I went to a bachelorette party with my good friend, because it was for her daughter and she wanted company. I was under the impression that they were the similar to wedding showers. I’ve been to one wedding shower in my life and it was quite nice. There was actually a color scheme. Everything down to the plates matched. I was impressed with the planning that went into it. There were balloons and confetti all over, more great treats than you could eat, a big group of family and friends, tons of sensible gifts and a bonus of a really great dog to play with if you got self-conscious because you didn’t know anyone.

Victor was going with his good friend to the bachelor party. I had heard about those and wondered how long into the night Victor would last. (He made it through dinner and then he and his friend left the party to go home to bed.)

We arrived two hours early to help out, but there was nothing for us to do. So we watched one of the groom’s two 90-year old grandmas icing a penis cake. It was big and intricate. Something just seemed out of whack. (90-year old grandma icing a penis cake, you know.)

The theme of the party was “The Penis.”

The plastic silverware ended in penises.

The ice “cubes” came in quite a variety. There were penises with scrotums, naked ladies with huge bosoms, couples frozen in flagrante delecto, and vaginas, (I feel that I should repeat that last one; there were vaginal ice cubes.)

The Party “hats” were paper glasses. The eyepieces were testicles. The nosepiece was a penis. There was a choice of flipping the penis erect or flaccid. People were wearing them both ways.

I thought I had seen the full array of the penis theme of the night and there was nothing more ahead of us but the opening of the gifts and the snacks.

Then a woman came in rolling a crate with drawers and a large case on the top. She was setting up in the corner of the room while the ladies placed chairs in a half circle around her. I thought there might be entertainment, a magician, perhaps.

The mysterious lady asked everyone to sit in a booming voice.

“Has anyone been to a Passion Party before? she boomed, you are all about to find out what a Passion Party is!” She could have been a disc jockey with that voice, or a politician. (Definitely not a magician.)

She started out slowly, passing around aerosol cans of “Irresistible Pheromones” to spray on the sheets at night. There was a tube of “Tighten Up!” There was an advertisement on the side of the tube that promised “It would be like the very first time!” I wondered how that worked.

After the sprays and the powders and the gels, Booming Lady brought out the “appliances.”


“The tip of your nose is the most sensitive spot to test these babies,” she assured us. Politely, each lady placed the vibrating appliances to the tips of their noses as they passed from nose to nose from one seat to the next. Many of the devices seemed almost alive: in addition to vibrating, the apex of some of these also moved around in a circle. I can say for absolute certainty that my nose had never experienced such sensations before.

I’ll tell you about some of these things, but many are just too embarrassing to describe here. There was “The Double Bullet,” (“which equaled twice the fun.”) It had wires with which to pull the two bullets out of wherever you were having twice the fun, when you were finished having, um, twice the fun.

There were “Mini” and “Maxi Bullets,” (“press the button and ring your bell!”) No wires accompanied these items, so I wasn’t sure how one would extract them. Booming Lady didn’t sell an extractor. I looked.

Booming Lady claimed one of her biggest sellers was the “Body Wand,” which never needed batteries, since it had a “cord over six feet long!”

Imagine the lengths you could go.

This one I thought was pretty amazing. It’s called the “Flutter Frenzy” and it is worn under your clothes.

 

I pondered how this one could be used. At work? Would you get your work done efficiently while wearing this? At the movies? Would you pay any attention to the plot? While cooking dinner? Wouldn’t you be in danger of burning something in the kitchen?

There were also tubes that had metal ball bearings inside the jelly plastic. These glowed in the dark, which I thought was an extra special touch, although why a man would want parts of himself to glow in the dark was a mystery to me. I myself have never had any problems locating any part of Victor in the dark. I’m just saying.

It was all quite peculiar insofar as only my friend and I were shocked and embarrassed. Everyone else, including the almost 90-year old grandmas was perfectly at ease with all of this.

After Booming Lady’s demonstration, she asked if anyone had any questions. I asked her if her mother knew what she did for a living. She boomed that her mother did indeed know what she did for a living and was very, very proud of her. (I did not believe her. I’m pretty sure that her mother is under the impression that she sells Avon products.)

The bride-to-be was slated to win a large assortment of goodies from Booming Lady’s bag of tricks, depending on how many items were purchased that very evening. A number of enthusiastic people filed, one at a time, into a private bedroom in order to buy from amongst the products.

I, myself, made the mistake of ordering one item which I thought was so totally ridiculous that it would be a funny thing to show to people. It is called a “Car Pet.” This was an item, which could only be plugged into a car’s 12-volt power source, you know, it used to be called the cigarette lighter. It’s important that you understand that this could not plug into the wall, nor could it run on batteries. Seriously, this item was meant to use in a car! Can you imagine anything more absurd?

 

Oddly, Victor did not think it was in the least bit funny. This really surprised me, since he’s quite raunchy. He says horrendous things in public. Ask anyone! In fact, this purchase of mine made him livid. I had to cancel my order to prevent him from having a stroke or something. It was truly a bummer. I haven’t the slightest idea why it made him so upset. I still think it would be a fabulous conversation-starter at a dinner party. I thought it was hysterical, but I suppose that you have to let the fuddy-duddy partner make the decision about this type of thing.


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IRENE ZION has been married to the same curmudgeon for 40 years. She has 5 children, none of whom sufficiently appreciates her. The one you probably know is Lenore, who frequently gives her mother hives. Irene paints oil portraits and makes her own frames. She has been described as an outsider artist. Most of her paintings creep people out, especially her family. She finds this to be greatly satisfying. She writes non-fiction for TNB and loves every minute of it. She is writing fiction now too, but is too chicken to show it to anyone. She has two golden retrievers who will inherit anything of worth she leaves behind. Her kids will delight in dividing up her famous cork collection and her notorious stockpile of bubble wrap.

209 responses to “Surprise! It’s a Fuckerware Party!”

  1. Becky says:

    Ah Passion Parties.

    I’ve been to a few.

    3, I think.

    I have a hard (heeee!) time believing some of these women were that into sex toys, but as far as creating an atmosphere of cameraderie and general inhibition, I gotta say, it works.

    I mean, you’re in a room full of strange women, handling dildoes that they may or may not purchase at the end of the night. A lot of pretense falls away after that kind of experience.

    Personally, I usually order body wash for my husband. The guys’ body wash smells pretty good. Sometimes some perfume-y thing for me.

    I have heard that some men are adamantly opposed to their wives owning sex toys. Fragile male ego and all that.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Becky,

      I swear, if you could just hear him! He says repulsive things all the time. How did he suddenly turn into a fuddy-duddy?

      • Becky says:

        I believe you. I do.

