Please explain what just happened.
I’m pretty sure I just agreed to do an interview for The Nervous Breakdown.
What is your earliest memory?
Are you kidding? I barely remember last week.I’ve got about 6 brain cells left and they are in a boat screaming, “Who’s got the map?!?!”Actually, even though I have a photographic memory I really don’t live in the past.
If you weren’t a comedian, what other profession would you choose?
Writer, director, editor – something creative where I could make my own hours.
Describe a typical work day.
Get up.Get coffee.Check email.Check news. Jot down news that jumps off the page. Stretch and work out. Rehearse my audition. Make a few business-related calls. Book travel.Write a few jokes. Make lunch.Do laundry.Actually do the audition. Call agents and my manager at the day’s end, and THEN go be funny at a comedy club.Repeat it all the next morning.
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
I don’t like to lie – it means you have to remember more lies to facilitate the one lie.If you don’t want to know the truth then don’t ask the question, because I am about as subtle as a chain saw. I WILL tell you the truth.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
I would have told myself not to be so hard on myself. I would have told myself not to smoke or snort cocaine or ride a motorcycle, and to be more responsible when it comes to money. I would have told myself to always be a gentleman and never lose my class no matter what anyone else is doing.I would have told myself that the harder you work the luckier you get and that what you put out in life is what comes back to you tenfold.
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Not an album, but a song by Bonnie Raitt – I Can’t Make You Love Me – and I would play it over and over again.
What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
Drudge Report, Facebook & Porn Hub.Actually it’s YouTube (one of the most amazing sites ever invented.)
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
Beauty. I try to fill my mind with it, from ocean views to music, written words to human behavior, anything that is truly beautiful that isn’t processed or manufactured.It has to be an organic beauty.
Name three books that have impacted your life.
How the Irish saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill, The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, and Bukowski’s Tales of Ordinary Madness.
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
That’s ridiculous. This isn’t Groundhog Day and life doesn’t work like that… I would try to find other moments instead of living my life around the one brief fleeting moment.That’s just sad.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
I am two degrees from Kevin Bacon.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Nothing! Guilt is stupid! There is no such thing as guilty pleasure – it’s just pleasure. Learn to enjoy it.
How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?
Well, I am a comedian. I paint pictures with words, so words and language turn me on. I like the way singers or songwriters turn a phrase. I like the way writers play with language. I love the ways actors use words, inflection, and subtext. I am always writing and I am a voracious reader. I think in order to be a good writer you don’t need to be well read, but you do need to read well. And often.
Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind your new one hour special, Alive & Kickin’ (now available on iTunes).
It was a labor of love that I wrote, produced, filmed, edited and did all the post on with my buddy Claude Shires. We shot a short film for the opening sequence explaining the old saying “Dying is easy, comedy is hard.” It was something said by a famous comedian on his death bed. This is truly a great special.It’s filmed well and it’s really funny and it is available on iTunes under “Jimmy Shubert, Alive & Kickin’ – The Movie”.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
Work to the top of your intelligence.
List your favorite in the following categories: comedian, musician, author, actor.
George Carlin, Eric Clapton, Charles Bukowski & Hunter S. Thompson, Clint Eastwood & Christian Bale.
If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?
An indie film written and directed by me.
What do you want to know?
Why my government can’t approach problem solving with common sense solutions. I didn’t go to Harvard or Yale, but these people are just fucking stupid. They can’t even do the things they are supposed to do like mail a letter, let alone run health care or handle airport security.
What would you like your last words to be?
That was the best blow job I ever had!!!
Please explain what will happen.
People will continue to sit on their couches and be lazy and fat. They will eat Häagen-Dazs and Pizza Hut and drink Coca Cola and work on their diabetes while they text their votes into American Idol over the AT&T network with their latest iPhone.Because that IS the new American dream – voting on someone else’s dream.No one has any dreams of their own anymore.They will just sit here watching their big screen TV’s that they financed at 34% and receive their high definition satellite signals and they’ll let themselves get distracted by consumerism, Facebook, and those mentally encumbered gindaloons on the Jersey Shore… and then one day they will wake up and realize that they no longer live in a country resembling anything even close to what America once was or used to be… and when they call to complain they will find themselves talking to someone in India. SO WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!