Everyday is a good day! Grab your bottle and raise it! Cheers to everyone!

January 7, 2011 at 3:56 PM

Do rite and kill everything! Merry Christmas to everyone on facebook! Don’t forget to pop those bottles open at midnight tonite for Santa clause! Cheers !!!!

December 24, 2010 at 3:57 PM

30 pack of beer is great, bottle of ghoose is even better, adding a little yager with that and watch newton, and aurban whip ass, is priceless!!!!

December 4, 2010 at 3:47 PM

Happy dead turkey day everyone! Time to get out that bottle of wild turkey and do some shots!!! Cheers!!!!!

November 25, 2010 at 2:47 PM

Yo, 2 years ago, a freind of mine, told me aliza and crystal really blows your mind! Drink early, and get to bed early!! Cheers!

November 13, 2010 at 10:58 AM

Rain, rain, go away, that’s what all my haters say! Always good when you open your fridge and you have one beer left for breakfeast!!!!

November 10, 2010 at 10:38 AM

Dosent matter what day of the week it is, they are all the same when you are half in the bag by noon! Cheers!!!

September 16, 2010 at 1:57 PM

Is it a bad thing when you would rather have a beer for breakfeast, lunch, and dinner instead of food??

August 29, 2010 at 2:23 PM

Always good to open that fridge and grab a cold one, even better to grab 2 or 3 out the fridge after that, sucks when you open it up and they are all gone, it’s priceless when you wake up and that was a dream, I would never run out of beer!!! Ha!

August 3, 2010 at 11:54 PM

Every time you look up in the sky you want to be that star! I say we are all stars in are own way, even if you are down and out, as long as you can look up and see the stars! And yeah I forgot cheers !

July 28, 2010 at 12:36 AM

Rolling down the street smoking endo, sipping on gin and juice, laid back!!!!!

July 22, 2010 at 12:06 AM

We pop champaign cuz were thirsty! ( grey ghoose would be better! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !

July 21, 2010 at 12:10 AM

All day everyday, crack open that cold beer on these hot days and drink them down! Don’t forget the yager behind that! Ha! Txs everyone for the b day wishes! I will be changing to non acholic beers very soon………….

July 20, 2010 at 7:28 PM

Holy shit! Thanks for all the b day wishes everyone! Can’t wait to get off work and have some tea and crackers for my b day! I’m done with drinking! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Maybe for just one more day I will have a couple of beers, then I will be done! Done way too much drinking over the years! Yager bomb anyone? Lol!

July 14, 2010 at 11:56 AM

On vacation from work is great, to be out in the sun all day getting a tan is even better, to fall asleep with your beer in your hand and have a sunburn spot of a beer on your chest is priceless!

July 5, 2010 at 7:32 PM

Better late then ever! Where is all my Boston fans at now? It was a good game, till the lakers did work! 3 peat next year! Any bets yet? Feels like I won the lotto! Was gonna quit drinking, but a 3 peat, I guess 1 more year of drinking! Cheers everyone! Go lakers! Fuck Boston! Whoop whoop!

June 18, 2010 at 3:36 PM

Drinking wiskey out the bottle not thinking bout tomorrow……..

June 14, 2010 at 7:15 PM

JOKE OF THE DAY: Two fleas on a pussy, one is a burgular & the other one is a junkie. HOW CAN YOU TELL THEM APART: The burgular is hiding in the bush & the junkie is sniffing the crack!!!!!!

June 14, 2010 at 4:27 PM

Quote of the day ” drinking non alcholic beer is like going down on your own cousin, it taste the same, but it’s just not right!

June 9, 2010 at 2:29 AM

When you can’t sleep after working too many hours this weekend ! might as well have a shot and a beer to pass out! Don’t forget to reach for the stars! Like biggie said! Go lakers all day!

June 1, 2010 at 1:41 AM

Everytime your glass is half empty, fill it up! Then your glass will always be full! Cheers! Go lakers, whoop whoop!

May 11, 2010 at 3:26 AM

Life is all about a dream! You try to make the best out of it that you can, even when you get confused and don’t know what to do in life! You keep your head up and cheers it up, cause dreams do come true!!

April 22, 2010 at 2:27 AM

Time for the big decesion, what to drink? Dark or clear? Let’s crack the ghoose open and get a little crazy on this fine Sunday! Cheers!!!

April 11, 2010 at 5:40 PM

Still finding beers that the Easter bunny hid! They just seem to pop up! Lol!

April 4, 2010 at 7:40 PM

Time to go to ace and get the stuff to make a beer bong! Easy way to save money! Buy a 6 pack and put it thru the beer bong then pass out! Gonna see if that works!!!!

March 4, 2010 at 2:04 PM

We sip champagne cause were thirsty!

