I was painting, so Victor went to the grocery store without me.  At our Publix, we drive up a winding ramp to park on the second or third floor.  The supermarket itself is on the ground floor.

After you buy your groceries, you push your cart on a moving sidewalk, which is at about a 45∘ angle to take you and your cart back to your car.  The carts have brakes on them, which employ when the cart is on the belt, so that it can’t roll back toward you.



Victor got on the moving sidewalk.  Twenty feet ahead of him was a woman, also with a cart, about 30, wearing a very short skirt.

(This is a picture of where she would have been in relation to Victor. This woman is a stand-in for the short-skirted one in the story.)



She turned and looked right at Victor, my retired, 65 year old husband.  Then she turned back around and bent over and touched her toes.  She remained that way for about ten seconds.  She was not wearing underpants.

When she got off the ramp, she turned and looked at Victor.
Her face was blank.  She just looked at him and then walked away.

When Victor told me about this, I asked him what kind of car she was driving.  (That particular Publix is well known for having lavish cars like Bentleys, Austin Martins and Ferraris in the lot.)  Victor said he didn’t look.

I fully understand that there are peculiar people in Miami Beach.  I do.  But how could Victor not watch to see what kind of car a female flasher would be driving?  This is information anyone would want to know.  I will never understand Victor.

TAGS: , , , ,

IRENE ZION has been married to the same curmudgeon for 40 years. She has 5 children, none of whom sufficiently appreciates her. The one you probably know is Lenore, who frequently gives her mother hives. Irene paints oil portraits and makes her own frames. She has been described as an outsider artist. Most of her paintings creep people out, especially her family. She finds this to be greatly satisfying. She writes non-fiction for TNB and loves every minute of it. She is writing fiction now too, but is too chicken to show it to anyone. She has two golden retrievers who will inherit anything of worth she leaves behind. Her kids will delight in dividing up her famous cork collection and her notorious stockpile of bubble wrap.

200 responses to “Miami Beach in a Nutshell”

  1. Joe Daly says:

    I have to say that I probably would be too busy blasting a text out to my friends to wonder what car she was driving.

    Florida. Who knew?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Oh Joe,
      Not Florida!
      Miami Beach!
      Not the same animal at all.

    • Irene Zion says:

      You know what @Joe?

      I’ll bet if you had your phone out to text,
      you would’ve taken her, um, picture,
      so to speak.

    • Gloria says:

      Joe – would this have been a hypothetical picture text or a words text? Just wondering.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Gloria,
        I’m betting Joe’d have taken a picture for sure!

        • Richard Cox says:

          I would have taken a picture so fast my phone would probably have crashed.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh Richard!

          I so wish that Victor took a picture with his stupid free phone.
          He figured out that it does take pictures, but he can’t figure out how to see them or download them.
          He’s phone and internet challenged.
          I would have loved to post that picture on this piece!

  2. I can’t pinpoint why, but this piece is hilarious to me on several levels (figurative levels not parking levels that is).

    The flasher had to be driving a Corvette, or at least a Ford Probe. In any case, God bless Miami Beach.

    • Irene Zion says:

      See, now, Nathaniel?

      I think she was one of the ones in the fancy-dancy cars.
      (And because Victor was pretending nothing happened, I’ll never know!)

  3. Ed says:

    What car? There were cars there? You know about men: all the blood had left his brain.

    • Christine Walling says:

      Ed, you nailed the comment. Nailed it.

      I don’t know that Victor would have looked at this the same way other men would though. I would think he would find that crass and disgusting because he’s Victor Zion damn it.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Ed,

      You KNOW you want to know which car a female flasher drives!
      Admit it.
      I certainly do.
      (Besides, Victor was whistling away pretending he didn’t see what was right in front of him!)

      • Reno Romero says:

        NO! what’s with the car? forget the car! i’d wanna know when she shops that’s all i’d care about! sheesh. can i get an amen?

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          dirty OLD man

        • Reno Romero says:

          Granny Goose:

          YOU shoosh. I’m just speakin’ the truth here, GG. What you can’t handle the truth? Stinker. I’ll hunt your ass down, break your walker.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Reno!

          You mustn’t speak to Ashley in that tone of voice.
          She is a lady.
          You threatened a lady!
          (Even if you were speaking what most men would say.
          About what you’d have done,
          not calling Ashley “Granny Goose” or threatening to break her walker….)

        • Reno Romero says:

          irene:

          i love, ashley. but she’s a stinker. a brilliant, funny, stinker, but a stinker nonetheless. and she’s one lucky BROAD she doesn’t live close to Tiny Reno because i would have to engage in said threat. i prolly shouldn’t have threatened her, you’re right, but you should HEAR the things she says to me. foul, horrible things, and AND, she calls me Grandpa! can you believe that? i don’t even have any grown kids who have their own kids. hell, i don’t even have a friggin’ girlfriend who will age me in record time! sheesh. (watch it, ash…)

        • Irene Zion says:

          Now, Reno, my pet,

          Everyone knows you are a young, virile, handsome man.
          You musn’t be so sensitive to teasing.
          Ashley is very good at getting under your skin.
          (Maybe you should make a trip to the Big Easy….)

        • Reno Romero says:

          irene:

          thanks, rene. you’re kind. perhaps Tiny Reno should book a flight to the Big Easy to pay Miss Ashley a visit. she does get under my skin. must be her delivery. or her green eyes. sumpin’. ok, it’s official, my threat is on hold. you, dear irene, have a great day, and remember to keep your eyes PEELED for any boy tomfoolery. or lady tomfoolery for that matter. okie doke. we carry on.

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          Irene, you are a doll for standing up for me. If I could, I’d help you track down your scavenger flasher and we’d have a chat with her. Really, like Gloria, I just have a million questions for her but we could threaten her too, if you want. Just for shits and giggles.

