Please explain what just happened.
Not sure. Kind of feels like I’m in a dream where I’ve graduated from school and still have a homework assignment due.
What is your earliest memory?
A bunch of things from when I was two-years-old at home in Hummelstown, PA. My parents back up my account.
If you weren’t a comedian, what other profession would you choose?
A WWE manager along the lines of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Mr. Fuji, and Jimmy “Mouth of South” Hart.
Please describe the current contents of your refrigerator.
What verb best describes you?
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
No matter what people say in 2004, put all your money on the Boston Red Sox.
What are the steps you take to regain your composure?
Either praying or singing Phil Collins’ “Sussudio” at the top of my lungs. Sometimes both.
Having a dream or vision and making it happen.
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
My childhood television viewing and God.
What change do you want to be in the world?
I want to do a worldwide petition so the tickets at Chuck E. Cheese can be turned in for something cool…like a spaceship.
Are you pro- or anti-emoticon? Please explain.
Not a huge fan. (:
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
I worked with his wife on a sitcom on ABC that nobody watched. I’m guessing probably even Kevin Bacon didn’t see it.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Wasting time. Kind of like writing this. Sorry. That was mean.
Please list three things you never leave home without.
My phone, bible, and notebook for ideas.
What is the worst piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?
“On comedy the audience is always right.” I hate this advice. The fact is that audiences hate change. When Conan took over for Letterman, people didn’t like him for two years. When Jon Stewart took over for Kilborn, all I heard for a solid year was that people missed Kilborn. Now audiences can’t imagine comedy without the two. The audience isn’t always right.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
Talent wins out in the end.
What do you consider the harshest kind of betrayal?
Lying or deceit from someone you’ve helped out.
Of all the game shows that have graced our TV screens throughout history, which one would you want to be a contestant on and why?
“Who Do You Trust?,” because I’m kind of obsessed with Johnny Carson.
What do you want to know?
“I want to know what you’re thinking. There are some things you can’t hide. I want to know what you’re feeling. Tell me what’s on your mind.” Sorry. I can’t get that ’80s song out of my head.
What would you like your last words to be?
I’d like to thank cyborg Willard Scott on the “Today Show” when he announces that it’s my birthday.
Please explain what will happen.
I’m going to cut and paste these questions and email them. Right…now.