        But all that trashy talk is a macho thing.

        As is wanting to believe that HE is the sexiest fuckerware ever.

        So if your wife starts buying other fuckerware…well….

        See the logic? I mean, it’s man logic, so I use “logic” loosely here.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Becky,

        The thing is,
        Victor and I are perfectly
        fine,
        um,
        that way.

        I only wanted the
        Car Pet as a joke.
        But he just didn’t think it was funny
        and was a waste of money.

      • Tom Hansen says:

        Some people are all talk

    • Richard Cox says:

      “I have heard that some men are adamantly opposed to their wives owning sex toys.”

      I will never understand this foolhardy position.

      • Becky says:

        Well, Richard, you are young and hip and fuckerware friendly.

        Some men are still stuck on fuckerfoil.

        Fuckerbutcherspaper.

        • Irene Zion says:

          “fuckerfoil?”
          “fuckerbutcherspaper?”
          Becky, sometimes I do not understand a thing you say.

        • Becky says:

          Tupperware

          vs.

          Tinfoil

          and

          Butchers’ paper

        • Becky says:

          Technology vs. old standards.

        • Richard Cox says:

          But even younger guys can be disturbed by it. Instead of looking at it as competing experience, they should think of it has a complementing experience.

        • Gloria says:

          Some men like to blame vibrators on a decrease in marital sex. Projecting dysfunction onto a sex toy.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Boys, Becky,

          I’m really tired today, been up since 2 am, snuggled with Victor, then did the treadmill, then went swimming, worked out with my trainer, painted most of the day, went to the Post Office, I forget what all else.
          I finally understood when you made the equation.
          Technology vs. old standards.
          That’s probably it.
          Victor’s old school.
          We just do stuff the old fashioned way.
          No room for joking around in the old fashioned way, I suppose.

        • Cheryl says:

          @ Gloria – That’s just funny.

          @Richard – Carry on, Oh Enlightened One. Teach the young ones not to fear the almighty vibrator.

          @Becky – Heh. Fuckerfoil. This whole discussion kind of reminds me of “Road to Wellville” and “womb manipulation”.

        • Becky Palapala says:

          God, I love that movie.

        • Cheryl says:

          Me too, but I haven’t seen it ages!

        • Irene Zion says:

          @Cheryl,
          I’ve never heard of those movies!

        • Cheryl says:

          “Road to Wellville” is a must rent. And it is only one movie, but “womb manipulation” is a reference to that movie. It’s a little zany, and as a footnote features the birth of corn flakes. It also features Sir Anthony Hopkins as Mr. Kellogg.

          And if those tidbits don’t cause you to run out and rent it right now, I don’t know what will!

        • Becky Palapala says:

          It’s hysterically, darkly, uncomfortably funny, Irene. I am absolutely certain you’ll love it.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Ricardo,
        I do not understand this either, not one bit!

      • Irene Zion says:

        Richard,

        In MY case,
        I didn’t want it
        or need it
        as a sex toy.

        I wanted it
        actually needed it
        as a joke.

        We’re having a dinner party tonight
        and I don’t have a Car Pet
        to show them!
        That pisses me off.
        Cause it would’ve been funny.
        It really would have been.

  2. Gloria says:

    Did Irene just write the word fuck?

    • Becky says:

      The title is the best.

      I’m co-opting it for all future fuckerware events.

      “Oh! A fuckerware party!”

      Then all my friends will think I’m a hilarious genius.

      And I’ll want to give Irene credit, but I won’t be able to because otherwise I’d have to explain my internets friends.

      • Gloria says:

        which is a bit like admitting to imaginary friends – or at least that’s how it perceived to the unenlightened

      • Irene Zion says:

        Ooooh, Becky,

        Are you keeping us secret?

        How come?

        • Becky says:

          Well, no.

          But I’m not sure, “My internet friend says…” is the place to go at a fuckerware party.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Here all this time, Becky, I thought we were all real.
          I’m sort of disappointed.

        • Becky says:

          You are. You are.

          But “who’s Irene?” will surface, and I’ll have to tell them.

          And while I know you’re real, to them, you are imaginary.

        • Gloria says:

          Oh, Irene. You missed the big debate on this very subject that the sneaky Justin Benton roped us all into on ARIELLE BERNSTEIN’s premier post.

          I think you’re real, Irene. I totally believe it.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Darn, Gloria,
          I guess I missed that one.
          I’m too tired now, but I’ll read it after I wake up.
          I’m always missing cool stuff when I don’t get enough sleep.
          Stupid brain just will not turn off when it should!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Gloria,
          None of my responses to comments are nesting under the comment,
          so this looks like a bunch of psychos writing randomly and not to each other!
          That vaginal ice cube comment of yours?
          I answered it and it showed up two comments down,
          so I don’t know if you know I answered you.

          Also, I couldn’t answer your comment about imaginary friends because there was no place to comment under it. I find this frustrating.
          I see what you mean, though.
          When I tell someone something about one of you writers and what you said
          they look at me differently than if you lived next door,
          at least those who do not use the internet as we do.

          You have to remember my age.
          Most of my friends think I’m looney
          for just that reason…I have “imaginary” friends.
          Because I can’t drive over for coffee with you,
          you aren’t truly a real person to them.

          Ah well,
          Their loss.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Na uh, Gloria!
      I said “Fuckerware.”
      Completely different!

      • Erika Rae says:

        Gloria: Irene called me a ‘bitch’ once. Does that count?

        (And I love her madly for it.)

        • Gloria says:

          Was she being facetious? She couldn’t possibly have meant it with any amount of seriousness. Not only is she as sanguine and sage as a person can be without doing exercises in a sauna, but you’re twelve kinds of neat-o. 🙂

        • Irene Zion says:

          So, Erika Rae,

          Can you remember the circumstances?
          I forget,
          but I barely knew you at the time
          and I remember biting my nails
          because I was afraid you wouldn’t realize
          it was a joke.

          It took forever for you to respond,
          but, of course, you are too sharp not to get a joke.

          (My kids say I go too far.
          They’re probably right,
          but, oh well.)

        • Irene Zion says:

          Erika Rae IS 12 kinds of neat-o, Gloria!

          The fact that you called me sanguine and sage is delightful to me.
          I’m going to learn to cross-stitch and put that on a pillow and sign your name!

          (Then maybe the men in the white coats will see it and not cart me off to the funny farm.)

        • Zara Potts says:

          I totally believe you, Erika! Irene called me a whore on twitter once!!

        • Erika Rae says:

          I wish I could remember which post it’s in. It was fabulous, whatever the case. It may just be that it was the same day I asked her to be my TNB mommy (I’ve always loved to be verbally abused). At any rate, Gloria, yes of course she was teasing.

