In 2008 I began writing letters to famous people because I didn’t have many other things to do at the time.

Some of these letter appeared on my now defunct MySpace blog, and several were used in my final stand-up attempt in early 2009.

Not one of my letters garnered a response.


An Unanswered Letter to Nigel Waterson (MP for Eastbourne)

Dear Nigel (forgive me for dispensing with the formality of including your surname, but I’m sure you must know it by now and I wish this correspondence to be brief),

This letter regards the floral decorations of our great and glorious Eastbourne. I visited the town itself today (for I reside a short train ride away myself) and it really doesn’t look like a town gearing up for victory in the upcoming Sussex in Bloom contest.

In fact things are looking pretty grim— almost as though the town isn’t even aware that such a contest is moving towards us at quite intense speed.

I would like to know exactly what our tactics are for this proud and prestigious botanical bout— even Bexhill-on-Sea has a few cheery hanging baskets adorning it’s otherwise pitiful high street!

If we act fast it will not be too late! With our buds barely blooming, let alone arranged in aesthetically pleasing formations, we have little time, but surely we can throw something together?! I have no ideas myself— I am far from an expert in the field, merely an enthusiastic fan of foliage.

We could of course cheat and use plastic plants; but we must ask ourselves if we really want to be the Michael Jackson of the contemporary flower exhibiting world… I don’t think you need me to tell you that we most certainly do not want that foul infamy!

I wish to see victory (and restoration of local pride) before the imminent death of my poor, world-weary goldfish Colonel Kurtz (named, of course, after Marlon Brando’s character in The Godfather).

Whilst we’re on the subject of my goldfish, I wonder if you can assist me in matters of goldfish behaviour. I do not know whether you are anything of an ichthyologist, but I feel it’s worth a shot.

Kurtz is a very mischievous fish. I often tell him that if he doesn’t behave he shall end up sleeping with the fishes, but this only serves to make him more frisky and excitable than before. Have you any idea how I can restore discipline and order to my fishbowl?

Thank you for your time,

James D. Irwin


An Unanswered Letter to Bruce Willis (Voice of Mikey in ‘Look Who’s Talking’)

Dear Mr Willis,

I am not altogether convinced this address is genuine, but if it is, I have a number of questions.

Firstly, I dined at Planet Hollywood last year. Whilst it was great to see the motorcycle/chopper from Pulp Fiction (I do a great impersonation of that entire scene, playing both your role and the part of Fabienne) and although I was also thrilled to find that our hands are exactly the same size, one question could not escape my mind:

Planet Hollywood was set up after the immense (and richly deserved) success of the seminal action film Die Hard, in which you played the main character. Why then, did you not name the restaurant Dine Hard? And since the world has become full of left-wing lunatic hippies who think that meat is murder, the avenue for a vegan outlet named Dine Hard: With a Vegetable was wide open! Just a thought…

Also: I have a suggestion for a new condiment, also along the Die Hard theme. Salt and Pepper are as old hat as Salt-N-Pepa, why not spice things up with a little Yipee-Cayenne-Pepper? The place is film themed, right?!

Also, is The Sixth Sense a sequel to The Fifth Element? Because they are quite similar (i.e. you are in them) but they are also different (i.e. they are clearly two very different films).

Finally, why is the food at Planet Hollywood so expensive? Please don’t tell me it’s because the film roles are drying up, because I do enjoy your films.

Sincerely,

James D. Irwin

P.S. Who would win in a fight between John McClane and Harry Callahan? I mean ’70s era Callahan, because he looks a bit frailer in that last film with Jim Carrey and the exploding remote control car (something sadly lacking in the Die Hard films).

OR

Would you join forces and take on Chuck Norris in a No Rules Cage Fight? I would be willing to pay anything between $6-12 to see it happen.


