I got another scene request from a director at Anabolic. It was for someone named Pro Trusion. This was not his real name, of course. The video line he directed was called Oral Consumption. I was hired for a blowjob scene that included some male ass-licking and man-toe sucking. Fine with me. I hadn’t licked any man-ass before, but I was always up for trying new things. I didn’t care what I put in my mouth. I was literally a sucker for a new sexual experience.

My boyfriend wanted to come with me. He still wanted to be in with the guys at Anabolic. I was glad Tyler was coming with me to this shoot. It was at night, and I had to drive all the way out to some remote part of Chatsworth. I didn’t know that Chatsworth even existed until I did porn. Apparently, the district of Chatsworth, deep in the San Fernando Valley in the city of Los Angeles, has a higher concentration of porno companies doing business than any other place in the world. Every major street is decorated with adult industry offices. Anabolic was on Nordhoff Street, at the corner of Owensmouth. The building was ominous, a grey cement two-story warehouse that said ANABOLIC and DIABOLIC in large letters on the front.

Tyler’s eyes were shining like it was Christmas. He was told that any chick that went to the Anabolic warehouse and blew someone could have free shirts and hats. Tyler really wanted some free Anabolic gear. I told him that I would not blow a guy for clothes. That was where I drew the line. What would be next? Fucking for food? Tyler remained hopeful though. He knew he could persuade me to do anything if he threw a fit or made a big enough commotion about it. I was easily convinced. All he had to say was, “Ori, do you love me? Well, then…?” How could I argue? Of course I loved him.

We met a friendly Asian-American guy in the parking lot. His name was Voltron or Wanker. Either one of these fake names was fine to address him by. He had a big beer gut and brown skin. He was probably in his late twenties, but I couldn’t be sure. Asian people have great skin. My mom is half Chinese and has almost no wrinkles. I immediately liked this guy, Voltron. He giggled constantly. His face had an infectious humorous expression that seemed to say everything around him was a permanent joke. I liked that he didn’t take this porno shit so seriously. I felt the same way, that all of this was still a big laughing matter. The sex I was having and the money people paid me made me feel kind of silly. I never intended to do porn, it was a mistake, a happy accident, a detour. This was going to be something I was supposed to look back on and laugh at. Like, can you believe how stupid I was?

Voltron was completely harmless. I would have never suspected that he had previously done time for pistol-whipping an ex-girlfriend. He didn’t even seem like he had a dick. He was entirely void of sexuality. He had a mean sense of humor, but so did I. He was a very sick person, though. He turned out to be a serious drug addict. He is still suspected of murdering his girlfriend, a porno girl named Haley. We will never truly know because Voltron, aka Wanker, killed himself shortly after her death.

Led by Voltron, we walked through the empty office building to the back, near the warehouse. It was past seven at night, and all the employees had long since gone home. There were several lights, called Kino Flos, set up near a couch. Kino Flos are packages of fluorescent lights, the most common lighting equipment in porn. A few dudes were there getting things ready for the shoot. I can’t remember who they were because they were shy. And I was still embarrassed to be there. I wasn’t able to proudly say, as I can now, “I’m Ashley Blue, and I’m here for the blowjob scene and ass-licking.”

Pro Trusion introduced himself. “Hello, pleased to meet you, I’m Pro. Ashley Blue? And, is this your boyfriend?” He was sneering too much to be sincere. He was downright sarcastic. But he was funny. You could tell that he meant to be entertaining. It was clear that he liked attention. Pro Trusion had a speech impediment and sounded like an exaggerated character from The Simpsons. Maybe he had to develop the comedic personality because of his lifelong problem. Spit, white spittle, was flying as he talked.