          High five, Zara!

        • Zara Potts says:

          Five for you right now, sweet thing!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Zara,
          I don’t remember calling you a whore,
          but I only use those epithets for those I love,
          so it’s entirely plausible that I did it.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Erika Rae,

          It wasn’t then.
          We were having an exchange and that’s how I ended it, I think.
          Now I have to go back and read everything you wrote!
          I have a dinner party tonight!
          I don’t have time!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Gloria,

      I addressed this down below,
      but just to show you an example, Gloria,

      my response to your asking if I just wrote the word
      you-know-what
      is fifteen comments below your comment.

      It’s hard to hold a conversation if you are not
      consistently at the keyboard,
      which regular people can’t do
      because they have stuff to do!

      (Which I thing proves we are not virtual.)

  3. Richard Cox says:

    Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Hahahahahahahaha.

    Hahahaha.

    Ha.

    Ha.

    Ha.

    Choice lines:

    “I thought I had seen the full array of the penis theme of the night and there was nothing more ahead of us but the opening of the gifts and the snacks.”

    “Many of the devices seemed almost alive.”

    “It had wires with which to pull the two bullets out of wherever you were having twice the fun, when you were finished having, um, twice the fun.”

    “I myself have never had any problems locating any part of Victor in the dark.”

    “It’s important that you understand that this could not plug into the wall, nor could it run on batteries. Seriously, this item was meant to use in a car!”

    Irene, this is the all-time funniest post I have ever read on TNB. This includes posts by comedians. Nothing against my good friend who is a comedian.

    Lenore, you must be so proud of your mother. This post is the awesomeness.

    Baaaahahahahahahahahahaaaa!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Ricardo,

      You think this is funny?
      We were mortified!

      • Richard Cox says:

        Not to mention that in your Gravatar you are wielding a pinkish lightsaber Photoshopped by none other than yours truly.

        I can’t conceive of how a post could be better than this.

        • Jude says:

          Richard – you must have psychically known this post was coming up…

        • Irene Zion says:

          Ricardo, my dove,
          I thought that was a secret!
          Here I’ve been keeping mum about it all this time,
          and there you go, Ricky,
          and blurt it out!
          Humph!

        • Richard Cox says:

          I never knew it was a secret! I mean it was either Slade or me, right?

          Well either way there was never a better time to reveal than this post.

          Hooray!

        • Irene Zion says:

          You are a sneaky little devil, Richard Cox!
          (And awfully good with a keyboard and some know-how.)

        • Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

          Coxy (I feel kinda dirty using your last name on this particular post…), what was I saying? Oh yeah, so you are responsible for bringing The Force to TNB!? I was wondering who photoshopped those light sabers.

        • Richard Cox says:

          LRC, it was a combination effort between Slade and me, actually. The Force is strong with us.

          The two best ones I made were Gloria’s (in a dress, dancing) and Irene’s. For Irene’s I had to remove a giant dog and a sidewalk and a park and a chain link fence, and in its place I put the double sunset of Tatooine.

          The dog was taller than Irene!

        • Gloria says:

          That’s a really, really, really, really great photo. I love it so much.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Lisa Rae?

          That’s Dick Cox, just saying.

          He is really amazing, I would show you the original picture, which, by the way, was also in reverse. He also put long hair where the huge Great Dane’s paws were!

          It was masterful work!

    • Gloria says:

      “Imagine the lengths you could go.” <— also really great

      That car accessory – does the car have to be running for it to work? Does it only work at certain speeds? I totally understand your fascination with it.

      Hilarious.

  4. Jude says:

    Love the photo of the penis cake! And what about the two 90 year old grannies…? Hilarious!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Jude,

      You should have seen them dancing.
      They had no idea that they were too old for this stuff!

      • Jude says:

        You know what they say – you’re only as old as you feel…

        Oh I bet they had fun icing that cake!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Jude,

          They iced that cake like it was a normal, run-of-the-mill round chocolate cake.
          I swear!
          Like it wasn’t a veiny penis at all!
          It was creepy weird.

  5. Christine W. says:

    This was the classiest description of a Passion Party I’ve ever heard. I mean that with all seriousness. I need to show this to everyone I know!

    I’ve been to several of these parties but none with a penis cake. One time for my birthday, a few of Nick’s shipmates went and bribed some teenagers at a Dairy Queen to put an enormous cock and balls, complete with frightening gel pubes. It was the best birthday ever. I’ll never forget it!

    I agree with every line chosen by Richard. This is amazing. I’m thinking I need to print it and carry it with me for reference.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Christine,

      You got pubes on yours?
      I am seriously impressed with Nick.
      What a guy!
      I’ll bet it cost him plenty to bribe those kids,
      since if they got caught, I’ll bet they would’ve been fired.

      When are you going to cross the country, Christine?
      You’re almost as far away as you were before!

      • Irene Zion says:

        I just want to tell everyone
        that I received a photo
        of Christine’s
        cake,
        and it does
        indeed
        have
        gel pubic hair
        on the testicles.

        For real.

    • Christine W. says:

      OF COURSE I meant to say put the cock and balls on the CAKE. But I left that off. I guess that was an incomplete thought due to lack of food.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Christine,
      It is obvious you are talking about a cake here, since you mention it in the first sentence.
      What else would Dairy Queen make that was “an enormous cock and balls, complete with frightening gel pubes.”?

      (Brad, it was a quote! I can’t put the question mark inside or it will appear that her quote was a question.
      How would YOU handle it? You make me so nervous!)

      • Christine W. says:

        I still have to reference back to books about grammar and placement of commas (I’m a serial abuser of the comma) and many other things I probably do wrong with English. I’m sure I won’t be on my deathbed worrying about that time I put a comma in the wrong place or used “an” instead of “a.”

        • Irene Zion says:

          Christine!

          Thank you for finding that news story. I was able to put the link up at the bottom down there⇓⇓⇓⇓

  6. Rachel Pollon says:

    “i thought there might be a magician, perhaps.” Oh my gosh, so funny.

    This post made me think you should have a column. Your point of view and your voice are always so fun and sweet and I just want to hang out with you.

    That vein on the penis cake is freaking me out.

    Rxo

    • Irene Zion says:

      Rachel,

      I did think she was a magician.
      She had the whole case thing going and all.
      I had never heard of such a thing, Rachel, as a “Passion Party.”

      Yeah.
      The cake,
      It creeped me out too.

      I’d love to have a column, but I’m so scattered, what ever could it be entitled?

  7. Rachel Pollon says:

    Also, love the title and just, you know, ten thousand other lines I didn’t mention.

