Please explain what just happened.
If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. But here’s a few things I just saw (in order of importance): a fist, Tic Tacs, a cup, a video camera, a real old dude and the safe word was “taffy”.
What is your earliest memory?
Wait, you mean, in forever? It was probably getting off a plane at Kennedy with throngs of women welcoming my arrival in America. Later that night I played on Ed Sullivan. Whatever, I was four.
If you weren’t a dildo polisher, what other profession would you choose?
I’d prefer being somebody that soiled dildos. If I never polish another dildo…..well, it’ll be a happy day.
Describe a typical work day.
Squat thrusts till noon. Yoga from noon to one. Running from one until three. Lunch from three to 3:30. Classes from 3:30 until sunset. Church. And then a shower and nighty night!
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
Absolutely. Wait, no. Wait. Yes. Fuck.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
Dude, lay off the carbs.
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Bathory, Under the Sign of the Black Mark… it really “speaks” to me.
What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
ebaked.com. That’s the only site I check. Like ever.
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
It’s a toss-up between our Lord Jesus Christ and Anal Cunt. And really, aren’t they pretty much the same?
Name three books that have impacted your life.
The Bible, The Indie Cred Test (available in stores now) and The Bible.
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
This interview. I want to relive it like the fucking Zapruder film.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
I know a lot of famous people. That’d be one degree. Or two. Or something else equally as dated.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Not taking email interviews seriously.
How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?
I scream their names while jerking off during confession.
Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind The Indie Cred Test.
For once, I wanted to be taken seriously. And well, here I am answering this email interview, so you know I totally made the right decision.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
“Me winning isn’t. You do.” That’s from Caddyshack. It’s served me well.
List your favorite in the following categories: Comedian, Musician, Author, Actor.
Carrot Top. Creed. Ctephen Cing. Charles Bronson. What can I say? I have a thing for “C”s right now.
If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?
Saving Private Ryan: The Musical.
What do you want to know?
What would you like your last words to be?
Seriously, who farted?
Please explain what will happen.
Dude, keep your head down. This might get gnarly.