Dear Fetus

By Jeffrey Pillow

Letters

Dear Fetus,

At 22 weeks, your mother and I will learn whether you are a boy or a girl. My mom—your Gammie Pillow—has informed me the exact date is December 20. (I believe she has an internal countdown meter, which projects all of your life’s milestones) Just to forewarn you, I will probably make some uncalled for comment during this particular ultrasound.

Scenario A: Doctor says you are a boy
DOCTOR: And that right there is your baby’s—
ME: Oh my gosh, is that his penis? It is enormous.
DOCTOR: No, that is his leg.
ME: I’m pretty sure that is his penis.

Scenario B: Doctor says you are a girl
DOCTOR: And that right there is your baby’s—
ME: Oh my gosh. My daughter doesn’t have a penis, does she? That thing is enormous.
DOCTOR: No, that is her leg.
ME: Oh, thank God. I thought my daughter had a penis.

That is when your mother will give me the evil eye. Actually, your mother will probably lecture me prior to the visit not to make any penis comments. I will still make a penis comment.

Love,

Daddy

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JEFFREY PILLOW is a contributing writer for The Nervous Breakdown and Hoops Addict. He lives in Charlottesville with his wife, daughter, and dog -- three separate entities. A certified basketball junkie, he also loves cheddar cheese and poorly crafted science fiction thriller films involving cold-blooded animals and bad acting. SEE Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. His work has appeared on Yahoo! Sports, USA Today, and 16 Blocks magazine et al. Visit him online at www.jeffreypillow.com.

43 responses to “Dear Fetus”

  1. Gloria says:

    PENIS!!

    Golly, congratulations, Jeffrey. This is great news! Here’s to hoping there’s no penis where a leg should be.

  2. Quenby Moone says:

    You don’t need to worry about the penis. When they pop out as fully-baked humans, they are positively ENGORGED. Really.

    Like, enormous. Both sexes. But the boys–wow. Just….wow.

    Congratulations, sir! Nice swimmers you got there!

    • Ha, yeah. One of my former co-workers (who had a baby boy) said upon his son’s exit from the womb, that he was blown away by the size of his balls. It was hilarious. He was like, “those things,” and he held up his fist, looking at his knuckles, “were the size of my fist and I’m a grown man. The ball had some balls.”

      Thanks for the congrats. I’m like on Cloud 9. Really. It’s pretty ridiculous how proud I am. I get more excited each day and the due date isn’t till the end of April.

  3. dwoz says:

    You were mistaken.

    That was a baby’s arm, holding an apple.

    congrats! It’s an amazing experience.

  4. Joe Daly says:

    This would be a great moment to capture with your phone’s voice recording function. You’ll want to play that back at Christmas for many years to come!

  5. This was great, Jeffrey. It also gives me an idea. The next time I’m in NYC perhaps I should have someone take a photo of me by the Empire State Building. Then later, someone can say, “Oh, I see you have a picture of yourself next to the Empire State Building.” To which I’ll reply, “Uh, I’m pretty sure that’s my penis.”

  6. We have very similar minds… I could see myself saying exactly the same thing.

  7. Simon Smithson says:

    Nothing is funnier than an unexpected penis.

    Also, congratulations!

  8. Zara Potts says:

    I second Simon – nothing is funnier than an unexpected and slightly inappropriate penis.

    This is lovely. You better keep this for your bubba! How exciting! Big congrats to you and your lovely wife and all the extended Pillow family!

    🙂

  9. dwoz says:

    Just a little friendly bit of advice as you go into the ultrasound.

    Call ahead, and ask to have a recording of it made, and if they need you to bring in any kind of blank media for them to transfer it to.

    For the most part, they don’t record routine ultrasounds unless there’s some reason to, but the particular office you go to may need a little advance setup to provide it to you. There are also HIPAA rules that sometimes get cited for reason NOT to give you a copy…Better to ask ahead than find out when you’re there that they can’t do it.

  10. Irene Zion says:

    Jeffrey,

    Whoever your baby is, you and your wife will know in your gut that it is the best baby ever.

  11. Hey, man, congrats on the coming child, regardless of their immediate attributes.

  12. Uche Ogbuji says:

    Mazel Tov, man! The sex organs will mind themselves, never you worry 🙂

  13. Matt says:

    Well done, Jeffrey!

    Have you talked your wife into naming it “Jello” yet?

    • D.R. Haney says:

      Or, how about, if the baby is a girl, Willow? Willow Pillow? Yeah, I agree.

      (Congrats to you and your wife!)

    • @Matt: Our baby book says we aren’t allowed to name our children after a pet’s name we already have. That also rules out Mozzarella. I have a dog named Mozzarella too. Motzie for short. Cheddar is still an option, however.

      • @Dana: My wife has a family name of “Comfort,” that being her grandfather, dad, and brother’s middle names. I established long ago, our child would not have that middle name or first name, not unless we go with Comfort as a first name and a biblical middle name as “Abel;” that way we could have a Comfort Abel Pillow, a variation, obviously, of comfortable pillow 😉

  14. Judy Prince says:

    Awesome, Jeffro!

    All pure joy to you and your wife for the soon-birthed baby, whether mammary’ed or penis’ed!

    The doctor’s first utero-viewing of my d-in-law’s twin boys brought forth this comment from her: “Oh! Really BIG…..noses!”

    And, indeed, they were.

    • She will be mammary’ed. We’re having a little girl. Found out Monday.

      re noses: Considering the beak that runs in my family, I’m surprised the doc didn’t give us the same comment. I like to think of my nose as very Greek statue-esque personally. Helps the self-esteem.

      • Judy Prince says:

        How splendid, Jeffro—-all congratulations and blessings to you and your wife and your sweet daughter!

        Your little girl will be your special darling, and you will be hers. You will be the model against which she compares all of her suitors. And she will cost more than a boy to raise, sez Rodent who has both son and daughter. It’s true, but, then, it’s The Way Things Are. 😉

        Re the big nose, it’s always a distinguishing feature, never a detraction, unless of course you resemble an anteater, which you don’t! So she won’t!

        Let us know the special day, won’t you?

  15. Nice letter, Jeffrey. So cute. I wanted to know the sex of my first baby in the worst way, and all I got from that one measly ultrasound they grant you was, “Uh…I’m thinking it’s a…boy? I think there’s a penis…” Needless to say, I didn’t see one and the whole thing was a fuzzy let down, and part of me wonders how anyone really sees anything via ultrasound. Long story short: baby was a girl, which was fine. I spent my whole first pregnancy flip-flopping between just feeling like it was a boy, then being told it was probably a girl, then being told it was probably a boy, and then it was a girl. I like knowing; it makes you feel closer to the fetus! Now I have two wonderful, beautiful girls. Best of luck to you and yours. Happy ultrasounding. Hope your technician is not a moron.

    • I hear ya’. Sure, they pointed a little arrow to it Monday and said, “It’s a girl. There’s her labia.” But still, I mean, a standard ultrasound isn’t exactly in HD. One of my co-workers was told, even at eight months, she’d be having a boy. And it was a girl. Here’s to hoping the docs got it right for us Monday! Ha.

  16. Dana says:

    Congratulations Jeffrey!

    If indeed you DO have a boy, I have a highly inappropriate gift suggestion for you…

    http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/hung-like-a-five-year-old

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