John H. Bryan: in fits and starts

Steven H. Strongin: in an Ambien tent

J. Michael Evans: like a log

William W. George: like a log cresting the first descent of a flume

John S. Weinberg: like a log resting mightily atop a sleeping lamb

Richard J. Gnodde: floating in a 24-acre sensory deprivation chamber

Kevin W. Kennedy: face down in an infinity pool of his own vomit

Gwen R. Libstag: while operating heavy, barely controllable machinery

Rajat Gupta: by selling a bet on what time he’ll fall asleep and collecting on side bets to buy more Red Bull

Masanori Mochida: on a pillow made of tryptophan

Gregory K. Palm: during nightly blink

James A. Johnson: sheer goddamn willpower, that’s how

Stephen Friedman: with your lovely wife

John F.W. Rogers: through the year-end meeting on algorithms

Edith W. Cooper: wearing 14 travel eye masks

Lakshmi N. Mittal: by refusing to settle for dreams shown in anything less than HD Blu-Ray

David M. Solomon: in collusion with the apparitions levitating above the foot of his bed

Pablo J. Salome: beside nightlight that casts the words “Oh Shit” in playful pastel patterns around room

Michael S. Sherwood: sucking on leftover roofies

Christopher C. Cole: employing help to grind teeth for him

Lois D. Juliber: full rapid-eye movement during business hours

Debora L. Spar: by venting graphically-detailed nightmares the next morning in the fine print wording of CDOs

James J. Schiro: thanks to enduring refusal to give even the tiniest of fucks

Michael Swenson: underperforming slightly

Alan M. Cohen: until Mr. Swenson clicks him out of the mode

David B. Heller: pretending that his day is an elaborate dream within a dream and by night his conscious mind awakes long enough for him to become a kindly elementary school janitor

Isabelle Ealet: iPad sleep app

Timothy J. O’Neill: gossamer visions of Isabelle

Gordon E. Dyal: finally releasing the crushing guilt over not selecting the right column width on the valuation spreadsheets

Gary D. Cohn: declining to emerge from long winter’s nap

Jeffrey W. Shroeder: not bothering to address the bedwetting

Daniel Sparks: listening to Mitt Romney explain himself at length in soft cooing tones at his beside

Thomas Montag: between apnea wherein he bolts upright, in twenty minute intervals, to declare this year better than the last

Claus Dahlbäck: definitely not weeping

David A. Viniar: with a Breathe Right nasal strip so his snores don’t disturb the First Family

Lloyd C. Blankfein: with hand on the lever that holds aloft a cauldron of boiling lava high over the city proper

Greg Smith: through acute restless finger twinkles

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NATHANIEL MISSILDINE lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. He is the author of the 2012 travel memoir SAVE FOR FIREFLIES as well as a recently completed novel. Online writings, by turns comical and puzzling, are on display over at nathanielmissildine.com.

13 responses to “How Goldman Sachs Executives Sleep at Night”

  1. Gloria says:

    Oh, good. Well, at least they’re all well-rested.

    (P.S. With your wife = hilarious)

    • Perhaps they all could use a little more insomnia, Gloria.

      Also, extra credit if you can guess who was asleep when the above photo was taken (hint: he’s the one in the necktie).

  2. Nathaniel this was absolutely hilarious. “face down in an infinity pool of his own vomit.” Loved it. Thanks.

  3. Shelley says:

    We need laws to rein in humans who admire themselves despite all their crimes.

  4. Wonder if there’s a seen-the-error-of-my-ways memoir forthcoming from one of them, one of these days.

    • I imagine publishers and ghost writers are clamoring to get Mr. Smith to expand last week’s Times editorial. I also imagine someone just informed him of the average take-home pay of most writers.

      Thanks for stopping in, Ronlyn.

  5. Erika Rae says:

    “thanks to enduring refusal to give even the tiniest of fucks”….”not bothering to address the bedwetting”…Oh Nat. This list is gold.

  6. Richard Cox says:

    This is genius, Nat. Thanks for this.

    BTW, have you seen this Star Wars spoof of the infamous op-ed piece?

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/why-i-am-leaving-the-empire%25252c-by-darth-vader-201203145007/

    • Thanks, Richard. I did see the Star Wars spoof, too, and I fully agree that the Empire is “too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation.”

      Surely one of the executives above sleeps in a chamber of the Death Star with his helmet detached.

  7. David W. Long says:

    Yes, how do they? Also got to see more writings of published author Nat Missildine. Safe journey, see you soon.

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