There was a raccoon problem at Victor’s fraternity at Cornell. Every night an enormous raccoon raided the fraternity’s garbage and made a huge, annoying mess. The raccoon lived in a sewer pipe. Victor always enjoyed solving problems, so he told his fraternity brothers that he would handle the raccoon problem.
His plan was to make a little bomb that he would place in the opening of the sewer, which would explode, making a large noise thereby frightening the raccoon into moving closer to some other fraternity. Ba-boom, the garbage problem would be solved.
(I don’t have any college pictures, but this is his senior picture from High School. He didn’t look much like this once he started college. Imagine the same face but with a really big blond afro, bloodshot eyes and no tie.)
Victor set up shop for his bomb making in the fraternity’s living room. He had an empty Old Spice deodorant stick container made of plastic. He emptied ten M80s of their gunpowder and poured it all in the Old Spice container. Since the top needed to be sealed, he thought that sealing the top with wax sounded like a good idea. He found a candle and lit it. As the wax melted it dripped slowly onto the top of the gunpowder. All was going according to plan until Victor saw a tiny flame slowly follow the dripping wax down into the gunpowder.
There was a large explosion.
All the windows in the living room blew out.
Victor was bleeding profusely seemingly from everywhere on his body.
He thought he should wash off all the blood, so he took a shower. Meanwhile, his brothers called an ambulance. When it arrived the ambulance rushed him, sirens wailing, to the hospital. Victor had copious injuries, since the plastic Old Spice container had exploded into innumerable shards, which embedded themselves in a random pattern inside Victor.
The doctors removed about a dozen of the largest shards of Old Spice container, suturing up those wounds and then quite a few more from which he was still bleeding. Victor’s eyebrows and eyelashes had to grow back since he no longer had any. His hair was singed off above his forehead. He stayed the night in the hospital and returned to the fraternity with an astonishing number of nascent scars.
If you ask him, he will let you feel the lumps of Old Spice plastic which to this day he bares internally in two locations in his right arm, one in his face and several in his chest.
The fraternity still had a raccoon problem.
83 Comments »
I am not sure if the actual story or the comments that followed were funnier!! This is mostly a family dialogue, but I can envision Victor doing everything you said because I continually hear college bomb making stories every time we go to a William and Mary reunion which has been for the last thirty-nine years, and every time it is the same tale. The difference between Ira’s tales and Victor’s are only in the details. Have a great trip and travel safely.