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The Walt Disney Company has announced a ban on a variety of junk foods that can advertise on the Disney Channel. Nutrition guidelines that will prevent ads include high sodium, sugar, and any food brands owned by Disney’s rivals.

Our detractors suggest this is a cynical gambit, that the company enters the nutrition business to license “Mickey-approved” foods, but this isn’t it at all. Studies show that children who eat healthy will end up living longer, and have more disposable income to spend on a variety of Disney products, such as Eldergarten, Disney’s fun-filled adult themepark and retirement community.

Because we believe in eating our own dog food (right Pluto!), the Walt Disney company expects its characters appearing in movies, books, television, and cartoon adaptations of novelizations of cereal boxes, to adhere to the same high standards of nutrition.

Princesses

The stable of Disney Princesses reflects the diversity of girls throughout the world. However some of you, and we aren’t naming names, have been eating a Magic Kingdom’s worth of chicken and waffles, and seem to think that it’s OK to pack on enough pounds to give Prince Charming a hernia when he sweeps you off your feet, if he can even find your feet under those thunder thighs.

Princesses, to keep you looking your very best, don’t bother trying to count calories. We have people to count, and why would you strain your pretty little princess thought bubbles doing math? If your head gets too big from thinking you’ll never be able to wear that tiara.

To look their best the princesses must refrain from ingesting hopes and dreams, as these are empty calories. They may however continue to enjoy heaping tablespoons of stereotypes as well as sup on songs of longing. Now available as rice cakes!

 

Pixar Franchise

Characters from Toy Story, Cars, etc, will be allowed to pick one delicious, creative, sumptious meal, a feast produced by top notch animators, directors, and writers. They will eat this same thing, reheated, over and over again until it loses all flavor.

 

Characters lovingly liberated from the evil Fortress of Public Domain (i.e. Pinnocchio, Alladin)

Characters who have experienced the long, hungry exile in the sad barren wastelands without copyright protection have suffered a terrible ordeal. As a reward you are allowed to eat whatever you wish*.

*Note that by agreeing to this Disney Dietary DecreeTM and continuing to eat, said characters in effect extend all rights for another five hundred years.

 

Copyright Attorneys

Will continue to live on blood offerings from the high priests of the God Who Dwells Below and cans of dolphin-safe mermaids.

 

Residents of the Hundred-acre Wood

Though we applaud the diversity of background and story acquired here, there is much to be changed in the forest. To be sure, hunny must be cut completely out of the diet, but this doesn’t address the laundry list of infirmities suffered there: Obesity (Pooh and Piglet); Depression/Anxiety (Eeyore); Marsupialism (Kanga). We could go on and on but this is an internal memo and not the DSM-IV.

If you live and work at the Hundred-acre Wood, ask yourself if you’re doing enough to be thin, attractive, and energetic? Are you eating right, exercising and taking your daily supplements of vitamins, minerals and methamphetamine? Be like Tigger you sad diabetic bear.

 

Oversized Rodents

All Disney rodents will continue to eat GMO supercorn, bolstered with steroids, antibiotics and supplements that stimulate ear and rictus growth.

Note that the dietary restrictions listed above will not take effect until 2015. Until then keep wishing upon a star and live it up, fattie.

 

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G. Xavier Robillard G. XAVIER ROBILLARD is a comedy writer, performer and novelist. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, Comedy Central and on NPR. Robillard is the author of the comic novel Captain Freedom: A Superhero's Quest for Truth, Justice and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves (Harper Collins), and producer/writer/performer of the comedy album G is for Gangsta. You may entertain yourself with more of him at All Day Coffee and on Twitter.

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