As part of a series of ongoing efforts to better serve our community, a large portion of individual users will be asked to submit returns this year.We refrain from using the word “taxes.”Suffice it to say that if you are reading this, you have the good fortune of being a part of this exciting new initiative!Please take a moment to complete the following.Our sincere hope is that, one day, ours will be the only annual form of its kind you’ll need to file!

1) Were you aware that you would be asked to pay for your 2010 use of Facebook’s services? If no, check all lines below that apply:

_____declared your full-time employment as a “professional updater”

_____once described our site in the status field as “a staggering waste of time” or “a portal of infidelity” only to wait patiently to see what kind of comments you might get

_____expected unending service from anything else entirely free of charge

2) Please provide social security number and personal bank account details here.Naturally, we have this information.We just enjoy seeing how much you can remember.

3) In a separate attached file, itemize all posts, from the most “liked” and commented upon to the least.If you received nothing whatsoever on any posts in the past year, please make a case in the space provided on Schedule F of the value you could possibly represent to us and your friends going forward.We encourage you to make it interesting.

4) List the names of either, or both, of your parents who friended you in the past year.

5) List all of your own children with whom you have become friends.

6) If you have subtotals from both lines, can we all just agree that they cancel each other out for now?

7) Place an X beside the item which bests describes your general status in 2010:

_____ Famous.

_____ Always assumed you were famous within your group of non-famous persons.

_____ Starred in a major motion picture, was elected to a public office at the national level or won a Nobel Prize but still didn’t receive any cake icons for your birthday last year.

8) Have you had your widely-posted political protests shut down because it wasn’t serving the interests of the State and its Almighty Leader?

9) Were you, at any time in the past year, an Almighty Leader?If so, please read the tutorial on our “Getting Started” page to complete your profile.

10 If you are pretty sure you toppled several despotic regimes around the world thanks to the profile photo of yourself wearing a “Subvert the Dominant Paradigm” T-shirt, please fill out Schedule N.

11) Below is a list of popular Facebook scams.Please check all that you fell for in 2010:

_____a supposedly hilarious video of you

_____someone with an application that lets you see who’s reading your profile

_____someone who claims to know Facebook’s IPO date and market valuation

_____ someone insisting, in an acerbic, smart-alecky tone, that IPO is Internet-speak for “In my Pompous Opinion”

_____an invitation to tweet

12) Did you choose to speak to your life partner through his or her wall last year?Multiply each instance by 3% (0.03).  Use the rate of 6% (0.06) for every time in which this occurred while both sitting in the same room.

13) If you’ve never met your life partner in person, you may claim this as an exemption.

14) Add total number of friend requests that you let languish for over a month until it became too embarrassing to accept them.

15) List all friend requests you actively ignored, hoping this taught them a lesson after what they did to you all those years ago and that being treated in this fashion has really made them reconsider things.

16) Add total number of friends who are better described as enemies, though you found yourself misty-eyed after the video he or she posted over the holidays.

17) Check here if you believe that every day is a miracle.

18) Check here if you can’t WAIT until winter is over.

19) Check here if you shared the post “I am awesome” while muttering out loud to an empty room “I am an idiot.”

20) Check here if it still really hurts.

21) Check here if you never said so.

22) Multiply the number of checks in lines 17 through 21 by the approximate percentage by which you overestimate everyone else’s self-actualization.

23) Add 8% (.8) along with your encrypted password to your subtotal if you joined the fan page of one of the following persons:

_____ David Fincher

_____ Lord Voldemort

_____ Snooki

_____ Lebron James

_____ Joe Biden

_____ a newly hatched bedbug nymph

_____ Aaron Sorkin

24) Calculate the number of times you mentioned the excellent films Black Swan or The King’s Speech or even Toy Story 3 in a post.Multiply by $250.Apply this to your standard deduction.

25) If you own an actual paper copy of Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” issue, add 12% (0.12) to your standard deduction.Double that amount if you know the correct number of freckles pictured.

26) List total number of posts in which you mentioned your enjoyment of a Facebook-sponsored product.Include, each time you “liked” a sponsored link, assuming it was a friend’s genuine interest in said product.

27) Calculate number times you wondered to yourself if all your friends were collectively able to read your mind.  (Feel free to include a contribution that will go toward helping us add a mind-reading function to our platform.)

28) Do you believe, truly, that the unexamined life is not worth living?If yes, name one person you may know who still leads an unexamined life.  Receive an additional credit for successfully introducing that person to Facebook.

29) Check here if any of this seems to add up.

30) If you have credit due, please convert that dollar amount into Farmville seeds.Enjoy!

31) If you have a payment due, send check or money order to the address provided and post the total as your status for the day.