          As for Tiny Reno, he doesn’t scare me. I DARE him to take a trip down here to the Big Easy. He’s never been here, you know. He thinks we’re all a bunch of softies….

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh my, Don,

          Most of the people here don’t even know what an Edsel is.
          We are a small group, the Edsel-aware.

        • Don Mitchell says:

          I guess we are. And you are so polite to mention that when the Edsel came out, its front grille was widely ridiculed as being “vagina-like.”

          http://tinyurl.com/4aq3z5z

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh Don!

          That video of the commercial is a stitch!
          In black and white they talk about the glorious range of colors,
          just as though we can see them!
          How funny to think that most of these readers never even saw a black and white T.V.!
          The first color T.V. I ever saw was when men were landing on the moon!
          Oy! My joints are suddenly aching.

          (I’m afraid that I have to admit that I never considered the Edsel’s grill to be, um, “Papaya”-like.
          Did other people think this, or are did you make that up? Not that I don’t see it, now that you mention it….)

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Ed,

      It was a PARKING LOT. Of course there were cars in it. How could he forget that in a parking lot?

  4. the kayak lady says:

    that woman does not drive a car. she gets rides from strangers that want a closer look at her shorts.

    • Irene Zion says:

      It was a skirt, kayak lady,
      shorts wouldn’t have done the trick at all.
      She had groceries!
      She was alone.
      She HAD to have a car.

  5. George says:

    Perhaps he did not look at her because he was looking at something else.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Well, George,
      I’m afraid to let him go to the store alone now,
      because he certainly did tell me all about it,
      (except, of course, for the car.)

  6. Tim says:

    I’m betting it was a large van without windows.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Geez, Tim,

      You think there was something else going on in that van?
      Some other people?
      Maybe she wasn’t just a flasher, she was a kidnapper!
      Poor Victor was in danger!

  7. Ben says:

    How many men do you think that woman has lured back to her dungeon with that move?

    -Ben

  8. Irene Zion says:

    Oh boy, Ben,

    Now I’m starting to worry.
    You think she watched what car he got in?
    You think she followed him?
    Oh my oh my.

  9. the kayak lady says:

    skirts, shorts. we do not wear those things in n mn when it is sunny, 17° and the wind is from the backside of a dragon that had eaten beans for lunch.

  10. dwoz says:

    Victor may not know what kind of car she drove, but I’ll be he can tell you what kind of razor or depilatory creme she used.

  11. Irene Zion says:

    Dwoz,
    I’ll bet he can.
    I’ll have to ask him and get back to you on what style she flashed.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Wait., Dwoz
      Then I’d have to tell Victor what I wrote about.
      (He doesn’t read TNB.)
      I think we’ll just have to go with a “runway,” imagination-wise.

  12. Melissa says:

    Sweetie…I do not think Victor had cars on the brain at that point.

    Melissa

    • Irene Zion says:

      Melissa,

      That seems to be the consensus….

      • Reno Romero says:

        yes, melissa, no cars. just girl parts. or bits. or whatever.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Reno,

          I think if you knew Victor, you’d realize that he was thinking that he must have been transported to another planet.

          (I think the English say: “Nasty bits.” I think that’s funny.)

        • Melissa says:

          Girlie parts.

          I so wish I was there I would have tapped her on the shoulder and told her she forgot her underpants.
          Then I would wonder if ABC was doing one of their What Would You Do? segments. Cameras and John (forget it I can’t spell his last name), would come popping out of the woodwork.

          Melissa

        • Irene Zion says:

          Melissa,

          They could have done that on cable, but not on regular T.V.
          Remember “Candid Camera?”
          (That’s neither here nor there, but I loved that show when I was a kid.)

        • Melissa says:

          Well I still would have told her she forgot her panties. She could have borrowed a pair from the guy from the hospital the other day who was showing his off!

          Melissa

        • Irene Zion says:

          Wait!
          Melissa,
          What guy was showing off his panties?
          How did I forget this?
          Remind me, please?

  13. Gloria says:

    I would’ve had so many questions. Mostly about grooming and color matching.

    Is Viktor easily embarrassed? Did he giggle? Did he report it as if he were telling you about the price of apples?

    Also, who does that?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Exactly, Gloria,

      What kind of young, fit woman flashes a 65 year old man?

      Victor is embarrassed by anything!

      He told me without a single giggle. He just had his eyes wide open in surprise that such a thing happened to him at the grocery store.

      Really, who does do that?

      • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

        Maybe she goes after rich older guys. Maybe she went TOO old last time and her man is almost out the door. She’ll need to collect from a new older man soon. Scavenger.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Yipes!
          Ashley, I need to accompany him to the grocery store from now on.
          Oh Lordy,
          I have to go to an Apple appointment tomorrow,
          so he’s going to be vulnerable at Walmart!

      • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

        maybe he was in shock, Irene.
        maybe he still is…

    • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

      You know, I have a lot of questions, too!

      Maybe this is weird but I’d like to know if it was a pretty sight. I’ve seen my fair share of flashers and for every 10 women willing to show their junk, maybe ONE is worthy of a stare. Sad, sad truth.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Well, Ashley,

        Victor said it wasn’t a particularly pretty sight,
        since it was unwanted and out of the blue like that.
        (But he’s a really loyal guy, thank heavens,
        and he is still in shock!)

  14. Marcia, still in Illinois says:

    I wonder if she actually had groceries in her bags. Maybe she she spends her day hanging around the supermarket and flashes likely-looking men to see if she can pick them up. She may have checked out Victor’s car when he drove into the parking lot and waited for him to come out. He’s definitely one of the younger guys to shop there. She may have thought he was quite the catch and really put out (sorry, couldn’t help it) that he didn’t follow her. If she’s a professional, and, it being Miami Beach, she may have just been showing a potential customer that she really was a woman so there would be no embarrassing disillusionment later.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Marcia,

      People in Miami Beach are all young and hard-bodied now.
      Victor and I are the only codgers left here.
      You’ll see next time you come.

