July 19th 2008


Mom,

 I know you must have been worried sick about me. It’s okay, I’m safe and it’s not your fault.

 I’m not running from you-— I love.

It’s because of Larry.

I’m safe here— it’s a commune for young people like myself to live away from the normal rules of society. It’s like, sooo liberating.

I’m only trying to make Larry jealous.

That’ll teach him for fucking that Starbucks barista whilst I was having my appendectomy.

Has he called?

Love

Alex


 

July 28th 2008

Mom,

Relax. This isn’t some crazy cult like you keeping making out. You are NOT a terrible mother. I told you, this isn’t about you. This is about me and Larry.

Is he still with that coffee slinging slut? I hope she gets a yeast infection.

Anyway, even if Number 1 did try and ‘brainwash me into being his sex slave’ there’s no way it’d work. I don’t fall for mind games like that.

And he’s got like six wives or something— what would he want with me?

Still love you, but not coming home. So happy here!

Alex

P.S Thanx for the care package!


 

August 2nd 2008

Mom,

No, I don’t have ‘confidence issues.’ And if I did it certainly wouldn’t be because of what Larry did with a glorified waitress in the back of his uncle’s shitty SUV.

I know I’m a beautiful young woman, that wasn’t my point— I wasn’t subtly asking for you to pay for a nose job either. My point was the guy has six wives… even Larry would be satisfied with that!

And who says I’d be interested in him anyway? Just because he’s in a position of power doesn’t stop him from looking kind of creepy. He’s all scrawny with like, this barely there beard and totally gross dirty hair. He’s no Johnny Depp— I don’t care what the group mantras say about him; he’s totally not my type.

I know you’re just worried about me, but really, everything is just great here.

Love

Alex


 

September 5th 2008

Mom,

Great news! Guess who just got ascended to the second rung of the outer sanctum?!

And this from the girl voted ‘Most Likely to Be a Homemaker’ in High School. Ha! If only they could see me now!

I bet that stupid coffee girl will never do better than branch manager— and she’ll only get there by sleeping her way to the top.

I never want to leave here— it’s just so great. I never thought I’d feel this enlightened. I was spiritually awakened last night by Number 14— if things work out you could be a Grandma soon! Exciting, right?

All Power to the Celestial Oak and his Prophets

Alex


 

September 20th 2008

Enemy of the Celestial Oak (and his many Prophets),

This is NOT a cult.

If you want to talk about cults then why don’t we talk about YOUR cult of atheism, hanging on the every word of your infallible leader Richard Dawkins and angrily reacting to those who disapprove?!

Yours is a cult of spiritual emptiness, sexual repression and material things!

How do you like the violation of YOUR ‘false truths’?!

Still no word from Larry?

Alex



 

September 29th 2008

Enemy of the Celestial Oak/Mom,

I’m sorry for the last letter.

I said a lot of things I didn’t mean to— except the bit about Number One. Really, Wow!

You might be interested to hear that since embracing the Celestial Oak with mind and body I’ve now been ascended to the inner sanctum. Things are working out great.

Next week is my ceremonial entwinement with Number 14— yes, it’s official!

I’d really love for you to come, but the Elders are very strict about allowing ‘outsiders’ into the community. We consider you to be impure and corrupting spirits— no offence! Hopefully I’ll be able to send you some photographs of the ritual…

May the acorns of understanding within you grow into mighty trees of love,

Number 34

P.S. I take back what I said about Number 1; the mantras were true. WOW!



 

October 3rd 2008

Mom,

I’m sorry you didn’t feel up to responding to my last letter.

Anyway, things are getting very busy here. On top of preparing for my ritual I’m now in charge of catering for our Christmas party— a little early if you ask me, but who am I to question our Celestial guides? Not even the Elders are permitted such impudence!

I’m mentioned in the community newsletter. I’ve included some clippings.

I hope you can be happy for me,

34


P.S. What’s Larry up to these days? Did he get into college like he wanted?




 

 

 

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James D. Irwin is a British writer based in the Hampshire countryside. His work has appeared online, in print, and on stage. He can be contacted at [email protected]

33 responses to “Letters to Make Larry Jealous”

  1. Jordan says:

    Very funny! & the dates are very well calculated, I like the fact that there’s just over a month between the previous and the letter where she talks about having “ascended to the second rung of the outer sanctum”.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks— the dates were kind of randomly done at first and luckily they kind of made sense. I left that until last, and would have included days of the week but I couldn’t be bothered to research the 2008 calender…

  2. TammyAllen says:

    Finally! Something to believe in.

    Funny.

  3. Marybear says:

    all hail Hypnotoad !

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Hypnotoad has nothing on the Celestial Oak!

