful if like the late Liz Taylor I had seven marriages? Longevity in a marriage can mean many things aside from success in love, such as inertia, you’re too lazy to divorce, or busy enough with careers and kids to bother thinking about it. Wow, that was harsh. Minor reactor leak. We’re fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?

To quote from those masters of the persuasive arts, the infomercial writers, I know my Star Wars advice is effective because it works.  I have seen it. And more importantly the inverse fails every time.

This astonishing advice pertains specifically to men. Though ladies, if you want to jump on the band wagon and woo a mate by dressing like Slave Princess Leia, I will not stop you. But first a caveat. I have been to ComicCon. There are precious few body types that work with Slave Princess Leia: elven maids, dryads and anyone with the special effects support of Industrial Light and Magic. And Kristen Bell. It’s very easy to be either too fat or too thin to successfully occupy the outfit. The outfit looks a little better if you have a few extra pounds; if you’re too thin people will suspect you are actually one of Jabba’s slaves in real life. And they will worry.

My advice is for guys who have realized that they are too nice. You know who you are. You’ve all of a sudden been run roughshod in a string of relationships, your heart has been pulled violently from your chest on too many occasions, women think of you as a friend, that really safe friend with feathered dirty blond hair, a love of khaki and two quirky robot sidekicks.

The Star Wars advice for you Sensitive New Age Guys, those who actually like Ani DeFranco instead of just pretending to like her to get laid (and come on, who hasn’t?), is this:

Turn down the Luke. Turn Up the Han.

Learn it. Embrace it. Become it. (Yes, t-shirts are available).

Most guys who see Star Wars for the first time at a young age originally identify with Luke. He was the ultimate good guy, the farmer turned ninja/priest who could move stuff with his mind. The naive teenager who eventually brings his successful and powerful father back from his really busy corporate job so they can finally play ball together. The last Jedi, who blew up the Death Star not once but twice because come on, George Lucas doesn’t have time to think up new stuff.

When I played Star Wars with my friends during kindergarten recess everyone wanted to be Luke. But as we got older though we no longer whined to go Toshi Station*. We wanted to be the cool space cowboy who shoots Greedo at point blank range. Mal Reynolds, the Sergeant who called himself Captain in Joss Whedon’s Firefly is a clear homage to the cult of Han. The series was not at all harmed by a lack of Luke, and believe me: if Joss Whedon doesn’t need Luke, neither does your girlfriend. Even George Lucas realized the dangerous sex fountain he’d unleashed with Han Solo and tried to take it back, digitally editing Star Wars to make it look like Greedo shot first, and Han shot back in self-defense.

This is not to say that “you should start out like Han and end up like Luke,” because every girl is secretly attracted to The Bad Boy but wants to marry the Good Boy. Nobody ends up with Luke. Because seriously, even though Luke Skywalker is the chosen one and has enough midi-chlorians to fill an Olympic swimming pool, he lacks the kung-fu to realize immediately that Princess Leia is his sister? That dude is not on the lady wavelength and I don’t care if it was a long time ago in a galaxy far away: you do not bang your sister, Jedi.

To the Lukes out there, I feel your pain because I used to be one of you. You’re the guys who fall in love too quickly and too deeply, who pine away then can’t believe that anyone would deign to sleep with you much less go shopping with you for power converters. You are prone to jealousy, your wounded deer over-sensitivity eventually drives them off and you don’t know why you’re constantly nursing a broken heart. When women are with you they say “you’re so nice.” Behind your back they say you’re too nice.

It took me nineteen years to transition out of the Luke costume. I was in a stalled relationship, living with a girl with whom I held a mutual dislike. At a Berkeley Halloween party at twenty-five I dressed as Han Solo, and one night in his big leather space boots made all the difference. I noticed a new girl. We started flirting. There was risk, sure, and it led to more than a little heartbreak. The new girl was who I married ten years ago.

It’s not that you shouldn’t be a gentleman. But if you turn up the Han you’re an honorable scoundrel and a gentleman, you’re self-assured enough drive a shitty car without worrying what other people think. Turn down the Luke, turn up the Han and don’t be afraid to shoot first.