An Unanswered Letter to Brad Pitt (Star of Seven and Years in Tibet)

Dear Mr Pitt,

I haven’t seen many of your films, but having seen both Seven and Fight Club, as well as the trailers for Ocean’s 11-13, I’m confident you have the talent, gravitas and cache for my latest foray into the world of cinematic excellence.

Admittedly my plans rely heavily on you either knowing somebody with the surname Pendulum, or adopting a Rwandan child and calling it Pendulum.

The film itself would be a screen adaptation of an Edgar Allen Poe classic.

Imagine the bill Brad… PITT and PENDULUM in… THE RAVEN! Catchy, don’t you think?!

The tickets practically sell themselves!

Question: Poe lived in Baltimore. Baltimore’s NFL team is called The Ravens. Is this a coincidence?

I would like to see more of your films before I write the script, what would you recommend? Also, you might want some say in your supporting cast, but I’d very much like to cast Morgan Freeman as the narrator. Isn’t his voice wonderful? It’s the audio equivalent of taking a bath in hot chocolate whilst Kiera Knightley massages your thorax with warm, fresh honey…

Sincerely,

James D. Irwin

P.S. I want you to reply as hard as you can.

P.P.S. That was a Fight Club reference.

An Unanswered Letter to George Clooney (Nepresso Coffee Spokesperson)

Dear Mr Clooney,

Is there going to be another Ocean’s film?

I can’t help but think the number of Ocean’s films is rising rapidly— perhaps too rapidly. I wonder then, if this is a subtle message regarding global warming?

Perhaps your next Ocean’s film could directly address this phenomena… Ocean’s Rising.

The plot would see another casino being built— a gaudy super-casino, which tips the world’s C02 omissions over the edge, triggering a huge climate change and the oceans literally rising and drowning the Netherlands and Norfolk, England.

Then you, Matt Damon and the other ones (except Brad Pitt, who’ll be busy working on an adaptation of ‘The Raven’, which is being narrated by Morgan Freeman) have to save all the Dutch people. You could save all the people in Norfolk, but Dutch girls are very pretty and the good people of Norfolk have something of a reputation for webbed feet and inbreeding…

Please don’t hesitate to tell me what you think. I don’t have anything locked down as yet, and am very open to suggestions and script alterations.

James D. Irwin


An Unanswered Letter to Matt Damon (Popular Youtube sensation)

Dear Mr Damon,

I recently treated myself to a viewing of Team America: World Police. I was saddened to see you, Matt Damon, offer the most wooden performance I have ever seen. You seemed to be little more than the director’s puppet. It was a particular shame given how great you generally are in films and stuff.

I have enjoyed The Talented Mr Ripley countless times, because one can never tire of watching Jude Law being murdered.

Anyway, I digress. This letter regards your future, and presents to you a prospect I think you’ll find hard to turn down (I would say “an offer you can’t refuse”, but quoting Apocalypse Now is becoming rather cliché).

I may not be a big name in Hollywoodland (although I possess far more talent than the cast of Hollywoodland) but I have some big ideas!

As Brad Pitt and I have already begun to collaborate on a new version of Poe’s “The Raven” (to be narrated by Morgan Freeman) you’ll find your role in the new Ocean’s film much expanded. George and I haven’t come to any firm agreements yet, but as it stands the plot revolves around you and The Cloonmeister saving the Dutch from the catastrophic effects of global warming. The final scene will probably involve pretty Dutch girls with unlikely surnames “thanking” you for your heroics (this scene won’t be too graphic however, as we really need a PG-13 certificate to maximise our demographics).

Now we’ve got that out of the way we can turn our attention to the Bourne films. They’ve done remarkably well, considering you look like my friend Dan who has a dodgy heart.

You may be aware that Mr Robert Ludlum has been very inconsiderate in dying, leaving not so much as a partially finished manuscript on which to base another exhilarating caper for everyone’s favourite amnesiac action hero.

However, I have a sure-fire, whizz-bang of a hit under my belt (just ask the ladies!)