Bitterness also exuded from this man. He was very unattractive, in looks and personality. He was around fifty years old and was bald and a tad overweight. He told us right away what he wanted us to know about him, his own story, his mythology. At the time, Tyler and I believed everything people told us about themselves. I didn’t think anyone had a reason to lie in porno. I thought everyone was already a degenerate, so there’s no reason to lie and make yourself sound better, because everyone already thought of you as a lowlife. I was wrong about that. Pro explained that he was a rich real estate developer and just directed porno for fun. What he really got off on was rough sex. His Rough Sex series of videos were so abusive that he had to discontinue them. Stores banned his work for the sheer violence toward women. This made him prouder than anything else he’d accomplished in life, he said.

Pro was an incessant talker. When he spoke, he looked straight into Tyler’s and my eyes for reactions. He wanted us to be scared and shocked. Pro Trusion was desperately excited to put fear into me. It was confusing, because he also made us laugh with his clever humor. He was obviously a smart guy. But at the same time we were very uncomfortable by how vulgar he was. He smoked a putrid smelling cigar and bared his yellow-brown teeth around its soggy butt as he talked. He used intellectual words. He was testing my comprehension, trying to see how intelligent I was. He even remarked a couple of condescending times that I was “pretty smart for an ass-licking, little anal whore.”

I just let Pro Trusion talk to me any way he wanted, which was down and rude. Yet another thing to get used to in this porno business, I thought. I shouldn’t expect any better treatment from these pornographers, really. Why would I need his respect? In a few minutes he’s going to see me with my tongue in some guy’s asshole. Respectfulness had a vague meaning to me. It didn’t really bother me to be disrespected on a porn level. Pro wasn’t going to be my friend. I was young and seeking his approval as a porn director, not his respect as a human being. Some sick and sad people in life are incapable of paying such common dignities. I wanted this cretin, Pro Trusion, to be singing my praises by the end of this blowjob scene. Through sexual performance, I was going to gain–I was going to earn–some recognition.

I sat down on the couch with a light pointed at my face. The dude I was about to blow, Bent Brent, was sitting nearby on a chair. He was rubbing his cock through his pants. So was Tyler. Voltron worked the video camera, and Pro Trusion started with his questions. One of his specialties was to ask a girl just the right questions to make her cry on film. His interviews always came first, before the sex. he asked me about my parents–did they know? No, they didn’t, and I didn’t care if they did. He inquired about my aspirations before I decided to suck cock for a living. His goal was to make me feel like a piece of shit. He said, “…because that’s what you are, aren’t you, a piece of shit?” I told him I wanted to be an artist. I was unshaken by his insults. He couldn’t make me feel bad about myself, no matter how much of a jerk he tried to be. How could this guy think he had any grounds to judge me? To Pro’s disappointment, I didn’t cry. He said he wanted to continue the interview some other time, for another scene. Good. Another gig meant more money.

We had to start the blowjob. Bent Brent had a long, uncircumcised penis. It was about ten inches with a curve in the middle. It was like an elephant’s trunk, but I managed to get the entire thing down my throat. It was better to deep throat than to suck because of the foreskin. The smell underneath foreskin grosses me out. It’s sour and resembles the stench of what is in between sweaty toes. Brent’s had a lot of white, cheesy stuff under it, too. Every time he stroked his cock, more would appear. It was like a butter churn.

During the blowjob and ass-eating, Pro berated me. I just licked away at the butthole. It was freshly swabbed with a baby wipe. The ass was much less offensive than cock cheese. Brent had pretty clean toes, too. There wasn’t any visible fungus like so many other porno guys had. The feet were dry and rough with calluses. I sucked each toe individually, then stuck the whole foot into my mouth, as far down as I could. Then I choked myself, taking the extra step. I wanted to show everyone how into this I was. I didn’t want anyone to pity me or think I was doing it just for the money. I don’t–I didn’t–think I was doing it just for the money.