February 13, 2010 at 12:03 PM

99 bottles of beer on the wall,99 bottles of beer,take one down pass it around,98 bottles of beer on the wall! Let’s see how many beers come off the wall today!!

January 23, 2010 at 12:22 PM

Anyone in for some wine tonite? Lol! Only time I can have wine, if the liquar store is closed and there is no more beer!

January 21, 2010 at 12:32 PM

What a great football day! Dallas and chargers both loose! Love it! Might have to jump on the jets bandwagon! Cheers to all those fans that watched your teams loose! Might as well drink away the bad game that they played! Lol! Lol! Whoop whoop!!!

January 17, 2010 at 7:35 PM

Everyone cheers it up for the end of this year and for many more years to live a good life and keep your heads up! Life keeps going on and so do we! This is the sober me, only had 8 beers! Just getting warmed up! Lol! Have a good new years everyone! Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December 31, 2009 at 11:25 PM

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JUSTIN BENTON has written for the Nervous Breakdown since 2009. He co-authored Board with Brad Listi, a literary collage released by TNB Books in 2012. He is now a father and is currently writing an ongoing pantoum poem you can find here.

45 responses to “A Year’s Worth of Awesome Life-Affirming Facebook Status Updates from an Illiterate Alcoholic Who Bullied Me Back in Junior High”

  1. Gloria says:

    I hope this bully guy A) doesn’t sue you for copying and pasting his words and B) gets sober and finds some meaning in life.

    • Justin Benton says:

      Suing me–I guess that’s no worse than getting shoved and called a “faggot.”

      I, too, hope choice B is the case.

      • Gloria says:

        Dude. It’s way worse. Okay, well, it’s at least as bad. I guess it depends on the amount you lose.

        Sorry you had a shitty time in middle school. That appears to be A Thing. Every time I was called a slut, I would fuck someone’s boyfriend. I showed them!!

        Incidentally, I like the beard.

  2. jonathan evison says:

    . . . some of those status updates sound eerily like my own! . . . we’ve all got a little poet in us, though:

    “Every time you look up in the sky you want to be that star! I say we are all stars in are own way, even if you are down and out, as long as you can look up and see the stars! And yeah I forgot cheers !”

  3. J. Ryan Stradal says:

    To borrow one of his favorite hackneyed phrases — this is priceless.

  4. Omfg…that was hilarious…

    All I can say is “Thank You”

  5. Slade Ham says:

    Well, somebody’s gotta compile the stuff other people write…

    And what kind of drunk can’t spell “liquor”? I hate rookies…

  6. Maybe he’s Facebook’s answer to e e cummings and has a lose definition of literacy. Or could just be the liquar. All I know is that I look forward to this guy’s Senate run.

  7. Lenore says:

    this guy needs some percocet.

  8. At least he’s a happy drunk!!! ROFL! Cheers!

  9. dwoz says:

    I can think of few nicer places to be than in Oksana Baiul.

  10. Greg Olear says:

    This is the greatest title of all time. Now I’m off to get me some Grey Ghoose.

  11. Victoria Patterson says:

    Justin, I’ve missed you. This was so SAD and FUNNY. I love this post. I thought maybe you were making these up–but there’s no way??

    • Justin Benton says:

      And you know, contrary to how it appears, I didn’t even have to cherrypick out all his worst updates. If anything I left out a few duds that alluded to binge drinking but didn’t state it explicitly.

  12. Matt says:

    Oh my god. That was so much stupid I think I need a drink now.

  13. Becky Palapala says:

    So. Wait. You’re back on Facebook?

    Or you just hang around facebook, passing judgment on those there without actually participating?

    Or it’s entirely made up.

    But let’s not lose track of what’s really important here: I am most upset about your beard.

    • Justin Benton says:

      Ah, come on. Do you gotta be so detectivey all the time, Miss Muckraker? Kick back and enjoy some good clean Schadenfreude.

      Update: beard’s mostly gone.

      • Becky Palapala says:

        I do gotta. Plus, I’m defensive because I, too, enjoy beer, venison, and Wild Turkey.

        Hate basketball, though. I could get on your side about that.

        Why would anyone watch that when there’s hockey?

        Death to the beard!

  14. Amanda says:

    Heh…there is someone on my own list of Facebook friends whom I waffled about saying “accept” to when she “friended” me…(ok time out, that sentence felt almost too stupid to type, but I went with anyway)…and, over the past few months I have been provided with some insight into what became of the girl who routinely phoned me from 1985 to 1989 to tell me the reasons she and every other kid on the bus hated me, were going to get me, were never speaking to me again, and *knew* I was a “total whore who will not even have sex”.

    Curiously, her updates are so similar to this dude’s updates, maybe they’re using some sort of auto-generator.

    Doin’ not so bad myself these days!

    : )

  15. Irene Zion says:

    Justin,

    Is this true?
    Is this really a guy who tormented you and has been reduced to this blubbering mass?
    It’s good either way, you wrote it or it’s true; I just want to know.