[Nerd Flame Bait: yes I recognize that there are two spellings, Toshi and Tosche, to describe the Anchorhead general store Luke whines about in Episode IV. If you don’t like what I’m selling buy your power converters elsewhere. But don’t give into hate.]

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G. XAVIER ROBILLARD is a comedy writer, performer and novelist. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, Comedy Central and on NPR. Robillard is the author of the comic novel Captain Freedom: A Superhero's Quest for Truth, Justice and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves (Harper Collins), and producer/writer/performer of the comedy album G is for Gangsta. You may entertain yourself with more of him at All Day Coffee and on Twitter.

21 responses to “Love Advice from a Star Wars Geek”

  1. Art Edwards says:

    Such good advice. We need to lure them in with our black leather jacket, then spring our love of Jane Austen novels on them when them when they least expect it.

    We are all Luke, we are all Han.

    LAN!

    Art

  2. 1) That is a fantastic photo.
    2) I am going to buy that t-shirt.
    3) This is very sage advice indeed. Turn up the Han. It’s just that simple.
    4) Tosche.

  3. I think Luke is more dangerous and bad assed than Han is. It was Luke who blew up Death Star the first time. Han only sucker punched Darth Vader with his Milllinum Falcon out of warp drive. Luke kicked Darth Vader’s ass personally with a light saber the third time.

    Kurt Vonnegut wrote that it is usually the sweetest kindest people in the world who are the worst killers among us in his fine novel, ‘Slaughterhouse Five.’

  4. Duane says:

    Another one for Luke here. He’s younger and he can Jedi Mind trick fresh biotches into the x-wing. The X-Wing is a one-seater, just enough room for a player and freak. That’s right fine alien honeys, you ridin’ on my lap. No, that’s not a droid in my pocket. Also Luke uses a light saber which we all know is a euphemism for a penis. In Revenge of the Jedi (that’s what real men call episode VI), Luke totally fucks a giant sand pussy in the desert. Finally, In Empire, Luke is so horny, he totally deep mouth kisses his own sister in the ultimate wincest moment.

  5. Becky Palapala says:

    I’ve long held that there are two basic types of men in the world: Lukes and Hans.

    Along with this, though, I’ve long held that there are two types of women: Luke girls and Han girls.

    In my case the theory was one about attraction–pretty, blonde goody-goodies vs. scruffy, handsome bad boys and the women who are attracted to each.

    I was always a Luke girl growing up. Loved the skinny, blonde, aw-shucks guys. Then something went fishy after high school.

    I don’t know why, but all these Han types took an interest in me and I them. I married a Han. Presumably, as you say, this has something to do with growing up.

    So, basically, I guess what I’m admitting is that my theory was not a very good one.

    • Doesn’t something always go fishy after high school?

    • Gloria says:

      I don’t know. The older I get, the more single I get, the more jaded I get, the more I just want my Obi Wan Kenobi. The Ewan McGregor one if I can be choosy, but I don’t care. I don’t need a whiny boy with feathered heart whose still having his mettle tested, and I’m certainly not interested in anyone who’s all swagger and no heart. Old, tested, established. I’ll take that.

  6. Kerry Cohen says:

    Greg, is that photo you???

  7. SAA says:

    Luke Skywalker was the first man I ever loved.

  8. Robillard, you son of a bitch.

    Way to forget Wedge.

    Everyone always forgets Wedge!

    I’ve been Antillesing as hard as I can for 28 years!

  9. pixy says:

    dear g:

    may the fourth be with you.

    and also with you.

    pixy

  10. Laurel Woods says:

    I love this, so true! I never go for the Lukes at the Comic Con!!

    And I second that about the Slave Leia costume, I’ve seen some jaw droppers, oh boy…

  11. Luke upon seeing Leia in slave costume: Hey, wait a minute! I thought I left my light sabar in Artoo! 🙂

  12. […] Love Advice from a Star Wars Geek […]

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