Dear Robin Lopez,

Please cut your hair. You look like American Idol Season I runner-up Justin Guarini.

You do.

You really do.


I ask you this with the sincerest of intentions.

Every time I watch a Phoenix Suns game, I think three things:

1. Aaron Brooks could be Chris Rock’s double should Chris Rock ever pull a Martin Lawrence (Rebound, 2005) and make a horrible basketball film;



2. If Steve Nash isn’t the spitting image of cigarette smoking, rebel bad ass Kelly Leak from the original Bad News Bears (1976) with Walter Matthau as Coach Morris Buttermaker then no one is; and



3) How you look like that guy from American Idol.

Justin Guarini.

And I’ve never even seen a full episode of American Idol.

Seriously, I haven’t.

No, I’m serious.

And it’s because of the hair.

Not mine. That’s not why I have never seen a full episode of American Idol.

It’s because of your hair that you look like Justin Guarini.

It’s not like you’re suffering from what Andrew Bynum suffers from or Brian Scalabrine. Bynum looks like Tracy Morgan because of the face.



The same as Scalabrine being Michael Rapaport’s doppelganger because of the similarity in facial features.



Although, I take back the latter in some regard. It doesn’t help Scals that he and Rapaport both sport the red do and that Rapaport takes part in the NBA Celebrity Game during each year’s All-Star break.

But Robin, don’t get me wrong. It’s not just you. Anderson Verajao looks like Justin Guarini too, which is why I’m making a carbon copy of this letter and replacing your name with his at every occasion.

I know, I know — the hair is your good luck charm and you can’t just go and chop it off like Iverson did with his trademark cornrows. (Look where that got ole AI: a roster slot with Beşiktaş in the Turkish Basketball League) Your hair is what helps you bring in those mind-shattering statistics you do night in and night out as the Phoenix Suns big man: .1 apg, 2.2 bpg, 3.3 rpg, and 7.0 ppg. Averaging 3.3 rpg as a 7’0″ center is some feat. Very Rodman-esque.

But this letter is the least I can do. I’m only looking out for you.

And hey, at least I didn’t say you looked like Sideshow Bob.

Because although you do somewhat, Varejao has totally got you beat on that one.



Sincerely,

A concerned NBA fan

Jeffrey Pillow


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JEFFREY PILLOW is a contributing writer for The Nervous Breakdown and Hoops Addict. He lives in Charlottesville with his wife, daughter, and dog -- three separate entities. A certified basketball junkie, he also loves cheddar cheese and poorly crafted science fiction thriller films involving cold-blooded animals and bad acting. SEE Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. His work has appeared on Yahoo! Sports, USA Today, and 16 Blocks magazine et al. Visit him online at www.jeffreypillow.com.

10 responses to “Dear Robin Lopez”

  1. And Blake Griffin looks a little to me like Howdy Doody, or rather the monstrous Doody family that Tim Duncan also came from.

    Steve Nash has simply got to be just some kid who sat behind me in high school shop class. I’m always surprised when I see in a pro ball game, who knew he spent that whole class sketching out pick and rolls.

    But yeah, something weird is going on in Phoenix.

    • JP says:

      Tim Duncan has always reminded me of a female deer that just spotted a hunter, particularly when a ref calls a foul on him. Just Google “Tim Duncan foul.” Tim Duncan has never fouled anyone. Ever. In his entire career. Including college.

  2. Joe Daly says:

    Well done, JP

    The shots you came up with aren’t just reasonable facsimiles- they’re dead fucking on. Admittedly, I’m not an NBA guy, so maybe I just wasn’t aware of this stuff, but the cases you make are airtight. Funny and creepy, all at the same time. Dug the commentary too.

  3. Reno Romero says:

    ha! this was great. ha! and ha again! that fucker (I don’t know the dude and have never seen him in my entire miserable life) needs to cut that shit off. I like long hair and had it most of my adult life. but that doesn’t mean i’m for all long hair. that shit looks silly. he does look like that cartoon. hey, have you noticed how chris degarmo of queensryche (he’s no longer in the band) looks like jamie lee curtis? shit…

    • Jeffro says:

      Wow. Chris DeGarmo. That’s a name I haven’t heard thrown around since my days working in construction with the former metalheads of Uncle Screwtape. DeGarmo looks like Jamie Lee down to the penis. That’s what they say at least… that Jamie Lee has a penis.

  4. Simon Smithson says:

    Dude. Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan:

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aHgISFyhhBw/TRtggM7b7WI/AAAAAAAAAN0/YIq7e3KwAA0/s400/jeffrey-dean-morgan-javier-bardem1.jpg

    Also, yes. To concur with JD, creepy-accurate.

  5. Irene Zion says:

    Thank God you had a baby, Pillow,
    Now you won’t be writing so many sports posts.

  6. Jeffro says:

    I’d like to make a revision. I just noticed Busta Rhymes also looks like Tracy Morgan.

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