    • Justin Benton says:

      I didn’t write this.

      He’s been reduced to a blubbering mass and I’ve been reduced to a guy who compiles all the stuff blubbering masses write.

      Perhaps we’re even.

  16. Funny. Depressing. I have no doubt it is all true. What is scariest is that we ALL seem to know someone like this on FB. Good idea, collecting the status updates. I suggest mailing them to him in the spirit of “intervention.” The joke was really gross, though. Ick.

  17. Juliet says:

    That’s the thing about Facebook- if you post it, it’s public. The person writing the status is giving up his choice of privacy by posting with his own permission to the public wall. I find this post wickedly amusing, & I applaud the author for celebrating what a hot mess his tormentor turned out to be. Perhaps it was his karma… and he deserves it.

  18. Mark Sutz says:

    This is cringeworthy. What a lonely sod this guy is, was. At least everyone who is ‘friends’ with this clown is fully informed there is at least one person in the world less self-aware than they might feel on a random day. Another reason I’m glad I ditched FB on Jan 1 – reading similarly grotesque status updates from people only made my misanthropy more acute. I’m really stunned that this guy is so fucking stupid, just plain bag-of-rocks dumb. People have no clue that once they post on fb, their words are public domain. God, what a shitnik. Thanks for sharing this simian with us, Justin.

  19. […] The Nervous Breakdown thenervousbreakdown.com/jbenton/2011/02/a-years-w…te-alcoholic-who-bullied-me-back-in-junior-high/ – view page – cached Justin Benton isn’t doing so bad after all., Justin Benton isn’t doing so bad after all. […]

  20. Uche Ogbuji says:

    That was a seriously fun read. That guy would make an excellent character in any medium.

    It’s amusing to think of a lawsuit. Couldn’t be defamation because truth is always a defence. Copyright violation would be a hard one because he’d need a cause to support damages. Ultimately, it would have to be a speculative small claims filing job with a cover letter to the judge like so:

    “Your honor, this guy I tried to help in school, you know, show him the real world. Well he tried to get me back by steeling my Facebook raps on this crazy people site. He’s gotta owe me, like 10 six packs and 8 bottles of ghoose, right? lol. Cheers to more beers!”

    Then all of us at TNB could have fun on the amicus curia kick.

  21. Tawni Freeland says:

    Wow. Somebody sure likes cheers, exclamation points, and things that are priceless.

    I went to a very small Midwestern high school, and have accepted friend requests from former classmates who ended up exactly like this. I’ve eventually deleted most of them from my Facebook stable because they depress me. (Or because they try to tell me What God Wants Me To Know every day. Or because they join Facebook groups with names like: “Hitting Your Kids Makes Them Better People.”)

    My worst school bully has yet to friend request me. I looked at her pictures, hoping for proof that she’s aged poorly (she has) (fist pump!), and noticed that she has two daughters now. It made me wonder if anyone might be mercilessly bullying her daughters the way she tormented me. Or if they are now following in her footsteps and making other little girls miserable. I hope not.

    I talked to lawyer once about an ex-boyfriend who was telling lies about me on a public website, and he told me that as long as the ex didn’t use my last name, he could say anything he wanted about me and it wasn’t legally slander. You haven’t used this guy’s name, and you’re not lying. (Not that you’re probably actually worried about the possible litigation discussed in the comments.)

    This was funny. I’m sure it’s sad as well, and I should feel sorry for the guy, but my empathy doesn’t extend to bullies. He’s on his own.

  22. Tom Hansen says:

    Ah the horror of facebook. Nice job compiling these. It’s almost develops into a character portrait. Actually it does, of a simple-minded boisterous clown

  23. J.M. Blaine says:

    Who doesn’t
    love it when
    the tables
    are turned!
    Bully becomes bullied.

    Unless he gets
    a book deal
    from the
    S#it My Dad Says People.

  24. J. R. says:

    This makes me feel sad for this man. I am one of those people who knows he drinks too much, but I have made some critical decisions in my life that prevent me from being reduced to his level:

    First, no facebook participation of any kind. And I made that decision before I realized how heavily I lean on alcohol (or maybe before my psychological limp became so pronounced). No judgment, it’s just not for me.

    Second, whatever the forum may be, no public announcements of quitting smoking, drinking, or any other compulsive coping mecahnisms. It makes the failure too painful (for us, the people that read about it on the internet).

    Was this guy already noticeably unintelligent in high school, when he was calling you names and pushing you around? I’m asking because I wonder if he squandered his intelligence drinking, or if he never had any to begin with.

    Great compilation. This was a painful and mesmerizing read. I wish we had a sober post (if there were any) to compare these to. I guess we had that one, where he was only eight beers deep, but you know what I mean.

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