      You really think she was a professional and not just a flasher?

      • Marcia, still in Illinois says:

        I have no idea what she was up to. Now I’m worried about the lack of codgers. We definitely have to go somewhere with codgers when I come to visit so I can look halfway good in comparison. That’s the whole point of Florida– there are always codgers older than you!

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          Marcia, I was just thinking the same thing!! I must stay away from Miami Beach! My milky white skin and soft body would probably gross everyone out. Dammit.

        • Irene Zion says:

          @Ashley,
          No worries,
          Marcia wins the price for the whitest skin on earth.
          Even she would say it.

          @ Marcia,
          Don’t worry, we’re going to the Keys,
          there are lots of codgers down there
          with cellulite and funny clothes.
          We’ll fit in perfectly!

  15. Stephanie says:

    Weird escalator is weird….weirder is a woman who things her “Ginie” is clearly awesome enough to flash a 65 year old male. My bet is she works for the porn industry, I hear Miami is a hot bed for loose ladies ready to shag on cam.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Stephanie,

      Victor looks nothing like a director or film-maker.
      He looks like your typical gramps.
      Why would she pick him?

      • Stephanie says:

        Dear Irene, you just answered your own question. She felt like flashing an older gentleman her papaya because I am sure she was hoping for a reaction.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Stephanie,

          You are essential to my learning the lingo of the day.
          “Ginie?”
          “Papaya?”
          So far, papaya’s my favorite.
          Give me more synonyms, please!

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          Maybe her man just told her she is ugly.
          That’s it! Suffering from low self esteem.
          his reaction was her last ray of hope for the future…

          Victor crushed her.
          What. an. ass.

          😉

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          PS- Papaya is fabulous and I must steal and use as my own. Thank you.

        • Reno Romero says:

          ha! her papaya! shit! love THAT!

        • Irene Zion says:

          I KNOW, right, Reno? Ashley?

          (You two really need to get together!)

          We need the young blood of @Stephanie to keep commenting
          so we can learn all the new luscious terminology
          which would otherwise pass us by.

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          Irene, sorry to let you (and Reno) down but I am married.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Aw,
          another perfect match thwarted!

        • Reno Romero says:

          irene;

          sorry. yeah, i’ve known for quite some time that Brees was taken. which is not a bad thing because that means i can say ANYTHING to her. no editing when it comes to NOL. but she is cute. real cute. well, kinda.

          heh.

  16. the kayak lady says:

    anyway, whatever the woman was wearing, i do not believe the woman was driving her own car. her name is sally, and she rides.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Oh, now, Kayak lady,
      You put an ear worm of “ride Sally ride” in my head
      and now I have to go to bed with it there!
      I HATE earworms!

  17. jmblaine says:

    Wait a minute.
    Miami Beach has grocery stores
    with cart escalators?
    And here I am
    going to Piggly Wiggly
    with payphones
    & 5 for 5 meat specials.

    Miami Beach is just as
    fly
    as all those rappers say it is
    isn’t it?

    • Irene Zion says:

      jmb,

      Miami Beach is
      just as fly
      as all those rappers say it is.

      (If fly is wild and crazy and
      not actually
      a fly.
      We don’t have many flies.)

  18. Reno Romero says:

    irene:

    that sounds like a delightful trip to the grocery store. i wish that when i went to stater bros. i ran into giving women like this. i just run into bitter women with 12-packs of natural light and three kids with orange stains around their mouths from eating cheetos.

    that’s what i get.

    victor: i’m jealous.

    i can’t say that i would be too concerned about what this hussy was driving. in fact, it would have been of no concern to me. i’ve would have been to occupied taking inventory of her face, etc, so the next time i saw her i would follow her throughout the store for round 2. you simply can’t pass up this kind of opportunity retired or not. just saying…

    ha! i just made myself laugh. NOT a good sign.

    okay, irene, keep your hubby in check. if he ALL of a sudden wants to take curious trips to the store for say, toothpicks or two-sided tape, you know he’s up to shenanigans. i take victor as a different kind of man that would not do this but the moon does weird things to us.

    peek-a-boo,
    tiny reno

    • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

      tiny reno? ha!

    • Irene Zion says:

      Tiny Reno,

      Victor is completely innocent.
      This is the second time I’ve written about hussies after him!
      The first was at the Elk’s Club, remember?
      He’s just that magnetic,
      but pure as the driven snow,
      I’d like to add.

    • Christine Walling says:

      ORANGE STAINS AROUND THEIR MOUTHS??? I’m dying over here! That is the best description EVER…where I live it’s a brown ring from mama shoving chocolate she stole on the aisle into her kids’ scream hole so they’ll stop making out with the grocery cart handle bar. It’s disgusting.

      I am really surprised that Victor didn’t say something to her like “Excuse me miss, your snatch is showing, would you do us a kindness and cover that thing up?”

      • Reno Romero says:

        christine:

        right? you KNOW you’ve seen the orange ring around the mouth. i have billions of times and it turns my stomach. chocolate? oh, i’ve seen that one, too. i believe these things are universal. i’m really disappointed that i don’t get the eye candy that mr. victor gets. that’s a keeper. anyhow, cheers, christine, watch out for the kids. they bite you know.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh, now I see,
          I didn’t see you wrote again, Reno.
          Is this epidemic in the country now?
          Mothers stealing junk food to shut their children up?
          They can’t be very smart, or they’d not use cheetos or chocolate which leaves a, um, ring.

          Reno,
          It’s not like Victor has this happen to him all the time.
          It’s only happened twice.
          (That does seem unusual, doesn’t it, that it’s happened twice….)

