* at the beginning of a list

* on the vanity license plate of a traveling campervan

* to your dog, followed by a beef-and-cheese-flavored snack from pocket, counting on word of mouth to spread from there

* to your demons

* to your high school guidance counselor

* to your parents, not bothering with the new-fangled terminology that uses the prefix “self”

* during a writing workshop, in the margins of the pieces you’re peer-reviewing

* to the salesperson at local Nintendo Wii retailer

* to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

* prolonged resting on your laurels

* by running amok

* media-blasting a press release titled “Not Sure If I’m Supposed to Be Happy About This”

* immediately before Facebook IPO announcement, thereby undercutting the company’s news slightly and forcing outlets to make some difficult decisions over which story to place as the top item for the day

* having the book publicly decried by the Catholic League as an “abomination”

* with a public letter to Stephen King telling him that’s just NOT the way things are done, adding that you’re embarrassed for all of us

* querying publishers and agents with request to use kindly-worded rejection letters as cover blurbs

* sending eleven pounds of marijuana to St. Martin’s Press, hoping they’ll get the point

* sending announcement by mail in pastel blue envelopes with photo of book, discreetly enclosing details to a registry

* bundling into a McDonald’s Happy Meal (French market only)

* offering exclusive chiseled stone tablet version first

* holding an online contest where participants can guess the approximate weight of your own sense of self-importance, then declaring everyone’s guess “low-balling”

* uploading the book under its alternate title “The Sound and The Furie” to Amazon Kindle editions

* scratching title into the back of every iPad at the coffeeshop

* in roughly 70 or 80,000 one-word tweets

* getting Charlotte to spin a word into her web about the book in hopes of delaying inevitable slaughter

* subtly working it into lectures to toddlers

* through allusion

* changing title to something that includes the name of in-joke minimalist writer, riding indifference to glory

* creating a separate Facebook profile for the book, so that when readers ask you where they can purchase said book, you can direct them to a new page which they can “like” and just be done with it

* harnessing the power of hilarious things around your desk at Pinterest

* sending plans to the city of Orlando, FL for a theme park based on your book, including explanation that you’ll be happy to institute a Fast-Pass to cut down on lines for the triple-loop coaster, as long as kids appreciate the metaphor involved

* making it known to the general public that you might also be interested in running for president, if it comes to that

* getting Skrillex to do a remix version of the neurotically repetitive song you whistled during certain writing sessions

* creating “making of” documentary with extended footage of you fooling with title fonts

* with a post-Empire public humiliation that gradually takes places over four or five years

* more wedgies for Franzen

* stopping just moments before announcement to listen to the distinct silence of your book that exists only in your head before it slips forever into something to be ogled

* tweeting that silence

* starting over

* taking suggestions

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NATHANIEL MISSILDINE lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. He is the author of the 2012 travel memoir SAVE FOR FIREFLIES as well as a recently completed novel. Online writings, by turns comical and puzzling, are on display over at nathanielmissildine.com.

11 responses to “How to Announce Your Self-Published Book”

  1. Don Mitchell says:

    Enough. I’ll buy it. Right now.

    • You’ve been talking to my guidance counselor, haven’t you, Don?

      Either that or my dog’s word has spread really fast.

      • Don Mitchell says:

        Privacy laws won’t permit me to respond to that.

        I tried to select “Ground shipping” but that was a non-starter for Hilo delivery.

        Actually “ground” to Hawai’i isn’t as silly as it sounds. Both UPS and FedEx offer it, and it means “ground to the West Coast, air from there.”

        But it seems Lulu hasn’t gotten that message. I can only hope it gets here before I leave for the Mainland.

  2. I’m just picturing a dog standing on a street corner talking Scooby Doo style to passers by about this new book. “Rits rawesome.”

  3. Dana says:

    * immediately before Facebook IPO announcement, thereby undercutting the company’s news slightly and forcing outlets to make some difficult decisions over which story to place as the top item for the day

    Heh.

    Your lists are always solid, Nat!

    • Zuckerberg asked that I go ahead and release my news first, he’s very understanding.

      Thanks, Dana. It’s your comments that are always solid.

      • dana says:

        I’ve had the attention span of a gnat lately (or perhaps a firefly?) so I commented on your funny list and wandered off. Finally just ordered your book. Can’t WAIT to get it. 🙂

  4. I gotta try a few of these. Nothing else has worked.

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