a list of things i am going to do

i am going to rip a bone out of my leg and play it like an instrument,
producing a sound like the one that windows make when a
train rolls by

i am going to shave my moustache and take the little hairs out of my sink
with a damp kleenex and glue them all together to
spell ‘EVERYBODY EVER’

i am going to cut my ears off with the pliers of hope

i am going to gauge my eyes with the broken screwdriver of luck and chance

i am going to pull my tongue and teeth out with my bare hands,
and feel surprised –
as if this wasn’t already a daily occurrence

i am going to hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

bitches…

i am going to glue my newly assembled moustache back on with “super-glue” that will prove to be D grade in quality and highly ineffective 
as time elapses and my real one starts to grow back

i am going to sneak to my downstairs bathroom while you are asleep, so you don’t hear the noises i make when i poop

i am going to drink until i throw up and then drink more, because i can and because i have enough alcohol and because it seems okay

i am going to call somebody i do not know and say “andy, i hate you.”  
and they will say, “this is not andy, this is julia roberts. i think you have the wrong number”  
and i will say, “i am sorry.  i have always done better with concepts than with names and details.”

i am going to remember “that one time when…” with a sense of vague longing and then i am going to think about the implications of that memory and stab my brain with a sharp loaf of bread

“julia roberts, i hate you.”

i am going to become increasingly self-absorbed and call myself an “existentialist”
and you will look confused
and i will say “we are confused.”
and you will look more confused
and i will say “it is okay.”

and we will say “it is okay.”

i am going to smile and jump around and produce amazing kittens that will fall from my butthole and run away and then i am going to contemplate suicide and fall asleep with a half-empty bottle of whiskey in my hand, because it is impossible to feel any other way than these two ways ever.

i am going to be amazing and free and happy once i decide to be

i honestly feel like i am capable of doing something amazing