        • Reno Romero says:

          irene:

          i’ve seen mothers do all kinds of stuff to keep their babies quiet. feeding them cheetos. giving them the remote control. giving them mud. giving them “the look” (the look is that stare that says you acting up and the next time this happens you’re dead). they have all kinds of tricks you know.

          i know victor is innocent. but twice? i’ve never had this happened to me once. victor must ooze man mojo or sumpin’. you know? he must have game, possesses the “it” factor. either way sumpin’ is up. ok, irene, i think your “aware meter” is in the red right now. follow him to the bathroom. take note of the miles he clocks in his car. you might want to slip a tracking device under his skin.

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          I am MASTER of the “the look”.

      • Irene Zion says:

        I know, @Christine,
        @Reno is fabulous at making pictures in your head.
        But I don’t think I ever heard of mothers stealing chocolate in front of their children.
        I also love “scream holes.”
        You should write!

        (For some reason, this is posting way farther down the page than it should.)

      • Irene Zion says:

        @Christine,

        Victor is WAY too shy to speak, let alone let on that he saw anything untoward.

  19. Frank says:

    Funny. You don’t know how funny… I’m writing this and this hysterical expostulation -nay, EXPLOSION! -of laughter bursts from the living room, where Sally has the laptop out. I walk in and she says “Did you read Irene’s story?”

    Funny. I can’t wait till Thursday and hear Victor’s side of the story…!

    Hmmm… Let’s see… Maybe I can help…

    Flashing femmes favor Ferraris?
    Vulgar vixens value Volvos?
    Cheeky chicas choose Chebbies?

    Oh, my, the possibilities are -shall we say -“end”less…?

    AH-HA!

    I have it!

    You write so well in your short works -this one, that evocative story about nightwalking the Atlantic on the plane, others… Your prosody is so good, I can say you’re really pithed. You speak fluent parsi.

    We enjoy your work.

    • Irene Zion says:

      No one can alliterate like you, Frank.
      You are the alliteration champ!

      (And sweet, too,
      explains why
      Wonderful Sally sticks around.)

      • Frank says:

        And all this time I thought my mom was saying I was illiterate… (By golly I sure hope I spelled that correctly…!)

  20. Irene Zion says:

    Yeah, Frank,
    I can understand the confusion,
    alliterate, illiterate,
    I’m sure she meant alliterate.
    I mean, seriously, she’s your mom!

  21. Jim says:

    Oh Irene, you are a delight. Scrumtrulescent. Do you think maybe Victor invented the entire episode? Regardless, their tagline fits: “Where shopping is a pleasure.”

    • Irene Zion says:

      Victor doesn’t have a place in his brain for fiction or drawing, Jim,
      His brain is almost all taken up with math and worrying about his children.

      I can’t remember where that tagline: “Where shopping is a pleasure,” comes from.
      Do you? It’s so familiar to me, but I can’t place it.

  22. All I have to say is thank goodness this happened AFTER Victor bought the groceries, cause I know how distracted my own husband is even with a list…. and then to complicate things there was a vagina! At Publix! On an escalator!

    Years and years ago when I used to live in Florida, there was a Publix and a Winn Dixie in our town. Publix was the “fancy” grocery store. Winn Dixie was the store that sold the repackaged meat. You would expect this kind of thing at the WD but never at Publix. What has South Florida come to?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Sodom and Gomorrah, Robin, Sodom and Gomorrah.

      It couldn’t have happened before he did his shopping, because the ramp had to be going UP
      for her flashing to work.
      She would have fallen down the stairs trying to flash him with him behind her going down the stairs to the grocery store from the parking lot.

  23. the kayak lady says:

    mustang sally is a GREAT dancing song, ear worm or not…….

  24. carole Gaylord says:

    the message did only take less than 3 minutes to read. the responses took much longer. victor probably
    was very, very unimpressed. after all it was not a photo from playboy or penthouse with lights, camera, pose. he was probably grossed out in his own way.

    u mean he did not even smile when he came home and told u the story?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Carole,

      (I’m nothing if not concise.)

      She was described as an average looking, but slim, much younger woman.
      Personally, I think that should be enough to catch the eye of pensioner.

      Nope, didn’t smile at all.
      He was totally flummoxed.

      • Reno Romero says:

        not even a grin?

        VICTOR!

        • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

          maybe it was an outie and grossed him out.

        • Reno Romero says:

          Brees:

          Oh, no you didn’t! But you did and shame on you. Shame, shame! Outie? Ha! OMG! That’s heelarious! An outie! Which, as we know, doesn’t have the aesthetics of an “innie” right, Breesy. Laughing now. Happy?

        • Irene Zion says:

          Okay, Ashley and Reno,

          I don’t even understand this part.
          Doesn’t an “outie” refer to a belly button?
          She didn’t bend over that far;
          she’d have to be a contortionist!
          What am I missing here?

  25. Wow. Just wow.

    I love that her face was blank when she looked at Victor. That’s creepy. If she winked or sneered or grinned maniacally it would be easier to understand. But nothing? That’s disturbing. That’s the sort of thing that makes you check under your car when you get back outside.

    Wow.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Right?
      David, that’s just what I thought!
      Creepy!
      He didn’t check under his car, since I assume this was a flashing of convenience.
      Victor just happened to be the man behind her on the moving walkway.

      (I love how you want to shave up your cat to make it look like a rodent.)

      • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

        (I love how you want to shave up your cat to make it look like a rodent!)

        I had to read that sentence several times to know what the hell you were talking about. lol.

        • Irene Zion says:

          @David’s cat is somewhat of a bruiser, Ashley,
          I think he’s just kidding,
          he couldn’t live without him.
          (I would like to see him shaved up like a rodent, though.)

        • The cat wouldn’t be remotely surprised. Every Christmas she gets dressed up like a reindeer. In fact, barely a day goes by without her being in some way fucked with. I think being a rodent would just fit nicely into her regular schedule.