Pro saw me choking myself with Brent’s cock and foot. “Do you like to get choked?” he asked after Bent Brent had dumped his load all over my face. Tyler had gotten turned on during the scene and decided to pop on me as well. Now I was wiping both of their cum off of me. Without much thought, I replied with a yes. I remarked how much I liked it when Mark Davis had done it to me, that I loved it. Mark Davis was the sexiest porno guy ever. He was English and handsome. It didn’t even matter that he was uncircumcised. He could make it work–he could make you feel happy about foreskin. I swooned when I worked with him. He was charming and sexy, just like my own boyfriend, only a  little more. Doing scenes with Mark Davis was like acting out a romance novel.

“Can I choke you?” Pro asked with a dark gleam in his eyes. My compliments about Mark Davis struck a nerve. Pro Trusion didn’t like it when girls talked about Mark Davis choking them. According to Pro, Mark couldn’t do it the right way. “I am the only one who does it right. Let me choke you.” I said it would have to wait until the next shoot. Fair enough.

“Do you like to get pissed on?” Pro asked. He was relentless.

I thought about it, then laughed, looking at Tyler. “No, no one’s ever done that to me.”

Pro gasped, “What? You’re kidding me! You have to try it. You’ll love it! I swear on my children! All girls love piss. Every girl I’ve ever pissed on absolutely loved it! We can do it right now. Can I piss on you?” His yellow-brown teeth were gnashing together with delight. This was a real treat.

I stared at Tyler, sort of in disbelief. I never thought anyone would be asking if they could piss on me. Especially someone I barely knew. I didn’t have a ready answer. So, I responded, “No, you can’t piss on me. If I were ever going to do that, it would only be with my boyfriend. He’s the only one who ever could.” Thinking Tyler was on the same page, I thought I had gracefully dodged the situation. I didn’t want to get pissed on for the first time in front of people. I liked to do everything at home first. Instead of remaining on the same level, Tyler lit up with excitement. “Okay, let’s do it! I’ll piss on you!” This was his chance to finally be in on the action. He’d been sitting on the sidelines for so many shoots and wasn’t satisfied with just being an extra pop shot. He jumped at the chance to piss in my mouth. I don’t know why I thought he wouldn’t.

“No, Tyler, you can’t just piss on me right now. Your pee is too yellow. It’s gross.” I was looking for any reason at all to stop what was already sadly in motion.

“My pee is always clear. Can I piss on you?” Pro wouldn’t give up trying to gain first pissing rights to my mouth.

“No! I’ll drink water. Look, I’m drinking right now.” Tyler chugged down the bottle in his hand, and Voltron handed him another.

“All right, fine.” I gave up and laughed at myself. Not ten minutes earlier I had wiped the cum of two guys out of my eyes. Soon, I would be wiping out piss. Who knows, I thought, maybe I really will love it. I did love it in the ass. Part of me looked forward to any possibility of enjoyment. It would definitely be the most hardcore thing I could be into. Anal sex and piss. There was a ring to it.

Tyler filled up his bladder as much as he could. Voltron and Pro went into one of Anabolic’s employee bathrooms with Tyler and me. The door was wide open for all of the others to watch. I got down on my knees and made sure my face was positioned over the toilet bowl. Ha, now I’m the toilet bowl, I thought. I looked up at Tyler as he unzipped and pulled out his soft dick. I watched the peehole until the pee stream appeared. Then it was steadily flowing into my mouth. It was warm and gross, salty and stinky, all vinegar and sour herbs. There wasn’t a lot of yellow to it, but it was still sour. All the water he drank didn’t make it exactly clean.

The piss filled up my mouth a couple of times there was so much. I just spit it into the bowl. No way I was going to swallow it. After about thirty seconds, Tyler stopped pissing. He couldn’t pee anymore. He was completely hard. Pissing in my mouth gave him a huge boner. I looked at him and said, “Are you serious?”

His erection was very serious. It turned him on big time that I was kneeling over a toilet getting pissed on. I even put my hair into pigtails for him, at his request.

