When Seattle’s flannel-clad grunge army launched their assault on the hair metal Babylon that was L.A.’s Sunset Strip, only one band survived.

That band certainly wasn’t Motley Crue, who turned their post-80s attentions to plastic surgery and reality television deals. Guns N’ Roses folded as well, with Axl Rose, the only remaining original member, now looking like a keyboard player in a .38 Special cover band. New Jersey’s Jon Bon Jovi fared the worst of all pouf rockers, joining the cast of Ally McBeal and eventually resorting to selling teddy bears online.

The last band standing was Steel Panther.

Admittedly, they didn’t release their debut album until 2009, well after both grunge and the 80s, but that album, Feel the Steel, was roundly hailed as a glam rock masterpiece with more hair metal riffs, spandex swagger and scissor kicking fury than a “Headbanger’s Ball” marathon. Like their platinum-selling predecessors, Steel Panther might have enjoyed a long run on mainstream radio had their lyrics not been so jaw-droppingly raunchy. Their R-rated hair metal anthem “Death To All But Metal” spawned a video that went viral, as an army of crazed supporters rose up and a legend was born.

As 2011 draws to a close, the band is riding a tidal wave of critical and commercial acclaim over the release of their sophomore rocket, Balls Out. Seething with Satchel’s fiery guitar leads, the eighteen-wheel rhythms of bassist Lexxi Foxx and drummer Stix Zadinia, and the god-like vocals of Michael Starr, Balls Out is treating the rest of the rock charts like a baby treats a diaper.

Not for those of delicate sensibilities, Balls Out is raunchier than ever and collecting even more 5/5 star reviews than their debut, with turbo-charged hooks and fist-pumping choruses on tracks like “17 Girls in a Row” and “It Won’t Suck Itself.” Never afraid to take a stance on contemporary issues, “Just Like Tiger Woods” is a sleazy slow-jam that would make even Elin Nordegren writhe on the hood of a car. And “Weenie Ride” is the greatest monster ballad to ever sing the praises of Astroglide. Not even Starr can manage to get through the song without cracking up.

Currently in Europe, touring with Def Leppard and Motley Crue, guitarist Satchel and drummer Stix Zadinia graciously agreed to help TNB readers with some of their thornier holiday problems. We invited you to submit your holiday questions, and you responded. In spades.

Without further ado, consider all of your problems now solved. You’re welcome.

-Joe Daly

TNB Music Editor

I’m thinking of getting a gift certificate for a friend. It’s for a Prince Albert piercing. I think he’s uncircumcised so I’m wondering if this makes it less sanitary. Answer me now, goddammit.

-Daniel G., Houston, TX

Stix: It doesn’t make it less sanitary, it just makes it kinda gay. Dude, let your buddy pay for his own cock mutilation. Unless, of course, you’re into that sorta thing. A cock piercing gift certificate is pretty specific. I would recommend an iTunes gift certificate instead. That way he can buy something really loud to listen to while some little bald dude with a face tattoo and eight inch holes in his ears is shoving a needle through the tip of his dick.

My Dad split on Christmas morning 1965. I hate Christmas– always have. I still haven’t figured out a good way to kill that day off without getting severely depressed and wanting to drive my F-150 into a light pole. What should a dude do?

-Mac, Raleigh, N.C.

Satchel: This Christmas morning  you should create some positive memories by maybe dressing a hooker up like Santa and shagging her in front of your family. Yeah, then dump your blow into the egg nog and force feed it to your 97 year-old grandma while berating her for giving birth to that miserable fuck in the first place.  God, I should be a therapist.  This is easy. Merry Christmas, bro!

I will be spending Christmas with my family in Michigan this year and will have to buy a present for my brother, who’s a big hunter. Usually we’re not together so we just exchange cards with cash or a gift card, but that would be pretty lame if we were sitting next to each other. The thing is, we don’t have much in common and I’m at a loss as to what to get someone who likes to kill things and play guitar. So I thought I’d come to the experts. Don’t forget, I don’t have a rock star budget!

-Dana C., Suffulk, VA

Stix: Buy your brother a copy of Balls Out. It’s the kind of gift that says, “I love you like a brother and I think you can benefit from having this album because chicks will think you have kick-ass taste in music and they’ll probably want to blow you.” It’s much cheaper and more sanitary than buying him a pro at the bus station.