        • Irene Zion says:

          I would just like to know, David, how your female cat came to be called “Eddie.”
          (And now I would like to ask you to email me some pictures of Eddie dressed up!)

        • It’s Amy’s cat, really. She named the little bugger. She also named our first cat, “Barry.” Of course, Americans can’t say Barry without it sounding like “Berry” and so she is called “Berry” although Amy continues to spell it with an “a”… I both call her Berry and spell it with an “e” because I’m not American.

        • Oh, and for photos just look at the Facebook album I have that’s called “Box Cat”. You can see Eddie doing Taekwondo and dressed as a reindeer.

        • Irene Zion says:

          I would have said “Barry” correctly, David.
          But I’ll go with pronouncing her “Berry,” should it come up.

          I will attempt to find your FB “Box Cat” section.
          I’m afraid I’ve got a bad reputation for screwing things up on FB.
          I’ll be very careful not to erase your whole site.

  26. Judy Prince says:

    Irene:

    1) Women who go knickerless are used to going knickerless—-a lovely freedom, after all—-as well as not being especially concerned how they appear to others.

    2) That conveyor belt at such a precarious angle would have frightened the wits out of me, worrying that the brakes would fail and crash into the cart and person behind me.

    3) The woman either had dropped a can of beans or was checking the wheels/brakes of her cart, or both.

    4) She looked blankly at Victor, a quick check to see if the can of beans had rolled down the conveyor belt and tripped him.

    The woman’s a sensitive, caring, considerate, knickerless-free, and free-spirited soul.

    Did Victor offer to put the groceries in her car?

    Hmmmm…..only thing dear Rodent does in supermarkets is terrify folks with his wild cart-driving. I wonder what other things he does there when I’m not with him.

    • Reno Romero says:

      ‘…going knickerless—-a lovely freedom, after all.’

      you betcha!

      that is a wonderful observation and something to TOTALLY celebrate! i’m all for it! cheers, judy!

      • Judy Prince says:

        reno j, a major exception to all the joy you’re exuding is when a male goes knickerless.

        • Reno Romero says:

          judy!

          ha!

          no, no, no. we don’t wanna see a tree truck floundering around looking for a home. can’t have it. won’t have it. no.

          apples and oranges.

          beauty and the beast.

          filet MIGnon and, uh, hot dogs.

          crimson and…

          you get the idea.

          papaya and mints,
          reno romero

        • Irene Zion says:

          Well, Reno and Judy,

          Don’t men who wear kilts go knickerless?
          I thought they did, but David could tell us.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Re what men wear under their kilts, Irene, I’ve asked dear Rodent (a native Scot), and several times he demurred, but finally he said, “Nothing.” WHOOP! Then I asked him if he’d ever worn a kilt (he insists that kilts are a 19th century invention by romanticist Scots, not a much older historic thing; he says the same about bagpipes, and the credible sources I’ve read agree with him), and he said yes, but that was a long time ago when he was a pre-teen attending family weddings. Question: “Did you wear knickers under them?!” Answer: “I don’t remember; it’s been a long time.” [sigh]

          What say you, David Wills?

        • Judy Prince says:

          “no, no, no.” Quite right, reno j—–can’t have males going around knickerless!! Should be illegal!

          yogurt with blueberry jam and granola,

          Judy

        • Irene Zion says:

          I can’t get this in the right place, but here is what David wrote to me about official kilt-wearing and underclothing:

          “As a full-blooded Scot I feel I am indeed at liberty to answer this question.

          There are two types of kilt-wearers – True Scots and Scots. True Scots would never dream of wearing undies under a kilt. They “go true” and god help anyone watching on a windy day. The other type of Scot wears briefs under his kilt. He usually from England or America and says things like, ‘My great grandfather was Scottish. We owned a castle!'”

        • Judy Prince says:

          “True Scots would never dream of wearing undies under a kilt. They “go true” and god help anyone watching on a windy day.”

          HAHAHA!

          Please note, though, that David, like Rodent, doesn’t say whether he himself went knickerless under his kilts. Will we ever get to the bottom of this? 😉

        • Irene Zion says:

          In all fairness, Judy,
          I didn’t ask him that question.
          He might pipe in, though.
          Eddie the bruiser is keeping him busy trying to get himself sick to rack up vet bills.

        • I proudly wear my kilt on special occasions and do so as a True Scot.

        • Judy Prince says:

          Let’s hope, then, David, that in Beijing there’re few special occasions and no windy days!

        • Irene Zion says:

          Good for [email protected]!
          I’d love to see a picture of you all decked out.
          Think you can provide one via email?

        • I didn’t bring my kilt with me to China, sadly. It weighs too much to make travel easy. Amy will get to see it when I take her back to Scotland this summer (as my wife!) and I’m sure there will be plenty of photos.

        • Irene Zion says:

          David,

          You will be a handsome couple, and I want the off-the-cuff-crazy and official pictures, please.
          I am very happy for you both.

          (Ah, to be young again….)

        • Judy Prince says:

          “Amy will get to see it when I take her back to Scotland this summer (as my wife!) . . .”

          How wonderful, David!

          Rodent just said: “Ah, good, another Scot caught out!”

          I’m not sure what that means, but have an idea it’s not just a straightforward congratulations. Hmmm….

        • Irene Zion says:

          Rodent is just happy to be getting company, Judy!

        • Judy Prince says:

          Ah, that’s nice, Irene.

  27. Irene Zion says:

    Hello, Judy, my sweet,

    1) Knickerless is a lovely freedom, but combined with a very, very short skirt it is unseemly.

    2) Some of the carts have brakes that don’t work, but you don’t know that until you get on the belt.
    In fact, when I went back to take pictures, my cart malfunctioned and I had all I could do to take pictures and keep the cart from rolling over me. Most of the pictures were ruined for that reason.