I took the piss into my open mouth with a smile. It was totally ridiculous. I was thinking, Okay, done. Now I’ve tried piss and I can say with truth and conviction whenever someone asks me about it: It’s not that big of a deal. I didn’t love it, and I didn’t totally despise it. I guess it was more for the guy to get off on. Voltron captured it all on video. I consented to have it be taped, and Pro paid me an extra two hundred dollars in cash. He said it would never be seen by anyone else but him, that he had a whole collection of private videos that he kept at home to jerk off to. Stupid me, I believed him.

A few months later, the piss scene in the bathroom ended up on one of Pro’s websites called PissMops.com. I felt like an idiot for trusting this guy. It was out of my control. Once you sign that model release, it’s over. What you did is no longer yours. As the performer, I surrendered absolute consent after I was paid for the footage. It didn’t really bother me to have this surprise video resurface later in life. To tell the truth, I like that people can watch me getting pissed on my first time. I like piss now. By the time Piss Mops was put on to DVD, I was ready for it. Pro Trusion even put me on the front cover.

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ORIANA SMALL is a writer and visual artist from Southern California. As Ashley Blue, she appeared in over 300 adult films—including the infamous Girlvert series (JM Productions)—directed seventeen adult film features, co-hosted Playboy TV’s Night Calls Hotline, and has won numerous adult film industry awards, including AVN’s Female Performer of the Year in 2004 and Best Supporting Actress in 2005. Ori lives and works with her husband, photographer Dave Naz, and her cat and dog in the Hollywood Hills.

29 responses to “Excerpt from Girlvert

  1. Greg Olear says:

    So we can assume Tyler got his t-shirts and hats? ; )

  2. Erika Rae says:

    I want to know the same thing Greg wants to know. Welcome to the golden soup of TNB, Oriana!

    • Oriana Small says:

      Thank you! It’s a pleasure to be here. The free clothing was a myth, as far as I was concerned. It was just another porn-warehouse urban legend.

      • Drew says:

        your my Favorite Adult Film star though most woman to me are beautiful you just have that special something that made me even as a boy care enough to learn the actress name after the a video/porn or other wise oh liked what i read of your Excerpt from Girlvert i enjoy art as well only class i didn’t ditch or sleep threw in high school even went to Pima Collage for a few years only to learn ASL Sign for the Deaf and art think your the girl in porn i Had a true Crush on growing up Ashley Blue Aka Oriana Small saw a pictures of your pets im kinda of a cat person my self i like dogs just not having to walking them and pick up shit well im rambling now just wanted to say your very Prityful lol glad you found love. my girl and me just broke up long story short we both cheated but neither of us like to share. i Would Be Deeply Honored if when you get you would comment on my Face book art Photos and just let me know what you think i live in Tucson and know you have a Husband but it would make my day just to know if you think im cute Hope to here from you though if not wish you the best!.. your long time Fan Drew http://www.facebook.com/andrew.casey.507

  3. jmblaine says:

    This was like
    Salvador Dali
    & Tura Satana porn.

    GG Alin feat. PJ Harvey

  4. Gloria says:

    I want to know if Tyler got his shirt, too. And I would love to hang with someone who was fine being called both Voltron and Wanker.

    Strong writing. I’ve been wanting to read this all week. Really glad I did.

  5. lindsay says:

    ashley blue is absolutely disgusting and like most porn stars, is a shell of a human being with zero self-respect. im not a prude and i actually do have a porn collection (of mainly 70s and 80s porn) but today’s porn is a complete turn-off and disgusting, filthy whores llike ashley blue and sasha grey are the reason why.

    • Wut says:

      Its pretty obvious from this story that she has self respect, at least enough self respect to do what she enjoys without worrying about stupid judgemental people like you. Some girls like that shit

    • Karina says:

      Porn is getting increasingly more degrading and the dudes in this sound absolutely disgusting. Women are constantly marketed as sluts and whores and cum dumpsters (and worse) and nothing about that rings of self-respect. Porn is like a mirror of the reality we live in.

