August 12, 2008

Mr. Statler and Mr. Waldorf

Shady Sunrise Retirement Home & Gardens
Room 22
Terrace Pass Road
Naples, Florida 34102

Dear Mr. Statler and Mr. Waldorf:

This letter is to serve notice of your eviction as residents of Shady Sunrise Retirement Home & Gardens.

In the past 18 months, you are guilty of:

i. Having a variety of items delivered to the manager’s office, then hiding behind the ficus in the lobby (and laughing) as the manager explained to the delivery person that he did not order a pizza, call for a taxi, or request a male Strip-A-Gram.

ii. Two (2) fires that resulted from candlelit séances in your room to summon the spirit of John Denver.

iii. Your infamous “Prank-Call Mondays,” where you telephone every Chinese restaurant in the greater Naples region to ask about their side dishes, only to say, “What kind of a dump serves fried lice?” before laughing and slamming down the phone.

iv. Inviting your friend Rizzo the Rat to use our kitchen as a mating ground—a disgusting prank that resulted in two rather time-consuming and embarrassing visits from the health inspector.

v. “Hiney-Pinch Wednesdays.” (Which, despite what you say, the female nurses do not enjoy.)

vi. Raiding the prescription-medicine closet to acquire ingredients to assist one Dr. Bunsen Honeydew in his quest to invent a longer-lasting form of Viagra.

vii. Referring to every female staff member as “pig” and every male staff member as “frog.”

viii. “Nurse-Chase Fridays.” (And though your friend Animal is banned from our premises, his shrieking cries of “Wo-man! Wo-man!” will, no doubt, forever echo in the minds of the five nurses who cited this weekly event as the reason for their resignations.)

ix. “The Colostomy-Bag Incident” of September ‘06.

x. Hosting countless late-night “beer bashes” in your room that not only broke the “no visitors after hours” and “no animals in room” rules but also resulted in approximately 53 slip-and-fall lawsuits—a tedious and costly ordeal that we feel could have been avoided had your friend Mr. Rowlf the Dog considered his leaky-bladder condition and therefore not attempted to drink his weight in beer.

Surprisingly, these offenses are not what troubles me most. When you gentlemen entered the sales office 18 months ago, you were hesitant about buying a unit, reasoning that our spacious rooms would be a big change from the theater balcony where you were currently residing. In an attempt to make this transition easier, I arranged for you to have a coveted “balcony room” overlooking the pool—much to the chagrin of poor Mrs. Weingartenbaum, who was unceremoniously relocated to a unit overlooking the dumpsters. Then, in spite of my efforts, you blatantly disobeyed our community’s balcony bylaws by calling out to poolside visitors with comments that were rude and distasteful.

Here now is a mere sampling of your antics from a single day, May 13, 2006, as recorded by your fellow residents.

7:30 a.m.

When Mr. Nichols was stretching before his morning laps.

STATLER: Do you think it’s right for a man of his age to be swimming?

WALDORF: Sure … with the fishes!

9:42 a.m.

As Mrs. Needlemyer was floating in the pool.

STATLER: Waldorf, quick! Call Sea World! One of their whales is swimming in our pool!

WALDORF: That’s not a whale! That’s Mrs. Needlemyer. Can’t you tell the difference?

STATLER: Of course. Silly me. Whales aren’t nearly that big!

2:27 p.m.

While Mr. and Mrs. Donagee were relaxing in the hot tub.

STATLER: Have you ever seen so many wrinkles in one place before?

WALDORF: After looking at those two prunes in bathing suits, I doubt I’ll ever see so many again!

Lastly, there is the issue of our Saturday-night revues in the community clubhouse. These performers work very hard to entertain our community, yet you repeatedly interrupt their acts with insults and wisecracks. Just this past Saturday, you spent the entire night mocking Timmy DuPonce’s tuba solo and Laurie Endicott’s tap-dancing routine. Gentlemen, these were children from Sabal Point Elementary School! And, just for the record, nobody was remotely amused by your comments that “Timmy should’ve played ’solo’ that we couldn’t hear him” and that you’d “seen better tap-dancing by bartenders.”

Not surprisingly, when I attempted to address these concerns with you on March 15, you called me a “frog” and laughed hysterically. Just so you know, the members of this community find your particular brand of humor to be rude, disrespectful, and far from funny.

You have three days to leave the premises.

Sincerely,

Irving J. Tomlinson
Representative, Executive Board

P.S. Don’t even think about pulling that stunt with the colostomy bag and bridge table again.

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ROB BLOOM is the Arts & Culture Editor at TNB. He's also a comedy writer, screenwriter, copywriter, somewhat decent juggler, pro wrestling historian, former Disney character, and, perhaps most impressively, a connoisseur of all things deli. He has written for the Cartoon Network, McSweeney's, Opium, CRACKED, Fresh Yarn, Monkey Bicycle, Funny Times, NPR, and the Travel Channel. Last year, Rob’s original screenplay was produced by the Upright Citizens Brigade and shown with the trailers in movie theaters across the country. Rob is also the writer of a regular humor column, which has been praised by the Erma Bombeck Writing Institute as well as his parents who proudly display it on their refrigerator with magnets shaped like fruit.

Rob grew up in the sunny Orlando ‘burbs but now lives in Philadelphia with his wife, newborn son, and Shih Tzu badass. You can contact Rob at [email protected]

3 responses to “Statler and Waldorf Get Evicted From Their Retirement Home”

  1. Greg Olear says:

    This was awful! This was lousy! This was terrible! This was…short! We loved it!

    [my favorite S&W remark]

    Great piece, Rob. Missed it the first go round.

    • Rob Bloom says:

      Hey Greg,

      Thanks for the comment. I’m a big Statler and Waldorf and feel like they never reached their true potential at Muppet stars. Ditto for Sweetums. Pepe the Shrimp, on the other hand, I can do without.

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