  8. Awesome. Totally.

    And: “I have heard that some men are adamantly opposed to their wives owning sex toys. Fragile male ego and all that.”

    That’s because most men have yet to realize fuckerware is just our sidekick.

    Oh, the fun…

    • Irene Zion says:

      I think that
      you are awesome, Will.

      We just ate at Douglas Rodriguez’ restaurant, Cuba, here in Miami Beach, and all the servers had hats on like yours.
      So.
      Very.
      Cool.

  9. Stephanie says:

    Haha. Victor reminds me of my boyfriend, someone with a crude sense of humor but not being able to understand the hilariousness of a sex toy.

    That party sounded like a disgustingly hilarious time.
    I can’t wait to go and experience this…hopefully one day.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Stephanie,

      The Car Pet was only a joke.

      No one could ever use it, or they’d run off the road into a ditch or crash into another car!

      It’s ridiculous!

      You’re better off having a sensible party where they give sensible presents you actually need.

  10. Kate says:

    I’ve never heard of a mother or grandmother being invited to a bachelorette party. That’s pretty creepy. I didn’t even invite my mother to my very tame bachelorette party, where we had dinner and went karaoke-ing.

  11. Irene Zion says:

    That’s just the kind of thing we were supposed to be doing.
    Or, at least, that’s what we were assured.
    Why, in heaven’s name, invite us, if they knew what the program was?
    We were told karaoke and absolutely nothing embarrassing such as male strippers.
    (I am very relieved to hear that this is not in your taste, Kate!)

  12. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    It was big and intricate.
    Irene, if I ever make a penis cake, this is how I want it to be remembered.
    You are funny, lady!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Lisa Rae,

      Were I in a position to ice a Penis Cake, I would use pink icing as a base and put the veins in blue.
      Just saying.
      I’m a painter, I can’t help it.

      • Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

        Oooo, nice color scheme. And you could save the leftover icing to make a cake for a baby shower!

        • Irene Zion says:

          And Lisa Rae,

          The baby shower would be two years after the wedding at least.
          If we’re making up this scenario, we can make it any way we want!

  13. Erika Rae says:

    Oh, Irene. You just made my YEAR with this title. Fuckerware. You are brilliant.

    I went to a Fuckerware party once. I was 7 months pregnant. I felt a little uncomfortable at first due to aforementioned state, but then ended up cleaning up on the prizes. Well, except for the “draw a penis on a piece of paper on top of your head” game. Boy, did I botch that one.

    90 year old granny frosting a penis cake. With balls. Bwahahahaha!

    • Erika Rae says:

      Also, your bio is a piece of art. Did you recently change it – or I have seriously never read it before???

      • Irene Zion says:

        Erika Rae,

        The bio was put up when 3.0 went up.
        I thought it was time for another one, but no one seems to read it,
        so maybe I’ll wait on that.
        I know I suddenly read other people’s bios
        and am surprised that I hadn’t read them before.
        I wonder why that is?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Erika Rae,

      (I love that there are two of you now with “Rae” after your first name!)

      I totally forgot until you mentioned that!
      We did play games.
      We had teams of two and you had to make a wedding dress out of a roll of toilet paper.
      That was fun, actually.
      There were others, but I can’t recall them right now.

  14. Simon Smithson says:

    Heh.

    We could always tell Hen’s Nights at the bars I used to work at – whenever a group of women would come in with straws with little penises on the end.

    Each group would be sure we’d never seen such a thing before.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Well, Simon, my dear,

      I’m here to tell you that I myself never did see such a thing before!

      I am astonished how many people already know about these parties.
      I think it must be my age group.
      You younger folk are so much closer to HELL!

  15. Gregory Messina says:

    Positively hilarious. I’m envious that you got to go to an event that provides such good fodder.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Gregory,

      You always look so relaxed and content.
      I envy that.
      See, that’s one thing about internet friends,
      you don’t necessarily see it when you burst a gasket over something.
      Makes you more friendly, I think.

      You know,
      Victor and I are going to Singapore later on in the year.
      I told Victor we have to make sure we don’t chew gum.
      He said that I would certainly forget and chew gum
      (He was actually more crude,
      but I don’t need to go there now.)
      and be arrested
      and put in a stockade
      and flogged.
      I asked him to take a lot of pictures,
      because it would make a great story.

      Being a writer can make you look at everything differently than other people.
      I imagine being a photographer does the same thing to a person.

  16. Fuckerware… Hilarious!

    I can’t help, though, but wonder about the public service announcements that will follow the first car crash caused by plug-in vibrators.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Thanks, David, wherever you are now,

      It’s always good to hear from you, cause then I know you’re safe!

      Obviously these Car Pets are a hazard to use when driving,
      THAT is why I thought it was funny,
      because it couldn’t actually be used.

  17. Zara Potts says:

    Oh, Irene. I wish you had bought the Car Pet. That is a hundred different kinds of funny!
    I just don’t understand why people find penis shaped things so hilarious. I don’t get it. I know that I just couldn’t take a slice of penis cake. It would make me gag.

  18. Judy Prince says:

    Irene—-I love this piece (so to speak)!!!

    “There were also tubes that had metal ball bearings inside the jelly plastic. These flowed in the dark, which I thought was an extra special touch, although why a man would want parts of himself to glow in the dark was a mystery to me. I myself have never had any problems locating any part of Victor in the dark. I’m just saying.” Wonderful!

    “So we watched one of the groom’s two 90-year old grandmas icing a penis cake.” HOOT! And I thought decorating a book cake was a trip!

    Irene, considering the post’s title, I was a bit on guard for every little (um) turn of phrase that might be a metaphor. This stopped me: “I had heard about those and wondered how long into the night Victor would last.”

    One wonders what the Car Pet really does that makes Victor so upset. Hmmm…..

    • Irene Zion says:

      I’ve been thinking a lot about this, Judy.

      I think that he just doesn’t think it’s funny
      and he hates it when I spend money
      for anything he doesn’t think is worth it.

      I wasn’t buying anything to use,
      um,
      in bed,
      so it wasn’t that he was threatened in any way.

      We don’t have any
      problems
      of that
      sort,
      if you know what I mean.

      Oh, and that metaphor you saw?
      It was unintentional.
      He and his friend only went to the dinner part.
      He’s just not that kind of guy.
      One woman for him and one man for me.
      Old fashioned, I suppose.

  19. Judy Prince says:

    I was teasing you, Irene, about the Victor quote.

    “One woman for him and one man for me” is the ultimate. And it’s not easy, but it surely is fantastic. How much we each long for intimacy, trust, interdependence, knowing laughs, quiet reading in the same room, long conversations, as well as a fantastic sexual connection.

