If I were a Bond Girl

I’d be Thunderball beautiful
Have a body like a smart bomb
Be Jill St. John, Britt Eckland and Barbara Bach
All rolled into one

If I were a Bond Girl
I’d be a geologist, a professor of Danish at Oxford
A fully trained astronaut working for the CIA
Run my own flying circus
Be a Japanese shell diver, an expert pickpocket

Or simply go by the code name: XXX

If I were a Bond Girl
I’d be Ursula Andres emerging from the sea in a bikini


Have a heavily guarded island filled with women
Be able to make love in scuba gear, while orbiting the Earth
Or in some remote location covered in diamonds

Last week I went to visit a psychic

Asked if I’d ever been a Bond Girl in a past life
Or had the chance of being one in the future

The psychic said: “Gimme my fifty bucks before I answer your question”

After I handed over the cash
All she said was:

“Fat Chance”

But if I wereBond Girl
I’d know judo, karate
Be able to crush victims to death with my thighs
Wield a crossbow, be a KGB assassin


Or decide to not live and die by the gun

But to exact my revenge in bed instead

If I were a Bond Girl
I’d have the innate ability
To easily exchange the fatal nerve gas Delta 9
For a harmless sleep agent

Or go from battling villains aboard a space station
To decommissioning a nuclear weapons facility in Kazakhstan

Without breaking a sweat

And while there was a time in my life
When I thought that because Bond Girls
Were drop-dead gorgeous

Especially when dressed in hardly anything at all

That that qualified them as one-dimensional bimbos

Now I’ve come to realize
That while that may have been true in some early Bond films
It was only because those girls

Those amazing Bond Girls

Were being held hostage by script writers so limited in scope

If I were a Bond Girl
I’d be a helicopter pilot, a Russian computer programmer
I’d explore Egyptian ruins, jet set to Venice, Italy
Rio and the Bahamas

If I were a Bond Girl
I’d be headstrong and resourceful
Athletic and intelligent

I’d be a complex villain or adventurous spirit
With a name like Dr. Molly Warmflash, Pussy Galore
Kissy Suzuki, or Honey Rider

And though there may be times
When I’d be easily seduced by a
Bottle of chilled Bollinger


And a rose

I’d still kick ass before the end credits rolled

If I were a Bond Girl
The best thing of all would be
That when things got rough

I mean really rough

I’d somehow manage to steal a quick time out
For a few relaxing minutes in a hot tub


It’s gonna happen
I don’t care what anyone says
I’m gonna be Grace Jones, Halle Berry and Money Penny
All rolled into one

What was I thinking anyway?

Bond Girls don’t go to psychics

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RICH FERGUSON has performed nationally, and has shared the stage with Patti Smith, Wanda Coleman, Exene Cervenka, T.C. Boyle, Jerry Stahl, Bob Holman, Loudon Wainwright, Ozomatli, and many other esteemed poets and musicians. He has performed on The Tonight Show, at the Redcat Theater in Disney Hall, the New York City International Fringe Festival, the Bowery Poetry Club, South by Southwest, the Santa Cruz Poetry Festival, Stephen Elliott’s Rumpus, and with UK-based poetry collective One Taste. He is also a featured performer in the film, What About Me? (the sequel to the double Grammy-nominated film 1 Giant Leap), featuring Michael Stipe, Michael Franti, k.d. lang, Krishna Das, and others. He has been published in the LA TIMES, Opium Magazine, has been widely anthologized, spotlighted on PBS (Egg: The Art Show), and was a winner in Opium Magazine’s Literary Death Match, LA. His spoken word/music videos have been featured at poetry film festivals throughout the world. Ferguson is a Pushcart-nominated poet, and a poetry editor at The Nervous Breakdown. His poetry collection 8th & Agony has been published by L.A.’s Punk Hostage Press.

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