Seriously though… After all that killing he’s done and loved ones he’s lost, Jason Bourne is probably at something of a low ebb. He goes to church, confesses all of his sins and becomes a do-goody Christian— a Born Again Christian.

The film would be called ‘Bourne: Again’ and focus largely on character arc and setting up a high-octane sequel. We’d have to be very careful in making sure that the film was not mistaken for popular ABBA tribute act Bjorn Again— but perhaps they could do the soundtrack?

Towards the end of the film Jason Bourne, now the pillar of a small Mid-Western community, is attacked by a group of no-good punk kids. Attempting to open the can of kick-ass moves demonstrated in the first three films he finds he simply cannot: Jason Bourne is unable to defend himself, and as he lies beaten, bruised and bleeding in the street, he finds that God can’t always defend him.

Bourne is then forced to choose between his faith in God and his faith in beating people shitless.

This sets up the sequel we see that you, Jason Bourne, have opted to put your faith in beating people shitless and have begun to train yourself up to battle man’s greatest foe: God (played by Chuck Norris).

In a thrilling climax Bourne confronts God in an epic battle royale in which both men attempt to out-smite each other (working title: Matt Damon Versus God: The Smitening).

I can’t see any flaws, except the (slim chance) that Mr Norris is eviscerated in the upcoming Cage Fight against Bruce Willis and ’70s era Harry Callahan (tickets $6-12).

I would be delighted to hear your thoughts— and I am, of course, open to any of your suggestions. After all, you have written a multiple-MTV Movie Award winning film!

Sincerely,

James D. Irwin

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James D. Irwin is a British writer based in the Hampshire countryside. His work has appeared online, in print, and on stage. He can be contacted at [email protected]

65 responses to “Unanswered Letters To Famous People”

  1. Gloria says:

    Very funny. You’re hilarious.

  2. Gloria says:

    Read my email.

  3. Matt says:

    There are so many great little nuggets of wit here–where to begin? Clearly you’re making steps towards joining the ranks of Britain’s many fine, fine satirists. Because one can never tire of watching Jude Law being murdered.” nearly had me spit beer at the screen, and I’m drinking Sam Adams, dammit! This beer is too good for mere spitting!

    For the record, Keira Knightley can massage my thorax (or any other body part) with anything she damn well pleases.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      I miss Sam Adams. My local supermarket used to stock it in the ‘International Beer’ section and I enjoyed it regularly. But now I can’t get hold of a drop…

      Also, Jude Law partially redeems himself by being quite good in Sherlock Holmes.

      • Matt says:

        And this wasn’t just any Sam Adams–this was Sam Adams Cherry Wheat special brew. Normally I don’t like fruity beers, but this? Mmmmm…..

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I’ve never been a fan of excessively fancy beer.

          However, if you ever find yourself crossing paths with Innis and Gunn Original Ale then that is quite another matter. It’s 6.5%, largely because they use the casks from the local distellry. Only the Scots would think of it… it’s ale that tastes like whisky!

  4. Zara Potts says:

    I’m with Matt – the bit about Jude Law made me laugh out loud.
    And ‘Bourne: Again’. Heh.
    Funny, James. Very funny!!

  5. Ben Loory says:

    I would like to see more of your films before I write the script, what would you recommend?

    😀

    • James D. Irwin says:

      although he didn’t recommend it himself, Burn After Reading was the last film I watched in 2009…

      • Ben Loory says:

        i hope he didn’t recommend it; that was about the worst movie i’ve ever seen! although brad pitt was about the funniest person of all time in it, so i suppose it sorta balanced out…

        • Brad was pretty much the only good bit about it. That and when Clooney reveals what he’s been working on.

          Frances McDormand always plays such irritating characters.

          I was dissapointed with it.

  6. That was very funny, Irwin. I particularly liked the Bruce Willis one. And I was glad to see another reference to Brad Pitt (after Greg Olear’s post) as I recently watched Kalifornia and never tire of discussing how awesome Pitt’s performance was.