      I don’t trust anyone who can see another brutalized and not feel a kick of empathy. People criticize violent individuals on the news yet, for supposedly “civilized” beings, sure seem to get off on violence, degradation, misogyny, and racism. It’s all just a click away on any given mainstream porn site.

      People say to be open-minded but why should I be open-minded toward people delighting in the degradation of another? What the hell does that say about humanity? And frankly, what separates enjoying your own pain and degradation from the psychological pleasure of self-harm? Filth.

      I found this book fascinating, however. Grotesquely.

  6. Oriana Small says:

    Thank you so much for reading! I’m so happy to be here- it’s so legit 🙂 Tyler did not get his free shirts or hats. Sadly, he (we) had to pay retail for those.

  7. […] there. A few weeks ago, I had set up the TNB feature for Oriana Small, author of the porn memoir, Girlvert. Perhaps you saw a picture of a girl with her fist stuck in her mouth on the TNB Headline banner. […]

  8. Violet says:

    I’ve been thinking about this “piece” for lack of a better word, for the last 24 hours. What desperate darkened souls–the entire lot. Did your parents not clap loudly enough when you might’ve turned cartwheels on the front lawn when you were a girl? I found it odd that you might think another was talking too vulgar. Really? Vulgar doesn’t even begin to touch what you seem to pretend to delight in. Obviously, you love the shock-value…but it’s so grievious to know there are “women” who allow themselves to be degraded in such a base manner, and then glory in it. For money or for free. Where is your soul…buried under all of this pain and shame and false bravado? Please tell me it’s in there somewhere. Who grew you up to think so lowly of yourself? I can only imagine the demons they might’ve been. Perhaps not. Perhaps you slithered onto this all on your own, but I doubt it. I’m sorry for your life and all it represents, even though you aren’t seeking empathy nor approval. Just saddened and sorry. and, I wonder what dreams you might’ve had as a wee girl.

  9. Fabien says:

    I can say that you have balls to write down your story without any fear of the consequences and reactions from people.

  10. nosirrr says:

    can you please comment on the meatpoles choking situation…

    what was going on? whas it real? had you agreed to it?

    seeing that put me in a very dark place–i clicked a link that had been posted on a music production forum of all places–and didnt feel right for about a week…in fact it still bothers me from time to time

    hearing about it from you would be much appreciated in helping me bring some closure to what i saw,

    warm regards

  11. Schmorbs says:

    Oriana, your first name sounds Russian, and your face makes you seem like you are descended from peoples from the steppes of central asia. Besides that bizarre point of speculation, you remind me of a girl I really wanted to fuck ( before she got fat ) and I guess that’s why I like you so much. Another note, would you, or do you know of, fan fucking programs, where you or other female pornstars fuck fans for cash ( provided all tests and papers are signed and stuff ). I would love that. Also, another note. I randomly learned about your choke out video and watched it, to my disgust. On behalf of the male half of humanity I am so sorry about that. Goddamn terrible. Unless you liked it, which, in that case, is so fucked up. Alright, take care.

  12. drgdg says:

    Serves you good whore 🙂 all porn actresses should get this threatment, I hate whores like you.

  13. Orson says:

    Hmmmmm. Let me turn the last comment into MY comment, thusly, inverting it into the praise you deserve: Serves you good, whore. All porn actresses should get this treatment – I absolutely LOVE whores like you! Mmmmmmmm!

  14. eddy says:

    I love the idea of over the top violent porn,not because I hate women,I don’t;but it’s such a turn on I would love to see more violent porn on the market.As far as porno whores they are great they enjoy what they do and they love being abused and treated like the pieces of shit they are so I don’t see any controversy.

    • Karina says:

      You’re fucking disgusting. There’s enough violent porn out there (and torture porn horror movies for you to jack off to) for the rest of existence.