32) If for whatever reason, you don’t want to share the above information, please go to your home page and reconfigure the default profile settings.The information may take several days to be fully removed from the news feeds of all your friends.

33) Rest assured, we’re not sure what we’ve just done either.

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NATHANIEL MISSILDINE lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. He is the author of the 2012 travel memoir SAVE FOR FIREFLIES as well as a recently completed novel. Online writings, by turns comical and puzzling, are on display over at nathanielmissildine.com.

49 responses to “Facebook Returns”

  1. Ha! I could laugh at this from way up here on my high horse until #24. Damnit, you got me! But, I did not mention Toy Story 3, not one single time, so that has to count for something. Hilarious post! *Like.*

  2. Ronlyn Domingue says:

    I’d like to file for an extension, please. What is the procedure?

    I am sending this to actual friends from high school–via Facebook–because this is so their sense of humor. (You must have enjoyed writing it!)

  3. Gloria says:

    13. What if I’ve never met my life partner either online or in person? Do I get a Working Single Credit for this?

    28. I’ve found life easier to examine since I deleted my Facebook 8 months ago. I’m pretty sure this disqualifies me for a return.

  4. Tawni Freeland says:

    OMG. This had me ROFL. NATHANIEL MISSILDINE FTW!!!11!1

    P.S Stop reading my mind. (:

  5. Dana says:

    This had me hooting all the way through! And I only cringed a couple of times.

    Reposted. To facebook, of course.

  6. Irene Zion says:

    Nathaniel,

    Both my mother and my father friended me on Facebook, but they have been dead for 20 and 30 years respectively. Does that mean that Facebook has a link to the dead?
    (They don’t say much.)

  7. Joe Daly says:

    Nat-

    Well freaking done! Loved the bits about the scams and liking the Aaron Sorkin page. Clearly your research has served you well. This needs to be linked far and wide for mass consumption.

  8. Lenore Zion says:

    i am so happy that i don’t have any kids at the moment that i have to be facebook friends with. i assume you have to appear responsible if you have kids and you’re facebook friends with them. that is too much for me. i am facebook friends with my mom, but she already knows all about me so it’s okay.

  9. Simon Smithson says:

    Seriously, 15? The sweetest, sweetest taste I have ever tasted (and I’ve tasted it twice now) is when I refused a friend request and they came back and asked again.

    Ah, Ratboy. And also Douchebag Warehouse Dude from a different workplace.

    I’m so happy I don’t have to pretend to like you no more.

  10. Zara Potts says:

    I love it! This is a great and funny post. Now I’m going back to read it all over again!

  11. Greg Olear says:

    Brilliant, man…although you now owe Zuckerberg 15 percent.

  12. Amber says:

    I fanned Lebron. I’m gonna go file my Zuckerberg taxes now.

    The shame…

  13. D.R. Haney says:

    I need to start mentioning a lot of contemporary movies in status updates. I think I’ll get started right now.

  14. Richard Cox says:

    15 is brilliant. 16 – 18 are the worst. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to posting status updates about stuff everyone else is also thinking, like the weather, but of course I’m wayyyy more ironic than all of them, so that makes it okay. Hahaha.

    And like Cynthia, I was humming along pretty well until the Black Swan thing. Damn you, Nat.

    This is hilarious. Nice work, sir.

    • Thank you, sir. But don’t forget that you and Cynthia get deductions. Mentioning other Best Picture nominees could have been instrumental in swaying voters away from that awful, untrue film about those Harvard guys, whatever that film was called. So please, continue to hum along.

  15. Jessica Blau says:

    This is hilarious! I hope you posted it on FB somewhere!

  16. sheree says:

    Great post. I’m looking forward to purchasing a book you’ve authored! (fingers crossed it’ll be soon)
    Your sense of humor, cracks me the hell up. Cheers!

  17. I knew the Tea Party had a purpose, but I couldn’t put my finger on it until now: to enact this hilarious reform.

    To be honest, I had a hard time concentrating after the phrase a portal of infidelity…….

  18. Becky Palapala says:

    It doesn’t appear that my gratuitous cussing and glowering counted for any benefit at all.

    I understood there would be a benefit.

    And where is the penalty for posting 90% (mis-attributed) quotes?

  19. angela says:

    it’s funny because it’s true.

  20. Damn, man, I laughed so hard at this. I’m such a Facebook asshole. I wake up in the morning and sneer at the stupid posts people make, and then tell myself over and over not to make them… So I don’t really update very much. I have, however, made several drunk posts… Never a good idea. Technology was never meant for alcoholics like me.

  21. […] NAT MISSILDINE submits his Facebook returns. […]

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