Is there a Christmas album, other than Nat King Cole’s, that doesn’t suck ass? My lady listens to the shit for a whole month and there’s not a single one that I can stand. Isn’t there a decent Christmas album for guys?

-Tim M., Oak Park, IL

Satchel: No, there isn’t.  And you’re wrong– even Nat King Cole sucks.  But seriously, we all read this question and wondered, where does your lady find the time to listen to that shit with all the cooking and cleaning she’s doing?  You better make sure she hasn’t found your cocaine stash. Sounds like she has a little too much energy. Put on Sexy Santa and remind her who wears the pants.

 

Who gives a shit if it’s a huge commercial fraud, Christmas is fun and I love to be around my family. Why do hipsters bitch about it so much?

-Kelli C., Los Angeles, CA

Stix: Fuck the hipsters. Christmas rules because you get a bunch of cool shit from people. Plus, it’s just another reason to totally party your balls off. Hipsters bitch about it because they need to bitch about something trendy, and if being a hipster was trendy, they’d probably bitch about that, too. Fuck them and their trucker caps. And Merry Christmas!

 

My husband is a fat pig. Every year I fantasize about glazing him in orange sauce, sticking an apple in his mouth and roasting him at 450 for six hours. Do I need medical help?

-Rebecca Y., Grand Rapids, MI

Satchel: Hell no, Rebecca.  What you need is some quality time with the lead guitarist from Steel Fucking Panther!  It will get hot, although not 450 degrees. And it sure won’t last six hours…  But something will get stuck in your mouth and there will be a glazing. I’m pretty sure that will take your mind off your fat pig husband. Merry Christmas!

 

I want to divorce my wife but don’t want to do it over Christmas. Is it better to wait until the holidays are over to spring the news on her, or is that dishonest and I should do it now? And what do you get the woman who doesn’t know you’re about to divorce her?

-John C., Wolverhampton, UK

Stix: Fuck that- do it ASAP. That way you don’t have to buy her any gifts, bro! If you’re already at the point of calling it quits with her, there’s never gonna be a good time, so you might as well get it over with now. Also, and more importantly, this gives you a chance to meet a really rich, hot chick who can bang you and buy you killer stuff!

 

The Peanuts Christmas special is the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. That fucking needle-less tree! Just typing this is causing me to tear up. Help!

-Karin T., Wallingford, CT

Satchel: Wow. I don’t even know what to say.  Where the fuck do you live?  Zimbabwe?  Don’t you have the Internet?  Why are you watching that shit when you can watch girls put eels in their vaginas?  Life is too short!  If you like the holiday vibe, put on the Nat King Cole Christmas album and “2 Girls 1 Cup” video at the same time. Problem solved. Ho, ho, ho!

 

Every year my Uncle Fred buys me tickets to plays. Is he trying to tell me something?

-Perry S., Los Angeles, CA

Stix: Yes. He’s trying to tell you he wants to fuck you like a 2 dollar Asian Hooker. It really comes down to whether or not you are going to let him. If you enjoy the plays and don’t want the tickets to dry up, you may want to consider putting aside the whole “hetero” thing and taking one for the entire theater community.

 

My wife is a huge Green Bay Packers fan. I’m not even from Green Bay. Those people are fucking animals. All she does is talk shit about her stupid football team. It’s embarrassing when we go out and I’m sick of it. What should I get her?

-Jason M., Madison, WI

Satchel: Jason, this is a great opportunity for you to fuck all her friends.  And you should.  Hey, it’s not as if she were presented with the opportunity, she wouldn’t let a Green Bay Packer fudge. Ha! Get it? Look, if you really want to get her something, get her one of those cell phone shots of Brett Favre’s joint. And tell her it’s actual size.

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JOE DALY writes for a number of publications, including the UK's Metal Hammer and Classic Rock magazines, Outburn, Bass Guitar Magazine and several other print and online outlets. He is the music and cultural observer for Chuck Palahniuk's LitReactor site and his works have been published in several languages. When he is not drafting wild-eyed manifestos, Joe enjoys life in San Diego's groovy North County, teaching music journalism, doing yoga, running, playing guitar and spending tireless hours in deep and meaningful conversations with his beloved dogs, Cabo and Lola. You can check out his rants at http://joedaly.net and follow him on Twitter: @JoeD_SanDiego

One response to “Steel Panther Saves Christmas”

  1. Kevin says:

    Ah, but could Bon Jovi ever truly be considered “metal”? Hair band, yes—at least during the ’80s. But metal? Survey says probably not…

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