Although my father and brother both disapproved of our relationship, things were going great with my boyfriend— he treated me almost like a princess.
But it seems of late that he has lost all his mirth. He lost his father recently and his mother remarried very soon after, which must be tough for him to deal with but all of a sudden he’s like a totally different person.
Until the other day he’d always remained the perfect gentleman. He took me to this play he’d produced and spent the whole time making crude comments and lewd suggestions. I want to be strong and be there for him, but I’m beginning to think that things are never going to work out between us.
And now on top of everything he’s killed my father!
Am I crazy to have my doubts?
Dane in Distress, Elsinore
Dear Dane in Distress,
It’s only natural to have doubts about your relationship during clearly what is clearly a tough and stressful time for you both.
Guys can often forget that they’re not the only ones suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune. What you have to do is remind him of your existence and your needs as a woman.
Try talking almost exclusively in riddles or singing songs about virginity— and if that fails nothing says ‘notice me’ quite as emphatically as a suicide.
I went to see my ex-wife today only to find the mutilated corpses of her and her ‘friend’ in the front courtyard.
Now I’m worried everyone will think I did it.
What should I do?
Innocent of Los Angeles
I assume you’ve already written a public letter expressing your innocence?
Try acting innocent— you know what they say, ‘innocent by name, innocent by nature.’ Your best bet is to go for a relaxing drive in an SUV to show you feel reflective but clear of conscience. There is a small chance that some people will interpret this as fleeing, which is why a novelty face-piece is essential— maybe a fake beard?
Dear Dr Jim,
I’ve recently discovered that whilst I’ve been working overtime to keep my carpentry business afloat my wife has been seeking solace in the arms of an omnipresent deity and now she’s pregnant with his child.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my wife, but I know she’d be better off with Him. I mean he created all life in less than a week and he’s always there for her whilst I could only knock out a few cabinets in that time. Of course I’d have to spend so much time working I’d barely be present, let alone omnipresent.
And now with them having a child in the way it just feels like I’m the one in the way.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my wife but I want to do the right thing for her and the baby…
Cuckold Carpenter, Nazareth
I’ve heard from many men in your position, and believe me, it always ends the same— the omnipotent lothario soon tires of his mortal matrimonial meddling, whilst the woman becomes desperate to rid herself of such a controlling, overbearing presence.
Stick out the rocky patch and get ready for parenthood. Christmas is a stressful time, and the new arrival won’t make things any easier!
Heil Dokter Jim,
I’ve been married to the love of my life for less than three days and already we’ve hit a rough patch.
We already had like, this massive row over the honeymoon— I wanted to go to the Bahamas or maybe Vegas but he wanted Russia. But he just sent all his work buddies instead and decided we’d just stay in our poky little bunker instead.
It’s ridiculous. Maybe it would be okay if we were alone but we live with his best friend and their whole family. They’re always getting together and making jokes or coming up with crazy schemes and here I am— his new wife— with only his stupid dog for company. I don’t even like dogs!
But that’s nothing next to what he wants me to do now. When he came over and whispered that he wanted us to do something intimate together I thought he finally He wanted to do something a bit kinky— I mean he’s the guy that was all about coprophilia when he was trying to get into art school!
But no, he’s got hold of some of those Zyklon B tablets you’re never hearing about in the press and he wants us to enter into a suicide pact.
I’m not so sure— what should I do Dokter Jim?!
Conflcited Newlywed, Berlin
Dear Conflicted Newlywed,
I always find love can be the bitterest pill to swallow, although I’ve never tried this Zyklon B (is it anything like Ecstasy?). Anyway, the pill represents love, but only you can decide whether you want to swallow it. Unless he has a gun. And a total sense of panic.
Dear Doctor Jim,
I was created in a lab, and frankly I’m quite hideous— so hideous that my creator abandoned me!
Ever since I’ve been trying to make myself feel better by wreaking vengeance on his family, but this only makes me feel worse. I’ve discovered that it’s not looks, but actions that maketh the monster.
How can I break this terrible cycle of violence? All I want is to feel accepted.
A Very Modern Prometheus, Geneva
It sounds like you have a total lack of self-confidence. Try my book There’s No Such Thing As Ugly available for just $34.99 from my website, www.drjimsbrainfood.org.