    3) I assure you, nothing rolled past Victor, not can nor orange. Besides, panty-free and short-skirted, a lady would bend at the knees should she have to reach the ground.

    4) I’m pretty sure she looked blankly at Victor because she is a PSYCHO FEMALE FLASHER!

    To sum up, your charitable nature is clouding your judgment in this instance. Victor did not help her with her groceries because he pretended nothing happened and never even saw her car, which is driving me crazy! I’ll bet it was a Bentley!

    When Rodent is in supermarkets without you, he does nothing but daydream about getting back to your loving embrace.

    • Judy Prince says:

      “Victor did not help her with her groceries because he pretended nothing happened”—-oh I get it now, Irene. You mean when she gave him that blank look he must’ve mimicked the blank look so she wouldn’t think he saw what he saw.

      • Irene Zion says:

        Precisely, Judy.
        He pretended nothing at all had happened.
        Isn’t he silly?
        Something absolutely did happen, after all.

    • Ashley Menchaca (N.O.Lady) says:

      I’m all for going “knickerless” but as a woman, never in a short skirt. It’s a cleanliness issue for me. Gross. Who knows what getting on your junk when you sit. Yuck.

      “I’m pretty sure she looked blankly at Victor because she is a PSYCHO FEMALE FLASHER!”

      HAHAHA!!

  28. Judy Prince says:

    Irene, don’t you remember wearing mini-skirts?! Didn’t you ever go knickerless?!

    Doubtless, the knickerless woman was as bothered as you by the cart malfunctioning and had to act swiftly for her own and “the guy behind” her’s sake, desperately and quickly bending over to check brakes or wheels—-“ladylikeness” notwithstanding. Victor did not *pretend* nothing happened, and he didn’t help her with her groceries and didn’t notice her car because, tho a titillating experience for him, it nevertheless wasn’t “going anywhere”—-if you know what I mean.

    If Victor was gonna “go anywhere,” he’d’ve done it without ever mentioning to you the knickerless woman—-even if (or especially if) she drove a white van displaying an electric red sign saying “KNICKER’S OFF, LOOKING FOR TOFFS”! (In British English slang, a “toff” is a rude word for someone with an aristocratic background who exudes an air of superiority)

    Dear Rodent has the dubious honour of having felines throw themselves at him. A TNB story in itself. You’re very sweet to say he’s daydreaming of me whilst wildly driving the supermarket trolley, but it ain’t true, my dear. But that’s ok, bcuz I love the mad trollery beast, no matter what.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Well, Judy,

      of course I wore mini skirts, but never without undies and tights!
      (It was back in the dark ages when I was an undergrad.)

      You say you have a TNB story in you about Rodent’s having women throw themselves at him.
      So? Write it!! Let’s hear about Rodent and his stalkers!

      • Judy Prince says:

        It was *felines* throwing themselves at dear Rodent, Irene! The man is a feline magnet!

        BTW, I think Victor is a cutey.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Oh.
          So, Judy, you were being literal?
          Cats follow Rodent around?
          (Boy, that sentence would not make any sense at all to non-TNB people!)

        • Judy Prince says:

          It’s a complex relationship between dear Rodent and cats, Irene, you sweetie. They won’t leave him alone. You’re right; it’d be a good TNB piece. It’s totally bizarre.

          Selling my car today here in Norfolk, Va. Tomorrow we hop the pond to our new-old home in England! Kind of exhausted now, but gotta get errands done. Breakfast first, though.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Judy!

          Write it on the plane.
          You know you won’t sleep,
          you’ll be too excited!

        • Judy Prince says:

          Great suggestion, Irene! Usually, that long flight’s when I watch the only films I ever watch that aren’t rented or streamed. But when I’ve got a story brewing, film-watching and everything else takes a back burner. Rodent ALWAYS sleeps the entire flight, hence not having to deal with being unable to have a pipe for some 20 hours.

        • Irene Zion says:

          Judy,
          I never, ever sleep on a plane.
          Victor falls asleep when he’s not moving.
          (The plane moving doesn’t count.)
          I envy him that.

  29. Ronlyn Domingue says:

    First, ewww. Second, how funny is that?! Third, this is even funnier because I met your husband.

  30. ksw says:

    it was probably a land rover bush master

    • Irene Zion says:

      ksw,

      That was simply brilliant!
      You are the wittiest man I know.
      A Land Rover Bush Master!
      Wait till @Reno hears your car choice,
      he’s going to love it.

  31. Ducky Wilson says:

    Once when I was on the subway in NY going to work during crazy rush hour, a man kept bumping into me. Then he started trying to jack off on me. I was on my way to a shoot and had a small light board with me, so I smacked him over the head with it, and he fled to the next car.

    Why are people so fucked in the head?

    • Judy Prince says:

      Good for you, Ducky! He’s lucky you didn’t whack him elsewhere!!!

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Ducky,

      When I first read your comment I thought you were on your way to shoot.
      I wondered why you didn’t just take out your gun and shoot him in his wiggly parts.
      Now I understand.
      Good for you for whacking him over the head!
      I’m proud of you.

      I have no answers to your last question.
      None at all.

  32. Marcia, still in Illinois says:

    Maybe it’s a gimmick by the supermarket to get more men to shop there by themselves. Aren’t people who shop alone supposed to be more susceptible to impulse purchases?

    • Judy Prince says:

      Marcia rocks!!!! HAHAHAHA!

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Marcia,

      You know, if it were a different Publix, near Bal Harbour, that she was supposed to work at, your theory would work.
      That Publix has the moving sidewalk going UP INTO the store on the second floor, from the downstairs garage.
      You go down the moving sidewalk to get to the parking lot.
      So,
      In that case she was hired to keep people shopping at the other Publix, so I bet she doesn’t get paid!

      @Judy, Marcia absolutely rocks!

  33. Richard Cox says:

    This is an excellent story, Irene. You should post more excellent stories like this, true or not.