    With material like that, I fail to see why you aren’t still doing stand up.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Greg’s post was the reason I went back to these and posted them. I think Brad Pitt’s acting is kind of overlooked due to his immense fame etc.

      And these work better written down than read out…

  7. Riley Fox says:

    The Bruce Willis letter is goddamn hilarious, sir. “Dine Hard: With A Vegetable” received one of my hardest laughs of the day–and I just got back from an open mic stand-up comedy show.

    –Riley

  8. Dine Hard is one of the best things I have ever heard.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks. Reading through the comments I’m beginning to feel I should’ve dispensed with every word save those two…

      Although I suppose it does need content to make sense— otherwise it’d just sound like an order, or perhaps bizarre advice…

  9. Alexandre says:

    I think they probably didn’t answer because you involved all the same actors in too many projects, they got confused

    • James D. Irwin says:

      They’re all in cahoots. They probably all sat around at a cafe in Hollywood sharing their letters and all forming a pact with regards to ignoring me… bastards!

  10. Ah, crap. Simon beat me to the punch. I was just getting ready to say how much I loved Dine Hard. Oh well, I’ll ride on Simon’s coattails and say it anyway.

    Dine Hard. Fucken hilarious, James.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks man. I’ve been trying to find a good place for it for a while, but ultimately it just works at its best addressed to the John McClane himself…

  11. Irene Zion (Lenore's Mom) says:

    James,
    I cannot imagine why these people did not write back to you. All I can come up with is that your letters were culled from those that these people are actually shown by some uneducated underling servant.

  12. Dana says:

    Honestly James, I bet they’re still crafting (or hiring out) their carefully worded responses. That was awesome!

    And I’m a total bandwagonner, carpetbaggin’, coattailer – but “Dine Hard” is classic!

  13. Greg says:

    Too many good lines to count. I like how it all weaves together, sort of like Burt Reynold’s hair.

    I’m tired of Morgan Freeman, though. Let’s get somebody new to do the voiceover, is my vote.

    (Would have commented sooner, but having technical difficulties…)

    • James D. Irwin says:

      As you said…

      I don’t know… there’s a reason Freeman is the best…

      • Greg Olear says:

        Gloria’s comment got caught in the filters, but here it is. She said: “But Greg, who’s left? James Earl Jones was the go-to guy for a long time. Now we have Freeman. There aren’t many voices of this caliber to choose from.”

        And I say, it’s time to play it forward. If we must have a beefy black guy with oodles of gravitas and a deep voice, let’s get Laurence Fishburne, OK?

        • James D. Irwin says:

          James Earl Jones used to do road safety public service adverts in the 70s/80s.

          I FIND YOUR LACK OF ROAD SENSE DISTURBING!

          I’ve never seen Laurence Fishburne in anything other than Event Horizon. I think his eyes exploded in it at some point…

  14. jmb says:

    Arnold and Sly wouldnt jive with the Dine Hard though right?
    Wasnt Planet Hollywood a three person deal?

    Maybe if it was Dine Hard it would have made it.

    All three of those dudes have small hands.
    Their prints are still in the wall where Planet Hollywood died downtown.

  15. Great one, James.

    Dine Hard, Dine Harder and Dine Hard with a Vengeance. Really, how can you go wrong? I think the last line of one of these epics has to be “stick a fork in me.”

    You are pinnacle of excellence, my friend.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thank you.

      “stick a fork in me lads… I’m done” is one of my favourite things to say, to be said in a proper English stage actors voice…

  16. Phat B says:

    Awesome stuff. If you look into the cast of the upcoming movie “The Expendables”, I think it just might be what you’re looking for. At least cast wise. You’d have to rewrite the script.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/

    • James D. Irwin says:

      I can’t wait for that movie to come out!