    Men want these things as well as women do. It’s no secret. It’s not old-fashioned. It’s human and universal.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Judy,

      Victor and I were very lucky to find each other.
      We are opposites, and yet we fit together perfectly, almost.

  20. Don Mitchell says:

    90+ comments and not one person chose to start some foolishness based on: “there were vaginal ice cubes.”

    I’m shocked, just shocked.

    I realize that penises are much funnier than vaginas, the world around, but really.

    Of course you’ll notice that I’m not starting anything up, either.

    • Erika Rae says:

      I think I ignored the vaginal ice cubes on purpose. I’m kinda having trouble picturing them, really. Are we talking those ice cubes that are cylindrical and have the holes through the middles? If so, I shall never look at them the same again.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Erika Rae,

        Rest easy.
        The vaginal ice “cubes” looked nothing like the cylindrical ones of which you speak.
        They were more, um, body-formed looking.

    • dwoz says:

      I have to ask the obvious: Is there ANY way to bring up vaginal ice cubes without the whole thing blowing up in your face?

      True dat, about male genitalia being much funnier. I mean, when was the last time you were in a movie that had a laugh track over a woman being kicked in the ovaries?

      • Irene Zion says:

        I don’t understand, Dwoz,

        What would blow up in your face?
        Are you afraid your computer will get porn-infected?
        They sell these ice cube forms at party shops, apparently.
        At this party, I am hesitant to say that there was any possible variety missing.

        Being kicked in the ovaries is just like getting kicked in the stomach, I would think,
        but, since it’s never happened to me, I can’t be sure.
        I think men having their genitalia outside,
        makes them more vulnerable and painful to be kicked. (
        But I don’t have personal knowledge of external genitalia either.)

        • Don Mitchell says:

          Well, I think that Mr Dwoz is bowing to the reality I share, which is that making fun of male genitalia is always acceptable but making fun of female genitalia is, um, fraught.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh, I see, Don!

          (Have I mentioned my lack of sleep is interfering
          with my thinking process?)

          I think that is true in the “real world,”
          and I don’t think it’s right or fair,
          but we’re in “virtual” here
          and there is a certain safety at this site
          to say what you want
          with no fear of recrimination.
          I think anything is fair game
          when said with honesty and
          good intentions.

          I’ll book no double standards
          for the comments on my stories,
          and I don’t think I’m alone
          in this,
          here at TNB.

    • Irene Zion says:

      I tried to take a picture, but they melted!

  21. Since I’ve peppered in comments elsewhere, I guess the only thing I have to additionally contribute is…

    You should thank you lucky stars it wasn’t a Fellatio party – wherein the Fuckerware Lady brings her “acoutrements” suction-cup stuck to little dessert plates, and teaches the attendees how to best satisfy their men – using the props at… um… hand.

    (I learned about these kinds of parties on an episode of the HBO series “Real Sex” and not for nothing, I saw it at a particularly formative age and I did learn an awful lot…)

    😀

  22. Amy says:

    You act so innocent! I have been to one and it was my sister’s bachorelette party. My mom and my sister’s very religious mother-in-law was there needless to say. We had a lot of fun anyways. I can’t believe it surprised you so much. Have a good dinner party even without your new toy.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Amy,

      I know perfectly well that Bachelor Parties are raunchy affairs, that sometimes involve stripping ladies and even prostitution.
      However, Amy, since my friend and I suspected that there might be stripping young men involved, we asked.
      My friend’s daughter made it perfectly clear that she told her friends she wanted no stripping men involved in the party.
      Karaoke was the purported plan for the evening!
      The fact that neither my friend, nor I, had ever heard of a Fuckerware Party, meant that we did not have the chance to ask that nothing like that occur.
      In summation, yes, indeed, I was surprised.
      I had never in my life heard of such parties.
      It was very educational for both my friend and me.
      It was not a bad thing; it was simply unexpected.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Amy,

      Did you know about Fellatio Parties?
      HA! Big talker, you, I bet you didn’t!

  23. JM Blaine says:

    One day late to the show
    & already a hundred comments!

    TNB 5.0
    will be
    Irene Zion’s Breakdown.

    all of us,
    simply
    the bitches
    of Zion.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Dear,
      oh dear,
      oh dear.

      I am having
      a day
      full
      of not understanding
      anything.

      What
      does
      “the bitches
      of Zion”
      mean?

      Help me out
      here.

      I haven’t
      gotten much
      sleep
      of late.

  24. Oh my, oh my, oh my…Irene, you have the most wonderfully interesting life. I wish Victor thought the car pet was funny. I do! And it’s impossible to know whether it was a good purchase or not until you give it a try, so he shouldn’t be mad.

    I’m with you, looking at vibrators wouldn’t be how I’d best enjoy celebrating my impending marriage. But whatever. To each her own. As long as the bride had fun, that’s all that matters.

    I wonder what the wedding cake looks like?

  25. Irene Zion says:

    Colleen,

    The wedding cake was
    beautiful and tasteful.
    The wedding itself was
    on the beach
    barefoot
    and lovely to attend.

    He’s not angry
    anymore.

    He only stays
    angry
    for short
    short
    spurts of time,
    and then
    it’s over.

  26. Joe Daly says:

    Oh, Irene… this was hilarious. I think we guys have it pretty easy. Take the groom out, get him loaded, buy him a few lap dances, and nod solemnly when it’s your turn for him to slur to you how much he respects you and how much your friendship means to him. No matter how many times he corners you for this conversation.

    The Passion Party sounds like a hoot! I would be very interested in hearing what people purchased and why. I’ll bet the answers would be entertaining as hell!

    So how was the cake?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Joe,

      I wonder when this sort of thing started.
      I mean Bachelor Parties where men get together
      and get sick drunk
      and do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do
      involving stripping ladies and worse.
      It isn’t good, clean fun.
      And when did Bachelorette Parties start?
      By the same token, why would women feel
      “empowered” by doing things that
      they wouldn’t ordinarily do?
      It was funny,
      but at what cost to civility?

      (Once the cake was cut and only looked like a square of cake, it tasted just fine.)

  27. Tim says:

    Ugh. Come on, Mom. Do we need to discuss this?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Sorry, Tim.
      Just telling the story.
      Don’t shoot the messenger.

      • Judy Prince says:

        If it’s any consolation, Irene and Tim, my son is convinced that his mother’s major role in life is to embarrass him. The time I incised my hair with geometric designs using an electric razor particular caught his attention. I thought it was gorgeous. Lucky for us both, he hasn’t the least bit of interest in my writing.

        Now my major role in life is to embarrass Rodent. It worked today rather well as I tried a pitiful routine with the desk clerk, begging for reduced rates at the hotel here in York. Rodent actually put his head down and groaned. But we got a good rate on the room.

