1. No time.
2. No energy.
3. No idea what you were saying.
4. Your post was part of a series and I figured I’d wait for the next installment.
5. Wanted to leave my feedback at tnb.com regarding the electrical conduit fittings I recently enjoyed, but somehow ended up here.
6. Your piece happened to appear during a widespread lull in commenting at TNB and I didn’t want to buck the trend.
7. Didn’t feel ready to delve into a topic that would steamroll my neatly compartmentalized system of core beliefs and values.
8. Didn’t feel the need to make it obvious I had fully missed the point.
9. Didn’t have the emotional patience to share a moment.
10. Suddenly, not sure if I’m hip to this scene.
11. Stoned on your fame.
12. Still trying to get through your comment thread.
13. Still don’t understand why your comment thread isn’t vastly longer and am at a loss as to how I can help in any way, shape or form.
14. Didn’t catch your piece before it dropped to the bottom half of the home page and then I had to go all the way down there.
15. While reading your piece I thought to myself “This is not what this site is about.” Returned to my own post with its drastic change of tone and little context.
16. Your post was really just a picture of penis. But, oh, what a glorious penis it was.
17. Being from central Pennsylvania, I didn’t feel it was my business to communicate anything whatsoever, nor bother with a comment at this time.
18. Finished your piece and went “Meh.” Turned on television and said “Meh.” Walked into kitchen and opened the fridge to “Meh.” Had to lie down.
19. Deleted my comment after rereading it and discovering that it was all adverbs.
20. J’ai eu une envie irrésistible d’écrire un commentaire en français tout simplement pour montrer que je suis meilleur que tout le monde.
21. In the middle of reading your piece, I googled a term I wasn’t familiar with. Then, clicked on a related link to a video of a clown urinating at a funeral. Then got an alert from the people at Michelle Bachman. Then watched someone falling during Dancing With the Stars. Then watched a TED Talk about what watching Dancing With the Stars is doing to our pre-frontal lobes. Then watched the police tasering more kids. Then redeemed frequent flier miles. Currently lost somewhere in the woods.
22. Not yet wise enough to get away with saying something inappropriate.
23. Gently placed hand on screen as I imagined you doing the same. Counted that as comment.
24. Yours was the kind of piece that came in under my radar and I’ll only remember that I read it at a moment while driving or just about to fall asleep or going under the knife or pulling on a rubber mask before robbing a bank.
25. Withholding comment on one of your pieces until you begin to wonder what’s up with me. “I mean, he comments on everyone else’s stuff,” you ask aloud. Then, on the piece you least expect – Blammo! I leave a “This is a great read. Thanks for posting.” and you realize it still means something.
26. Letting you fill in your own worst nightmare of why someone would be turned off by your post.
27. Came to plaster the entire site with comments about the marvels of enlargement supplements, got stuck actually reading your post and now, here I am, a useless pile of warm tears.
28. Comment got scooped up by the spam filter when it couldn’t differentiate an ad from the edgy self-promotion of my own writing.
29. Heard malware is created by splitting infinitives.
30. Because of that thing that happened between us where I said too much and then you pulled back and I tried to overcompensate and then you seemed irritated and I made a bad joke which was followed by a mutual avoidance for awhile and here we are not able to formally apply for a divorce.
31. Because, hold it, I don’t know you at all.
32. Because I carried a quote from your piece on a strip of paper inside my wallet and it remained the only proper response I could come up with.
33. It occurred to me that I’m not fit to be a writer.
34. It occurred to me that I’m not fit to do anything else.
35. Have already run away with your circus.
36. It was my post.
37. It’s complicated.
38. Still like to pretend I’m new.