    In all seriousness, the blank face gives me the creeps. How about a raised eyebrow? A beckoning finger?

    I think the woman is obviously kind and a bit on the loony side. She probably meant to give Victor a thrill and herself a little thrill as well.

    I assume she was shaved bare. Was Victor surprised by this?

    • Irene Zion says:

      Well, Richard,

      Of course he was surprised!
      I have to wait till his friends tell him that I wrote about this
      before I can ask him if she had a Brazilian or a Runway or was clean-shaven.
      He doesn’t know I wrote this yet.
      After he finds out Thursday when he volunteers, I’ll ask him,
      since the pussy will be out of the bag,
      so to speak.

    • Irene Zion says:

      @Richard and @Dwoz and @ Reno,

      Victor told the story to a friend, ( who already read it, but he didn’t know…) and I found out that she was in full bush mode.

      (So @ksw must be right.
      The car must have been a road master bush master!)

  34. angela says:

    SO. WEIRD.

    my boyfriend was in Miami this weekend and he mentioned that there were all these skimpily-dressed women who’d just sit there and stare at men.

    but none of them flashed anybody, at least as far as he could tell. or as far as he told me.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Angela,

      People come to Miami Beach especially, (less so to regular Miami,)
      and in the dead of winter when we’re wearing heavy sweaters because it’s in the low 70’s,
      they go swimming in the ocean in their string bikinis and topless.

      There is a large portion of the Miami Beach population who wear very little in the way of clothing.
      Bazooms are right out there, and butt cracks too.
      Usually, these are hard-bodied, nice looking people though, so it’s not so offensive.

      It’s the people from the cruise ships that try to dress Miami Beachy and fail miserably,
      although they are a source of entertainment.

      (I’m sure he would’ve told you, had he been flashed. You’re a writer! He knows you need all the material you can get. Besides, he loves you.)

  35. Jessica Blau says:

    Irene, you are so great–I love your posts!

    I don’t have time to read the comments (supposed to be grading papers!) so just have to ask and apologize if it’s been asked already, but what did she look like? I find it SO fascinating that you asked what her CAR looked like rather than what her ASS looked like! And was she so skinny that the bend over gave a complete show everything going on down there? Or was there enough flesh to have it just be ass and legs??

  36. Irene Zion says:

    Jessica Anya,

    Victor said she was average-looking but slim and about 30 years old.
    He could see it all.
    No extra rolls in the way.
    Yup.
    These things really happen to us.
    So strange, huh?

  37. Amanda says:

    I once worked with a totally inappropriate co-worker. He was probably a fine worker, but he lived every day in a perpetual state of acting inappropriately, and by that I mean he was lewd. Always. In the most unexpected ways. It was impossible to anticipate when he might bust out something especially rotten, but I kinda rolled with it, since from time to time it was funny.

    For instance, the morning we rode the escalator to the third storey in our building, and he tapped the woman ahead of us on her shoulder and informed her, “Excuse me, miss, but from back here I can see right up your…umbrella.”

    You see, the lady was wearing an incredibly short skirt, which we could see up, but in her purse was shoved a half-unfurled umbrella, and we could also see right up inside that.

    Perhaps Victor’s grocery store woman was testing out a skirt-umbrella punchline of her own…

    • Irene Zion says:

      Ah, but Amanda,

      There was nothing in her hands at all.
      The cart just sits there locked until the moving belt pushes it onto the upstairs.
      She had nothing to do, except for touching her toes, of course.

  38. That moving sidewalk was built for mooning people.

    I’m a little creeped out by her expressionless glance. She sounds like she has a spider in the ceiling, as Nathaniel would say in France.

    What car … you’re so funny Irene! I’d want to know where she’d been sitting. I wouldn’t want to sit there after her. Eeeooooh.

    • Irene Zion says:

      Cynthia,

      You’re completely right.
      But most folks are wearing shorts here,
      availing no possibility of mooning.
      Short skirts usually take the huge elevator,
      for just that reason.

      I agree. Who wants to sit on someone else’s “papaya” juice?

  39. Greg Olear says:

    Victor needs an iPhone.

  40. Becky Palapala says:

    It had to happen at a Publix.

    Apropos.

  41. Irene Zion says:

    Is that a pun on pubic, Becky?

    • Becky Palapala says:

      I have treated it that way in the past, yes.

      • Irene Zion says:

        I’m pun-inept, Becky.
        I got it, but I wasn’t sure.

        • Becky Palapala says:

          In high school, it was what my girlfriends and I called rogue bikini-line peeker-outers.

          Once they poked out of the suit, they weren’t pubic, they were public.

          “You got publics, dude.”

          “Yikes. Thanks, dude.”

        • Irene Zion says:

          I never knew that was something people said.
          Oh.
          I’m trying so hard not to say something pubic hair-related about someone else that I’ll regret….
          Yup.
          Not saying it.
          (Golly, that was hard.)

  42. Amy says:

    Only in Miami Beach! Enough said (if you don’t live here you may not truely understand).

  43. Irene Zion says:

    Amy,

    No outsider knows what goes on around here.
    They all think they do, but they don’t.

  44. Oh, Irene. Irene! Of COURSE Victor is a hussy magnet. He is an all-kinds-of-crazy-shit magnet, not just of the Sharon Stone naughty-bits-flashing variety! It’s part of being a Zion. On behalf of the human race, allow me to say thank you for attracting some of the crazy away from the rest of us, and writing it down so well for our amusement.

    I do really grieve the fact that Victor didn’t have an iPhone.

    I mean, who’s a freaking flasher these days? Don’t flashers realize people are just going to take their pictures?

  45. Irene Zion says:

    Gina!
    I think you figured it out!
    The flasher lady somehow figured out that Victor was the kind of guy who gets the “free” cell phone and is proud of it, so therefore he wouldn’t be tech-savy and wouldn’t know how to take her picture fast enough, and, truth be told, if he had he couldn’t figure out how to ever find it again.

