APPETIZERS

Smokin’ Chicken Satay Tastees—if you don’t clean your plate, the terrorists win. Our spicy-pineapple chipotle-grilled chicken skewers are served on a bed of molasses-rubbed cornbread, piled high with honey-toasted crispy tortillas strips and served alongside sweet-bleu Dippin’™ sauce. For a true taste of Indonesia, minus the effort of international bridge-building—$3.59

French Onion Soup—we go next door and buy the onion soup they sell there, then bring it to you, still warm, sort of. After it occurs to you that you’re eating French food, your server will help you relieve your shame by sharing a good Sarkozy joke or two.—$4.99

Tuscan Bread Bowl—say bon appetit! We core an entire loaf of Russian bread, then fill it with our special hothouse pico de gallo hummus and chopped callaloo. Did you finish the entire thing yourself? Hide the evidence by eating the bowl. For added fun, every serving arrives at your table with six sparklers and a mariachi band.—$3.99

Salad-Tossers™—your waiter personally throws each bite into your mouth.—$3


BEVERAGES TO GO WITH YOUR STARTERS

Specialty Cocktails—$10

The Lonely Traveler Martini—we make a classic martini, strain it into a martini glass, then dump it out. You consider your empty glass while reflecting on the transience of life.

Red Bull and Hi-C Sangria—the fruity taste is so exciting, you won’t sleep for six days.

Normal Beers$4

Budweiser, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Yuengling

Beers That Will Earn You Suspicious Looks$8

Trappist Ale, Cherry Lambic, Weissebiere

 

MAINS

Secret-Dragon “Stir-Fry”—it may be a little unpatriotic to eat, but it’s good! To offset the security risk of promoting Chinese food, we begin by executing a communist cow. Then we round up all the teenagers in town who listen to Metallica and intimidate them into wearing less black clothing. Finally, we flash-fry the beef strips in a wok (just kidding) with snow peas, barbecue sauce and a whole Maine lobster. A titillating taste of the orient! (Note: all diners must first consent to a background check by the NSA.)—$9.89

Baby-Got-Baby-Backs—an entire side of pork is marinated in sweet cider overnight, then we hang it in a YMCA sauna for a month. Broiled to perfection.—$7.89

Grilled Sole Scampi Asada—delivered to your table by our dayboat skipper, Captain Dave, who will sit down and, despite our stern warnings, probably ask you to have a serious talk about overfishing in international waters. This delectable Cuban-Roman wonder encourages heavy drinking and very little eye contact. (Warning: management not responsible if your night ends in a threesome with Captain Dave.)—$11.99

Crispy Pizza “Napolitano”—we serve it upside down on a sizzle platter. A free visit to the emergency room is included.—$8.29

 

DESSERTS

Note: all menu entries have enough sugar to be considered desserts. Just pick another entree.

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KEITH DIXON is the author of two novels, Ghostfires and The Art of Losing. In May 2011, Crown will publish his memoir-cookbook Cooking for Gracie, based on food-writing first published in The New York Times. He lives in New York City with his wife, Jessica, and his daughters Grace and Margot, and spends much of his free time wishing he had more free time.

You can learn more about Keith's books, and read excerpts of his writing, at readkeithdixon.com.

12 responses to “Today’s Menu in Hell”

  1. Nicole says:

    “You consider your empty glass while reflecting on the transience of life.”

    A truly hellish menu item…not much worse than moping over an empty glass except knowing you didn’t empty it.

  2. Keith says:

    thank heaven for full martini glasses…

  3. I’m all for a plate of Secret-Dragon “Stir-Fry.” Although, I wish you listed desserts. Thanks for the fun read!

  4. nancy Dixon says:

    Instead of stern warnings, how about bow warnings? A pun and its……….

  5. Zara Potts says:

    Ha! This was lip-smackingly good.
    But I was really hoping that somewhere in here I would finally find out just what exactly a ‘Bloomin onion’ is? It sounds like it should be on the Hell menu…

  6. I think the Tuscan Bread Bowl is my favorite. Maybe because I live in the land of mariachi-flanked restaurant tables. This is hilarious! I mean, your article is hilarious, not the fact that I live in the land of mariachi-flanked restaurant tables …

  7. I heard the guy that ordered the Sangria and Tastees was hospitalized for exploding stomach syndrome. Is that urban legend or truth?

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