      I wouldn’t say that to his face though.

      Because of the whole hypnotism thing.

  4. Roy says:

    “you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”

    Ha! Ceremonial Entwinement ..I actually visualize little people spooling twine around #14 and #34

    This could be a M. Python story board

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks Roy.

      Lord knows what the Ceremonial Entwinement ceremony would involve… the Lord of course being the Celestial Oak…

      Even the vaguest of Python comparisons are always appreciated…

  5. sheree says:

    Your post reminds of a song I know and sing. Here’s a verse for ya.

    Tastey food and matching suits
    for all deserving new recruits
    If you come be different like us.

    Funny stuff. Thanks for the read.

  6. She’s a little runaway, eh?

    • James D. Irwin says:

      that was a title I considered, before deciding it was a Sambora solo too far…

      • Ha! You know how Zara always says Clive Owen makes her skin crawl? That’s Richie Sambora for me. Especially when he gets out that talk box. Don’t know why, exactly.

        This was a laugh-out-loud piece, btw. My favorite part — the clipping with red-ink underline and exclamation mark.

        • James D. Irwin says:

          I’m still upset Clive Owen didn’t get to play James Bond, although Daniel Craig is still pretty good.

          Thanks— I was worried this wasn’t that funny. Originally it was just going to be a newsletter. Which was a nightmare to do by the way. I still can’t get the tags off the side of the screen…

  7. Grist says:

    Clipping with red ink underline was good. Don’t worry about Clive Owen, he’ll be OK.
    Now, quick! A dialogue between the Pope and Queen Elizabeth II.

    Deep down, you know what they’d say to each other.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Cheers.

      Queen: oh Lord, the Pope.
      Pope: hello your majesty
      Queen: you’re not a proper Head of State.
      Pope: well, you’re not the proper head of the CoE
      Queen: touche. just please the Catholics, try not to bugger any kids, and for the love of God don’t say anything controversial!
      Pope: fair enough

      (Pope exists Palace)

      Pope (to world): Hey, that Dawkins is a bit of a dick, am I right or am I right?! Yeah, high-five!

      Queen (despairingly): oh Christ…

  8. Rachel Pollon says:

    You really shouldn’t read other people’s private letters, James. Larry meant a lot to me and I was on a, er, journey.

    😉

    Funny!

  9. Judy Prince says:

    Um, I’m gonna be late to the Self Sacrifice, Irwin. I’m just so down bcuz of the Ceremonial Entwinement between 14 and 34. I have always loved 34 but have been too self-sacrificing; thus, he has not known of my existence (well, of course, beyond the Ceremonial Grooming-for-Entwinement-Possibilities every October, at which I breathed upon his purple leather gloves, hydrating them in order that he be able to have them mold to his stupendous fingers, but he only had eyes for 14). I’ve considered breathing upon his eyes to hydrate them from looking at 14. But no that would be counter to Fallible Acorn writ as well as Celestial Oak tenets-to-live-by. We don’t hydrate; we moxify.

    Could you please introduce me to 49?

    Entwinely yours,

    38

  10. Judy Prince says:

    Oh, Irwin. Is 34 gonna be ascended to the Forest of Enlightenment bcuz of the Self Sacrifice Ceremony? Wow. That’s soon. 49 times with 34, and so little time! I hope he brings his purple leather gloves. kinky.

    Yr Blushing Maiden from New Hampshire (Avenue).

  11. Judy Prince says:

    Lord of the Celestial Oak will likely suffer a dearth of little Oakite (oops, Acorn) followers after the ritual Self Sacrifice, so levity and reverence will be unnecessary, dontcha think?

  12. Ashley Menchaca (NOLAdy) says:

    Irwin, where do you get this stuff? I mean, really.
    Thanks for the laughs.

    PS-Sorry comments have been in short supply. I’ve been reading but moving on to something else before I post my thoughts. <3

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks Ashely— I wish I knew. That’s not false modesty of anything, I really fucking wish I knew rather than what usually happens: a week or so of panicking that I’m never going to come up with another good idea ever again, followed by a crippling fear that *this* idea isn’t that funny etc etc…

      It can be genuinely quite a stressful experience.

      But it’s worth it to get lovely people like you saying nice things about it… thanks.

  13. Mark Sutz says:

    Irwin,

    Funny, as usual….I especially like this moniker, Celestial Oak.

    In a country as filled with wingnuts and screwballs as mine, I find your piece not especially out of the realm.

    You have a good, odd mind. Nice to peek inside it like this.

    • James D. Irwin says:

      Thanks— the cult name makes me think of Rush. I didn’t put much thought into it, but it lent itself well to the purpose…

      A lot of people beleive in a lot of nonsense…

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