(781): Yes. The answer is no. Shoot, I’m gonna be hurting tomorrow.

(717): I explained that they couldn’t leave the town hall until someone told me how long I’d been unconscious.

(540): Last time I use the word affordable, I can assure you of that. Why is my mouth so dry?

(202): I was at that stage in the evening when I couldn’t tell whose non-connected committee was supporting me.

(910): I told him I felt like keeping my tie on until I was good and finished.

(828): Be there in five. Make sure you’re wearing nothing but the Mitt “handlers.”

(316): We’ll hose that stuff off later. We need to keep moving. The dog is, frankly, the least of our concerns right now.

(415): I’m not gonna stand around and let some guy dressed in black leather lecture me about bonds.

(971): No, I don’t have the faintest idea what state I’m in! All I can tell you is that I’ve had the spins since New Hampshire.

(619): By the time I came to, the primaries were over and I was in some house I’d never even seen before. Then, I’m told that I own the place! What are the odds!

(307): Totally had glitter from the dressage show on my hands during that appearance on Face the Nation.

(313): I will continue to send you the message “Atta girl!” until I get some attention from you.

(719): I can never look the folks from Focus on the Family in the eyes after 2 AM.

(432): Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure it’s not lying if I deny it before someone accuses me.

(603): It was dark and I’d been muttering into the pillow that  those cuts didn’t need to be extended. She paused and then said- Do I even know you?

(774): I’m in no shape to be talking about issues that are social right now.

(781): Once again, you’ve interrupted me during weeping time.

(862): So I told the cop it was 3.7 million. Completely went over his head that I was being ironic.

(212): I’m going to say this one last time- I view hijinks from an economic perspective.

(917): Holy smokes, risk-aversion!

(702): For an evening like this, it’s $10,000 a head. After that…depends what you’re into.

(857): Had the most magical dream. The ticket said Romney/Kerry and the crowd connected with our every word.

(508): I made a promise this morning that I’m never, ever going to let myself feel grounded again.

(334): Every time the guitar kicks up on “Proud to Be An American” I get hit with this incredible epiphany- I’m frightening!!

(801): No worries, bringing the LDS.

(775): I woke with a clown standing next to me, an empty tub of Crisco and all my clothes on except for my flag pin. Gotta get me another one of those.

(310): Kayne told me that humiliating yourself in public makes you popular. Why I am just now finding this out?

(219): We regret to inform you that your termination will be effectively immediately. LOL!

(207): They’re asking me to be myself. Tips?

(802): Perma-grin, again.

(305): Sweet mercy, I’m having the best week ever! No doubt about it- this thing’s a lock!

(734): What d’ya say we stick with complete psychic collapse anyway?

(617): I assume by booty you mean loot?

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NATHANIEL MISSILDINE lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. He is the author of the 2012 travel memoir SAVE FOR FIREFLIES as well as a recently completed novel. Online writings, by turns comical and puzzling, are on display over at nathanielmissildine.com.

9 responses to “Romney’s Texts From Last Night”

  1. seanbeaudoin says:

    Mitt Handlers! I gotta run down to Victoria’s Secret and get some right. this. second.

  2. D.R. Haney says:

    You omitted: “Forgot myself and stood too close to a furnace and started to melt.”

    • The people at the Madam Tussaud’s wax museums must be hoping for a GOP win. Finally, the chance to create something more lifelike than the original.

      • D.R. Haney says:

        He could stand at the entrance like a greeter at Walmart — the person, I mean, not the effigy — and if people stuck pins in him, he would never flinch.

  3. Steve Bieler says:

    You had me at #910, “I told him I felt like keeping my tie on until I was good and finished,” because just for a moment I wondered if I had texted that.

  4. Gloria says:

    “Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure it’s not lying if I deny it before someone accuses me.” I will preemptively be using this approach from now on.

    Have I mentioned how much I love your lists?

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