    But, everyone here is tech-savy, so does Victor give off tech-inept vibes?
    But wait. That still wouldn’t explain the “Elk’s Club Masher,” though.

    I think we still need to work on this theory some more….

  46. […] She lives in Miami Beach, a pleasant locale except when the temperature is low and female flashers display their wares on escalators. […]

  47. I’m about 180 comments late to this, Irene, so forgive both my tardiness, as well as my possibly repeating what others said above, but I think this sort of surreptitious flashing was a big thing in the early nineties when I lived in SF. And I’m happy to hear it has returned. What better way to break the tedium of shopping? You and Victor may be riding the edge of new cultural meme.

    • Irene Zion says:

      I did not know that flashing was a big thing in San Francisco in the early nineties.
      How does flashing become a big thing anywhere, even San Francisco, which is sort of known for its weirdness?
      In any case, I’m not riding any new cultural meme; Victor is.
      I doubt it would have happened, had I been with Victor.

  48. Simon Smithson says:

    I concur – it’s the blank face that makes this story weird. Like she was emotionlessly crossing something off the to-do list.

    #17: buy shoelaces
    #18: return DVDs
    #19: flash Victor
    #20: haircut

    • Irene Zion says:

      Simon,

      Yes, exactly!
      It was that matter-of-fact.
      Just as though it was nothing, something to tic off your list for the day.

  49. Quenby Moone says:

    Wow. I’m coming in so late to the party. But I see the party is still raging despite my tardiness.

    And for such a good reason, too! Good ol’ Victor. I’m touched by his utterly bemused reaction. And really? Did I just breeze by in the comments that this has happened to him TWICE? You guys must have dumped too many drugs in the water supply and everyone is getting loopy.

    What kind of car do YOU think she drove?

  50. Irene Zion says:

    Well, Quenby,

    He wasn’t flashed lately twice, but he was mashed at the Elk’s Club Fund Raiser.
    I wrote about that too.
    Victor is just a magnet for crazy women!
    (Wait. What does that say about me? I married him!)

    I was going all along with a Bentley.

  51. Marybear says:

    I picture a full furry map of Tasmania =}
    Lucky Victor 😉

    I’ll just bet she drives a BMW,
    favored car of assholes.

  52. Irene Zion says:

    Alas, Marybear,
    we will never know, unless she does it again to me, which is highly unlikely.

  53. D.R. Haney says:

    It just occurs to me that you’ve surprisingly written a fair amount about sex here at TNB, Irene. You had the post about the fuckerware party, and the one about the wife-swapping couple, and now this one about a flasher. Had I written about any of these topics, I’m sure they would never have proven so popular.

    Lenore, who’s of course studied these sorts, would almost certainly characterize the flasher as a narcissist, and probably as a borderline. I would. Like all borderlines, this woman is pathologically in need of attention, and Victor’s age is a factor in that the flasher probably has father issues (the childhood of a borderline typically features the absence of one or both parents), and she may also figure that an older man is safer — that is, less inclined to violence — than a younger one, just as she may figure that an older man doesn’t have sexual access to a young(ish) woman such as herself, and that makes him far more likely (in her mind) to view her as an object of fantasy. I doubt seriously that she gets any, or at least much, of a sexual kick from flashing. The kick is the boost to her ego by having unquestionably snared the full attention of man who’s powerless to act, due to the public circumstances, the element of surprise, and (again, in her mind) his age. In her private life, she’s probably prone to infantile rages and emotional blackmail (borderlines often place themselves in danger in the hope of being rescued) once her sexual partners have cast her off, as undoubtedly happens routinely, since she’s bound to drive them away with her unquenchable need for attention.

    But who knows? I was once in a car with three other guys, stopped at a red light, and in the next lane there was a woman on the back of a motorcycle, holding on to her (presumed) boyfriend, and she kept turning to stare at us. Then, as traffic started to move, she quickly lifted up her shirt and showed us her tits. She did this with a blank expression, shades of Victor’s flasher. Her boyfriend didn’t see it. They drove off, and my friends and I, perplexed, speculated about her motive. I don’t think she did it to boost her ego. There was something almost vengeful about it, as if she’d decided we were judging her and she was sort of saying, “Here, judge this!”

    This comment may be longer than your piece, and I think it’s pretty humorless, too. Oh, well.

  54. Irene Zion says:

    Geez, Duke, I’m aware of that and I can’t explain it except that I didn’t initiate any of these sexual-related situations. They just seem to happen to us. Are we pervert-magnets? Maybe, but I don’t know why we would be, we look like pretty average sixty somethings.

    If you look at the first page of my writing, I’m pretty sure that there isn’t a single sexual thing mentioned. Mostly that’s crazy family stuff. I happen to have a lot of crazy family material….

    It makes me laugh to imagine if Victor took her up on her “offer.” Can you see the grocery carts pushed aside and the groceries rotting in the heat while untoward actions took place on the landing of the Publix garage?

    I think you may be right about her motive in picking Victor. He was safer than a younger man would be for her to show her wares. I really can’t understand why she did it, though.

    In your case, I suspect that the motorcycle girl was pissed at her boyfriend in the front of the bike and, in her mind, was getting back at some slight of his by showing you her breasts. Who knows? We could ask Lenore, but she doesn’t read my stuff, like Victor. You could ask her, I suppose.

    Why do comments have to be funny? I think you are always very thought-provoking.
    I didn’t expect you to comment on a piece of fluff like this, actually.

  55. Lisa B. says:

    I would think the male observer would check out the car to look for an available backseat. logistics is everything.

  56. Irene Zion says:

    Lisa B!

    No one else has thought of that angle. I completely agree, logistics is key here, interested parties would be hoping for a motor home!

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