Dear Robin Lopez,
Please cut your hair. You look like American Idol Season I runner-up Justin Guarini.
You really do.
I ask you this with the sincerest of intentions.
Every time I watch a Phoenix Suns game, I think three things:
1. Aaron Brooks could be Chris Rock’s double should Chris Rock ever pull a Martin Lawrence (Rebound, 2005) and make a horrible basketball film;
2. If Steve Nash isn’t the spitting image of cigarette smoking, rebel bad ass Kelly Leak from the original Bad News Bears (1976) with Walter Matthau as Coach Morris Buttermaker then no one is; and
3) How you look like that guy from American Idol.
And I’ve never even seen a full episode of American Idol.
Seriously, I haven’t.
No, I’m serious.
And it’s because of the hair.
Not mine. That’s not why I have never seen a full episode of American Idol.
It’s because of your hair that you look like Justin Guarini.
It’s not like you’re suffering from what Andrew Bynum suffers from or Brian Scalabrine. Bynum looks like Tracy Morgan because of the face.
The same as Scalabrine being Michael Rapaport’s doppelganger because of the similarity in facial features.
Although, I take back the latter in some regard. It doesn’t help Scals that he and Rapaport both sport the red do and that Rapaport takes part in the NBA Celebrity Game during each year’s All-Star break.
But Robin, don’t get me wrong. It’s not just you. Anderson Verajao looks like Justin Guarini too, which is why I’m making a carbon copy of this letter and replacing your name with his at every occasion.
I know, I know — the hair is your good luck charm and you can’t just go and chop it off like Iverson did with his trademark cornrows. (Look where that got ole AI: a roster slot with Beşiktaş in the Turkish Basketball League) Your hair is what helps you bring in those mind-shattering statistics you do night in and night out as the Phoenix Suns big man: .1 apg, 2.2 bpg, 3.3 rpg, and 7.0 ppg. Averaging 3.3 rpg as a 7’0″ center is some feat. Very Rodman-esque.
But this letter is the least I can do. I’m only looking out for you.
And hey, at least I didn’t say you looked like Sideshow Bob.
Because although you do somewhat, Varejao has totally got you beat on that one.
A concerned NBA fan