        • Irene Zion says:

          HA!
          Judy, we are so alike!

          I shaved my head and kept a short buzz for years.
          My kids were mortified.
          Poor little Ben used to bring me home pictures from magazines
          at other people’s houses of ladies with long hair.
          He would say: “This is what mothers are supposed to look like, Mom.”

          I only felt bad about him.
          Tim and Lenore were monstrous changelings at the time.
          Sara and Lonny were away at college most of the time anyway,
          so it didn’t affect them much.

          I don’t try to embarrass Victor, but I’m really, really good at it, nonetheless.

          I still enjoy sticking it to Lenore, cause she sticks it to me.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Irene, I’m still laughing at this: “Poor little Ben used to bring me home pictures from magazines
          at other people’s houses of ladies with long hair.
          He would say: ‘This is what mothers are supposed to look like, Mom.’ ”

          Yes, my dear (formerly) shaven-head friend, we are very much alike, indeed. Makes me proud and happy!

        • Irene Zion says:

          And the pictures! Judy!

          It was all ladies with thick flowing hair down to the middle of their backs.
          I couldn’t have looked like that if I tried!
          They were usually in the kitchen, as i was, so he really thought I should look the part.
          Poor kid.
          I have to find our passports from that time.
          You can’t tell by the tiny pictures which is him and which is me!

          When you move back to the States, if you do, would you please move next door?
          (It can’t hurt to ask….)

        • Judy Prince says:

          Rodent says, upon hearing our sons’ and his own kids’ judgements: “Children are so conventional—-at least when it comes to their parents.”

          I had my years of flowing long hair—-a pain in the neck, so to speak, like carrying a sack of flour on your head that slopped over and flopped in your way all the time. Men wore their long hair in ponytails, but that was considered “uncool” for women.

          Now I tend to gauge women’s self-esteem, generationally and individually, by how much they inconvenience themselves to attract men.

          BTW, the woman we’re buying the Buddhist Temple from has a shaved head and wears saffron robes, is a Buddhist nun, and ethnically Scottish. She has a great sense of humour, laughs at Rodent’s jokes and has been terrific to us.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Judy?

          Are you and Rodent going to convert a Buddist Temple to your home?
          That sounds so incredible!
          I expect to see pictures, of that and, um, other things that are sort of secretish.

          When I did art work with my kids and they wanted to color, say, leaves green, I would say “How did you get so conventional?” and take out the purple pencil and start coloring a leaf. I would do that with the way they dressed and the way they ate…everything. It was so much fun.

          I am so, so sad that life is such that you can’t keep your children little and have them forever.
          Selfish, I acknowledge, but nevertheless exactly how I feel.
          They are, each of them, glorious adults now, and yet…
          I am and will always be bereft without my little children.

          No one calls me “Mommy” anymore.
          That may sound silly to most of you,
          but those are the saddest words in the world.

        • Judy Prince says:

          “They are, each of them, glorious adults now, and yet…
          I am and will always be bereft without my little children.”

          Awwww…..that’s sweet and sad, Irene. I suspect, in my own case, that the grandpups (7 yr old twin boys) may be substitutes for my own little kid.

          Re the Buddhist Temple, it was constructed as a Church of England manse, probably circa 1840 (actually has an old plaque on the front that says “manse”) with 4 bedrooms. Then about 10 years ago, Tibetan Buddhists bought it, converting it to a Buddhist Centre public charitable institution. They divided the 3 bedrooms into 6, installing new dividing walls and adding wash hand basins. We want to take out the dividing walls and wash hand basins and return to the original 3 (larger) bedrooms to accommodate Rodent’s books and his printing equipment.

          Every house we viewed and considered buying seemed to lack one or two features that the Buddhist Temple had. It’s the only detached (i.,e., not a town house or semi-detached house) we’ve viewed, it’s the only one with a big back yard; and its main floor rooms are large. I love its facade, too—-very clean Georgian (symmetrically balanced) lines. We’ll keep taking photos and selecting ones to send you! Right now we’re in York at a hotel, and are taking photos of the glass shower enclosure which is exactly what I want to have installed next to the main floor w/c in the Temple!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Judy,

          The place wounds glorious in every way except that it appears you are staying in Britain and not coming back Stateside!
          I am in mourning!

          I have two fabulous grandchildren too, but they are so far away that I can’t see them as much as I’d like at all.

  28. Tim says:

    I mean, I expect this shit from Lenore.

  29. I just got back in from encountering some crazy-ass driver on the road. She was all over the place. I think she must’ve been wearing one of those Car Pets. At the least, a Flutter Frenzy. Or hell, maybe both.

    And they’re worried about people texting while driving…woof.

    • Irene Zion says:

      HA!
      Rich,
      That would explain a lot of the crazy driving
      around the Miami area,
      but I don’t think it’s the case in reality.
      I think people in general are just
      bad, bad drivers.
      Just once in my life
      I’d like to see a police car
      when a car comes careening
      at high speeds
      weaving through traffic
      only to get to the
      red light
      first.

  30. Marni Grossman says:

    Before my sister’s wedding we had both a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. The bridal shower was a highly involved affair thrown together by my aunts and grandmothers. We had salmon for lunch and there were pastel-colored gift bags. The bachelorette party was supposed to be my responsibility. But I was in college and studying for finals and so it was a hasty mess. We got her drunk. That was pretty much it.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Marni,

      I’m glad that was the worst you could do.
      I can’t see you doing anything like this.
      I assume you drove her home?

  31. Marcia, still in Illinois says:

    OK, just to be practical for a moment– now whenever I see an erratic female drive I’m gonna think not “quit texting, and drive, (expetive)” but “turn off the Car Pet and drive, (expletive)”. I think that’s a lot more scary. Also, what if you got into an accident? I’m still dealing with my late mother’s advice to always wear clean underwear in case of having to go to the emergency room. What advice would she have for this? What if you got into an accident and were found by the paramedics still “hooked up”? I have to say I’m with Victor on this one.

    Just wondering– what flavor was the penis cake?

  32. Mindy Macready says:

    I would have pulled a practical joke

    go outside the door and knock on it

    Knock! Knock!

    Hey its John Holmes , let me in

    wait a minute John Holmes is dead…hahahaha Ghost Penis

    • Irene Zion says:

      Mindy,

      Fake penises are weird enough without Ghost Penises!
      We have a poltergeist in our kitchen knocking things over today.
      I don’t like ghosts to mess with me,
      especially their penises!

