January 08, 2011
Why are you so afraid to do the TNB Self-Interview?
Mmm, well, you know. I’m afraid of sounding like a self-centered, self-serving arsehole. I’m afraid of sounding stupid. I’m afraid I really am stupid and people will find out. There’s more, but I won’t bore you.
What else are you afraid of in life?
I’m afraid that a truck the size of an eight-story building on end will come barreling down the freeway and crush me in my little car. I’m afraid of going blind and not being able to properly put on mascara. I’m afraid I’ll get a tooth filled and the novocaine won’t wear off and I’ll be numb in half my face with a fat-feeling tongue and spit will run down my chin in thin needle-looking drops and I won’t even know it.
You really want to know? You want to monopolize this interview with my litany of fears?
What else do you have to talk about?
I guess I could talk about face creams and lotions. I’m obsessed with skincare products.
Yeah. Like you know that fantasy where you’re really rich and you can buy whatever you want? The fantasy you’ve been having since you were, like, six and first realized that you can’t buy whatever you want? In mine, I just keep ordering face creams: Lauder, Clinique, Regenerist. I try the “redness” ones and if I don’t like them I switch to the “laser look” ones, and then when I get bored with those I try the “lifting” ones.
So, you’re saying that if you ever have loads of money you’ll spend it in the cosmetics department at Nordstroms or at Sephora?
Yes. Exactly. I have painting and photo buying fantasies, too. But when I think of buying things like paintings and photos, I think of death. I can’t help but spiral into the what is the purpose in owning something when in the end you die and there it is and what difference does it make that you owned it? See, with face creams it’s not like that. They’re in the here and now. You put them on, they smell good, your skin feels good. It’s all about being alive just then.
Okay. Anything else you want to say?
No. Except that maybe I should confess that often when I’m looking at strangers, I want to lean into their ears and whisper the skincare regime I think they should use.
No. Duh. Thinking about it is wacko enough. I’m not going to walk around telling people they should be wearing Aveeno Calming Lotion or Clinique Redness Solution!
Well what about me? Can you tell me what to wear on my skin?
Yes, I already do that. You read my mind on that one every single day.