      People like you are the problem. Why would you want to treat someone like shit? Feeling powerless?

    • eddy says:

      In response to Karina I do not feel powerless in any way shape or form, I weigh 310lbs and I am 6’3″ I could subdue any man or woman physically so its not about being powerless its about something in the male psychii which you liberal bitches do not understand, instinctively is a turn on to see a woman manhandled beat up a little nothing major and then buttfucked if she doesn’t like it specially.

  15. Psylo says:

    That excerpt is pretty intense. I saw one of Voltron’s entries on the matter of actresses through some re-posted blog and yeah, that dude was a sociopath. That’s the only way he can work with Mr. Limp Dick Pisser with a clear conscience.

    Anyways, I saw one of your Girlvert videos and though it was a bit too much for me, but one of them made me laugh out loud (the set up part about the 2 dollar wine). Kind of an odd reaction with your naughty bits in your hand and the pants around the ankles.

    I honestly don’t care who’s what or who’s who. If you are making your own content and getting the benefits therein, more power to you.

  16. Just threw up in my mouth a little. Okay, a LOT.

    You’re everything that’s wrong with the female sex. Doing literally ANYthing a guy tells you–even a complete stranger–just for…what? Attention? Praise that your daddy never gave you?

    How about getting your glaring personality disorder in check and contributing to society instead of degrading yourself for others’ amusement? If you can’t do that, seriously consider blowing your demented brains out. I have nothing against porn but what you’re talking about is not porn but abuse. Pure filth. Not on a moral level but from a public health/sanitation perspective.

    Are you literally retarded or what? This behavior has no value and no place in society. As long as women allow themselves to be abused and degraded, we’ll never be taken seriously or respected by anyone who matters. You are a blight on the female gender and should consider offing yourself to make the world a better place.

  17. Oh yeah, and fuck all these perverse woman-beaters in the comments section. You need to be locked up along with the pedophiles and rapists so you can see what this sort of abuse REALLY feels like. Anyone who supports this criminal trash deserves to rot in prison.

  18. Kate says:

    My God, this woman is just a husk of a human being. And her husband is the saddest looking specimen.

  19. You Suck at Life -- Fucked Up says:

    Leave your contact info here You Suck, and I will be happy to come over and introduce you to the pleasures of rough sex. Once you get what it is about, and you do it with someone adept at it, you will find it to be a truly awakening experience.

    Now of course I know that you are not interested. Be that as it may, kindly don’t impose your views on others.

  20. Jorge says:

    “It was better to deep throat than to suck because of the foreskin. The smell underneath foreskin grosses me out. It’s sour and resembles the stench of what is in between sweaty toes. Brent’s had a lot of white, cheesy stuff under it, too. Every time he stroked his ***, more would appear. It was like a butter churn.” and “I just licked away at the butthole. It was freshly swabbed with a baby wipe.”

    I got a question for all you “americanos” out there. Do you know these two simple words: “water” and “soap”? Seems like you don’t at all.
    That’s amazing! You know what? Ancient greeks did already showers and baths 3 thousand years ago… Is water supply a problem in USA?? I didn’t know that for sure until now.

  21. Totoro says:

    I have a lot of respect for the passion and drive you put in to your work. After reading this chapter, I think I’ll buy a copy of the book. I love how matter of fact you are, in a “this is how I do/did business” sort of way. I’ve seen scenes here and there and part of me suspends certain beliefs about the industry around porn production, at least for the jerking off time. In the process of feeding the insatiable during life, as much as we play pretend, it’s helpful to also be true to experiences. I find your honesty valuable and relate-able. Thank you for that.

  22. Chinese American says:

    Oriana, you mentioned your mom is half chinese? What is the surname of your grandparents with the chinese name? Otherwise everyone is going to assume you are part native american instead.

  23. TylerThompson says:

    Hey, Ahley Blue Oriana Small, you still eating dick cheese? Dumpyass body.

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