  33. Irene Zion says:

    Marcia,

    Luckily, I don’t think this item is well-known.
    If a person were going to have one on and have an accident,
    you can see by the picture of it
    that it would be extremely difficult to get off
    without someone noticing.
    You’d have to take off your pants and underwear, for one thing.
    Someone is bound to notice that after an accident!

    But wait!
    I was never going to use this ridiculous thing!
    I was just going to show it to people to make them laugh!

    The cake was vanilla with vanilla icing dyed pink.
    I still think a better job would have required blue icing for the veining.
    But that’s just me.

  34. Irene Zion says:

    Wait!
    Marcia, I was thinking of the “Flutter Frenzie!”
    That is what would be hard to take off.

    On the other hand, the “Car Pet” would be hard too,
    cause you’d have to have your drawers off to use it,
    or at least your skirt up and your underwear off.

    You’d get caught with either one.
    I wasn’t ever going to buy the “Flutter Frenzie.”
    That cost some real bucks for just a joke!

  35. Slade Ham says:

    For some reason I started reading this and reflexively – before I even knew I was doing it – stopped and Googled “vagina ice tray”.

    As for the Flutter thingie, I was seeing this bartender for a while who had one of those with a remote control. Sitting at the bar with that kinda of power in my hand was somewhat intoxicating, especially when I got to interrupt her taking drink orders with the push of a button.

    What a cool toy 🙂

  36. Irene Zion says:

    So, Slade?

    Did you find vagina ice trays to buy?
    I know they exist, so they must be on the internet.

    I had no idea that there was a remote control for the “Flutter Frenzie.”
    That adds a whole new layer to the product!

    Do they have stuff like this for men at Bachelor Parties?

    • Cheryl says:

      They have boobs and booze for bachelor’s parties. I don’t think men like to accessorize as much as women do, although I would howl with laughter to see a group of rowdy men go into a bar with vagina necklaces on and sipping drinks from tit-shaped double straws.

      Wait a minute – I think I just created a whole new line of lesbian bachelorette party accessories… another reason to support gay marriage!

      • Irene Zion says:

        Cheryl,
        In these times of economic downturn, it is brilliant ideas like yours that take off and turn into successes. Think of all the people you could hire. Happy families with a parent coming home with a paycheck with benefits. You’re a saint and a genius.

  37. Amanda says:

    I rarely have Internet access these days and while I was online tonight, figured it’s long overdue for me to check in with TNB. I must say, “fuckerware” party raises things to a whole new level. Well played, Mrs. Zion.

    : )

  38. Lorna says:

    Oh my, this was so funny Irene.

    That’s the messiest penis cake I’ve ever seen.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Well, Lorna,

      I have to ask.

      Just how many penis cakes have you seen?

      (Thanks for reading, Lorna!)

      • Lorna says:

        Um…..well……I guess I’ve seen enough to know this one is messy but not nearly enough to be an expert on this sort of thing. 🙂

        • Irene Zion says:

          Well, Lorna,

          I think that, were I about to turn 90 and were also inclined to fashion a penis cake, (the latter being so unlikely to me now,) I think my hands might tremble a bit and thus end up with a messy penis cake.
          Perhaps that is the reason.
          I’m sure you are not as expert on the penis cake as you are on other things.

  39. Matt says:

    Wait, wait–am I too late to the fuckerware party to get a drink with those ice cubes in it?!

    I am? Shit.

    This was hysterical, Irene. My only wish would be to see some reaction shots of your face as these various items were unveiled.

    I had a girlfriend in college who went to one of these parties. We had a lot of fun with the goodie bag she brought back with her.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Matt,

      My apologies.
      As I said before, I tried to save the vaginal ice cubes, but they melted.
      I didn’t know I needed a cooler chest with cold-packs in the car!

      My friend and I tried not to show anything on our faces.
      Everyone else was having so much fun and seemed at ease with it all.
      Didn’t want to be party poopers.

  40. Dana says:

    What a hoot Irene! What were those girls thinking?

    “The theme of the party was “The Penis”. The last shower I attended the theme was “Sunflowers”. Clearly we run with different crowds.

    “The tip of your nose is the most sensitive spot to test these babies,” she assured us.
    Huh. Really? One of us is doing something wrong. 😉

    You know, Oprah’s on some sort of crusade to stop people from texting and using their cell phones while driving… you really should send her the info for the Car Pet so she can add that to her pledge.

    • Irene Zion says:

      I’m pretty sure, Dana, that the readers who check out the letters for Oprah before they show them to her, would chuck my letter in the garbage and she would never see it.

      “Sunflowers” is just the sort of theme we were hoping for, however, the people throwing the party were of a decidedly different bent. (I would like to emphasize that this is not my crowd!)

      I’m pretty sure Booming Lady was willing to sell the products circling the room, so the end of the nose was a much, um, more sanitary place with which to test them than whatever you might or might not have been thinking.

  41. Alison Aucoin says:

    I’ve heard that there is a school of thought that says that mothers should provide their tween daughters with vibrators so they can figure things out for themselves. According to proponents of this theory, it delays sex and reduces the number of partners. Kind of makes sense to me, although if it requires a party like this I’m going to need to be very drunk, which would make me a terrible role model.

    Thanks for the laugh Irene!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Alison,

      Oh my.
      I can’t say as I’ve thought about that subject,
      and, thanks be to God,
      my children are grown,
      so I don’t have to entertain such thoughts.

      There was a moderate to high rate of drinking at the party, I must admit.

  42. Stefan Kiesbye says:

    Irene,

    that you would write “Fuckerware” is shocking. My universe is teetering.

  43. Irene Zion says:

    I’m sorry, Stefan.
    I really am.
    I succumbed to the siren song
    of impossible to avoid
    perfection
    of puns.

    Pitiful, really,
    but I lay the truth out to you.
    I could not resist
    how funny it sounded.

    It made me laugh,
    in spite of its
    obvious crassness.

    Please advise:
    your world is on solid footing.
    It is I
    who
    is teetering.

  44. Irene Zion says:

    Christine just found this link to a story.
    I really, really hope it will post.
    You need to read it.
    unbelievable!

    http://www.wcpo.com/dpp/news/local_news/water_cooler/Driver-arrested-after-officer-finds-her-distracted-by-adult-toy-during-traffic-stop

    • Richard Cox says:

      “She told officers she had been using the toy while driving, as well as watching a video on a computer her passenger was holding. It is not clear what the nature of that video was.”

      Not clear what the nature of the video was?

      Baaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha!

      That is ridiculous, Irene! Think of the company you could have been in.

    • Melissa (Irene's friend) says:

      Truly Irene, that did not shock me in the least. Actually not much shocks me anymore. Not Fuckerware parties, not car pets. Although like I told you that might come in handy during a power outage.
      Like the witch says in The Wizard of Oz…….”what a world , what a world ,what a world”.