      Recently ay university I had to come up with a plot for a film and write a section of the script. It included pretty much every 80s action movie cliche possible… It was basically a Rambo-Escape rom New york love child…

  17. Angela Tung says:

    “bourne: again” – ha! “bjorn again” – double ha! next should be “bjork again” about how bjork is such a fucking weirdo.

  18. Rachel Pollon says:

    Oh my god, James — that was hilarious! Perfect. Fun! Thanks!

  19. Carmen says:

    Lord have mercy, you are one fucking talented writer. I’m still waiting for the missive you should have composed to Morgan Freeman. 🙂

  20. D.R. Haney says:

    Once upon a time, James, you could have earned extra cash by naming porn flicks, which used to pun on the titles of mainstream hits: i.e., “Edward Penishands,” etc. In fact, there was bound to have been such a variation on “Die Hard.” (“Die With a Hard-on”? “Bang Hard”? As you can see, I lack your facility.)

    Meantime, I’m trying to think if there was ever an actor whom I enjoyed watching die — repeatedly. No one comes immediately to mind, but it does beg a question: Has Will Smith ever died in a movie?

  21. Michelle C says:

    Great letters, Irwin.
    I’m shocked, too- none garnered a response? None??

    I can understand with the low-ball “anything between $6-12” offer, but otherwise…

  22. josie says:

    I can’t believe not one of them replied. Obviously their assistants don’t know comic brilliance when they see it, or else they’d have passed on these letters.

    The dine hard comments were great too. Funny how a line or two can jump up and capture the reader’s attention like that.

  23. sheree says:

    Funny stuff…. Cheers to the New Year!

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Happy New Year! Although it will say different on this comment, I am now several hours into 2010. The future is awesome!

  24. Ducky says:

    A ton of fun, James. Thanks!

  25. Grist says:

    To restore discipline and order to your fish bowl, I suggest the introduction of a nudibranch.
    Will Smith died in I AM Legend.
    And it’s Edgar ALLAN Poe.
    While we’re at it, as I never tire of telling the numbnuts at Ring magazine, it’s Jake La Motta (not LaMotta–believe it or not, he told me so himself).
    But there I go, name-dropping again. La Motta could have taken Bruce Willis and Harry Callahan and Chuck Norris all on the same night.

  26. New Orleans Lady says:

    It felt good to laugh even things are so shitty right now. Thanks for that. Great post.

  27. TammyAllen says:

    Brilliant. I loved every letter. The puns were magnificent.

  28. tip robin says:

    Great stuff here, James Irwin. Wry satire framed in parodied letters. Definitely the funniest thing that you’ve written that I’ve read. Keep it up.

    Incidentally, I recently went to University of Texas at Austin and went to a Poe exhibit where I found out that the Ravens were in fact named for the short story. So no, no coincidence there.

  29. […] epistelary adventures of James D. Irwin and Greg […]

  30. […] is a prolific writer of letters: to Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bruce Willis, Jon Bon Jovi, and the editor of Porn Watcher’s Weekly.  To date, none of his would-be […]

  31. Desmond says:

    I surely had a great time watching the film, it was greatly refreshing and quite some days ago i had seen such great acting!

  32. Mat Zucker says:

    I just found these and love them. Are you taking any requests? For example, would you mind writing Jonathan Rys Myers and asking what he’ll do after The Tudors? Or Toby Maguire and ask if he’s going to see the new Spider-Man Broadway musical when it opens. Or even just a quick note to Joan Collins — I’m craving a Dynasty reunion.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks.

      It took me a while to think who Jonathan Rhys Myers was— I’ve only seen him in Bend It Like Beckham and, I think, a kidnap drama with Courtney Love…

      I’ve been in two minds about writing a follow up to this, because generally I always want to do something new. Having said that it was a lot of fun, it’s probably been long enough to not be considered trading on past success and ‘More Unanswered Letters To Famous People’ would make a catchy title.

      I’ll keep those guys in mind. Maguire would be especially good now he’s not Spider-Man anymore. It was that emo dance that did it.

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