Please explain what just happened.

If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. But here’s a few things I just saw (in order of importance): a fist, Tic Tacs, a cup, a video camera, a real old dude and the safe word was “taffy”.

 

What is your earliest memory?

Wait, you mean, in forever? It was probably getting off a plane at Kennedy with throngs of women welcoming my arrival in America. Later that night I played on Ed Sullivan. Whatever, I was four.

 

If you weren’t a dildo polisher, what other profession would you choose?

I’d prefer being somebody that soiled dildos. If I never polish another dildo…..well, it’ll be a happy day.

 

Describe a typical work day.

Squat thrusts till noon. Yoga from noon to one. Running from one until three. Lunch from three to 3:30. Classes from 3:30 until sunset. Church. And then a shower and nighty night!

 

Is there a time you wish you’d lied?

Absolutely. Wait, no. Wait. Yes. Fuck.

 

What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?

Dude, lay off the carbs.

 

If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?

Bathory, Under the Sign of the Black Mark… it really “speaks” to me.

 

What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?

ebaked.com.  That’s the only site I check. Like ever.

 

From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?

It’s a toss-up between our Lord Jesus Christ and Anal Cunt. And really, aren’t they pretty much the same?

 

Name three books that have impacted your life.

The Bible, The Indie Cred Test (available in stores now) and The Bible.

 

If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?

This interview. I want to relive it like the fucking Zapruder film.

 

How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?

I know a lot of famous people. That’d be one degree. Or two. Or something else equally as dated.

 

What makes you feel most guilty?

Not taking email interviews seriously.

 

How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?

I scream their names while jerking off during confession.

 

Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind The Indie Cred Test.

For once, I wanted to be taken seriously. And well, here I am answering this email interview, so you know I totally made the right decision.

 

What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?

“Me winning isn’t. You do.” That’s from Caddyshack. It’s served me well.

 

List your favorite in the following categories:  Comedian, Musician, Author, Actor.

Carrot Top.  Creed.  Ctephen Cing.  Charles Bronson. What can I say? I have a thing for “C”s right now.

 

If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?

Saving Private Ryan: The Musical.

 

What do you want to know?

Who farted?

 

What would you like your last words to be?

Seriously, who farted?

 

Please explain what will happen.

Dude, keep your head down. This might get gnarly.

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He is a writer, graphic designer and publisher of the bruisingly satirical Chunklet Magazine. Backed by a staff of irreverent and hellaciously-talented writers, his lethal opinions and observations of the music industry have made him a relentless menace to hipsters, poseurs and rock and roll wannabes since 1993.

His name is HENRY OWINGS and he is the Grammy Award-nominated founder of Chunklet Magazine and co-author of The Overrated Book, The Rock Bible, and most recently, the coffee-spittingly funny The Indie Cred Test - a sixteen chapter blitzkrieg of questions covering topics like music, schmoozing, employment and extracurricular activities (sample question: “Have you ever purchased a book at a record store? Was it of any remote literary value?”). Those who steel their nerves enough to endure this test soon find the questions to be so uncomfortable that their answers are rendered inconsequential. It would be enough to crush one’s spirit if it weren’t so damned funny.

Those unfamiliar with the man behind works like “Is This Guy The Biggest Asshole in Rock?” might assume that anyone with such an oceanic familiarity with hipsters must themselves be one. Not so. Owings is no Absinthe-drinking misanthrope, haunting late night New York City bars with skinny ties and a man crush on Julian Casablancas. Not even close. He lives in Atlanta, where his weekend nights usually find him snuggling on the couch with his wife, his beloved dogs and his newborn daughter. But that doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous.

Owings founded Chunklet as a place to indulge his passions while setting his own rules and creating at his pleasure and on his own timetable. The fact that Chunklet has survived time, trends and cease and desist orders is a testament to the talents and dedication of its founder.

Unlike his first two books, The Indie Cred Test was self-published. Having had his first two books accepted by the first publisher he approached, Owings was poleaxed by a rejection letter from the first publisher to whom he pitched The Indie Cred Test. So Owings returned to his own playbook and decided to simply publish it himself. The effusive critical reception of the book has convincingly validated his efforts.

Owings’ deep understanding of the music industry, its nuances and its blind spots comes from his years of experience as a booking agent, concert promoter, record producer and tour manager. When he delivers an opinion, it is grounded in fact- which can be scary for his targets yet informative and entertaining for his readers. But Owings no jaded insider- he’s a fan above all else, and as such, it is the pretenders and the poseurs who most frequently find themselves in his crosshairs. He continues to obsess over music, attending live shows and championing new bands that he feels deserve his support.

At the end of the day, he finds his greatest inspiration in his wife Sarah, daughter Charlotte and his two Australian Labradoodles Bun E. Carlos and David Lee Roth.

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