      Melissa

  45. Oh, my, Irene, had I known you were going to this party, I might have asked you to send some goodies to my (still-inorgasmic) friend, L, who was the subject of one of my posts about a year ago, with whom I had an unsuccessful stint of vibrator shopping and masturbation advice.

    Incidentally, since David is obsessed with 69, I must say that a penis-shaped cake has very little appeal to me. An all-girl party is one of the only times in my life that I can be assured of NOT having a penis in my mouth, so a penis shaped cake on such an occasion is just plain bothersome!

  46. Andrew Nonadetti says:

    I read a story today about an Ohio woman pulled over by police while “multitasking” – driving, surfing porn on her laptop, smoking crack and pleasuring herself with a sex toy (at least she wasn’t texting). There seems to be a suspicious lack of detail in the story beyond that, though, so I don’t know if a “car pet” was involved. Regardless, please be careful next time you’re driving about, surfing porn and getting stoned.

    Great, great story and the pics – especially of the cake – went over great here at the coffee shop. I’m always annoyed by people who feel obligated to glance over at your laptop while you’re in public. One moved to another table. Another, um, moved closer. Which was kind of creepy. I’d better go….

    • Cheryl says:

      Now Anon, the only found one piece of a broken crack pipe in her car, under the seat, so she apparently wasn’t smoking crack all at the same time.

      Just watching porn on a laptop while using a vibrator while driving.

      Geez, isn’t that enough?

      I posted the link to the story above – I hadn’t gotten far enough down on the comments to see that you had referenced it 🙂

      • Andrew Nonadetti says:

        I will not speculate on where the remainder of the pipe may have ended up – or how it was broken – during a moment of passion. But you’re right, of course. I shouldn’t embellish. 😀

        • Cheryl says:

          nah, don’t sweat it. let’s just say I am always a little skeptical of stories about arrests that reference “traces” of a drug being found, or “pieces” of drug paraphernalia, and other such things. she could have dropped the crack pipe in the throes of… whatever, for all I know.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          I believe you’re quite right to be skeptical. In my limited experience, “traces of narcotics” either means a. there were none at all but enough random lint and/or half-eaten Cheerios to allow them the visual excuse of probable cause or b. there was a metric ton of decent stuff and they took all but what was need to confiscate it….

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Ahem. That was supposed to be “needed”. And no, I have not been smoking anything myself while posting :).

        • Irene Zion says:

          @Cheryl, @Andrew Nonadetti,

          Andrew has to embellish.
          He’s a writer.
          “nuff said.

        • Andrew Nonadetti says:

          Sigh. Irene, you have officially made my Monday morning….

    • Don Mitchell says:

      I should have known that drugs and sex would bring you back to TNB, Mr. Anon.

      Last winter, here in upstate NY, there were two “driving while…” incidents, each resulting in death. In one case, a trucker, watching porn on his laptop while barreling down the left lane of I-90 in a snowstorm, crashed into a woman pulled over because her car had hit a deer. She died. Second incident, two truckers got into a fistfight in the cab while driving down I-90 near Hamburg NY. The passenger gave the driver a good one and the driver crashed the truck and was killed.

      A little car sex seems tame, compared to these. Of course I’m talking about the non-crack-fueled, non-lap-topping varieties, although wholesome adult car sex may involve cracks and laps. So to speak.

      • Andrew Nonadetti says:

        And, topping off the trifecta, Don brings “violence” to the table. 🙂

        I know, I know – so much of life could be filed under “you’d think this would be common sense” – but you’d think “knocking out the guy driving the big rig in which I’m speeding” would trump any urge to deliver an ass-kicking. At least wait until you pull over or stop at a light or something! Jeez. And if “a trucker, watching porn on his laptop while barreling down the left lane” isn’t an indicator of the times in which we live, nothing else is. Although there may have been more beastiality back in “prairie schooner” days. I don’t know.

      • Irene Zion says:

        @Don,

        EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!

      • Irene Zion says:

        @Don,

        How can anyone think you can drive while watching any video, let alone, porn, let alone in a snowstorm?
        This just boggles the mind.
        Why is it that so often the wrong person gets killed in this sort of scenario?
        Just draws your attention to the unfairness in life, I guess.

        In the second instance, it is my considered opinion that they were badly matched as driving partners. Seems to me if both of them kicked the bucket, it would have done the world a favor.
        I’m glad no other car was involved in that one.

      • Don Mitchell says:

        I know my trucker-porn accident might have sounded like an urban legend:

        http://www.buffalonews.com/city/article178223.ece

        3 to 9 for the sonofabitch, and he deserved it.

        I’ll update about the cab-fighting pair when I know something.

        • Irene Zion says:

          @Don,
          The article about this is also in the Wall Street Journal today. (September 2, 2010)

          I always believed you.
          I just can’t understand people like this.

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Anon, @ Andrew Nonadetti, Christine found the same story on a different site.
      Surprised the heck out of me, I must say.

      People read your laptop over your shoulder?
      That’s creepy!

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Andrew Nonadetti,

      I love that you called what she did “multitasking.”
      She was, indeed.

  47. Jeffrey Pillow says:

    What a disturbing cake. And secondly, now I fully understand why car accident rates are higher in women: the Car Pet.

  48. Irene Zion says:

    Hey, Pillow,

    Do you know for a fact that more car accidents have women behind the wheel?
    I have to say that I question that, I’d like to see where you found the statistics.

    On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that the situation in that article rarely happens.
    You have to be nuts or drugged to do such a dangerous thing.

  49. Tawni says:

    Penis cake? Vaginal ice cubes? Wow. I will never look at frozen water the same way again.

    I have never been to a party with sex toys. There was a male stripper at a bachelorette party I attended, though. He arrived dressed as a policeman. The sister of the bride had hired him as a joke, to torment her sister; we were not a crowd of girls who enjoyed strippers. When he took off his clothes to reveal the tiny, shiny little man-panties he was wearing, we all screamed in horror. Whenever he danced near one of us, we would cringe, hide and scoot our chair away. Nobody wanted this stranger’s nether region near their faces! We made him get dressed, sit down and have some food, and then spent the evening talking to him about his career choices.

    This was hilarious to read, Irene. Well done. (:

    • Irene Zion says:

      Hello there, Tawni,

      Imagine our surprise!
      Both the bride-to-be and her mother were assured that there would be nothing in the least “hinky” at the party.
      We were bracing ourselves for karaoke!
      This was far, far away from karaoke, in my opinion.

  50. […] time, she fell and broke her ribs.  This was right before she attended a Fuckerware party, although the two are […]

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